x
No Plagiarism!zL73VgWOwdG8qZlKSKfJposted on PENANA
【上集提要】8964 copyright protection499PENANATLC9Y7zwRe 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAFmwS8TW45N 維尼
接下來作品就會輪著上場。503Please respect copyright.PENANAW6me15uYu1
三位評審要說說評語503Please respect copyright.PENANAdSLi5RbQnH
給⭕️ 還是❌的503Please respect copyright.PENANAivFbJiXkqx
每個評審也只有七次給出⭕️的機會8964 copyright protection499PENANAfvKBZjg0P8 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANANTyv8lNc7M 維尼
斜陽落月之間,和他的作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANAK2r6fyDVDY 維尼
逆時8964 copyright protection499PENANAY1tWriXGhp 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAvUtMVD7GBv 維尼
其實我覺得是相當有趣的作品,但當中砂石頗多,修改一下會更加好。8964 copyright protection499PENANA0r7tTgZZow 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANA0TZ3asx1Bd 維尼
作者的構思很有趣,也很成功,不過具爭議性的話題點過即止沒加深化有點可惜,這個其實是有方法解決的。8964 copyright protection499PENANAwaBu7s5HuP 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANA7fglq6MSIF 維尼
兩❌一⭕️的結果503Please respect copyright.PENANAudT11eG1TR
是進不了候選區呢8964 copyright protection499PENANAwF6uf75SC6 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAyAndBSYbS0 維尼
啊,等等……8964 copyright protection499PENANAufENRvRwjQ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAM2NCPkpX7h 維尼
甚麼!8964 copyright protection499PENANAZnN6c3xv3j 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAZhmqDfLW6e 維尼
QAQ8964 copyright protection499PENANAIqZ7KIPdSU 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAfaVOvn9d5p 維尼
難道!8964 copyright protection499PENANAx5ojcsudPn 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAlHiJrSytII 維尼
出現了!!!8964 copyright protection499PENANAl8RTGjojlh 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAeE22A9a10T 維尼
就是說我還可以叫他入戰隊的嗎?8964 copyright protection499PENANAXRSwBZO3uV 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANABOnjNbEPwS 維尼
真.大絕!!!8964 copyright protection499PENANAC6D3lh2V2J 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAtT9oDyuxBN 維尼
Nani8964 copyright protection499PENANAgTAPE3FBRb 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANADn7GVqIZ9r 維尼
你想要使出那……8964 copyright protection499PENANAktyCECkCO4 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANA632Z7TjMQ8 維尼
對!8964 copyright protection499PENANAB3ke7xjxSl 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANA5wp6ZwRklk 維尼
那傳說中的拳法……8964 copyright protection499PENANAF65k4hE2Ro 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAaaqranQoUF 維尼
就是傳說中的8964 copyright protection499PENANAxOSKoXh7pl 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAx9TcVMwv8l 維尼
僅有一次的!8964 copyright protection499PENANAejo5atgZPa 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAPU6j9BJcIS 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANARTu2zzI7wS 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAGN3fB7AVjP 維尼
❗️❗️503Please respect copyright.PENANArqSkaFJYYG
你確定嗎?8964 copyright protection499PENANAo1bmH3Gpmn 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANA1PDDftBSxF 維尼
!!!8964 copyright protection499PENANAFaUE3wjdeM 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAwFmlRifCw3 維尼
確定8964 copyright protection499PENANARRn8AzQ05j 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANANUwx7KgATS 維尼
好的!8964 copyright protection499PENANAJTJYZTolKS 維尼
斜陽落月之間 得到了「誠意✊✊」的機會!503Please respect copyright.PENANAIHmzp6Szz5
直接進入東南戰隊的邀請列當中!8964 copyright protection499PENANA5gipfRsdL7 維尼
那另外兩位會有想給意見的嗎?503Please respect copyright.PENANAT7CY7MX6Qp
我不是說給東南本人哦503Please respect copyright.PENANAHqc5XDOWQt
是給參賽者的8964 copyright protection499PENANAA6VwbuOK18 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAffr2gWEKJe 維尼
(被拳風帶到,昏迷中)8964 copyright protection499PENANAYCD43l3F94 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAvFlziyyV2k 維尼
哈哈,對他有多長我沒有意見503Please respect copyright.PENANAjm8aMy0MfQ
對於參賽者之後說的話,我有點不認同他說以「故事本來就帶乏味的方式」,因為我認為故事本身乏味與否除了故事本身,說書人也是當中的重要元素之一。503Please respect copyright.PENANAQw1jIx5nVv
以題材及推理凶殺方面而言,這絕對算不上是一個「乏味」的題材。503Please respect copyright.PENANAHod4bJzIZi
獲得古拳法的幫助,我會期待他的進步及成長8964 copyright protection499PENANAzbDEyg8TTp 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAo0lCqNYPUL 維尼
明白503Please respect copyright.PENANAtKk4bt08tB
那紀言大大呢?有醒來了嗎?8964 copyright protection499PENANAIxWgK5E2z3 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAVs7USixN7E 維尼
如果他⋯⋯能改善我上面⋯⋯所說的地方,應該會⋯⋯更上一層樓的(再昏迷8964 copyright protection499PENANAj1jFjd43Sw 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAqqNk5mPf1w 維尼
好的,再次恭喜!8964 copyright protection499PENANAc9IMI5vgOF 維尼
那我們去看看下一位參賽者囉!503Please respect copyright.PENANAe0Ert3ZIeW
那是涼靜融,還有作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANA6cUIPxDDpy 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAtMZZmxjHze
8964 copyright protection499PENANAaKTS3SLAyF 維尼
天使的惡作劇8964 copyright protection499PENANACS0ZxnJv6a 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAmMxtUeqy2L
8964 copyright protection499PENANAmynjVnJOJw 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAob0d8lvuPR 維尼
他的回應都很短呢!感覺很有個性的!8964 copyright protection499PENANAPpVH098mMx 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANA0bYblIPR6z 維尼
這篇嘛⋯⋯(學楓成ing8964 copyright protection499PENANAMJws8N6HNB 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAbbJzrQIQGP 維尼
又來了8964 copyright protection499PENANAlPne21zYbl 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAeUzx66z1Wa 維尼
這篇故事十分完整,在有限的篇幅裏敍述一個完整的故事並不容易,這點作者做到了。503Please respect copyright.PENANAeDbSnJaOb9
不過,稍微有點可惜的是前段的鋪排可以更改善一點,留下多一點線索,到真相揭盅時會更能顯示作者的用心。503Please respect copyright.PENANAQpomX7s8wY
文風也挺對我胃口8964 copyright protection499PENANA9CufM0ucMR 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAF42nACs44d 維尼
相對來說完整度算高的作品。503Please respect copyright.PENANAZvCFZJpYo8
對於小學生「小學雞」式的互相猜忌,其實都寫得幾真實,但同時問題都出在這裏。503Please respect copyright.PENANAlrAdzpYKV1
因為幾個小主角的行為都太過兩小無猜,以至在羅生門式述說的過程中,未能把讀者誤導或者對他們任何一個生疑,以至很早很早階段我已覺得死者是真的意外死。503Please respect copyright.PENANAv6h80Wv3wv
但其實羅生門本身就是個高手向寫法,作者願意嘗試其實非常勇敢,下次嘗試同類型寫法時,嘗試把羅生門方面的設計再刁鑽少少,儘量讓所有人都會列入疑犯之中,這樣就會好很多。8964 copyright protection499PENANAKO15k0BHeU 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAQ5VoPyto4p 維尼
我認為呢503Please respect copyright.PENANABr36AYMhQ1
故事的劇情佈局不錯,以一群孩子報案、並加以插敘方式洋洋灑灑寫出一部屬推理小說。503Please respect copyright.PENANAPZMvlHVf45
只是正因為佈局以推理為主,如此短的篇幅在佈局、埋坑及各種描寫欠缺。8964 copyright protection499PENANArxO1DMsMt4 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAUD7kObDmDP 維尼
好的,事不宜遲!503Please respect copyright.PENANA80IrZy4j6B
就來給個⭕️❌吧503Please respect copyright.PENANAUO55kJn8Q2
準備好8964 copyright protection499PENANARwBInPhk85 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANA2IUa4t7fsV
2503Please respect copyright.PENANAcfVu6JtTb6
18964 copyright protection499PENANAy3UM5tqjPE 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANAF9j78dgRt7 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAHkvq3gww7v 維尼
哦!是兩圈呢!8964 copyright protection499PENANAaAfOJUry6P 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAnbRrgxy1bs 維尼
別怪我503Please respect copyright.PENANAplsyFqObOU
節目組的錯,我本身想給圈的503Please respect copyright.PENANAlGu5ONxGz8
(逃避mode8964 copyright protection499PENANAfK793QiUq0 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAiN6LmfJzPp 維尼
……節目組表示:我不背!8964 copyright protection499PENANAoWsG1oYo5b 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANA0IkaW3Oddj 維尼
恭喜恭喜8964 copyright protection499PENANAyMkJg21Ofi 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAOoHNcfKS9m 維尼
(幸好進了候選....呼一口長氣8964 copyright protection499PENANA4f8K1iLfdi 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAV2PnuxLAxo 維尼
恭喜8964 copyright protection499PENANAlZePlS8zCp 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANA64QkZllbT3 維尼
恭喜涼靜融進候選區了!8964 copyright protection499PENANAaCpfuxY8J5 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAzzmZd7NWvC 維尼
其實故事本身是不錯的503Please respect copyright.PENANAR5l6VBgSHG
這故事的格局至少需要再多些字數才能完整,我會期待他之後的表現8964 copyright protection499PENANAdasTtYC9JK 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAzcIltn4RBT 維尼
明白,希望之後還能看到他的作品哦!8964 copyright protection499PENANAovBsmo5ZI1 維尼
下一位是:503Please respect copyright.PENANARBbxxREXAA
十分之一,和作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANAtT2JHNfGEe 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAXRTGhkVE0p
8964 copyright protection499PENANA4dWkWIgRhy 維尼
十年倒數8964 copyright protection499PENANAa52dmEKqIS 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANA1ALys36kbN
8964 copyright protection499PENANA5KTPDSeq8n 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAXYJJLBFyqS 維尼
看來又是一個受到楓成荼毒的小朋友8964 copyright protection499PENANA9zRgJWfGrv 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAMZk0lI5Zo0 維尼
竟然503Please respect copyright.PENANAaow6fs1Oze
那我就先說吧503Please respect copyright.PENANAGQvMBH3br1
故事平鋪直敘,但在情感方面勾勒得不錯。雖犧牲了橋段及劇情,但情感處理得不錯,能令讀者心生感同身受。8964 copyright protection499PENANAI2FJ6VEslg 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAxD7SMaFSS8 維尼
連最愛「溫馨」作品的楓成也稱讚情感方面勾勒得不錯?503Please respect copyright.PENANA0M3fDryIvA
可厲害了!8964 copyright protection499PENANA1YSSdV74po 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANALoj1BdqKO4 維尼
呃……503Please respect copyright.PENANAPPsXCXBnrV
是的(尷尬笑8964 copyright protection499PENANA4jN7pOOlj3 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAs3zqvrGgx5 維尼
故事重點是患病男主最後的十年,最後也是感歎十年太短了。503Please respect copyright.PENANABI2z8j084X
其實這個故事可以很虐,因為從一開始看到男主並不太在意自己生命的短暫,到與女主越來越近才開始感歎時間太少。503Please respect copyright.PENANALOHxXUQPYL
但無奈女主出場真的不多,而男主心路歷程的描寫也不算多,所以就有種「不完整」的感覺。8964 copyright protection499PENANA0ERz4g6szB 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANA5msigdThZw 維尼
我認同是情感豐沛的作品,稍嫌主角心中的掙扎不夠強烈。8964 copyright protection499PENANAYEzspJPr5z 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAFEgt43I6xn 維尼
在這種「劇情平淡」的故事裏,「情感渲染」就是最重要最重要的一環。503Please respect copyright.PENANAUNh7MkoaLf
舉例鬼滅之刃其實劇情並非精彩,打鬥也非好看,但其情感渲染做到十足,讓讀者隨著角色的情感起伏,也能夠十分成功。503Please respect copyright.PENANA8gCFSN5vDv
所以,建議下次訂立大綱後,要找出自己故事想表達的重點。503Please respect copyright.PENANAC8N52P1X8i
然後故事的鋪排,角色的互動,就要圍繞重點展開哦。8964 copyright protection499PENANAQayTkHlqoH 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAc0ZIFEOjeL 維尼
謝謝三位的點評!8964 copyright protection499PENANASzNOCZjwY9 維尼
那我們一起來看看三位是給⭕️或❌!503Please respect copyright.PENANAMGKruJm77J
來8964 copyright protection499PENANAqr8wzyuQya 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANASYYAHqVOIa
2503Please respect copyright.PENANAU63Oy0tkOH
18964 copyright protection499PENANA1w80mBbFHo 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANAHWUVwH7w6e 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAaOMlacJWUx 維尼
……503Please respect copyright.PENANAiRbcMmhZoo
是三叉呢503Please respect copyright.PENANAiHl3A2gvMG
可惜了。503Please respect copyright.PENANAnMp5QS9BpE
希望 十分之一能從三位的意見中得到些甚麼8964 copyright protection499PENANARo8fzjvsTX 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAA2zbiF5FIU 維尼
下一位是刹零和作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANARzoFP3JsBi 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANArFW05HFZT3
8964 copyright protection499PENANArGT8Fl2n7O 維尼
【十年】·房8964 copyright protection499PENANAXPWeF5zg0G 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAxErfp1DyZt
8964 copyright protection499PENANA6Npy460RxJ 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAYwrn9Qbjef 維尼
故事整體想法構思不錯,但對於情景、角色等等描寫過多顯得冗長。另外對於故事那種悲哀、壓抑描寫尚能改善,可考慮參考類似作品【樓下的房客】。8964 copyright protection499PENANA2IVjQhOCMG 維尼
不過以這種字數而言,算是不錯。503Please respect copyright.PENANAv2fSpvHYOY
另外可以注意正字及標點符號的問題,會有所改善。503Please respect copyright.PENANAlDjSTg8tgK
(請看紀師父的小提示8964 copyright protection499PENANAXG6DH1Kyra 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAo7dsQEIb44 維尼
我的意見跟成師父差不多503Please respect copyright.PENANAzFPqySQ1tf
雖然被逼遷的無奈是寫到出來。但無奈情節真的太過兀長。8964 copyright protection499PENANAcG3v9q983Q 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANA1iYxiwcFbR 維尼
感謝賣廣告(待會轉賬)503Please respect copyright.PENANAxvTAH2YYea
以初中生來說,這篇確實寫得不俗,小小年紀能對社會有一定理解也值得嘉許。503Please respect copyright.PENANAwbkRGsXJJP
不過,意象的跳躍稍嫌過快過大,使讀者的注意力容易渙散。503Please respect copyright.PENANAbQbqWYjtpV
如果想吸引香港讀者,文風就要作調整,繁簡體字也要多注意。8964 copyright protection499PENANAQhQ0a7f3Yg 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANATQw8KEXnkB 維尼
來,一起來看看老黃賣瓜的三位是要給⭕️或❌囉!8964 copyright protection499PENANAfU6cTdW0y7 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANALp0x1fEv8s
2503Please respect copyright.PENANAvROaYE2KvU
18964 copyright protection499PENANAnxwZDWoYHI 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANAndq7KD3ohd 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANARjYGp6VIn0 維尼
三叉魔咒又回來了!8964 copyright protection499PENANABreuVwdAgX 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANA52bGS2FK05 維尼
可惜了503Please respect copyright.PENANAFt4C6FnobF
初中生來說真的很不錯8964 copyright protection499PENANAZoYvDMBh0F 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANARiUhQnmg1i 維尼
對,而且很年輕503Please respect copyright.PENANAf2jl4c86dE
不要灰心!加油!8964 copyright protection499PENANACgbdwfQ9lx 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAAmeIM0Pcpu 維尼
加油加油8964 copyright protection499PENANAoxsrVPi2cS 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAp1HUO8GUvc 維尼
不好意思了,剎零要先到復活賽那邊休息一下了8964 copyright protection499PENANA1aEw0370yl 維尼
下一位是泱和作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANAxpEpQDoZ3C 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAgrdznW3KVF
8964 copyright protection499PENANABvWHzTTuu7 維尼
十年之情8964 copyright protection499PENANAsDKrWvO9wA 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAmem9jjt2RJ
8964 copyright protection499PENANAd25PkdmsEU 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAd3Vamv1VnH 維尼
又是一份字數比較少的作品呢~8964 copyright protection499PENANAcssch2wcEh 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAXIbYMvEzgX 維尼
這個是不錯的校園作品呢,不論是情感描寫、感情培養情節等等都是相對到位。8964 copyright protection499PENANARPi72NLGtP 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAZEoQq8yzLf 維尼
我覺得文筆算是通暢,不差的。503Please respect copyright.PENANAic9LJoO7ZM
可劇情構思上面需要多一點。503Please respect copyright.PENANADmIGzBhfGl
要突顯紫薇最後自殺的衝擊與哀傷,以下的鋪墊必不可少,還請留意。503Please respect copyright.PENANANo0sCwdnml
一,是鋪紫薇的壓力與自殺的先兆(先兆是有但已經太晚了)503Please respect copyright.PENANADGCOnJqfPM
二,是鋪主角與紫薇的特殊羈絆503Please respect copyright.PENANAEiPgzWhgyf
三,就是主角知道紫薇後反應的描繪8964 copyright protection499PENANAPBrTktb3MP 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAtcxtww30KO 維尼
自殺的話題本就沉重,作者的處理頗能讓人釋懷。503Please respect copyright.PENANAQuBezuZ7wg
可惜兩個主角的性格都刻畫得不夠深入,行文也略見沙石。8964 copyright protection499PENANA0LNl7UOqpE 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAJtMUZH0EV7 維尼
看來,情況不太樂觀哦……503Please respect copyright.PENANAPsyINNeRGr
三位準備好了嗎?一起來給泱 給⭕️❌哦!8964 copyright protection499PENANAoSODo0LDNo 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANAAbUps46SaS
2503Please respect copyright.PENANAEWi53kS1LE
18964 copyright protection499PENANA4QU4uXxfwR 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANAbwURyblSLC 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANA3QphPe6BAV 維尼
嗯……又是三叉呢503Please respect copyright.PENANAMcxT6RlAwI
泱,不好意思呢,看來未能進入候選區8964 copyright protection499PENANAb1H6KIQ60v 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAMkLfZExpJl 維尼
比較可惜503Please respect copyright.PENANAZbrkcfPDaJ
沉重的作品對於角色刻畫的要求也要相對提高,希望作者下次注意一點了。8964 copyright protection499PENANAEywst814yH 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAqshc9ViX7Y 維尼
謝謝東南大大的建議8964 copyright protection499PENANAHyLHrf8QfX 維尼
接下的作品是8964 copyright protection499PENANAtNFg6rB6dR 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANArWwANL3I8w
8964 copyright protection499PENANASk1hbpFRYX 維尼
輪候者8964 copyright protection499PENANAiaQ178iWS1 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAWkaWnf2JTk
8964 copyright protection499PENANAhpzxwQSlMW 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANApnayg1ORIP 維尼
嗯...503Please respect copyright.PENANArhOlWG1BBS
我記得這位作者是有兩篇作品的?503Please respect copyright.PENANAbEFjO0AkLR
要不要一次過說?8964 copyright protection499PENANAiV9PrqTz9C 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAx8P1U5AZO4 維尼
被破梗了……503Please respect copyright.PENANA9kH0LixhOh
對503Please respect copyright.PENANAEmWwB78Bwf
另一篇作品是8964 copyright protection499PENANAccQ95yImop 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAQx370iHiBk
8964 copyright protection499PENANAgN9QK172O2 維尼
時間小偷8964 copyright protection499PENANAv92m3cfwNa 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAIWzw59Zta3
8964 copyright protection499PENANArZ3e8FxOBN 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAO4oykNsO8b 維尼
完全沒留意到的meeeee8964 copyright protection499PENANA5RUYhGDKgP 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAfFf0O3KaP0 維尼
心水清的me503Please respect copyright.PENANASaqhReQM06
但我還是先說吧503Please respect copyright.PENANADWZHLAZLef
這位作者我覺得實力算是本次比賽裏排得上中上的。503Please respect copyright.PENANACw7lLMFVeQ
兩部都是比較成熟的作品,以這篇輪候者而言,利用一隻天才豬的十年寫出某些人的黑暗,寫出動物的天真和不可改變的命運,其實都值得一讚。8964 copyright protection499PENANAwsyOUPg8MD 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAzhTHhvu4dA 維尼
同意,將豬擬人化的想法挺有趣,也能與作者想表達的道理相合,故事亦很完整。如果糧食短缺問題能再作鋪墊和深化,相信效果會更好。8964 copyright protection499PENANA2m5D4avRAy 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANANr8jcxZ3mp 維尼
以豬為第一身的視角,相當有趣的故事。503Please respect copyright.PENANAbDzHKtxt8i
不論是人性的勾勒到後來追求自由的反抗,哪怕失敗也是笑著死去。503Please respect copyright.PENANAt9iefGa7EH
整體實屬成熟作品,很是不錯。8964 copyright protection499PENANAyg8yuq717H 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAF6n6VZ7B0C 維尼
那時間小偷呢?8964 copyright protection499PENANANuneG40TEA 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAwQWHiSmKMc 維尼
還是我先說吧503Please respect copyright.PENANAulRZrofGuU
其實我頗欣賞男女主角用不同的方式描述這個方法(男主角用第一身,女主角用日記)503Please respect copyright.PENANAAPhwkA0Log
只是用日記寫其實頗高手向,而事實上女主角日記的部分未做到非常引人入勝,叫有點小缺陷。503Please respect copyright.PENANA1aqmWYsA9M
但都欣賞作者願意這樣嘗試。8964 copyright protection499PENANAju2OmZAyZZ 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAl6BBPKi7bE 維尼
還是我第二個說吧XP503Please respect copyright.PENANAGbYsltMW62
時間小偷的設定開首是讓人有點期待的,不過並沒善加利用,有點可惜。503Please respect copyright.PENANAMQ5rJtkZ1H
整篇小說圍繞鬱鬱不得志的小説家,內容有點過於灰暗,希望作者能找到寫作真正的樂趣,其實不過是寫作本身罷了,不需要靠外在的東西去支撐。8964 copyright protection499PENANAKPkCqslQEp 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAPryrmCCTLb 維尼
故事設定有趣。503Please respect copyright.PENANAIWT51BgF8Y
但比起這設定,表達出來的故事相對有待改善。以日記方式有優點有缺點,優點為時間性清晰並能夠交代大量事情,但同時因為比賽篇幅所限衍生的問題──反而陷入一個半湯不水的情況。503Please respect copyright.PENANAnjnZWo757T
若是用一個設定、同一個故事,採取另一種視角來看,或許會更加有趣呢。8964 copyright protection499PENANAqCUWcu1Gp7 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAuJX32fL7rm 維尼
明白,謝謝三位!8964 copyright protection499PENANA0m0fv4xHNv 維尼
因為比賽是以參賽者為評比單位,不是作品。503Please respect copyright.PENANAD8za53y0d7
所以請三位綜合兩篇的表現,給Blackative給出⭕️或❌!8964 copyright protection499PENANAfD34ikpIUf 維尼
大家需要點時間想想嗎?8964 copyright protection499PENANAWvkLAXxuTE 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAFGV0o1zeIS 維尼
我好了8964 copyright protection499PENANASIqu49CefH 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAZQeIil1tKe 維尼
不必了8964 copyright protection499PENANAldKabkyG34 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANASSfGqnvwlD 維尼
那8964 copyright protection499PENANASQCaPLC5Ud 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANArJKiq5CEHc
2503Please respect copyright.PENANAJecxEHHaj5
18964 copyright protection499PENANA5vjY1QCdy8 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANARDuDsfRcHk 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAiZLfUcDAfx 維尼
抱歉我只剩下四個。8964 copyright protection499PENANAOFgR8Ameft 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAZPQWkoFHrA 維尼
兩圈的成績!503Please respect copyright.PENANAQVKVlhz8b2
恭喜Blackative8964 copyright protection499PENANAs6qmnpJZvU 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANA5ngwQYSC2S 維尼
Yeah503Please respect copyright.PENANAxuXfL7ZKiQ
呼一口氣8964 copyright protection499PENANAF9zojK2xsO 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANA2Ttek2xTnW 維尼
接來下的,是廣告前的倒數第二位!503Please respect copyright.PENANApoLzK9NFdT
旧落后和作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANAz3mkmB1Owb 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAZEoZebFdyI
8964 copyright protection499PENANAAZo0zWyQKW 維尼
平行8964 copyright protection499PENANApBa97Eq86Q 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAvIJvEPGO7y
8964 copyright protection499PENANA0O6Mf6BPlO 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAMjAQAYn7Uh 維尼
Hmmm503Please respect copyright.PENANAe4cRvp5WHJ
我建議角色如果只有兩個的話就盡可能突出唯二角色的性格。比如一些小動作,比如一些小心思。503Please respect copyright.PENANAXxNibBjA9b
因為整個故事都是男主一個惡夢,但就以目前的篇幅兩個角色性格並不突出。8964 copyright protection499PENANA8b4vExP3q9 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANA06lIUyhEfb 維尼
感情動人,但是以夢來反映要珍惜現在的套路確實有點舊了,另外簡體字方面也要多多注意。8964 copyright protection499PENANAI0Uje9JSuA 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAyEQH5IswTg 維尼
嗯……我認為該篇參賽作品於劇情、鋪墊有待改善。503Please respect copyright.PENANAPMhdbKVB9d
作者欠缺一般說故事的技巧,建議先寫出大綱整理好故事,然後再行嘗試把故事用一個讀者更能夠理解的方式說出來。503Please respect copyright.PENANAnUEOTPLEdC
加油加油。8964 copyright protection499PENANAuvIPDVrTCG 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAbEyFOPZk6q 維尼
大綱、簡體字都是出現了好幾次的字眼呢。8964 copyright protection499PENANAR8nOL4W6e0 維尼
好了,三位準備好給⭕️❌了吧?8964 copyright protection499PENANAR6eJN9aQvI 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANAynRCwEPihY
2503Please respect copyright.PENANAckcsq8e2s7
18964 copyright protection499PENANASjs3lnlXaL 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANAF8kOfe6IVV 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANA1P35EqRF68 維尼
三叉呢503Please respect copyright.PENANATWUUFtapiq
可惜了503Please respect copyright.PENANAc2KTZoxS87
希望下次看見旧落后更優秀的作品8964 copyright protection499PENANAq487UO8fGI 維尼
來到廣告休息前的最後一個喇!503Please respect copyright.PENANAoz0sNsbR2Z
那是矇豬眼和作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANAAUzGnbRMHR 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAGCClyjtzJ1
8964 copyright protection499PENANADPSmPbo1RC 維尼
此去拾年8964 copyright protection499PENANAMNai8KPFQK 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAhgmz8JxG5j
8964 copyright protection499PENANAZWP2Au4irT 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAtj98hgLz9S 維尼
這篇的文字優美,到最後揭盅主角非主角也甚有驚喜,以拍攝主題去回應大會主題也蠻聰明的,是這次比賽中屬中上的作品。8964 copyright protection499PENANAHFJDIOKYI8 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAKcdB9SoXcB 維尼
文筆秀麗,文中動靜切換場景做得不錯,但說故事能力相對進步空間。503Please respect copyright.PENANA8wbv2h1NVS
到底文中宇羲與司憶的互動是真是假,到好宇羲與司憶昏迷有無關係,到底宇羲為何如文中般頹廢。建議應該解釋一下。503Please respect copyright.PENANA2iBa1Gm1uQ
又或者如果想更意識流的話,就可能要寫得更「迷幻」一些。8964 copyright protection499PENANALoKNxS9WcJ 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAzD49OhBwrg 維尼
個人認為作品不錯,但在後半段略有劇情不足。503Please respect copyright.PENANAQ9X1zkTPxs
在排序那邊數字更是直接欠缺,為此我有在網站PM該位參賽者想問他是否貼漏掉章節,但未能獲得回復,只好作罷。8964 copyright protection499PENANAWqa9Lhs2ee 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAUjqVxKGu46 維尼
聽起來有點可惜呢503Please respect copyright.PENANARjZ4SVsmGT
來!三位!503Please respect copyright.PENANArnMjsvynu7
準備好了吧!8964 copyright protection499PENANAKKNrPIvSwq 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAgLz1GI3TPB 維尼
來吧8964 copyright protection499PENANAmpeqLZVXIu 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANA8pIaG3jJH2 維尼
come8964 copyright protection499PENANAKfwit5ZYD0 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAKcUKbSiHch 維尼
一起來8964 copyright protection499PENANAD65h9s2lJS 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANAN1kuSHU2Cx
2503Please respect copyright.PENANAqFWaBRnn6r
18964 copyright protection499PENANAEsAFObojdm 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANATVChpdZhJL 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANApd5g9geIvh 維尼
雖然得到紀言的大圈……503Please respect copyright.PENANAQGFG1lgjCv
可是,看來是逃不過進復活賽的命呢8964 copyright protection499PENANAAPPvpVTRSY 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAFeZQKWiTQj 維尼
會有古拳法嗎?503Please respect copyright.PENANAqDVrBHL9Fs
會有嗎?503Please respect copyright.PENANA6rNNXN8WQp
@_@8964 copyright protection499PENANAxGSTVrZYJK 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAbweZOi5ZE9 維尼
會有嗎?8964 copyright protection499PENANAqMD19mc8OK 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAqpWNDrV8Lw 維尼
看來沒有呢8964 copyright protection499PENANAuLt7lSDtMH 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAQun1hhsZH7 維尼
嗯⋯⋯雖然有點可惜503Please respect copyright.PENANA3JfoEWVQTN
但還是先不用吧><8964 copyright protection499PENANAVCR4uMGF4c 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANABIxnpx4zKa 維尼
噢!503Please respect copyright.PENANALBjBgHdqZ0
是真的逃不過進復活賽的命呢503Please respect copyright.PENANAnNn3OvWvWS
可惜了。8964 copyright protection499PENANAiTyQeGISvr 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAANfe0bzEpk 維尼
加油503Please respect copyright.PENANAxjPNR4jLyF
文筆是很對我胃口的503Please respect copyright.PENANAvczbfWLlRo
繼續努力8964 copyright protection499PENANAce9ieyw4vB 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAfGqH4qtBRi 維尼
矇豬眼 看見了嗎?要加油哦503Please respect copyright.PENANAwyE6zTnFRv
那接下來先進一則廣告!503Please respect copyright.PENANAtAT31uNmAD
廣告回來再看看其他作品哦。8964 copyright protection499PENANAGrlToePoHh 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANASfEzTHX0eK 維尼
位元堂!503Please respect copyright.PENANAluvfFS9six
養陰丸!503Please respect copyright.PENANAymx7J2Iv4Q
好似太陽咁溫暖!503Please respect copyright.PENANAIOrOVnU99A
【聲音被節目組淡出中……】8964 copyright protection499PENANApfZZqNWvWu 維尼
【下集預告】8964 copyright protection499PENANAnqVhVRQdGD 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAzt6kHvH5Rp 維尼
我一直幫本篇作品改了個花名做下一站天后8964 copyright protection499PENANAMtIM2IJWjw 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAuehoT0mqaH 維尼
可怕的三叉已經出現了三次8964 copyright protection499PENANAmQfHuRLfP5 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANACNfqdVdEk0 維尼
再恐怖一點,恐怕東南就不敢看了嘿嘿。8964 copyright protection499PENANA0dMj1ASyMm 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAph4db12uLx 維尼
先別到下一篇!8964 copyright protection499PENANAPJTlowI5M9 維尼
8月27日晚上6點,繼續準時觀看8964 copyright protection499PENANAUZ3rkDAiL8 維尼
【第二階段:戰隊/復活賽】「太歲兵團 X 萌動學生小說集2021」寫作營8964 copyright protection499PENANAZvlBTRkbxL 維尼
216.73.216.0
ns216.73.216.0da2