x
No Plagiarism!u0nvb6FxmjYoeqP9hpqDposted on PENANA
【上集提要】8964 copyright protection505PENANASmRZAqvvWt 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAc4sGlThpqv 維尼
接下來作品就會輪著上場。509Please respect copyright.PENANA2KHL9B6qwl
三位評審要說說評語509Please respect copyright.PENANAQOSmIgEqTK
給⭕️ 還是❌的509Please respect copyright.PENANAZPolOsRsWe
每個評審也只有七次給出⭕️的機會8964 copyright protection505PENANAcyFaoUk9Tp 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAfSTz8iStUg 維尼
斜陽落月之間,和他的作品——8964 copyright protection505PENANABQOiZcjoUh 維尼
逆時8964 copyright protection505PENANAPH8D8acpge 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANA8Zepti6y7l 維尼
其實我覺得是相當有趣的作品,但當中砂石頗多,修改一下會更加好。8964 copyright protection505PENANAklCLvC9Yjn 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAhvy38rF4Jt 維尼
作者的構思很有趣,也很成功,不過具爭議性的話題點過即止沒加深化有點可惜,這個其實是有方法解決的。8964 copyright protection505PENANAqato4U90m8 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAAXQq5eFilu 維尼
兩❌一⭕️的結果509Please respect copyright.PENANApBMpiEnSpK
是進不了候選區呢8964 copyright protection505PENANAA2deIhKtAd 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAOv3Mrnfxs0 維尼
啊,等等……8964 copyright protection505PENANAWnvv66Bptg 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANARdZVqqzXHu 維尼
甚麼!8964 copyright protection505PENANA78ThTtqYSl 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAyfV1HrOpFa 維尼
QAQ8964 copyright protection505PENANA51I7H7LgS8 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAei3LYf5TuP 維尼
難道!8964 copyright protection505PENANAau8Ew4dGr8 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAf7zYyOaFaJ 維尼
出現了!!!8964 copyright protection505PENANAi4q5TOea78 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAwUCA80p6TQ 維尼
就是說我還可以叫他入戰隊的嗎?8964 copyright protection505PENANAX2jISevH0x 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAWXcAJI2B5M 維尼
真.大絕!!!8964 copyright protection505PENANA3LoAIHAxU8 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAsd499Jus5I 維尼
Nani8964 copyright protection505PENANAD5Pg5gZEhA 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAdrguhswvHA 維尼
你想要使出那……8964 copyright protection505PENANAKGvKiMbMyn 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAC4A6LS6Lmn 維尼
對!8964 copyright protection505PENANAbfgzWKb8CY 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAqXMsARBjcm 維尼
那傳說中的拳法……8964 copyright protection505PENANARvjgwgaN0M 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAezwlB2H5NZ 維尼
就是傳說中的8964 copyright protection505PENANA927iQscnvg 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAm0lk8VGodW 維尼
僅有一次的!8964 copyright protection505PENANA0nkTbAGugl 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAQFnWFDxVsH 維尼
8964 copyright protection505PENANAI1wGFiFNpo 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAzXePBZD7ya 維尼
❗️❗️509Please respect copyright.PENANAx2zcJvULcf
你確定嗎?8964 copyright protection505PENANA9MUldMkKlY 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAtCMjOWLW9h 維尼
!!!8964 copyright protection505PENANAsSleeWUoOL 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANA1ZIMzp1FPP 維尼
確定8964 copyright protection505PENANA1baPKIJU9r 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANATZAgQDyUhj 維尼
好的!8964 copyright protection505PENANAgFGzd9386R 維尼
斜陽落月之間 得到了「誠意✊✊」的機會!509Please respect copyright.PENANAgXaSG4akkc
直接進入東南戰隊的邀請列當中!8964 copyright protection505PENANAOfDCwp1YNg 維尼
那另外兩位會有想給意見的嗎?509Please respect copyright.PENANAOcCzc1BssF
我不是說給東南本人哦509Please respect copyright.PENANAQ8kevY6mER
是給參賽者的8964 copyright protection505PENANANr8eg9TpsI 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAIeo2S1s0u5 維尼
(被拳風帶到,昏迷中)8964 copyright protection505PENANAAduOMiwoN2 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAwW01olkdSZ 維尼
哈哈,對他有多長我沒有意見509Please respect copyright.PENANAQgvi7wS8Bj
對於參賽者之後說的話,我有點不認同他說以「故事本來就帶乏味的方式」,因為我認為故事本身乏味與否除了故事本身,說書人也是當中的重要元素之一。509Please respect copyright.PENANAL4yKimZet8
以題材及推理凶殺方面而言,這絕對算不上是一個「乏味」的題材。509Please respect copyright.PENANA015PZ4UgJw
獲得古拳法的幫助,我會期待他的進步及成長8964 copyright protection505PENANAaHHZQ0UFP6 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAyUgGid87RE 維尼
明白509Please respect copyright.PENANAyLxJ9KbUMy
那紀言大大呢?有醒來了嗎?8964 copyright protection505PENANAKSsv6fh2k3 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAQLtMRSVZDK 維尼
如果他⋯⋯能改善我上面⋯⋯所說的地方,應該會⋯⋯更上一層樓的(再昏迷8964 copyright protection505PENANAlqGyjDhUX4 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAWjW1DGznkw 維尼
好的,再次恭喜!8964 copyright protection505PENANASienNtfvgC 維尼
那我們去看看下一位參賽者囉!509Please respect copyright.PENANAsoIvXz5hVS
那是涼靜融,還有作品——8964 copyright protection505PENANAwmCxOc184G 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANA6JvVnrb9Vy
8964 copyright protection505PENANAYFf0rAR08g 維尼
天使的惡作劇8964 copyright protection505PENANAO7ybBMb3Ny 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANAEyBtpqn1jk
8964 copyright protection505PENANAa9Qdca3UiR 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAUuVSfwA7Ep 維尼
他的回應都很短呢!感覺很有個性的!8964 copyright protection505PENANAaGUF1qUzNU 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAaq8yz3hKeb 維尼
這篇嘛⋯⋯(學楓成ing8964 copyright protection505PENANAhRDiI13VGQ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANA7RLwqzcHAP 維尼
又來了8964 copyright protection505PENANAp4BP9UCSwX 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAwHef2xTBU9 維尼
這篇故事十分完整,在有限的篇幅裏敍述一個完整的故事並不容易,這點作者做到了。509Please respect copyright.PENANAB1IilhAoaF
不過,稍微有點可惜的是前段的鋪排可以更改善一點,留下多一點線索,到真相揭盅時會更能顯示作者的用心。509Please respect copyright.PENANAAH1F55Vu3R
文風也挺對我胃口8964 copyright protection505PENANARx0LBxS4D2 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAcWhoTcryCg 維尼
相對來說完整度算高的作品。509Please respect copyright.PENANAgeqKw8BJlf
對於小學生「小學雞」式的互相猜忌,其實都寫得幾真實,但同時問題都出在這裏。509Please respect copyright.PENANAdL3zMesnrm
因為幾個小主角的行為都太過兩小無猜,以至在羅生門式述說的過程中,未能把讀者誤導或者對他們任何一個生疑,以至很早很早階段我已覺得死者是真的意外死。509Please respect copyright.PENANAUo7gJeS8X4
但其實羅生門本身就是個高手向寫法,作者願意嘗試其實非常勇敢,下次嘗試同類型寫法時,嘗試把羅生門方面的設計再刁鑽少少,儘量讓所有人都會列入疑犯之中,這樣就會好很多。8964 copyright protection505PENANAAnHzqZBCPP 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAwjPmDeMqGj 維尼
我認為呢509Please respect copyright.PENANAvBcsbgw9BL
故事的劇情佈局不錯,以一群孩子報案、並加以插敘方式洋洋灑灑寫出一部屬推理小說。509Please respect copyright.PENANAX4kFC38gRc
只是正因為佈局以推理為主,如此短的篇幅在佈局、埋坑及各種描寫欠缺。8964 copyright protection505PENANAJaMRPBri9T 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANANfjHBFWkL9 維尼
好的,事不宜遲!509Please respect copyright.PENANAevXoH8D6MZ
就來給個⭕️❌吧509Please respect copyright.PENANAmkBvyS1Oge
準備好8964 copyright protection505PENANAI2uOBaBTBY 維尼
3509Please respect copyright.PENANABNJkY3RhHh
2509Please respect copyright.PENANArc8AmQInjY
18964 copyright protection505PENANAyQea40vIUz 維尼
8964 copyright protection505PENANAZnT2V7edqF 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAD4a66M6yyQ 維尼
哦!是兩圈呢!8964 copyright protection505PENANAX8OKP7cczj 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANATVw5GpLgQ2 維尼
別怪我509Please respect copyright.PENANA9dMqZt35E3
節目組的錯,我本身想給圈的509Please respect copyright.PENANAAZlOSnzGMZ
(逃避mode8964 copyright protection505PENANAbfKqTyWxvS 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANA5nAftZD87T 維尼
……節目組表示:我不背!8964 copyright protection505PENANAc2B08fKFGT 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAIkudwuRwZy 維尼
恭喜恭喜8964 copyright protection505PENANANgChomBVvv 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAgKg0s2YGBI 維尼
(幸好進了候選....呼一口長氣8964 copyright protection505PENANAwO8gOy8cZH 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAFxwqWuuAF4 維尼
恭喜8964 copyright protection505PENANAwbRbcPGcX1 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAebq4LV5Cni 維尼
恭喜涼靜融進候選區了!8964 copyright protection505PENANApUg7jfm5HV 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAKcY5ZSCVmG 維尼
其實故事本身是不錯的509Please respect copyright.PENANAspvovKOqAf
這故事的格局至少需要再多些字數才能完整,我會期待他之後的表現8964 copyright protection505PENANAak8XY23P3m 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAQzKLm9zcWy 維尼
明白,希望之後還能看到他的作品哦!8964 copyright protection505PENANAtE8vmgksbe 維尼
下一位是:509Please respect copyright.PENANAtre8fSGbRu
十分之一,和作品——8964 copyright protection505PENANAGoPneFVrUV 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANAwRNvXda3MN
8964 copyright protection505PENANAdBvTzuk0mW 維尼
十年倒數8964 copyright protection505PENANABPg9YRt5dk 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANAer2LuviTR8
8964 copyright protection505PENANAnQl625MSJR 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANABe92VsIDw1 維尼
看來又是一個受到楓成荼毒的小朋友8964 copyright protection505PENANAm5R2v14z3K 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAIPu80VNRDE 維尼
竟然509Please respect copyright.PENANAE8SCZosx51
那我就先說吧509Please respect copyright.PENANAAiSLmzowQG
故事平鋪直敘,但在情感方面勾勒得不錯。雖犧牲了橋段及劇情,但情感處理得不錯,能令讀者心生感同身受。8964 copyright protection505PENANAP0cjCqpTSz 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANA5hubx2ro9r 維尼
連最愛「溫馨」作品的楓成也稱讚情感方面勾勒得不錯?509Please respect copyright.PENANAFK7H1sDCYI
可厲害了!8964 copyright protection505PENANAI9JIcECAxg 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAQPz74saOd9 維尼
呃……509Please respect copyright.PENANA0VQjzkfxui
是的(尷尬笑8964 copyright protection505PENANAahsDnu6hCt 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAegkQhYpfBx 維尼
故事重點是患病男主最後的十年,最後也是感歎十年太短了。509Please respect copyright.PENANAkvln7liHfx
其實這個故事可以很虐,因為從一開始看到男主並不太在意自己生命的短暫,到與女主越來越近才開始感歎時間太少。509Please respect copyright.PENANAV7GFON75o1
但無奈女主出場真的不多,而男主心路歷程的描寫也不算多,所以就有種「不完整」的感覺。8964 copyright protection505PENANAdwD7arghZ4 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANA9uCUklueZ0 維尼
我認同是情感豐沛的作品,稍嫌主角心中的掙扎不夠強烈。8964 copyright protection505PENANAwuZnAgkO0v 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANArMcUpcDXmt 維尼
在這種「劇情平淡」的故事裏,「情感渲染」就是最重要最重要的一環。509Please respect copyright.PENANAHGWRAh08uw
舉例鬼滅之刃其實劇情並非精彩,打鬥也非好看,但其情感渲染做到十足,讓讀者隨著角色的情感起伏,也能夠十分成功。509Please respect copyright.PENANA6eLQkEpdm5
所以,建議下次訂立大綱後,要找出自己故事想表達的重點。509Please respect copyright.PENANAH7le6egwpT
然後故事的鋪排,角色的互動,就要圍繞重點展開哦。8964 copyright protection505PENANAIAQ0PO6yIo 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAYFhc4g0Vvb 維尼
謝謝三位的點評!8964 copyright protection505PENANADZH4C8Ve2N 維尼
那我們一起來看看三位是給⭕️或❌!509Please respect copyright.PENANAWtLz4xaWKa
來8964 copyright protection505PENANAIfKvV0VIl8 維尼
3509Please respect copyright.PENANAWA9dKV7kQL
2509Please respect copyright.PENANApA02OYXiWx
18964 copyright protection505PENANAU7FUtCc5Zw 維尼
8964 copyright protection505PENANABsgsHLdLfe 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANA1xVUlciuVT 維尼
……509Please respect copyright.PENANAIti976JHxZ
是三叉呢509Please respect copyright.PENANA6OtpMthNDO
可惜了。509Please respect copyright.PENANArYfCcW42d4
希望 十分之一能從三位的意見中得到些甚麼8964 copyright protection505PENANAXNhuUyPZ6W 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAUMomk4Nxu0 維尼
下一位是刹零和作品——8964 copyright protection505PENANA0EuKAJuRrI 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANA9RShqontxq
8964 copyright protection505PENANAjml60SMEiU 維尼
【十年】·房8964 copyright protection505PENANAh9XG0WyZlp 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANAIrqGfv2V93
8964 copyright protection505PENANANHIEKCvuOX 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAiBCUtoHszc 維尼
故事整體想法構思不錯,但對於情景、角色等等描寫過多顯得冗長。另外對於故事那種悲哀、壓抑描寫尚能改善,可考慮參考類似作品【樓下的房客】。8964 copyright protection505PENANA8ONxUxx3Mw 維尼
不過以這種字數而言,算是不錯。509Please respect copyright.PENANAHcbwd9jTMq
另外可以注意正字及標點符號的問題,會有所改善。509Please respect copyright.PENANAxo7Vuyz2Xi
(請看紀師父的小提示8964 copyright protection505PENANAApA6QGbMwT 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAQzpZdOYrw4 維尼
我的意見跟成師父差不多509Please respect copyright.PENANAJu0gV3o1Jt
雖然被逼遷的無奈是寫到出來。但無奈情節真的太過兀長。8964 copyright protection505PENANA4GXkgXRmvV 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAyrPZku67IV 維尼
感謝賣廣告(待會轉賬)509Please respect copyright.PENANAJncKjJEZg0
以初中生來說,這篇確實寫得不俗,小小年紀能對社會有一定理解也值得嘉許。509Please respect copyright.PENANAXhRmDPDjjJ
不過,意象的跳躍稍嫌過快過大,使讀者的注意力容易渙散。509Please respect copyright.PENANANyWgK0ByKr
如果想吸引香港讀者,文風就要作調整,繁簡體字也要多注意。8964 copyright protection505PENANArRNc1lmk4a 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAkENsKmW5ZQ 維尼
來,一起來看看老黃賣瓜的三位是要給⭕️或❌囉!8964 copyright protection505PENANA5Drz5URNkG 維尼
3509Please respect copyright.PENANAL3xitQjQye
2509Please respect copyright.PENANADJ4TTy4X7y
18964 copyright protection505PENANAnlebirDpZp 維尼
8964 copyright protection505PENANAWi01IGajM0 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAMWs7TfqY0K 維尼
三叉魔咒又回來了!8964 copyright protection505PENANAjHcJZLSINX 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANA22r7pj9MbN 維尼
可惜了509Please respect copyright.PENANABGomdmveGI
初中生來說真的很不錯8964 copyright protection505PENANApsFxsJlSlk 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAqL4XyRKu5I 維尼
對,而且很年輕509Please respect copyright.PENANAINWozdVscG
不要灰心!加油!8964 copyright protection505PENANATy9n5GssH1 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANA869Y1mlPoD 維尼
加油加油8964 copyright protection505PENANA6XkNbxsRhR 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANA2RDsETf8hJ 維尼
不好意思了,剎零要先到復活賽那邊休息一下了8964 copyright protection505PENANAcRcuzJ6mnx 維尼
下一位是泱和作品——8964 copyright protection505PENANAhA2nLq0Xfa 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANAHnGF2elOOj
8964 copyright protection505PENANA1owwZeBEwM 維尼
十年之情8964 copyright protection505PENANAvR2igGsZVa 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANAVFSZY5bIte
8964 copyright protection505PENANAyuWRP3Y5b2 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANA5z74ReJMjy 維尼
又是一份字數比較少的作品呢~8964 copyright protection505PENANAGyJtNQJ6nJ 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAkju63Zu7Mf 維尼
這個是不錯的校園作品呢,不論是情感描寫、感情培養情節等等都是相對到位。8964 copyright protection505PENANAepvQbTaKrL 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAyIvLJoboHY 維尼
我覺得文筆算是通暢,不差的。509Please respect copyright.PENANA2Ml2x6xZk9
可劇情構思上面需要多一點。509Please respect copyright.PENANAseEq8bKG5X
要突顯紫薇最後自殺的衝擊與哀傷,以下的鋪墊必不可少,還請留意。509Please respect copyright.PENANA61bHLpT235
一,是鋪紫薇的壓力與自殺的先兆(先兆是有但已經太晚了)509Please respect copyright.PENANAQQTYmYOIzr
二,是鋪主角與紫薇的特殊羈絆509Please respect copyright.PENANA6Q2U8XnTyV
三,就是主角知道紫薇後反應的描繪8964 copyright protection505PENANALewRMW4CDy 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAMsB2bw6lOL 維尼
自殺的話題本就沉重,作者的處理頗能讓人釋懷。509Please respect copyright.PENANArPm4HIH1sW
可惜兩個主角的性格都刻畫得不夠深入,行文也略見沙石。8964 copyright protection505PENANAHtICyDXFi5 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAXNYJKRlxmv 維尼
看來,情況不太樂觀哦……509Please respect copyright.PENANAUKNirApKv5
三位準備好了嗎?一起來給泱 給⭕️❌哦!8964 copyright protection505PENANAuA5lnIuB01 維尼
3509Please respect copyright.PENANAela8TglgJb
2509Please respect copyright.PENANAAhoANiG3ri
18964 copyright protection505PENANAPRKYwdVVSA 維尼
8964 copyright protection505PENANAVtoKQkmF48 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAPYZMy1kxrx 維尼
嗯……又是三叉呢509Please respect copyright.PENANA8fT5A94RY4
泱,不好意思呢,看來未能進入候選區8964 copyright protection505PENANAPny6mr0Tfq 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANA38h3HLjxtQ 維尼
比較可惜509Please respect copyright.PENANAflgd1f9bh2
沉重的作品對於角色刻畫的要求也要相對提高,希望作者下次注意一點了。8964 copyright protection505PENANAuWTixed8wR 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAB7HlWWT4s1 維尼
謝謝東南大大的建議8964 copyright protection505PENANAiggiBeAOe2 維尼
接下的作品是8964 copyright protection505PENANA9ySuQLVWYV 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANAtKy6VbDb23
8964 copyright protection505PENANA2Zcz82kDX3 維尼
輪候者8964 copyright protection505PENANAGamcOTHazC 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANASYNSvvNoa7
8964 copyright protection505PENANAW7Hw5I4gpL 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAoTqGhTIYDl 維尼
嗯...509Please respect copyright.PENANAdskNAV8CjF
我記得這位作者是有兩篇作品的?509Please respect copyright.PENANAWFkUyOrnaF
要不要一次過說?8964 copyright protection505PENANAFq192R28Ky 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANA7i3tPJe4Kg 維尼
被破梗了……509Please respect copyright.PENANAEcye5Br8CW
對509Please respect copyright.PENANAgnQ1CnVx5f
另一篇作品是8964 copyright protection505PENANAlyD8rfGGuV 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANAgIQZlx1Gpw
8964 copyright protection505PENANASHSBf5XXW6 維尼
時間小偷8964 copyright protection505PENANA9kZfIbqIZ6 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANAGmUw7HUVZc
8964 copyright protection505PENANAijUqsxfYLx 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAIlL1coSqdH 維尼
完全沒留意到的meeeee8964 copyright protection505PENANARABvrAPNML 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAu2BDBBUB41 維尼
心水清的me509Please respect copyright.PENANAVHzJLaEQOc
但我還是先說吧509Please respect copyright.PENANAXQ69LPcHuR
這位作者我覺得實力算是本次比賽裏排得上中上的。509Please respect copyright.PENANAzA4a6FNEd6
兩部都是比較成熟的作品,以這篇輪候者而言,利用一隻天才豬的十年寫出某些人的黑暗,寫出動物的天真和不可改變的命運,其實都值得一讚。8964 copyright protection505PENANAOmy3YK0hRQ 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAp1ZwAtmqp0 維尼
同意,將豬擬人化的想法挺有趣,也能與作者想表達的道理相合,故事亦很完整。如果糧食短缺問題能再作鋪墊和深化,相信效果會更好。8964 copyright protection505PENANAEsF2opwGF0 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAkAawPT3jv5 維尼
以豬為第一身的視角,相當有趣的故事。509Please respect copyright.PENANAqij5YFzpJr
不論是人性的勾勒到後來追求自由的反抗,哪怕失敗也是笑著死去。509Please respect copyright.PENANAJPCBbMm0jK
整體實屬成熟作品,很是不錯。8964 copyright protection505PENANAn9cuXv48Hj 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAw7mOMn86Vx 維尼
那時間小偷呢?8964 copyright protection505PENANAoZ15TeCyrH 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAQYVillHLIa 維尼
還是我先說吧509Please respect copyright.PENANA5PQAF9OLQE
其實我頗欣賞男女主角用不同的方式描述這個方法(男主角用第一身,女主角用日記)509Please respect copyright.PENANASrZA6SziuK
只是用日記寫其實頗高手向,而事實上女主角日記的部分未做到非常引人入勝,叫有點小缺陷。509Please respect copyright.PENANAUx7q13Zc4Z
但都欣賞作者願意這樣嘗試。8964 copyright protection505PENANAfGnfZRAvY8 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANA1AzXfVm7ex 維尼
還是我第二個說吧XP509Please respect copyright.PENANAyrEOfH0rQ0
時間小偷的設定開首是讓人有點期待的,不過並沒善加利用,有點可惜。509Please respect copyright.PENANAH1TxcNtFTV
整篇小說圍繞鬱鬱不得志的小説家,內容有點過於灰暗,希望作者能找到寫作真正的樂趣,其實不過是寫作本身罷了,不需要靠外在的東西去支撐。8964 copyright protection505PENANANeAlo7Ntcy 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAzLwfKLTqi2 維尼
故事設定有趣。509Please respect copyright.PENANAGcuIpzwCPg
但比起這設定,表達出來的故事相對有待改善。以日記方式有優點有缺點,優點為時間性清晰並能夠交代大量事情,但同時因為比賽篇幅所限衍生的問題──反而陷入一個半湯不水的情況。509Please respect copyright.PENANAXiDQ0cTVkP
若是用一個設定、同一個故事,採取另一種視角來看,或許會更加有趣呢。8964 copyright protection505PENANArsVtSLdx8h 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAYBj6O3TyKz 維尼
明白,謝謝三位!8964 copyright protection505PENANAMBgydwEB1K 維尼
因為比賽是以參賽者為評比單位,不是作品。509Please respect copyright.PENANAUViXfn3azm
所以請三位綜合兩篇的表現,給Blackative給出⭕️或❌!8964 copyright protection505PENANAEhFXhznK28 維尼
大家需要點時間想想嗎?8964 copyright protection505PENANAze4eK0fcm3 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANA6urSLjwYho 維尼
我好了8964 copyright protection505PENANAPRs3bndyHC 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAmxSVQPxmKQ 維尼
不必了8964 copyright protection505PENANAyyElUTuTq7 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANA1Hb4fP78mj 維尼
那8964 copyright protection505PENANAqzS0aS0kOX 維尼
3509Please respect copyright.PENANAUL7RZuVQtN
2509Please respect copyright.PENANA8HJpi4s1bh
18964 copyright protection505PENANATpWaovJqq5 維尼
8964 copyright protection505PENANAP1QfCvISgu 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAnFMJOV8qWF 維尼
抱歉我只剩下四個。8964 copyright protection505PENANAdKMCNsHOou 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANA0kaPUehkGa 維尼
兩圈的成績!509Please respect copyright.PENANAMx6PQQWq4g
恭喜Blackative8964 copyright protection505PENANAArR02mFTi1 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANA6IuuljESZV 維尼
Yeah509Please respect copyright.PENANAgdmss4P46c
呼一口氣8964 copyright protection505PENANAtFmmQGIrOE 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANANvb3NHlOOs 維尼
接來下的,是廣告前的倒數第二位!509Please respect copyright.PENANAbI4P6PlQEt
旧落后和作品——8964 copyright protection505PENANAlPUNFbHrie 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANAfNIkxBL0y5
8964 copyright protection505PENANA6S9kwhIcpG 維尼
平行8964 copyright protection505PENANAyfujsYIfMJ 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANAWThjMjWa3G
8964 copyright protection505PENANAuX90PpSqpV 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAycucFx9yes 維尼
Hmmm509Please respect copyright.PENANAGxyOXqL90P
我建議角色如果只有兩個的話就盡可能突出唯二角色的性格。比如一些小動作,比如一些小心思。509Please respect copyright.PENANAQijgKFzRWp
因為整個故事都是男主一個惡夢,但就以目前的篇幅兩個角色性格並不突出。8964 copyright protection505PENANAdXKFdDAaFZ 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAuU1HBnvhLE 維尼
感情動人,但是以夢來反映要珍惜現在的套路確實有點舊了,另外簡體字方面也要多多注意。8964 copyright protection505PENANAAjhwZ3eN2x 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAmY3wC4clpf 維尼
嗯……我認為該篇參賽作品於劇情、鋪墊有待改善。509Please respect copyright.PENANAzYVOdMEKG8
作者欠缺一般說故事的技巧,建議先寫出大綱整理好故事,然後再行嘗試把故事用一個讀者更能夠理解的方式說出來。509Please respect copyright.PENANAYyvZUAuo8l
加油加油。8964 copyright protection505PENANAffO602SBZR 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAMbw88ZuRgE 維尼
大綱、簡體字都是出現了好幾次的字眼呢。8964 copyright protection505PENANAeYrrkOg67Q 維尼
好了,三位準備好給⭕️❌了吧?8964 copyright protection505PENANAgWmqvTmB8j 維尼
3509Please respect copyright.PENANAMZuvRz4BlP
2509Please respect copyright.PENANAbWlJme3742
18964 copyright protection505PENANAKAGFSSanTO 維尼
8964 copyright protection505PENANAMyYcAxMa8V 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAqYFvk38QX1 維尼
三叉呢509Please respect copyright.PENANAhGUg96KXMm
可惜了509Please respect copyright.PENANAnbSbKeBG3w
希望下次看見旧落后更優秀的作品8964 copyright protection505PENANAe9shQR1xDY 維尼
來到廣告休息前的最後一個喇!509Please respect copyright.PENANABfQ4tfmZMa
那是矇豬眼和作品——8964 copyright protection505PENANA7biichI3yv 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANAyJktkNtyQ6
8964 copyright protection505PENANAd6w1BZPoGK 維尼
此去拾年8964 copyright protection505PENANArIcXIfRyJ7 維尼
509Please respect copyright.PENANAd8I0VuRDda
8964 copyright protection505PENANAHgnVrBOMwO 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAcPk08SEKml 維尼
這篇的文字優美,到最後揭盅主角非主角也甚有驚喜,以拍攝主題去回應大會主題也蠻聰明的,是這次比賽中屬中上的作品。8964 copyright protection505PENANAiFpcKIhEfZ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAvjRKQWRmWA 維尼
文筆秀麗,文中動靜切換場景做得不錯,但說故事能力相對進步空間。509Please respect copyright.PENANALru4UmJNhn
到底文中宇羲與司憶的互動是真是假,到好宇羲與司憶昏迷有無關係,到底宇羲為何如文中般頹廢。建議應該解釋一下。509Please respect copyright.PENANAfLb9lqKGTS
又或者如果想更意識流的話,就可能要寫得更「迷幻」一些。8964 copyright protection505PENANAvJevx7gj1o 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANATltMtMvxM5 維尼
個人認為作品不錯,但在後半段略有劇情不足。509Please respect copyright.PENANAIUJut9xd1R
在排序那邊數字更是直接欠缺,為此我有在網站PM該位參賽者想問他是否貼漏掉章節,但未能獲得回復,只好作罷。8964 copyright protection505PENANAtUX3Y3uV24 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAfrXJvOA5Gd 維尼
聽起來有點可惜呢509Please respect copyright.PENANAF1wEVMaDBv
來!三位!509Please respect copyright.PENANAr5o8I5Q0yK
準備好了吧!8964 copyright protection505PENANA4APSbMWOgH 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANALm1SLoYHsY 維尼
來吧8964 copyright protection505PENANARSsigrepMe 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAVfiJ61Etjn 維尼
come8964 copyright protection505PENANAqMBVq8gF50 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAeZsUdIUl4i 維尼
一起來8964 copyright protection505PENANABvKoEgj0fD 維尼
3509Please respect copyright.PENANAFcCCSSzgDM
2509Please respect copyright.PENANAL52jCxeLBD
18964 copyright protection505PENANADMOTzR6pjq 維尼
8964 copyright protection505PENANAGECvTYpsLV 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAFf4CtlIekA 維尼
雖然得到紀言的大圈……509Please respect copyright.PENANARNG1nSJNAl
可是,看來是逃不過進復活賽的命呢8964 copyright protection505PENANAqDpY9a4xjT 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAAtKqDwyQRY 維尼
會有古拳法嗎?509Please respect copyright.PENANA3gZ5GUrxj5
會有嗎?509Please respect copyright.PENANAYxgJp8nELD
@_@8964 copyright protection505PENANADZ6e6Ydedq 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAQ58sSJtT2x 維尼
會有嗎?8964 copyright protection505PENANAcDpa4yhDRV 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAc5VnzKjl4i 維尼
看來沒有呢8964 copyright protection505PENANARyP9V0kmxS 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANApx7Up8wTvv 維尼
嗯⋯⋯雖然有點可惜509Please respect copyright.PENANAYtRUmUxZ4n
但還是先不用吧><8964 copyright protection505PENANAz9xS9Dx2Sq 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAojiuVfZfTu 維尼
噢!509Please respect copyright.PENANAL3mNfXVKPH
是真的逃不過進復活賽的命呢509Please respect copyright.PENANA2UXMDhT5yj
可惜了。8964 copyright protection505PENANAzyRpB3nTYt 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANAmVTHCN8SE7 維尼
加油509Please respect copyright.PENANAakfxVqBcFu
文筆是很對我胃口的509Please respect copyright.PENANAOP2A9zuWd9
繼續努力8964 copyright protection505PENANAzD3PAGeN34 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAti8XTYC0sP 維尼
矇豬眼 看見了嗎?要加油哦509Please respect copyright.PENANAnkiLR3pGBd
那接下來先進一則廣告!509Please respect copyright.PENANAHZNtGaOFIS
廣告回來再看看其他作品哦。8964 copyright protection505PENANA0AFVb4a92H 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANAByq0HQdQWl 維尼
位元堂!509Please respect copyright.PENANACoOguRcasD
養陰丸!509Please respect copyright.PENANASQRFpP5KMq
好似太陽咁溫暖!509Please respect copyright.PENANAjJDF83tpoc
【聲音被節目組淡出中……】8964 copyright protection505PENANAzR4p3NPB41 維尼
【下集預告】8964 copyright protection505PENANAO5DDklM9dU 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection505PENANA5yY6gIeYtJ 維尼
我一直幫本篇作品改了個花名做下一站天后8964 copyright protection505PENANApzGZhr06RF 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection505PENANAZdTEnuUgQ2 維尼
可怕的三叉已經出現了三次8964 copyright protection505PENANAAlXkaS0LQT 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection505PENANAzc5zzr9jYz 維尼
再恐怖一點,恐怕東南就不敢看了嘿嘿。8964 copyright protection505PENANAIJNbD9qqKj 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection505PENANA2nkGfaEJXT 維尼
先別到下一篇!8964 copyright protection505PENANAEpZ5dmYnCJ 維尼
8月27日晚上6點,繼續準時觀看8964 copyright protection505PENANAcrxlGQDbNR 維尼
【第二階段:戰隊/復活賽】「太歲兵團 X 萌動學生小說集2021」寫作營8964 copyright protection505PENANAtXFlHxJUOv 維尼
216.73.216.144
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