x
No Plagiarism!xCxv9ULuU1Li9vEOz7Ymposted on PENANA
【上集提要】8964 copyright protection516PENANASjXuBG092d 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAJLmYAjMJkY 維尼
接下來作品就會輪著上場。520Please respect copyright.PENANAdwAjTpdZtR
三位評審要說說評語520Please respect copyright.PENANAc5zTvL6Lnq
給⭕️ 還是❌的520Please respect copyright.PENANAImzN4cZS4B
每個評審也只有七次給出⭕️的機會8964 copyright protection516PENANAIKsUig1xkl 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAel7gBCR2Gg 維尼
斜陽落月之間,和他的作品——8964 copyright protection516PENANAA5Lw5JNXov 維尼
逆時8964 copyright protection516PENANAsP3Ot0aJ2n 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAcCzzch8xeu 維尼
其實我覺得是相當有趣的作品,但當中砂石頗多,修改一下會更加好。8964 copyright protection516PENANAqMP62hNjLv 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAR5DBH9s8CK 維尼
作者的構思很有趣,也很成功,不過具爭議性的話題點過即止沒加深化有點可惜,這個其實是有方法解決的。8964 copyright protection516PENANAcY3T5ACuAE 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAiVXz1NDWQy 維尼
兩❌一⭕️的結果520Please respect copyright.PENANAyQ9id0pdeA
是進不了候選區呢8964 copyright protection516PENANAt28V3tOuxf 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAhW5757065H 維尼
啊,等等……8964 copyright protection516PENANAEXyQ9e762J 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAqH78ZUbQ6A 維尼
甚麼!8964 copyright protection516PENANALT4kCVVb5N 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANANfR8cBiLmz 維尼
QAQ8964 copyright protection516PENANAaUgaipQTZY 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAXQQm9RFkbe 維尼
難道!8964 copyright protection516PENANA6ybsynxMrJ 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAnRcXzOH3uA 維尼
出現了!!!8964 copyright protection516PENANArSrTTQnm3g 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANATXkbGfTA1A 維尼
就是說我還可以叫他入戰隊的嗎?8964 copyright protection516PENANAlDztp8M8up 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAkZLEgFayFb 維尼
真.大絕!!!8964 copyright protection516PENANAngzseRIvQ0 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANArifRzOLCqm 維尼
Nani8964 copyright protection516PENANAsP72nDXCmV 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAfaKZk7cJLF 維尼
你想要使出那……8964 copyright protection516PENANAwR99We0KmR 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAztkKzGNzfr 維尼
對!8964 copyright protection516PENANAalCYIZFtj1 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANAx1I4pCpL0w 維尼
那傳說中的拳法……8964 copyright protection516PENANAAsEND84RpM 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANA0pF6GAuTMv 維尼
就是傳說中的8964 copyright protection516PENANAEwJlAfnLAk 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAJFVNNXG1AH 維尼
僅有一次的!8964 copyright protection516PENANAzkQPqke1aA 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAV68xQjvxI6 維尼
8964 copyright protection516PENANA1TPlRBd5JY 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAye5C0wQItw 維尼
❗️❗️520Please respect copyright.PENANABvKb2uWp8R
你確定嗎?8964 copyright protection516PENANAlInpfgdURN 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAmutddN00F9 維尼
!!!8964 copyright protection516PENANA5N8sH0euV2 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANA5plTC2m5mG 維尼
確定8964 copyright protection516PENANA9WDmb3DUHZ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANA5fnwEseqS2 維尼
好的!8964 copyright protection516PENANAKXtzsaGaEX 維尼
斜陽落月之間 得到了「誠意✊✊」的機會!520Please respect copyright.PENANA1eXhjtGYOd
直接進入東南戰隊的邀請列當中!8964 copyright protection516PENANAsxFBWeExp0 維尼
那另外兩位會有想給意見的嗎?520Please respect copyright.PENANAWC8DIN8Lo1
我不是說給東南本人哦520Please respect copyright.PENANASbN0RM0Y4h
是給參賽者的8964 copyright protection516PENANA5WbqnNbcEv 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAcdBc3h7fsF 維尼
(被拳風帶到,昏迷中)8964 copyright protection516PENANA6Mp8M4f8oz 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANAVvL5e6PrVJ 維尼
哈哈,對他有多長我沒有意見520Please respect copyright.PENANAftHXypCyBt
對於參賽者之後說的話,我有點不認同他說以「故事本來就帶乏味的方式」,因為我認為故事本身乏味與否除了故事本身,說書人也是當中的重要元素之一。520Please respect copyright.PENANAGgtvOEu6JN
以題材及推理凶殺方面而言,這絕對算不上是一個「乏味」的題材。520Please respect copyright.PENANAl1A12a1wAa
獲得古拳法的幫助,我會期待他的進步及成長8964 copyright protection516PENANA7zcIdwlIWa 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANArJD4xB9HHd 維尼
明白520Please respect copyright.PENANAhocwvaHdfZ
那紀言大大呢?有醒來了嗎?8964 copyright protection516PENANAHwM9sxelmR 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAzfhyYUVrHu 維尼
如果他⋯⋯能改善我上面⋯⋯所說的地方,應該會⋯⋯更上一層樓的(再昏迷8964 copyright protection516PENANAnJq4FJyHsa 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAunec2wqVus 維尼
好的,再次恭喜!8964 copyright protection516PENANAqFnYUZICfS 維尼
那我們去看看下一位參賽者囉!520Please respect copyright.PENANAcJ6A2x7ZIW
那是涼靜融,還有作品——8964 copyright protection516PENANAUtTLqkjPwJ 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANA2rt5gNpKr2
8964 copyright protection516PENANATPolViiyRW 維尼
天使的惡作劇8964 copyright protection516PENANAQ91j5dDXF3 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAk1n6hgXKYO
8964 copyright protection516PENANAH6PDV4IM6q 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAvmprdBqhG5 維尼
他的回應都很短呢!感覺很有個性的!8964 copyright protection516PENANAOiZGNBlCHs 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAIrgrlsdfig 維尼
這篇嘛⋯⋯(學楓成ing8964 copyright protection516PENANAr5pzQ0xh7B 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANA9knuElfUAl 維尼
又來了8964 copyright protection516PENANAAcjtUhnOZ5 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAeIXtCQAF9g 維尼
這篇故事十分完整,在有限的篇幅裏敍述一個完整的故事並不容易,這點作者做到了。520Please respect copyright.PENANAvM9680Skge
不過,稍微有點可惜的是前段的鋪排可以更改善一點,留下多一點線索,到真相揭盅時會更能顯示作者的用心。520Please respect copyright.PENANAb2yXMXcpTL
文風也挺對我胃口8964 copyright protection516PENANACtSsv8UAQW 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANA264yByf9CY 維尼
相對來說完整度算高的作品。520Please respect copyright.PENANAboJMfwjjEh
對於小學生「小學雞」式的互相猜忌,其實都寫得幾真實,但同時問題都出在這裏。520Please respect copyright.PENANAQyOi3hWmCH
因為幾個小主角的行為都太過兩小無猜,以至在羅生門式述說的過程中,未能把讀者誤導或者對他們任何一個生疑,以至很早很早階段我已覺得死者是真的意外死。520Please respect copyright.PENANAoYpMONt4R8
但其實羅生門本身就是個高手向寫法,作者願意嘗試其實非常勇敢,下次嘗試同類型寫法時,嘗試把羅生門方面的設計再刁鑽少少,儘量讓所有人都會列入疑犯之中,這樣就會好很多。8964 copyright protection516PENANAHMIuQqYu36 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANA8okzesS7H2 維尼
我認為呢520Please respect copyright.PENANA00849JQORE
故事的劇情佈局不錯,以一群孩子報案、並加以插敘方式洋洋灑灑寫出一部屬推理小說。520Please respect copyright.PENANA6E7Xvzkc4l
只是正因為佈局以推理為主,如此短的篇幅在佈局、埋坑及各種描寫欠缺。8964 copyright protection516PENANANU5hsTYpSQ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAWAWVwUE40I 維尼
好的,事不宜遲!520Please respect copyright.PENANAn3BA1bBgRL
就來給個⭕️❌吧520Please respect copyright.PENANAfIT5wMHbof
準備好8964 copyright protection516PENANAFYP7jDxm2E 維尼
3520Please respect copyright.PENANAhfieKx4rSh
2520Please respect copyright.PENANAoRh4dJXKaA
18964 copyright protection516PENANAXyJdtCJHpf 維尼
8964 copyright protection516PENANAxXPNjAxHxo 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAH2HcrWwVnO 維尼
哦!是兩圈呢!8964 copyright protection516PENANAgnp0bjNvv9 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAAgzW8LiUm7 維尼
別怪我520Please respect copyright.PENANAF5e92bK0vX
節目組的錯,我本身想給圈的520Please respect copyright.PENANAq1yVTFOTF2
(逃避mode8964 copyright protection516PENANAJH1NfZ4R14 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANA5RcwXyMnv0 維尼
……節目組表示:我不背!8964 copyright protection516PENANAMzQgTFCZT2 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANApyQgJQTV0i 維尼
恭喜恭喜8964 copyright protection516PENANAJR6bS0b9xJ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAzCU1I4B6sG 維尼
(幸好進了候選....呼一口長氣8964 copyright protection516PENANABp5ASr0KSB 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAel7h7RArnj 維尼
恭喜8964 copyright protection516PENANAYTwyxQVhQy 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAPdTsy3RVTN 維尼
恭喜涼靜融進候選區了!8964 copyright protection516PENANAc3cbR5c6Yi 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANALlWOpSC12W 維尼
其實故事本身是不錯的520Please respect copyright.PENANA9YciVaiMck
這故事的格局至少需要再多些字數才能完整,我會期待他之後的表現8964 copyright protection516PENANAD9dDfKsS0R 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANATX3auSMxum 維尼
明白,希望之後還能看到他的作品哦!8964 copyright protection516PENANA3dd6M1enMB 維尼
下一位是:520Please respect copyright.PENANAp9Mcnxw7sB
十分之一,和作品——8964 copyright protection516PENANAkeaUZExuTi 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAaPCnaeR4B1
8964 copyright protection516PENANAaKXSeaBDKX 維尼
十年倒數8964 copyright protection516PENANA6zilFo3hcU 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAEkatUrEiRn
8964 copyright protection516PENANA4gR7ZdU65v 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAlTgy3NkzEz 維尼
看來又是一個受到楓成荼毒的小朋友8964 copyright protection516PENANA69f76Qpae7 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANAtMsSciAfYo 維尼
竟然520Please respect copyright.PENANAQ5yK0ugyRH
那我就先說吧520Please respect copyright.PENANATk5URAxzWu
故事平鋪直敘,但在情感方面勾勒得不錯。雖犧牲了橋段及劇情,但情感處理得不錯,能令讀者心生感同身受。8964 copyright protection516PENANAc9t9oG2kwk 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAk1BDmQBoNV 維尼
連最愛「溫馨」作品的楓成也稱讚情感方面勾勒得不錯?520Please respect copyright.PENANAxJrgS3QcXL
可厲害了!8964 copyright protection516PENANAXPC6UWpBnE 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANASOJ8xVemdD 維尼
呃……520Please respect copyright.PENANA3N4ZmMEavM
是的(尷尬笑8964 copyright protection516PENANAu17UtetLqi 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAx89Kh4kVEj 維尼
故事重點是患病男主最後的十年,最後也是感歎十年太短了。520Please respect copyright.PENANA3eYPUXmxpP
其實這個故事可以很虐,因為從一開始看到男主並不太在意自己生命的短暫,到與女主越來越近才開始感歎時間太少。520Please respect copyright.PENANAmHnM88eRgf
但無奈女主出場真的不多,而男主心路歷程的描寫也不算多,所以就有種「不完整」的感覺。8964 copyright protection516PENANAGFdwwnbmli 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAqieKYcQN7Q 維尼
我認同是情感豐沛的作品,稍嫌主角心中的掙扎不夠強烈。8964 copyright protection516PENANAoSyJLjUaVM 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAPzN08yqQQ8 維尼
在這種「劇情平淡」的故事裏,「情感渲染」就是最重要最重要的一環。520Please respect copyright.PENANANuSlKKesfg
舉例鬼滅之刃其實劇情並非精彩,打鬥也非好看,但其情感渲染做到十足,讓讀者隨著角色的情感起伏,也能夠十分成功。520Please respect copyright.PENANAKzljWkGebN
所以,建議下次訂立大綱後,要找出自己故事想表達的重點。520Please respect copyright.PENANAfYYbMa1rPd
然後故事的鋪排,角色的互動,就要圍繞重點展開哦。8964 copyright protection516PENANAsHEbf4ShCw 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAmDELnODO4w 維尼
謝謝三位的點評!8964 copyright protection516PENANAj0JqqNaPRr 維尼
那我們一起來看看三位是給⭕️或❌!520Please respect copyright.PENANAuobA6ZVN69
來8964 copyright protection516PENANAR1xMsECNDU 維尼
3520Please respect copyright.PENANAMNPlGgjCOx
2520Please respect copyright.PENANAuVWHMJeAVK
18964 copyright protection516PENANAUe8gOOQRVv 維尼
8964 copyright protection516PENANA3qDl0w7y9W 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAQiutqleHRT 維尼
……520Please respect copyright.PENANAHudqvFXG1R
是三叉呢520Please respect copyright.PENANAPb6cJTtIFl
可惜了。520Please respect copyright.PENANAhHb9GxsSpD
希望 十分之一能從三位的意見中得到些甚麼8964 copyright protection516PENANAIJCz2SXZFL 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANA57cu20GYek 維尼
下一位是刹零和作品——8964 copyright protection516PENANAzbZQfWofgK 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAbbLsawDNbS
8964 copyright protection516PENANA1iNf0lEPq4 維尼
【十年】·房8964 copyright protection516PENANAOlO5hYRuYp 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAyiXrsCXy09
8964 copyright protection516PENANAyze80J02px 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANAUjgiUKlK6J 維尼
故事整體想法構思不錯,但對於情景、角色等等描寫過多顯得冗長。另外對於故事那種悲哀、壓抑描寫尚能改善,可考慮參考類似作品【樓下的房客】。8964 copyright protection516PENANAsYkktdFSpI 維尼
不過以這種字數而言,算是不錯。520Please respect copyright.PENANAN88ratN7xL
另外可以注意正字及標點符號的問題,會有所改善。520Please respect copyright.PENANAbKhdMWmBRU
(請看紀師父的小提示8964 copyright protection516PENANAR7BYdDvuk6 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAbzLjkbrQCW 維尼
我的意見跟成師父差不多520Please respect copyright.PENANAzfiCywnftV
雖然被逼遷的無奈是寫到出來。但無奈情節真的太過兀長。8964 copyright protection516PENANAifUYoLwvRX 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAq8pmFtkA9f 維尼
感謝賣廣告(待會轉賬)520Please respect copyright.PENANARdrP7x51Gp
以初中生來說,這篇確實寫得不俗,小小年紀能對社會有一定理解也值得嘉許。520Please respect copyright.PENANAT5X31yqVlw
不過,意象的跳躍稍嫌過快過大,使讀者的注意力容易渙散。520Please respect copyright.PENANAGFI9DwggQc
如果想吸引香港讀者,文風就要作調整,繁簡體字也要多注意。8964 copyright protection516PENANAHp58o7NzX7 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAlzc7oqCotL 維尼
來,一起來看看老黃賣瓜的三位是要給⭕️或❌囉!8964 copyright protection516PENANAvgwKNXcbX0 維尼
3520Please respect copyright.PENANA6UsK5vTXrj
2520Please respect copyright.PENANAXJfk9rmByS
18964 copyright protection516PENANAMK4u8ogg4e 維尼
8964 copyright protection516PENANAlwD1E094sM 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANALjz03FLvin 維尼
三叉魔咒又回來了!8964 copyright protection516PENANA9pdAqLLqeH 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANA9GJu8sB41y 維尼
可惜了520Please respect copyright.PENANASoVYXxKYxY
初中生來說真的很不錯8964 copyright protection516PENANA7kcfXR2baF 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANApffrgfeDTY 維尼
對,而且很年輕520Please respect copyright.PENANAl4WReJMoKx
不要灰心!加油!8964 copyright protection516PENANAcCC3FdfwE8 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANAO5Tb5SriXz 維尼
加油加油8964 copyright protection516PENANAuByZer22BL 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANA0LhlQ83WKH 維尼
不好意思了,剎零要先到復活賽那邊休息一下了8964 copyright protection516PENANAuwe84MlDWT 維尼
下一位是泱和作品——8964 copyright protection516PENANAXryIXsSoKw 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAhpLHYLcapR
8964 copyright protection516PENANAmYTG6mMXzi 維尼
十年之情8964 copyright protection516PENANAqXEKO3VXxg 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAWo1iHIHVXh
8964 copyright protection516PENANACWhAljJbBT 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAMLeBnGmlRG 維尼
又是一份字數比較少的作品呢~8964 copyright protection516PENANAZtRDxdaeeU 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANA3lkkclvbh9 維尼
這個是不錯的校園作品呢,不論是情感描寫、感情培養情節等等都是相對到位。8964 copyright protection516PENANALMm4PM28fc 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAXYaXkRdnND 維尼
我覺得文筆算是通暢,不差的。520Please respect copyright.PENANA5NCW35srIv
可劇情構思上面需要多一點。520Please respect copyright.PENANArd8k2sKurJ
要突顯紫薇最後自殺的衝擊與哀傷,以下的鋪墊必不可少,還請留意。520Please respect copyright.PENANAH0IdpD9HZV
一,是鋪紫薇的壓力與自殺的先兆(先兆是有但已經太晚了)520Please respect copyright.PENANAJF1plghdyE
二,是鋪主角與紫薇的特殊羈絆520Please respect copyright.PENANAZzih7UjEJU
三,就是主角知道紫薇後反應的描繪8964 copyright protection516PENANA7eTZkDs9Bl 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAS1d7rQh7ph 維尼
自殺的話題本就沉重,作者的處理頗能讓人釋懷。520Please respect copyright.PENANAa7k8QV0MvF
可惜兩個主角的性格都刻畫得不夠深入,行文也略見沙石。8964 copyright protection516PENANA0nlYRcb8Zz 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAVKD9ZjXtcF 維尼
看來,情況不太樂觀哦……520Please respect copyright.PENANARnerzRRAhF
三位準備好了嗎?一起來給泱 給⭕️❌哦!8964 copyright protection516PENANACHtteVGPso 維尼
3520Please respect copyright.PENANA6NyoBUZQXn
2520Please respect copyright.PENANAeLLsElKG3m
18964 copyright protection516PENANA2RlWiD618J 維尼
8964 copyright protection516PENANAUYHP4Uvexa 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANA8nJEGHs4BG 維尼
嗯……又是三叉呢520Please respect copyright.PENANANaGRs22uzj
泱,不好意思呢,看來未能進入候選區8964 copyright protection516PENANAJ4RZKOBDUt 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANACLNEzQJe0V 維尼
比較可惜520Please respect copyright.PENANAJl9ZssV2Y9
沉重的作品對於角色刻畫的要求也要相對提高,希望作者下次注意一點了。8964 copyright protection516PENANArNHwm0eAkZ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAnaMDD4HR0l 維尼
謝謝東南大大的建議8964 copyright protection516PENANAQ4aa9XOxmA 維尼
接下的作品是8964 copyright protection516PENANAKvMDk6zGzm 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAOCVDeayYbt
8964 copyright protection516PENANAlcDWM2XOdd 維尼
輪候者8964 copyright protection516PENANA5UYgEDfh82 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANADJRqLLAnrL
8964 copyright protection516PENANAHcAkZhzqOD 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAa80EcB7qXN 維尼
嗯...520Please respect copyright.PENANANziMv1MCws
我記得這位作者是有兩篇作品的?520Please respect copyright.PENANAaxpxyhU4DQ
要不要一次過說?8964 copyright protection516PENANA89V84ZOrEJ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANApnPqBM2va1 維尼
被破梗了……520Please respect copyright.PENANAzS5jIaf8QA
對520Please respect copyright.PENANAfF1SGxPiU7
另一篇作品是8964 copyright protection516PENANA1eURljtSV5 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAZC5kg4b9ZT
8964 copyright protection516PENANA6c515qDXyd 維尼
時間小偷8964 copyright protection516PENANAEaXawlu57I 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAVBlfzFIOAU
8964 copyright protection516PENANAISxEMlV4S0 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAYP3pBLkfnM 維尼
完全沒留意到的meeeee8964 copyright protection516PENANAAYJcVVVv5i 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANADREGxoOXSQ 維尼
心水清的me520Please respect copyright.PENANAxr7BJtngAd
但我還是先說吧520Please respect copyright.PENANAkw9nClh8Mf
這位作者我覺得實力算是本次比賽裏排得上中上的。520Please respect copyright.PENANAnRprVQrC15
兩部都是比較成熟的作品,以這篇輪候者而言,利用一隻天才豬的十年寫出某些人的黑暗,寫出動物的天真和不可改變的命運,其實都值得一讚。8964 copyright protection516PENANALeq7ovhlqu 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAcoQkRmeBw3 維尼
同意,將豬擬人化的想法挺有趣,也能與作者想表達的道理相合,故事亦很完整。如果糧食短缺問題能再作鋪墊和深化,相信效果會更好。8964 copyright protection516PENANAHmeHqZ8E9v 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANAoLPy3TAlp7 維尼
以豬為第一身的視角,相當有趣的故事。520Please respect copyright.PENANAnhEWL9v8fQ
不論是人性的勾勒到後來追求自由的反抗,哪怕失敗也是笑著死去。520Please respect copyright.PENANAr89h27Dbsw
整體實屬成熟作品,很是不錯。8964 copyright protection516PENANAeBJYB7I9pA 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAgan8TOLoLI 維尼
那時間小偷呢?8964 copyright protection516PENANAaLCZju45qs 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAlql5qJkUnN 維尼
還是我先說吧520Please respect copyright.PENANAYnnNuikj4H
其實我頗欣賞男女主角用不同的方式描述這個方法(男主角用第一身,女主角用日記)520Please respect copyright.PENANALwDq7iPJ8M
只是用日記寫其實頗高手向,而事實上女主角日記的部分未做到非常引人入勝,叫有點小缺陷。520Please respect copyright.PENANAOcGkntGalN
但都欣賞作者願意這樣嘗試。8964 copyright protection516PENANAvXPdFmwHSm 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAW4J31eDTKW 維尼
還是我第二個說吧XP520Please respect copyright.PENANAbHrvJIKq2b
時間小偷的設定開首是讓人有點期待的,不過並沒善加利用,有點可惜。520Please respect copyright.PENANAeVq02d0c9y
整篇小說圍繞鬱鬱不得志的小説家,內容有點過於灰暗,希望作者能找到寫作真正的樂趣,其實不過是寫作本身罷了,不需要靠外在的東西去支撐。8964 copyright protection516PENANARppO2iUAgL 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANAKJI8EkBdit 維尼
故事設定有趣。520Please respect copyright.PENANA8QSoVSA5ff
但比起這設定,表達出來的故事相對有待改善。以日記方式有優點有缺點,優點為時間性清晰並能夠交代大量事情,但同時因為比賽篇幅所限衍生的問題──反而陷入一個半湯不水的情況。520Please respect copyright.PENANAtBLgv6ayok
若是用一個設定、同一個故事,採取另一種視角來看,或許會更加有趣呢。8964 copyright protection516PENANAYyi3WlkXTb 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAfuBEm8nUjn 維尼
明白,謝謝三位!8964 copyright protection516PENANAFzZFdCq3Sb 維尼
因為比賽是以參賽者為評比單位,不是作品。520Please respect copyright.PENANAQFD5hQd6lN
所以請三位綜合兩篇的表現,給Blackative給出⭕️或❌!8964 copyright protection516PENANACWR3yVt6mQ 維尼
大家需要點時間想想嗎?8964 copyright protection516PENANAsy1UwqMnyS 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAo6uDvNZLWT 維尼
我好了8964 copyright protection516PENANAa1hOoEwSro 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAeiNmANNzAB 維尼
不必了8964 copyright protection516PENANAjRz5AprsgN 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANASVJP9JohQj 維尼
那8964 copyright protection516PENANAIHCURGXH0x 維尼
3520Please respect copyright.PENANAMyZt6QrccO
2520Please respect copyright.PENANAa1KEhpzYCx
18964 copyright protection516PENANAG7iNq5b42x 維尼
8964 copyright protection516PENANAirudHXCcX7 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANA0wR6ITPEGd 維尼
抱歉我只剩下四個。8964 copyright protection516PENANAVfG0joJFyy 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAZTtDuJCLsw 維尼
兩圈的成績!520Please respect copyright.PENANA9txxZGM60G
恭喜Blackative8964 copyright protection516PENANAR9YbDH3TQU 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANA4LnMsi4m9k 維尼
Yeah520Please respect copyright.PENANAGpfHPEZRjm
呼一口氣8964 copyright protection516PENANAFemXGzKon1 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAtyeq73fGxP 維尼
接來下的,是廣告前的倒數第二位!520Please respect copyright.PENANAGpgwTNOYhv
旧落后和作品——8964 copyright protection516PENANAMkxLksrRWg 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAK7xQJVeEnC
8964 copyright protection516PENANAZ1ZgBtyTx6 維尼
平行8964 copyright protection516PENANAdTcdo658RO 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAQZ85TfqtQ7
8964 copyright protection516PENANAjHXfbT2cjE 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAJ0D5oRsySV 維尼
Hmmm520Please respect copyright.PENANA24Q0oWxSde
我建議角色如果只有兩個的話就盡可能突出唯二角色的性格。比如一些小動作,比如一些小心思。520Please respect copyright.PENANAlZvCMhuX4y
因為整個故事都是男主一個惡夢,但就以目前的篇幅兩個角色性格並不突出。8964 copyright protection516PENANAG3TbGnxuFC 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANARirVorsucx 維尼
感情動人,但是以夢來反映要珍惜現在的套路確實有點舊了,另外簡體字方面也要多多注意。8964 copyright protection516PENANAu5vmcs894p 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANAiCxhlv8L1V 維尼
嗯……我認為該篇參賽作品於劇情、鋪墊有待改善。520Please respect copyright.PENANAK4DBi2z4hJ
作者欠缺一般說故事的技巧,建議先寫出大綱整理好故事,然後再行嘗試把故事用一個讀者更能夠理解的方式說出來。520Please respect copyright.PENANAaOwnlQ2OVE
加油加油。8964 copyright protection516PENANA3POiuFuvBO 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAhlDpWUK0uA 維尼
大綱、簡體字都是出現了好幾次的字眼呢。8964 copyright protection516PENANAOQ2ZnjOciI 維尼
好了,三位準備好給⭕️❌了吧?8964 copyright protection516PENANAA3AZ2xDlhx 維尼
3520Please respect copyright.PENANAlmrrdVGVQa
2520Please respect copyright.PENANAPefXiNJC3X
18964 copyright protection516PENANApe15JaVHff 維尼
8964 copyright protection516PENANAGT8T0PU97n 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAFDzSAQ1vzO 維尼
三叉呢520Please respect copyright.PENANArkwNZmzkQt
可惜了520Please respect copyright.PENANA4d2Xc61N14
希望下次看見旧落后更優秀的作品8964 copyright protection516PENANA5ASnNZMBw5 維尼
來到廣告休息前的最後一個喇!520Please respect copyright.PENANAQ16Jsc180V
那是矇豬眼和作品——8964 copyright protection516PENANAEDf4b5I8tr 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANASv6FzgGj1b
8964 copyright protection516PENANAmArUv5xQen 維尼
此去拾年8964 copyright protection516PENANA07s05keIlQ 維尼
520Please respect copyright.PENANAnjBeFp74vy
8964 copyright protection516PENANAyt0GVpU1GO 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAYVvmI3tdBW 維尼
這篇的文字優美,到最後揭盅主角非主角也甚有驚喜,以拍攝主題去回應大會主題也蠻聰明的,是這次比賽中屬中上的作品。8964 copyright protection516PENANAZWZl5Uhltm 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANABBL2IASYFw 維尼
文筆秀麗,文中動靜切換場景做得不錯,但說故事能力相對進步空間。520Please respect copyright.PENANASNrCehfzRn
到底文中宇羲與司憶的互動是真是假,到好宇羲與司憶昏迷有無關係,到底宇羲為何如文中般頹廢。建議應該解釋一下。520Please respect copyright.PENANAUen67GKaRI
又或者如果想更意識流的話,就可能要寫得更「迷幻」一些。8964 copyright protection516PENANA3nczZGhyr5 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANAoPmcF3LLde 維尼
個人認為作品不錯,但在後半段略有劇情不足。520Please respect copyright.PENANAUPlEPsQzgx
在排序那邊數字更是直接欠缺,為此我有在網站PM該位參賽者想問他是否貼漏掉章節,但未能獲得回復,只好作罷。8964 copyright protection516PENANAW6EiJX9ckb 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAJyrFjx8Ntu 維尼
聽起來有點可惜呢520Please respect copyright.PENANA5ydDzk3DYn
來!三位!520Please respect copyright.PENANAmb0GKyKUSB
準備好了吧!8964 copyright protection516PENANAd16RNTyiwL 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANAUIiLqgfRuZ 維尼
來吧8964 copyright protection516PENANAVmnVmkEuCD 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAsKNynFKp5b 維尼
come8964 copyright protection516PENANAwyiVkSTPuX 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAJCP7dumH8l 維尼
一起來8964 copyright protection516PENANAqx4OmzIxbw 維尼
3520Please respect copyright.PENANAkDAMGKi840
2520Please respect copyright.PENANAHRM6BPnPzX
18964 copyright protection516PENANAGf26n0HDhj 維尼
8964 copyright protection516PENANAxsPrHlMUd9 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAx8O73CdsVF 維尼
雖然得到紀言的大圈……520Please respect copyright.PENANAJrTfcOvSU3
可是,看來是逃不過進復活賽的命呢8964 copyright protection516PENANAZcZQZslKCS 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANApRyMHqSSoP 維尼
會有古拳法嗎?520Please respect copyright.PENANAtD1F01Y7NM
會有嗎?520Please respect copyright.PENANAdEw2FTShSi
@_@8964 copyright protection516PENANAeZFBBi4X4S 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANA6pPqJQPQP9 維尼
會有嗎?8964 copyright protection516PENANA3azz1QF5DR 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANA0NHdQhJDhg 維尼
看來沒有呢8964 copyright protection516PENANAhrn2WGRjyK 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAV5RF1mjLBX 維尼
嗯⋯⋯雖然有點可惜520Please respect copyright.PENANAU3BZf0Kqcc
但還是先不用吧><8964 copyright protection516PENANA0rOzeVVY5i 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANAZKXb6Rmd9H 維尼
噢!520Please respect copyright.PENANAOjBKUoXFJc
是真的逃不過進復活賽的命呢520Please respect copyright.PENANAfiKiWUPxxV
可惜了。8964 copyright protection516PENANATfTCzmRAmJ 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAojmrrGxpAo 維尼
加油520Please respect copyright.PENANAoBSZkGLNRH
文筆是很對我胃口的520Please respect copyright.PENANAgnBRnTsCIn
繼續努力8964 copyright protection516PENANAUqGwktDaj3 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANA3w9UGvVXso 維尼
矇豬眼 看見了嗎?要加油哦520Please respect copyright.PENANADa9HjyGAQQ
那接下來先進一則廣告!520Please respect copyright.PENANAPAXMmTOUxe
廣告回來再看看其他作品哦。8964 copyright protection516PENANA4y5zuj1N06 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAkQpB9KGR8H 維尼
位元堂!520Please respect copyright.PENANAJWmqJrLhZ4
養陰丸!520Please respect copyright.PENANAcshNxijAoI
好似太陽咁溫暖!520Please respect copyright.PENANAjGWaYICXhT
【聲音被節目組淡出中……】8964 copyright protection516PENANATHljQv7upj 維尼
【下集預告】8964 copyright protection516PENANAFo2YFqr57b 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection516PENANAGv065SbitV 維尼
我一直幫本篇作品改了個花名做下一站天后8964 copyright protection516PENANA79UZUoqQFB 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection516PENANASAsTUFEeJr 維尼
可怕的三叉已經出現了三次8964 copyright protection516PENANApkEudWgifE 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection516PENANAZEirjRpdEy 維尼
再恐怖一點,恐怕東南就不敢看了嘿嘿。8964 copyright protection516PENANAgQSpBOSWrB 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection516PENANAeMjqNyuYoA 維尼
先別到下一篇!8964 copyright protection516PENANAloYKXKBADT 維尼
8月27日晚上6點,繼續準時觀看8964 copyright protection516PENANATL9J322ntg 維尼
【第二階段:戰隊/復活賽】「太歲兵團 X 萌動學生小說集2021」寫作營8964 copyright protection516PENANADKOyw9R9vM 維尼
216.73.216.6
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