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No Plagiarism!UKMLzh6iVXSlZmCobMnFposted on PENANA
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANAlVS11ApAmT 維尼
廣告回來461Please respect copyright.PENANAvE0mjYCOpH
再次歡迎大家收看8964 copyright protection457PENANAxDcVtiNO6D 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAdI20R7yum0 維尼
Helloooooooo8964 copyright protection457PENANAVElKerqVlH 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANAWqqc3gSPBW 維尼
廣告前,12位參賽者經過的選擇門461Please respect copyright.PENANA5eOC1m3o1c
當中只有4位通過461Please respect copyright.PENANAq76XqAMTmr
一位得到誠意✊✊的機會!461Please respect copyright.PENANARcm0pEUqP2
接下來就看看其他11位囉8964 copyright protection457PENANA1XTDGjNzUz 維尼
首先第一位登場的是461Please respect copyright.PENANAqy76IVioDj
子鶱的作品——8964 copyright protection457PENANAFkaqPVP6GN 維尼
461Please respect copyright.PENANArq72vA3PXq
8964 copyright protection457PENANAiOL1EjI30S 維尼
七十•七萬•七十億8964 copyright protection457PENANApLhCLgq6G6 維尼
461Please respect copyright.PENANAbHFKJ7EHWw
8964 copyright protection457PENANAX5yf8BuCTW 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANAZztYTFTHEm 維尼
以阿美的明星夢起夢醒貫穿,故事完整,也能帶出作者想表達的意思。461Please respect copyright.PENANANUN5Z1CsdJ
可是,整個故事有點流水帳的感覺,角色的塑造亦不夠立體,未能使讀者代入角色的遭遇,如果能多加描述,將字數拉長至兩倍左右,應該會更感人。8964 copyright protection457PENANAeLC0V8B7Fi 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAKaczBWnqoE 維尼
我一直幫本篇作品改了個花名做下一站天后,因為我覺得是個很「追明星夢」的題材,而且故事完整度頗高,所以我對本作頗為讚賞。461Please respect copyright.PENANA4iWKMkf4fp
同意紀言的觀點,就是故事有少少流水賬,編排與節奏上仍有改進空間。461Please respect copyright.PENANAUk1cONPjd2
作者把四千字全部聚焦在阿美身上,使其經歷飽滿地刻畫了出來,可惜的是阿美的塑造略嫌平板缺少深度,雖然經歷有了,心路歷程都有了,但缺少了點立體感。461Please respect copyright.PENANAMB8qfqsfIm
可中段的故事也平淡了點,而且因為所有焦點都聚焦在阿美身上,其他角色就相對模糊了一點,其實還有六千字,有些位都可以盡量刻畫下,豐富一下其他角色,這樣或許會更好。8964 copyright protection457PENANAEtFSwZRo7y 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection457PENANAjmVziu6aP4 維尼
相當不錯的故事佈局,更起了首尾呼應的效果。461Please respect copyright.PENANAS46ovLfILm
從女主角(阿SA!?)被紙醉金迷的世界繼而忘掉初衷,到最後重新回到起點之地,想回了那個熱愛歌唱的自己。461Please respect copyright.PENANASJkNxnKXH1
值得提醒的是,文筆略有待改進。461Please respect copyright.PENANAv56WDVao7E
若行文再嚴謹一點,這篇作品足以進入前十之列。8964 copyright protection457PENANAOGbcV35RZS 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANA9tgXyCSMYE 維尼
三位都已經給出了意見了461Please respect copyright.PENANAFptW9yiSnT
到底這篇下一站天后會得到多少⭕️呢?461Please respect copyright.PENANAJFqR5z2ptB
準備好了嗎?8964 copyright protection457PENANAOr4fBUxkzC 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANA5l3CoPkqDq 維尼
ok8964 copyright protection457PENANApGcS2VpKkU 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANA7dYlmuSwuQ 維尼
我們來8964 copyright protection457PENANAPKf1N6OPHn 維尼
3461Please respect copyright.PENANAywTQouxM2N
2461Please respect copyright.PENANAyIoIZBTIFA
18964 copyright protection457PENANA2hEl0yef3U 維尼
8964 copyright protection457PENANA6aMoB60OXQ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAmItl3hoDSu 維尼
對不起QAQ8964 copyright protection457PENANAAnjpzuqFZl 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANAWISzgU4Kxq 維尼
……461Please respect copyright.PENANAZeiUYGGpYK
又是可怕的三叉!461Please respect copyright.PENANA8dTPO5a9wZ
三位有甚麼想安慰一下的嗎?8964 copyright protection457PENANAStRTWfFSRf 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAFcxJJYqIXo 維尼
QAQ8964 copyright protection457PENANAjHPSz45KOU 維尼
我覺得........................461Please respect copyright.PENANADrMRLEmgFr
(細聲說)是圈太少了..8964 copyright protection457PENANAXrgCIcDghP 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection457PENANArClf8s2ZYD 維尼
不錯的作品,奈何對手強勁8964 copyright protection457PENANAdrgelAPhO8 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANAaj40Ibe3nk 維尼
期待復活賽再見8964 copyright protection457PENANAzHGd7A4Hqa 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANA0QZX78kkgO 維尼
嗯,評語上面都說得差不多了。461Please respect copyright.PENANAVDhGgtxzPQ
其實可以從中見到作者的潛力的。不要灰心,復活賽再見!8964 copyright protection457PENANAkIlqDkTETg 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANA56uKX6psO3 維尼
子鶱,聽到了嗎?要加油哦!8964 copyright protection457PENANAYkVJ6RxIsj 維尼
好的。461Please respect copyright.PENANAGFev2ChWBI
接下來上場的參賽者是……461Please respect copyright.PENANA5Lzv8BQTLb
migt的作品——8964 copyright protection457PENANAok2jUYCRW8 維尼
461Please respect copyright.PENANAPiK8yPvebY
8964 copyright protection457PENANAXtRhUxcNgV 維尼
十年回魂8964 copyright protection457PENANAqffdOT0HBs 維尼
461Please respect copyright.PENANAUhvFoom7LA
8964 copyright protection457PENANAfcZjzIHlk6 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAbKVvhuFAGo 維尼
氣氛營造得相當不錯,真的會讓人覺得毛毛的感覺。461Please respect copyright.PENANAFwdbYglG0o
只可惜的是沒有故事,就變成單純作者氣氛把控的show。461Please respect copyright.PENANAil7ZeozR2K
哎喲其實還有六千字左右,不妨把它完成了嘛。461Please respect copyright.PENANAxtgMS1WNUI
現在太過意猶未盡,未必是件好事哦。8964 copyright protection457PENANA19RnoLosv0 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANAA18ygrgIuy 維尼
東南很怕鬼故的……(奸笑)461Please respect copyright.PENANAFSJm99tASN
不過也認同恐怖氣氛營造得不俗喇,但是日記形式的解謎會使讀者的投入感減低,最後的高潮位如能將懸疑感再推上一層相信會更佳。8964 copyright protection457PENANANaEhKkIXQT 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection457PENANAEXMtuMJWO0 維尼
一開始看下去,氣氛等等都營造得相當不錯,令我心生期待。461Please respect copyright.PENANA3Gpho0oJuc
算是不錯的驚慄故事,也相當切題。只是建議在故事中對於主人公再多一點的描寫,若是太過於執著劇情、驚慄的故事而忽略了對主角的描寫,讀者難以替主角感到緊張繼而代入。461Please respect copyright.PENANAmKDPRhG8OB
再恐怖一點,恐怕東南就不敢看了嘿嘿。8964 copyright protection457PENANACgtXfc7OPE 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANAPoyZHhosWp 維尼
這部讓人毛毛的作品461Please respect copyright.PENANAmshPVFH3Jn
到底又逃不逃得過三叉的下場呢?461Please respect copyright.PENANAyBYX0dUSRC
準備好了吧?461Please respect copyright.PENANAmAAiNa42El
一起來8964 copyright protection457PENANAvAgfBBixZI 維尼
3461Please respect copyright.PENANALaOv6nxvrY
2461Please respect copyright.PENANAWUPjsGOAA2
18964 copyright protection457PENANAEooAvzVmc0 維尼
8964 copyright protection457PENANAbbvFlt3eJZ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANAsgsntrvk2e 維尼
可惡!8964 copyright protection457PENANAq7NwVZb9Gw 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANA9UoXmlUxYO 維尼
有點可惜~461Please respect copyright.PENANACKaHYO0Nfg
他的懸疑感很夠461Please respect copyright.PENANAr57t5uyRVn
只是劇情上稍有欠缺8964 copyright protection457PENANADIQLLSjaIW 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANA0uK5it2Pam 維尼
評語上面也說清楚了。461Please respect copyright.PENANAVsXURrnY8K
其實我覺得作者營造氣氛真的做得很好,奈何劇情上面確實差了點。461Please respect copyright.PENANAQDMYzrJc9r
希望繼續努力!復活賽再來一篇鬼故!衝啊!8964 copyright protection457PENANAuQGp4FDUaP 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection457PENANAkOKywfuMCM 維尼
若在故事劇情及人物多著墨,會是競爭前十的強力人選8964 copyright protection457PENANAmGly9ZD6sw 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANAPuxihy1Lr1 維尼
期待復活戰讓東南嚇得不敢看!8964 copyright protection457PENANAgGTN70X3XM 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANA68xVzBfeSn 維尼
希望migt 能從評審們的建議中有所得益哦!461Please respect copyright.PENANAs3ngtwNZaO
然後重點是要嚇倒東南ww8964 copyright protection457PENANAMZkBd5FQqC 維尼
好了461Please respect copyright.PENANAUBRmiC2n1A
下一位參賽者又準備好上場囉461Please respect copyright.PENANAXX1T7lc6qH
他是御林君,作品——8964 copyright protection457PENANAp9Ao0Wjsc7 維尼
461Please respect copyright.PENANAH63Xupl22v
8964 copyright protection457PENANAh5oGh4v7np 維尼
花開花落終有時,相逢相聚本無意8964 copyright protection457PENANARaqmVWeKuO 維尼
461Please respect copyright.PENANAl7Bk5ZxW7C
8964 copyright protection457PENANArGvqRwxype 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAete5aTgsRV 維尼
文筆不俗,可惜的是故事過於平鋪直敘,而且盡量避免用對白推進故事,太多對白的話容易減低讀者看下去的意欲。8964 copyright protection457PENANA4vDLamf79s 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANA8YMEOVGwXa 維尼
見到作者努力建立自己的行文風格,不過現時仍稍見沙石,相信假以時日會更精進。461Please respect copyright.PENANAkYQ3GbdusV
兩位主角的對比鮮明,如果劇情上能多加轉折應該會更佳。8964 copyright protection457PENANAPsratszBuj 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection457PENANA5231G42fkJ 維尼
同意兩位看法,繼續加油。8964 copyright protection457PENANAwEKXZWOhZY 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANAlKseYwRzGA 維尼
聽起來好像有點不太樂觀呢……8964 copyright protection457PENANAkapBTRCp0M 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection457PENANA1ULlEXnWep 維尼
沒事沒事…8964 copyright protection457PENANAvZBVFCN8a8 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANA9sZD0RzQky 維尼
不過沒關係461Please respect copyright.PENANAfszWIQ2Fuo
御林君,我們一起來迎接結果吧!461Please respect copyright.PENANAlcaBLFiBzX
準備好了吧?8964 copyright protection457PENANATbyIpR7Gvs 維尼
3461Please respect copyright.PENANAbsCOpwdXLt
2461Please respect copyright.PENANApUhgNJ8TEv
18964 copyright protection457PENANAdXwCWyOyqI 維尼
8964 copyright protection457PENANA0qT0a4zIiS 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANA2K8nhCpMYc 維尼
可惜了,謝謝御林君的參賽。461Please respect copyright.PENANATvIUsIgwO7
別忘了我們還有復活賽哦8964 copyright protection457PENANAiVxO8nTX0q 維尼
可怕的三叉已經出現了三次461Please respect copyright.PENANAXYRy540ntD
到底接下來的這位參賽者可以打破這局面了嗎?461Please respect copyright.PENANAhzHMZYXf8a
接下來的是……461Please respect copyright.PENANAYyaq7nQiDc
文楓!8964 copyright protection457PENANA0JTgurZkdF 維尼
461Please respect copyright.PENANALVnOdMJ5kL
8964 copyright protection457PENANAj8D6vEguXD 維尼
星光,燭光和火光8964 copyright protection457PENANA6IYrzMusTj 維尼
461Please respect copyright.PENANAE0LfsdvRid
8964 copyright protection457PENANAPeX84NwstU 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAGzAIOPzelX 維尼
頗具完成度的西方奇幻小說。461Please respect copyright.PENANACQxsLj1EC3
開首的佈局讓我非常期待接下來的發展,可惜尾段有點趕,以致看上去有點虎頭蛇尾的感覺。461Please respect copyright.PENANAKdseqoLHSg
故事去到中間時,十年後必須兩個死一個,其實是一個不錯的切入點,女巫與養女之間,對於這點其實可以寫多一點劇情。461Please respect copyright.PENANAFVLgiQgeEZ
我不知道是因為時間太趕,還是作者有意為之,如今的收尾就顯得有點可惜了。8964 copyright protection457PENANAJyFZ2sPwNW 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANAGWJbYtaklc 維尼
嘛,為了趕死線而草草收尾的事,大家也經歷過啊~以前大半部分來說,我還是很看好的。461Please respect copyright.PENANAPdiRym5sOs
獵巫的世界觀完整,故事感情細膩動人。461Please respect copyright.PENANAAtM4Bc2S0n
略嫌可惜的是結尾收得有點草率,沒有全部呼應前面的伏筆。8964 copyright protection457PENANAD674W93ASy 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection457PENANARhktJnp6Uj 維尼
很難說的一部參賽作品。461Please respect copyright.PENANAwCqNpX5K2i
前中段表現出色,但到後段直線下降,令心生強烈反差感。461Please respect copyright.PENANAs6iH0QZQRa
以獵巫為背景,不論是女巫、惡魔及人類孩子的佈局也是相當有趣。461Please respect copyright.PENANA6Mws6K4uWf
只是結局有種草草了事的感覺,並沒能把前中段鋪墊良久的情感進行爆發,有點可惜。461Please respect copyright.PENANAdTKso4Arzq
宏觀整部作品仍屬不錯的作品,很期待你的進步及完整的故事作品。8964 copyright protection457PENANAUQQtT0JX6D 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANA4Mus1o2elJ 維尼
這部西方奇幻的作品461Please respect copyright.PENANAogEJMvXjbF
可以得到評審們的青睞嗎?8964 copyright protection457PENANAsE9Hrn64E0 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection457PENANA2rLzUDrrwN 維尼
嗯……461Please respect copyright.PENANAJU6OYTgc3d
這個需要慎重考慮(認真8964 copyright protection457PENANANeqahSGVQL 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAdS85ZOEJHI 維尼
= =|||461Please respect copyright.PENANAZqcRI85ff8
唉461Please respect copyright.PENANAfS5Q9Wi2MR
這個真有點糾結8964 copyright protection457PENANA8SafYwMhbW 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANARGvS0qHBiE 維尼
嘛⋯⋯8964 copyright protection457PENANAhmtonENAO2 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANAgO08Sfus5j 維尼
三位還需要點時間嗎?8964 copyright protection457PENANARh1uRVSL9t 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAwfZ6mi0Uek 維尼
但按實力而言應該沒問題的461Please respect copyright.PENANAJbNfXUwZHS
來吧461Please respect copyright.PENANA5a6MqPeeTv
要來終究要來8964 copyright protection457PENANAm6vjqn17CV 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANAOzTY4PlZIc 維尼
來!8964 copyright protection457PENANAf79aKKTjRR 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANAEkqEnSPHfk 維尼
來囉8964 copyright protection457PENANACvNHkfpa97 維尼
3461Please respect copyright.PENANA5cNn2Q1Nbp
2461Please respect copyright.PENANAjzWHBgrFMG
18964 copyright protection457PENANAllCiUztKtM 維尼
8964 copyright protection457PENANAQjGZWFIoug 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAj5C3VhLUox 維尼
.......................8964 copyright protection457PENANAv2l0Yyp5CU 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection457PENANATuY8HbFZtx 維尼
……8964 copyright protection457PENANAqCj4N3ArKm 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANAtu9HAOuVuY 維尼
Nani461Please respect copyright.PENANA0oD1eye2tI
⋯⋯⋯⋯8964 copyright protection457PENANAktSMc3kQEo 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAh78yUeCpUW 維尼
啊?你們怎麼不給圈?461Please respect copyright.PENANAamVJIZdKnQ
癡線8964 copyright protection457PENANAsdTKOone05 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection457PENANAFfxzJMF4bc 維尼
你們不是給圈嗎?8964 copyright protection457PENANA7FOzQht6xh 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANAxmYVMNigBw 維尼
可惜了……8964 copyright protection457PENANAmSyKdeyrng 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANAges59yBTCG 維尼
我還以為⋯⋯461Please respect copyright.PENANAJwqwiQeKpe
慢著慢著8964 copyright protection457PENANAllsuvBxOW1 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAkjxeCj4LBf 維尼
喂喂喂8964 copyright protection457PENANA2kdkCukO6b 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection457PENANA26DPHhHTVh 維尼
我沒有足夠的圈啦8964 copyright protection457PENANAugkL2o1rMj 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAGAvGQlXAE7 維尼
............461Please respect copyright.PENANAG3jhu3jXCe
哎呀........461Please respect copyright.PENANAHqz9ANviul
我以為你們兩個圈我就省下一個8964 copyright protection457PENANA9PFzeJ7W6K 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection457PENANA3Y3YMS5Lyr 維尼
這賽果461Please respect copyright.PENANANLlo1OtRde
讓人太震驚了8964 copyright protection457PENANANnrbysPx09 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANAjsAwFZJHoN 維尼
先別到下一篇8964 copyright protection457PENANAcPMlTes5wQ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAC6dN0JhsLh 維尼
!!!!461Please respect copyright.PENANAiUW1qwHFbR
紀師父!?8964 copyright protection457PENANAcYt9sWkSgK 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANAHyHCeTDuTx 維尼
8964 copyright protection457PENANAPVxzQmtOGU 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANAtyjERarviy 維尼
!!!!!!!!461Please respect copyright.PENANAPKtqqD7Eo9
把他給我救回來8964 copyright protection457PENANAKeMmNpkZGa 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAFEBqMRCFUb 維尼
癡線461Please respect copyright.PENANAvqpjIFcyy5
有沒有那麼帥氣8964 copyright protection457PENANAdjTCqaMKOt 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection457PENANAzvlZpkwkf9 維尼
竟然461Please respect copyright.PENANAJEO5kUgoK3
是傳說中的拳法8964 copyright protection457PENANAo4eVc84Jgy 維尼
但你明明給❌461Please respect copyright.PENANAiZDR7umHQT
……8964 copyright protection457PENANAboXzfyiZKf 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection457PENANAp1lShIDOhY 維尼
暴力救市8964 copyright protection457PENANAP9yJIVhjmN 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAEEkKDiMk8e 維尼
自己給❌然後自己給誠意拳拳461Please respect copyright.PENANA6ZIp6Yy7SV
女人很恐怖8964 copyright protection457PENANAHbt8YGODbt 維尼
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這篇實在不應該落選的8964 copyright protection457PENANAIvhU3pLDUk 維尼
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好的,文楓獲得了紀言的「誠意✊✊」461Please respect copyright.PENANAK5VdARC8PE
直接加入紀言的邀請進隊名單8964 copyright protection457PENANAgUImMbtB2a 維尼
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461Please respect copyright.PENANAAQqEo5s9Zr
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看似簡單、簡短的短篇故事,卻帶出了平行時空、自我救贖的意味。461Please respect copyright.PENANA1Pek89U8bk
哪怕最後主角回到踢石頭的剎那,哪怕他沒能改變到甚麼,但內心大概也因為救了另一個平行時空的自己而感到欣慰吧。461Please respect copyright.PENANAxdqnj0qMYS
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穿越時空拯救另一個自己的夢想的故事寫得真摯,也道出了作者對寫作的喜愛,令人欣喜。461Please respect copyright.PENANACm3Tj3v5VZ
不過缺點是情節起伏不夠大,而且筆觸和主角一樣有點嘮叨(笑)。8964 copyright protection457PENANAo933Un4Iaz 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANABogpi61KZ5 維尼
自己救贖自己其實是個老套卻容易寫的點子。461Please respect copyright.PENANAb94fhFDEpX
或許作者收到字數限制,許多場景快速帶過,結果導致缺少了角色應有的反應,而讓讀者覺得出戲。461Please respect copyright.PENANApzsivJTujp
在這字數與這題材裏,或許建議頭尾詳細寫,中間蒙太奇帶過,或許會好一點。8964 copyright protection457PENANAwqAeVc36vm 維尼
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到底這個作品會得到怎樣的結果呢?461Please respect copyright.PENANAw8w1rLwaVa
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我們來囉8964 copyright protection457PENANA4mXMxSb0CA 維尼
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只有7個461Please respect copyright.PENANAyGBB55hZ17
太少了喇8964 copyright protection457PENANAK0FhkZh5KH 維尼
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沒辦法,現實就是殘酷的😢8964 copyright protection457PENANAD21jCUrGzw 維尼
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墨烙要加油哦~還有復活賽的機會呢!8964 copyright protection457PENANAGropaBNdvd 維尼
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他是日勻8964 copyright protection457PENANAhOATEPzIuW 維尼
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他的故事8964 copyright protection457PENANAfmx6S0pwbV 維尼
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他洗版8964 copyright protection457PENANAjDbKkGXX8n 維尼
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……8964 copyright protection457PENANAaXtDkB7pmE 維尼
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不行喇,都禁就圈叉不了ww8964 copyright protection457PENANAdyhxsCO28U 維尼
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Nooo461Please respect copyright.PENANAf9p3PxA2ko
要禁也請讓我說一句話461Please respect copyright.PENANArzlI7s1bU3
我錯461Please respect copyright.PENANAwsM4xdxkwY
我自摑8964 copyright protection457PENANA9fVvGnB2AT 維尼
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片呢?8964 copyright protection457PENANAnqLZwU4nQs 維尼
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QAQ461Please respect copyright.PENANAufbYjRimXw
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摑了8964 copyright protection457PENANAv9lThpKwGq 維尼
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是次比賽中少見的古風小説,文筆縱帶點青澀但已見古意,情感方面仍需琢磨,但不失為一部處女佳作。8964 copyright protection457PENANANfio0Aydjf 維尼
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處女作而言已算不錯,加油!8964 copyright protection457PENANAJ7qI1bBJjJ 維尼
古風掌握得到位,雖然劇情方面稍微薄弱,但文筆秀麗同整個武俠感的塑造十分成功,讓整體瑕不掩瑜,值得一讚。461Please respect copyright.PENANAzr1o4sQIjG
劇情方面有少少以倒敘與插敘的方式寫郡主與師叔的感情。461Please respect copyright.PENANAc3rwOuueNp
這樣的手法雖無不可,但建議可以從多一點的角度去描寫,從不同人的視覺豐富兩個角色。461Please respect copyright.PENANAV5yK1C0XVL
而師徒戀在宋朝絕對是禁忌,這點也可以透過劇情發揮多點。8964 copyright protection457PENANAZnIVZjLiIE 維尼
最後一句,加入我隊伍啦!歡迎你!8964 copyright protection457PENANAvUf3z6c4yg 維尼
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咳咳咳現在就開始搶人了……8964 copyright protection457PENANAxI2GoT4qm5 維尼
很不錯的武俠小說參賽作品,要在短短篇幅撰寫出武俠及江湖是一件相當困難的事情。但筆者還是做了,而且相當成功。461Please respect copyright.PENANA9Nv4Ommbw3
最出色還是當中的文筆相當成熟,用詞遣字非常出色。461Please respect copyright.PENANAbNUpXOmcW3
只要在劇情那邊多補回一些不足,將會是相當有潛力的。461Please respect copyright.PENANAduCq0HBtMd
期待你之後的表現。8964 copyright protection457PENANAAlKfJPHetH 維尼
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這古風、這武俠的作品……8964 copyright protection457PENANAhHjj226pH1 維尼
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滿滿的東南氣息8964 copyright protection457PENANARHURh83PIe 維尼
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對啊,相信至少也會有一個圈吧?461Please respect copyright.PENANABqAx09fVBr
我們一起來看看囉~461Please respect copyright.PENANA2TVYx3qUna
準備好了嗎?8964 copyright protection457PENANAGXJoOQKGuz 維尼
3461Please respect copyright.PENANALxEg3ZfaPU
2461Please respect copyright.PENANACPEsgtK0I5
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呼……(拍胸8964 copyright protection457PENANA2MjN2pHA1M 維尼
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終於不是3叉,或是3叉加一拳ww8964 copyright protection457PENANAnPde8iFMZf 維尼
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超矛8964 copyright protection457PENANA9envFwkIUB 維尼
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呵呵呵8964 copyright protection457PENANAcIjPDhRBny 維尼
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恐怖的女人8964 copyright protection457PENANA0banmgv1zw 維尼
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好了www8964 copyright protection457PENANAj55bROJk0x 維尼
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恭喜8964 copyright protection457PENANAkHS0jK3bhZ 維尼
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恭喜日勻進入候選區哦8964 copyright protection457PENANAttidvZmw4m 維尼
下一位呢?461Please respect copyright.PENANAGaxFGQ6xiB
哦,他到了。461Please respect copyright.PENANA6Vx962jQ4J
他是1號參賽者香淚月8964 copyright protection457PENANAdop4PVVnvl 維尼
461Please respect copyright.PENANAx7gR2rTFvv
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一夜十年8964 copyright protection457PENANApzjqYKXPP4 維尼
461Please respect copyright.PENANA3sum1KY9ny
8964 copyright protection457PENANA4JAXmDg1IP 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection457PENANAFDOtofELVO 維尼
文筆不俗,但要注意下故事編排與節奏。461Please respect copyright.PENANARSUwYYgMxS
當中父親死因屬於高潮位,雖然情緒是做到出來了,但也無可奈何,變成「噢是這樣嗎?只能這樣了」的感覺。461Please respect copyright.PENANArUR9cZXZp3
當然這種是最「真實」的,但作為說故事而言,或許前段的鋪排多點說父親身體如何壯健,從來沒有病,到中段主角懷疑父親是有暗病,自顧自憐埋怨不幸,到最後才發現真相,讓她決心離去。461Please respect copyright.PENANAJBHyXfLjJq
有了這樣的起承轉合,讀者才會比較容易代入你筆下角色的心路歷程。8964 copyright protection457PENANAOTz7VXipNb 維尼
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同意文筆的部分,但作者確實在編排與節奏方面有待改進。親情的互動頗感人和細膩,可惜開首鋪墊不足,末段又結束得太快。461Please respect copyright.PENANAie88cl2bE5
由於作者只寫了三千多字,而且是第一個交稿的,應該還很有發展的空間。461Please respect copyright.PENANAlCysFYxdKW
文筆不錯,不過也許受題目影響,文中多次出現「十年」二字,就顯得有點刻意貼題了。8964 copyright protection457PENANA4q9sIiqM5t 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection457PENANAWgcExMIzTf 維尼
文筆方面兩位都交帶得差不多。461Please respect copyright.PENANAOLsgtDs0wh
故事作品的描寫代表作者對世界、社會的想法,但奈何故事性有所欠缺。461Please respect copyright.PENANAddCFYP77Sw
比起小說,更傾向散文。461Please respect copyright.PENANAlFaUZupsh3
宜加強橋段的構思,仔細反思故事橋段並從中表達自己想要表達的意思,或有奇效。8964 copyright protection457PENANApwp4XsCwBj 維尼
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行文用字,可以打動三位嗎?461Please respect copyright.PENANABVywqAfTkB
三位準備好了吧?461Please respect copyright.PENANADX8vu34fck
一起來!8964 copyright protection457PENANArV9DJM1z2D 維尼
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可惜了……8964 copyright protection457PENANAyLbVaZJzko 維尼
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嗯461Please respect copyright.PENANApuT9qcxanP
文筆是很秀麗的,可造之材,希望繼續努力!8964 copyright protection457PENANAgnPvWudePw 維尼
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如果交稿後能花多點時間再修飾,應該也是能一爭的喇8964 copyright protection457PENANA4zrBpIkl4z 維尼
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別氣餒,還有復活的機會的!8964 copyright protection457PENANAFq5Oc82EV4 維尼
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【下集預告】8964 copyright protection457PENANAXZ0ydWOUVC 維尼
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我錯了8964 copyright protection457PENANA69EwysegAG 維尼
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