x
No Plagiarism!qDEO5pejCspP5iFXEXQqposted on PENANA
【上集提要】8964 copyright protection503PENANAedJNvrZOuN 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAGOTRUYXPP1 維尼
接下來作品就會輪著上場。507Please respect copyright.PENANACsYLCu94I7
三位評審要說說評語507Please respect copyright.PENANAEI8suhSsM8
給⭕️ 還是❌的507Please respect copyright.PENANAvi0cMGgNeM
每個評審也只有七次給出⭕️的機會8964 copyright protection503PENANAadbNz1ijM4 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAUP2USskX0A 維尼
斜陽落月之間,和他的作品——8964 copyright protection503PENANAwKjK0COTPG 維尼
逆時8964 copyright protection503PENANAX7z1fQyuiA 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAtSRS2bUVZc 維尼
其實我覺得是相當有趣的作品,但當中砂石頗多,修改一下會更加好。8964 copyright protection503PENANA1uziLa9MAi 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANA7vtTMdmjR1 維尼
作者的構思很有趣,也很成功,不過具爭議性的話題點過即止沒加深化有點可惜,這個其實是有方法解決的。8964 copyright protection503PENANAbDEjtLtd8Q 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAAdjwPXzpbP 維尼
兩❌一⭕️的結果507Please respect copyright.PENANAznhHAkN5Gi
是進不了候選區呢8964 copyright protection503PENANAOTzjFtToUD 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAe89G0C472L 維尼
啊,等等……8964 copyright protection503PENANAVz2N6tq66z 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAu1qFYrcNWT 維尼
甚麼!8964 copyright protection503PENANAz73gPx3BmQ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANABdnfMdJy33 維尼
QAQ8964 copyright protection503PENANA2hikFBQXEx 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAi0rzbJ2VUe 維尼
難道!8964 copyright protection503PENANAIcCBPNpj8N 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANApPlghxTs8P 維尼
出現了!!!8964 copyright protection503PENANAehA30hC6Ep 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANA6ayUQv4cam 維尼
就是說我還可以叫他入戰隊的嗎?8964 copyright protection503PENANARnpmg1MXMV 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANATL0r6VUIqS 維尼
真.大絕!!!8964 copyright protection503PENANAzolBOI4zA5 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANAlwYRAf2z3u 維尼
Nani8964 copyright protection503PENANAvBOajiwZFr 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAcurLGbWS33 維尼
你想要使出那……8964 copyright protection503PENANAFwYG0cqxh8 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAvdS5ziht9L 維尼
對!8964 copyright protection503PENANATbCzsceWeu 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANA46aI20PYmH 維尼
那傳說中的拳法……8964 copyright protection503PENANAPuQAX9tEzp 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAx1fLDtQjOZ 維尼
就是傳說中的8964 copyright protection503PENANArcGgZ7ykGA 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAbPMzg33rJM 維尼
僅有一次的!8964 copyright protection503PENANAXcuabUPiMo 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAyKpt8Mos62 維尼
8964 copyright protection503PENANAEKV2liie1S 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAdCYTv0vViT 維尼
❗️❗️507Please respect copyright.PENANAgLdIUnAx1B
你確定嗎?8964 copyright protection503PENANAlA0mnUrMZ3 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAMVzpyHb9iH 維尼
!!!8964 copyright protection503PENANA04hQ312HID 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAnqXad0L3iQ 維尼
確定8964 copyright protection503PENANAytnjjh2khE 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAO6Qte6vFj4 維尼
好的!8964 copyright protection503PENANAj6jYwpu8G7 維尼
斜陽落月之間 得到了「誠意✊✊」的機會!507Please respect copyright.PENANAEgL8fKMCQE
直接進入東南戰隊的邀請列當中!8964 copyright protection503PENANAtushMqqJMt 維尼
那另外兩位會有想給意見的嗎?507Please respect copyright.PENANA1HOKTInbzi
我不是說給東南本人哦507Please respect copyright.PENANAYRXgxmbp6i
是給參賽者的8964 copyright protection503PENANAB2ZuH95UVR 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAToamJrgU7r 維尼
(被拳風帶到,昏迷中)8964 copyright protection503PENANAImq1ogwaYA 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANAxUVnwviJKa 維尼
哈哈,對他有多長我沒有意見507Please respect copyright.PENANAj4A8aYOz9Z
對於參賽者之後說的話,我有點不認同他說以「故事本來就帶乏味的方式」,因為我認為故事本身乏味與否除了故事本身,說書人也是當中的重要元素之一。507Please respect copyright.PENANAuPLumYO10p
以題材及推理凶殺方面而言,這絕對算不上是一個「乏味」的題材。507Please respect copyright.PENANAmAhVtUyQqg
獲得古拳法的幫助,我會期待他的進步及成長8964 copyright protection503PENANA0B93XFzAlm 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANASDbao7T2gW 維尼
明白507Please respect copyright.PENANASd7qFFAWeM
那紀言大大呢?有醒來了嗎?8964 copyright protection503PENANAI2ebCumGYX 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAKbo1vSk18q 維尼
如果他⋯⋯能改善我上面⋯⋯所說的地方,應該會⋯⋯更上一層樓的(再昏迷8964 copyright protection503PENANAUHIXQG40dL 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAr6e2XpEhNV 維尼
好的,再次恭喜!8964 copyright protection503PENANAF5TLNRJh8J 維尼
那我們去看看下一位參賽者囉!507Please respect copyright.PENANANNiGKekGwH
那是涼靜融,還有作品——8964 copyright protection503PENANA6p3yppHDsd 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANAZVeEZcYxub
8964 copyright protection503PENANAXJqrwpJYXP 維尼
天使的惡作劇8964 copyright protection503PENANA4qHAphyZcl 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANAKrclRM9PHo
8964 copyright protection503PENANAKKf1WtVv3U 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAHopoKbjpqT 維尼
他的回應都很短呢!感覺很有個性的!8964 copyright protection503PENANAKkEOkRom0s 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAhHUgpnbKc0 維尼
這篇嘛⋯⋯(學楓成ing8964 copyright protection503PENANAQYqSCYzyy7 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAvjdg9EMtSN 維尼
又來了8964 copyright protection503PENANAAD7U3C2m7k 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAg17bbl0Kud 維尼
這篇故事十分完整,在有限的篇幅裏敍述一個完整的故事並不容易,這點作者做到了。507Please respect copyright.PENANAVsNqHbrKGJ
不過,稍微有點可惜的是前段的鋪排可以更改善一點,留下多一點線索,到真相揭盅時會更能顯示作者的用心。507Please respect copyright.PENANAVhRIxM3cEO
文風也挺對我胃口8964 copyright protection503PENANAvPNiivOQF7 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAmwpbvLFbfr 維尼
相對來說完整度算高的作品。507Please respect copyright.PENANAbzT9I66qx7
對於小學生「小學雞」式的互相猜忌,其實都寫得幾真實,但同時問題都出在這裏。507Please respect copyright.PENANAMrFBoCOEpB
因為幾個小主角的行為都太過兩小無猜,以至在羅生門式述說的過程中,未能把讀者誤導或者對他們任何一個生疑,以至很早很早階段我已覺得死者是真的意外死。507Please respect copyright.PENANAQFalP5jD7d
但其實羅生門本身就是個高手向寫法,作者願意嘗試其實非常勇敢,下次嘗試同類型寫法時,嘗試把羅生門方面的設計再刁鑽少少,儘量讓所有人都會列入疑犯之中,這樣就會好很多。8964 copyright protection503PENANAIOSwHtgLFx 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANAIznA3lKF6W 維尼
我認為呢507Please respect copyright.PENANATYoMnWnRdm
故事的劇情佈局不錯,以一群孩子報案、並加以插敘方式洋洋灑灑寫出一部屬推理小說。507Please respect copyright.PENANAdAchldUiRh
只是正因為佈局以推理為主,如此短的篇幅在佈局、埋坑及各種描寫欠缺。8964 copyright protection503PENANAXXETwu22JB 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAlBGgZYVbbW 維尼
好的,事不宜遲!507Please respect copyright.PENANAMjwwPUkcI6
就來給個⭕️❌吧507Please respect copyright.PENANAl0x7zUbD18
準備好8964 copyright protection503PENANASIA09mzNgO 維尼
3507Please respect copyright.PENANA9irplfjUzc
2507Please respect copyright.PENANA01aguemRR3
18964 copyright protection503PENANAIa0FzvQoo4 維尼
8964 copyright protection503PENANA8ysDMQ8h6m 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAqM17ui7ToX 維尼
哦!是兩圈呢!8964 copyright protection503PENANAtJecLQlEn5 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAbpUNcvzC6r 維尼
別怪我507Please respect copyright.PENANAPTE6heJhYd
節目組的錯,我本身想給圈的507Please respect copyright.PENANAC83uTlsGF6
(逃避mode8964 copyright protection503PENANAHFqGXMkU8i 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAtBFR5wYG34 維尼
……節目組表示:我不背!8964 copyright protection503PENANA9hEh32OPcF 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANAQulW2TPIbY 維尼
恭喜恭喜8964 copyright protection503PENANAbrCY8TPOzf 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAWLScJiaptt 維尼
(幸好進了候選....呼一口長氣8964 copyright protection503PENANACsjeO2uC4O 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAo1ri0VmoBK 維尼
恭喜8964 copyright protection503PENANAbQV1pnkWIy 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAd5IF9QR4FR 維尼
恭喜涼靜融進候選區了!8964 copyright protection503PENANAvCR2YvizpI 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANAb7uiwgEaOZ 維尼
其實故事本身是不錯的507Please respect copyright.PENANAguKSKRwPc9
這故事的格局至少需要再多些字數才能完整,我會期待他之後的表現8964 copyright protection503PENANAsRhRVXAg5j 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAnD7YEbJctU 維尼
明白,希望之後還能看到他的作品哦!8964 copyright protection503PENANAuFXdJI76uk 維尼
下一位是:507Please respect copyright.PENANA7ojD7cUOVM
十分之一,和作品——8964 copyright protection503PENANAPsVoLiTXT6 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANAhMrdCOnhvw
8964 copyright protection503PENANArXjusjr28N 維尼
十年倒數8964 copyright protection503PENANAgOddDJ7Vbo 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANApH7XJvpMaV
8964 copyright protection503PENANAikhjN7YJ3g 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAGZmjyhZMUz 維尼
看來又是一個受到楓成荼毒的小朋友8964 copyright protection503PENANAmNpZIBBGEe 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANAyqyzwwhiC8 維尼
竟然507Please respect copyright.PENANALiLj1VDNWp
那我就先說吧507Please respect copyright.PENANAowX0rpu3q0
故事平鋪直敘,但在情感方面勾勒得不錯。雖犧牲了橋段及劇情,但情感處理得不錯,能令讀者心生感同身受。8964 copyright protection503PENANAjXsQGEkjoY 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANABJVXaZP5j0 維尼
連最愛「溫馨」作品的楓成也稱讚情感方面勾勒得不錯?507Please respect copyright.PENANAoQIPNhGJDx
可厲害了!8964 copyright protection503PENANA1SLH07L5Xw 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANASsVnoKm0Mk 維尼
呃……507Please respect copyright.PENANATJm3Znhil8
是的(尷尬笑8964 copyright protection503PENANAwJu7gPCdNQ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAFkOFdqg0qC 維尼
故事重點是患病男主最後的十年,最後也是感歎十年太短了。507Please respect copyright.PENANAxAet6O2hHn
其實這個故事可以很虐,因為從一開始看到男主並不太在意自己生命的短暫,到與女主越來越近才開始感歎時間太少。507Please respect copyright.PENANAZqMZCkzv96
但無奈女主出場真的不多,而男主心路歷程的描寫也不算多,所以就有種「不完整」的感覺。8964 copyright protection503PENANAYvf3J7NABT 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAbNfWnkoRrc 維尼
我認同是情感豐沛的作品,稍嫌主角心中的掙扎不夠強烈。8964 copyright protection503PENANA3duXXE2uHp 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANABs25KHnkAM 維尼
在這種「劇情平淡」的故事裏,「情感渲染」就是最重要最重要的一環。507Please respect copyright.PENANAg2baJ92Vmz
舉例鬼滅之刃其實劇情並非精彩,打鬥也非好看,但其情感渲染做到十足,讓讀者隨著角色的情感起伏,也能夠十分成功。507Please respect copyright.PENANAqv5EJAGIMO
所以,建議下次訂立大綱後,要找出自己故事想表達的重點。507Please respect copyright.PENANAclKyEOXKCk
然後故事的鋪排,角色的互動,就要圍繞重點展開哦。8964 copyright protection503PENANAW4LPzgkXDN 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAPJPNxg2hjw 維尼
謝謝三位的點評!8964 copyright protection503PENANApIcBLQxcsn 維尼
那我們一起來看看三位是給⭕️或❌!507Please respect copyright.PENANAKOSxbqDBA2
來8964 copyright protection503PENANAB9x84qvtJd 維尼
3507Please respect copyright.PENANAOCyUWL4RsY
2507Please respect copyright.PENANAZdo5wq4xdF
18964 copyright protection503PENANAqgYL5UdWP6 維尼
8964 copyright protection503PENANA3K5i45GHTF 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANA2m4ssrw3tH 維尼
……507Please respect copyright.PENANA93OVahd04R
是三叉呢507Please respect copyright.PENANA9Zh4dwvanc
可惜了。507Please respect copyright.PENANArxe97idmsK
希望 十分之一能從三位的意見中得到些甚麼8964 copyright protection503PENANADuDCRxPFWD 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANASMlF6y2Wf2 維尼
下一位是刹零和作品——8964 copyright protection503PENANAb2nnZul6XI 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANA0FKP1VxOJH
8964 copyright protection503PENANAfXk5Lv3l4n 維尼
【十年】·房8964 copyright protection503PENANAk2a5dCGBXT 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANAepXvSjqsEr
8964 copyright protection503PENANA1fqvMyfOqu 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANAm345ncd5es 維尼
故事整體想法構思不錯,但對於情景、角色等等描寫過多顯得冗長。另外對於故事那種悲哀、壓抑描寫尚能改善,可考慮參考類似作品【樓下的房客】。8964 copyright protection503PENANAvjUAdzSDWU 維尼
不過以這種字數而言,算是不錯。507Please respect copyright.PENANAjcEWDqmbQR
另外可以注意正字及標點符號的問題,會有所改善。507Please respect copyright.PENANAj0RHB1k6c3
(請看紀師父的小提示8964 copyright protection503PENANA4BrDmvwwD0 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAhUk1I5ZMr7 維尼
我的意見跟成師父差不多507Please respect copyright.PENANAtdeV9Nc9BF
雖然被逼遷的無奈是寫到出來。但無奈情節真的太過兀長。8964 copyright protection503PENANADn8DbODHLD 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAuqbOqVuKYc 維尼
感謝賣廣告(待會轉賬)507Please respect copyright.PENANAZ7Qvr4tL3e
以初中生來說,這篇確實寫得不俗,小小年紀能對社會有一定理解也值得嘉許。507Please respect copyright.PENANAJERDpnMubS
不過,意象的跳躍稍嫌過快過大,使讀者的注意力容易渙散。507Please respect copyright.PENANAXEvIag3fJj
如果想吸引香港讀者,文風就要作調整,繁簡體字也要多注意。8964 copyright protection503PENANA5udJEyvt6c 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANASTudUdivsV 維尼
來,一起來看看老黃賣瓜的三位是要給⭕️或❌囉!8964 copyright protection503PENANAa2ukSkKrHp 維尼
3507Please respect copyright.PENANA5a6LfjI3HP
2507Please respect copyright.PENANAyflap8clhP
18964 copyright protection503PENANAH5UdYGWCLt 維尼
8964 copyright protection503PENANAPRK2TcSCH1 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAZJia5D6kxt 維尼
三叉魔咒又回來了!8964 copyright protection503PENANAIRuSu0PaQl 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANARga08ix1CU 維尼
可惜了507Please respect copyright.PENANA41tTOPaPUC
初中生來說真的很不錯8964 copyright protection503PENANAS8ofbxgsFy 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANABjbQZAJTPy 維尼
對,而且很年輕507Please respect copyright.PENANAceJRq05XUj
不要灰心!加油!8964 copyright protection503PENANAxXlYdIjaIo 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANARPTtULVcX1 維尼
加油加油8964 copyright protection503PENANAMVEwLeIUAL 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAauS72h0ZtE 維尼
不好意思了,剎零要先到復活賽那邊休息一下了8964 copyright protection503PENANAsTasBuQvnE 維尼
下一位是泱和作品——8964 copyright protection503PENANAJRHf020xK6 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANAaEl1PtEsx7
8964 copyright protection503PENANAwh0xmaFToW 維尼
十年之情8964 copyright protection503PENANApASj3G0ut2 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANABr4uJYdWSZ
8964 copyright protection503PENANAqmWeIdnb9T 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANApS1YaeE96I 維尼
又是一份字數比較少的作品呢~8964 copyright protection503PENANA6Ej7qM4zmx 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANAptXCjCId5t 維尼
這個是不錯的校園作品呢,不論是情感描寫、感情培養情節等等都是相對到位。8964 copyright protection503PENANArE2CKE9WOi 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAFyc3KqetbT 維尼
我覺得文筆算是通暢,不差的。507Please respect copyright.PENANAoYGSkeTHyv
可劇情構思上面需要多一點。507Please respect copyright.PENANAz4dRKjECn3
要突顯紫薇最後自殺的衝擊與哀傷,以下的鋪墊必不可少,還請留意。507Please respect copyright.PENANAEyTtNfMx62
一,是鋪紫薇的壓力與自殺的先兆(先兆是有但已經太晚了)507Please respect copyright.PENANATlIUArV6ac
二,是鋪主角與紫薇的特殊羈絆507Please respect copyright.PENANAR4aFSUH0BE
三,就是主角知道紫薇後反應的描繪8964 copyright protection503PENANAyv1oDUPz3o 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAIT6ktxIaGU 維尼
自殺的話題本就沉重,作者的處理頗能讓人釋懷。507Please respect copyright.PENANAC9Dr7wXSXh
可惜兩個主角的性格都刻畫得不夠深入,行文也略見沙石。8964 copyright protection503PENANA9zLviSh9Fo 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAmm74dx42UF 維尼
看來,情況不太樂觀哦……507Please respect copyright.PENANAvEhJ0LOMY9
三位準備好了嗎?一起來給泱 給⭕️❌哦!8964 copyright protection503PENANA76eTwUSqGI 維尼
3507Please respect copyright.PENANAj6xV1cCZzk
2507Please respect copyright.PENANAdL3tl7tAZt
18964 copyright protection503PENANA6PVwrtKNPa 維尼
8964 copyright protection503PENANAlpOPH1d4S7 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAuA0wca2nso 維尼
嗯……又是三叉呢507Please respect copyright.PENANAoI9whJH0gF
泱,不好意思呢,看來未能進入候選區8964 copyright protection503PENANAXdiHWs55WI 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAYzoyqh2M08 維尼
比較可惜507Please respect copyright.PENANAdS8D7GEDB6
沉重的作品對於角色刻畫的要求也要相對提高,希望作者下次注意一點了。8964 copyright protection503PENANAMuIbNTrtmU 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAW9FCPkVs0u 維尼
謝謝東南大大的建議8964 copyright protection503PENANAnjYCQ2Sqgs 維尼
接下的作品是8964 copyright protection503PENANAG6tJ8UGqaR 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANAndwVuajdQw
8964 copyright protection503PENANAI5qjXKrKXA 維尼
輪候者8964 copyright protection503PENANALCfYqBWisP 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANA1JxiWxf9GG
8964 copyright protection503PENANA4Bn1KlUAVJ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAewuuAx9YnW 維尼
嗯...507Please respect copyright.PENANA1pEpiuFUAZ
我記得這位作者是有兩篇作品的?507Please respect copyright.PENANAv90PbMVUVi
要不要一次過說?8964 copyright protection503PENANA14YT4citpJ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAKtfULvMgIF 維尼
被破梗了……507Please respect copyright.PENANAuXbf6aLtuZ
對507Please respect copyright.PENANAB63QbI45jl
另一篇作品是8964 copyright protection503PENANAoMK8SPEcQh 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANAXkBA9Ga5n4
8964 copyright protection503PENANAlr8jlIFjyS 維尼
時間小偷8964 copyright protection503PENANAaVgxrbhyDw 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANAXRxdr6fMRY
8964 copyright protection503PENANAYcfQLCrOVS 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANARjxsGaRWpd 維尼
完全沒留意到的meeeee8964 copyright protection503PENANA9z0GFoHUyI 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANA6KOtvP36nH 維尼
心水清的me507Please respect copyright.PENANAfPDLhmsoi2
但我還是先說吧507Please respect copyright.PENANAOk8RiCaSsI
這位作者我覺得實力算是本次比賽裏排得上中上的。507Please respect copyright.PENANAZLe4MUJ0SM
兩部都是比較成熟的作品,以這篇輪候者而言,利用一隻天才豬的十年寫出某些人的黑暗,寫出動物的天真和不可改變的命運,其實都值得一讚。8964 copyright protection503PENANANKsXCQajp5 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAcddSlTgYBM 維尼
同意,將豬擬人化的想法挺有趣,也能與作者想表達的道理相合,故事亦很完整。如果糧食短缺問題能再作鋪墊和深化,相信效果會更好。8964 copyright protection503PENANAEjNCKpfTUv 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANAblzGnrrIwr 維尼
以豬為第一身的視角,相當有趣的故事。507Please respect copyright.PENANABVD4n8dAlq
不論是人性的勾勒到後來追求自由的反抗,哪怕失敗也是笑著死去。507Please respect copyright.PENANArKvsR9DEYc
整體實屬成熟作品,很是不錯。8964 copyright protection503PENANAyZmUDVgVLA 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAsB2yEhzVUI 維尼
那時間小偷呢?8964 copyright protection503PENANAt4kNUURvEJ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANA1idQ9hU3RY 維尼
還是我先說吧507Please respect copyright.PENANARHbxc4Uy0P
其實我頗欣賞男女主角用不同的方式描述這個方法(男主角用第一身,女主角用日記)507Please respect copyright.PENANA1ra5uC6eLE
只是用日記寫其實頗高手向,而事實上女主角日記的部分未做到非常引人入勝,叫有點小缺陷。507Please respect copyright.PENANA3GBiFSAcuy
但都欣賞作者願意這樣嘗試。8964 copyright protection503PENANAIcMGk122Bz 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAZ8fprhTLHW 維尼
還是我第二個說吧XP507Please respect copyright.PENANAvXFWUhG67f
時間小偷的設定開首是讓人有點期待的,不過並沒善加利用,有點可惜。507Please respect copyright.PENANAyL4DctfWjg
整篇小說圍繞鬱鬱不得志的小説家,內容有點過於灰暗,希望作者能找到寫作真正的樂趣,其實不過是寫作本身罷了,不需要靠外在的東西去支撐。8964 copyright protection503PENANAfHekipcH0X 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANA40tbLSE2a4 維尼
故事設定有趣。507Please respect copyright.PENANABRN9RkbvkK
但比起這設定,表達出來的故事相對有待改善。以日記方式有優點有缺點,優點為時間性清晰並能夠交代大量事情,但同時因為比賽篇幅所限衍生的問題──反而陷入一個半湯不水的情況。507Please respect copyright.PENANAJhD05lVAuH
若是用一個設定、同一個故事,採取另一種視角來看,或許會更加有趣呢。8964 copyright protection503PENANAkikjnsRhxA 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAsPhCQTLV9K 維尼
明白,謝謝三位!8964 copyright protection503PENANA7aAeyZSUfR 維尼
因為比賽是以參賽者為評比單位,不是作品。507Please respect copyright.PENANA3rKKlGPOJk
所以請三位綜合兩篇的表現,給Blackative給出⭕️或❌!8964 copyright protection503PENANAnBzQxFnhSm 維尼
大家需要點時間想想嗎?8964 copyright protection503PENANAj4nDPn6lhT 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAyVlXhn0rJJ 維尼
我好了8964 copyright protection503PENANAIwF67kHNlj 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAYkmeajW1VH 維尼
不必了8964 copyright protection503PENANAvZGDzkyh07 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAUDeyjJpsjP 維尼
那8964 copyright protection503PENANAdHdX5f0fqk 維尼
3507Please respect copyright.PENANAHgPem44RK4
2507Please respect copyright.PENANAhFUvg86TkJ
18964 copyright protection503PENANAGRVxWhwHs5 維尼
8964 copyright protection503PENANA9swRAID7nV 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANApAwixiy5pR 維尼
抱歉我只剩下四個。8964 copyright protection503PENANAiWQp6nxpRB 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAEGkgYpikHG 維尼
兩圈的成績!507Please respect copyright.PENANABzZqpPouJ8
恭喜Blackative8964 copyright protection503PENANAn7ZjRFOE0Q 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAfQeebmSnUV 維尼
Yeah507Please respect copyright.PENANA4WLZueuhYI
呼一口氣8964 copyright protection503PENANAUjJlXQCB2j 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAc9D52cuU7u 維尼
接來下的,是廣告前的倒數第二位!507Please respect copyright.PENANAjSjrFbRDW9
旧落后和作品——8964 copyright protection503PENANADBeXEtu1y6 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANAuH1tzst1Cw
8964 copyright protection503PENANA0RgW2Ct2Ii 維尼
平行8964 copyright protection503PENANAolZgYtCwZE 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANAoalRwwtque
8964 copyright protection503PENANA4sIaj4m1vY 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANA5AboImygfW 維尼
Hmmm507Please respect copyright.PENANAA2U9dWIi2X
我建議角色如果只有兩個的話就盡可能突出唯二角色的性格。比如一些小動作,比如一些小心思。507Please respect copyright.PENANAlT6l1Ar3TJ
因為整個故事都是男主一個惡夢,但就以目前的篇幅兩個角色性格並不突出。8964 copyright protection503PENANA4ed3W6afzc 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANANmnhdx0cS1 維尼
感情動人,但是以夢來反映要珍惜現在的套路確實有點舊了,另外簡體字方面也要多多注意。8964 copyright protection503PENANAnDaAbTyCcJ 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANAxRgwLPyiTu 維尼
嗯……我認為該篇參賽作品於劇情、鋪墊有待改善。507Please respect copyright.PENANArmE6ngRLjz
作者欠缺一般說故事的技巧,建議先寫出大綱整理好故事,然後再行嘗試把故事用一個讀者更能夠理解的方式說出來。507Please respect copyright.PENANAPb5dLo4p8m
加油加油。8964 copyright protection503PENANAA7NDsW4gwp 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAGnnjLsTKI3 維尼
大綱、簡體字都是出現了好幾次的字眼呢。8964 copyright protection503PENANAqfeLtuOX3Y 維尼
好了,三位準備好給⭕️❌了吧?8964 copyright protection503PENANA8U1Pd65b87 維尼
3507Please respect copyright.PENANAdfPo5QsB2M
2507Please respect copyright.PENANAy61URfJVp4
18964 copyright protection503PENANAD5wGA4Ik6Z 維尼
8964 copyright protection503PENANAwqJn1wbDmb 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAnDlwx0VJJD 維尼
三叉呢507Please respect copyright.PENANA0j5HmlatJU
可惜了507Please respect copyright.PENANAi0vhf1DKdZ
希望下次看見旧落后更優秀的作品8964 copyright protection503PENANAL88n0dhG9N 維尼
來到廣告休息前的最後一個喇!507Please respect copyright.PENANA3fEpdm2ILU
那是矇豬眼和作品——8964 copyright protection503PENANAWGEhzPgK80 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANA5LGdAaWA2s
8964 copyright protection503PENANAazjWNL2xdo 維尼
此去拾年8964 copyright protection503PENANARsQdhVK4rQ 維尼
507Please respect copyright.PENANA89yAjuXuH5
8964 copyright protection503PENANAX9JeerRnM1 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAmwdWR8GDZv 維尼
這篇的文字優美,到最後揭盅主角非主角也甚有驚喜,以拍攝主題去回應大會主題也蠻聰明的,是這次比賽中屬中上的作品。8964 copyright protection503PENANAXj36GaMWXf 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAg1dNteof1S 維尼
文筆秀麗,文中動靜切換場景做得不錯,但說故事能力相對進步空間。507Please respect copyright.PENANAxTpd1Qo50L
到底文中宇羲與司憶的互動是真是假,到好宇羲與司憶昏迷有無關係,到底宇羲為何如文中般頹廢。建議應該解釋一下。507Please respect copyright.PENANAbKxDGUa3JQ
又或者如果想更意識流的話,就可能要寫得更「迷幻」一些。8964 copyright protection503PENANAAlSUT9YwUv 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANAm4aFfuHlNp 維尼
個人認為作品不錯,但在後半段略有劇情不足。507Please respect copyright.PENANA728WvrMCff
在排序那邊數字更是直接欠缺,為此我有在網站PM該位參賽者想問他是否貼漏掉章節,但未能獲得回復,只好作罷。8964 copyright protection503PENANAWJF6cBFvAK 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAGZQp0NsZft 維尼
聽起來有點可惜呢507Please respect copyright.PENANAEo8gVuNRgo
來!三位!507Please respect copyright.PENANAQLxX8GCEIx
準備好了吧!8964 copyright protection503PENANACExE3Gh2zN 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANA8uaJ8HjHXD 維尼
來吧8964 copyright protection503PENANAET1mTTgOmC 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANA28NmUSud0A 維尼
come8964 copyright protection503PENANAAUbzYG8yCd 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAgFrRPbid2Y 維尼
一起來8964 copyright protection503PENANAM51azCGelw 維尼
3507Please respect copyright.PENANA5Wji2X5Ks9
2507Please respect copyright.PENANAcJoW4OhEkk
18964 copyright protection503PENANA5DaxJi7Xq8 維尼
8964 copyright protection503PENANA5ykmye9rxE 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANA8vovePIJLW 維尼
雖然得到紀言的大圈……507Please respect copyright.PENANADN5Y4WVUrv
可是,看來是逃不過進復活賽的命呢8964 copyright protection503PENANAd96mdB84M2 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAtW2meRQzP5 維尼
會有古拳法嗎?507Please respect copyright.PENANAkykjaHGJc5
會有嗎?507Please respect copyright.PENANA4ohJk8xFCy
@_@8964 copyright protection503PENANAQ6oxe6wrvA 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAXQMATxgdk2 維尼
會有嗎?8964 copyright protection503PENANAj9MJsFxWUD 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANAHXlkgRX98h 維尼
看來沒有呢8964 copyright protection503PENANA0ecNonZoEu 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAWzd67hyFuk 維尼
嗯⋯⋯雖然有點可惜507Please respect copyright.PENANADns4TfDhk4
但還是先不用吧><8964 copyright protection503PENANA1LC4D50ZBC 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANArXKlo4HE3t 維尼
噢!507Please respect copyright.PENANAjMiBw2CH0O
是真的逃不過進復活賽的命呢507Please respect copyright.PENANAonBQqogj1a
可惜了。8964 copyright protection503PENANAGLH1L3Ny89 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAvHlMUCn76g 維尼
加油507Please respect copyright.PENANA9Hvr0AKans
文筆是很對我胃口的507Please respect copyright.PENANAFzZ3M2IykU
繼續努力8964 copyright protection503PENANAj9XdehybMT 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANApLpA9yzCs9 維尼
矇豬眼 看見了嗎?要加油哦507Please respect copyright.PENANAACfwXk642N
那接下來先進一則廣告!507Please respect copyright.PENANAK4g3dM96z7
廣告回來再看看其他作品哦。8964 copyright protection503PENANAqoG9HUGvLW 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAIROAx3s2M6 維尼
位元堂!507Please respect copyright.PENANAq07xx9agxu
養陰丸!507Please respect copyright.PENANAZtU4O1CyLW
好似太陽咁溫暖!507Please respect copyright.PENANAV6jUdRIN2b
【聲音被節目組淡出中……】8964 copyright protection503PENANAGrOD8aVR1M 維尼
【下集預告】8964 copyright protection503PENANAbnJRNlW4gJ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection503PENANAZi4w32jqkp 維尼
我一直幫本篇作品改了個花名做下一站天后8964 copyright protection503PENANA7iCJsKpTgr 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection503PENANAiypUnsqZeq 維尼
可怕的三叉已經出現了三次8964 copyright protection503PENANAmt8W0PlBN8 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection503PENANAJbiLmvr4K0 維尼
再恐怖一點,恐怕東南就不敢看了嘿嘿。8964 copyright protection503PENANAJTzLHkV1oc 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection503PENANAveqzfKZQQM 維尼
先別到下一篇!8964 copyright protection503PENANATFelySdTg7 維尼
8月27日晚上6點,繼續準時觀看8964 copyright protection503PENANAD3xlzyo0k1 維尼
【第二階段:戰隊/復活賽】「太歲兵團 X 萌動學生小說集2021」寫作營8964 copyright protection503PENANAvYwGnUN9Tg 維尼
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