x
No Plagiarism!Xrxvw656LHgBOpmOriViposted on PENANA
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANAG2vZADU6vK 維尼
廣告回來445Please respect copyright.PENANA6ErlnzieRP
再次歡迎大家收看8964 copyright protection441PENANAeMFIqbbmlT 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANA4hiNEPTkTB 維尼
Helloooooooo8964 copyright protection441PENANAIfMAnCHXgU 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANAqv33XJ26FC 維尼
廣告前,12位參賽者經過的選擇門445Please respect copyright.PENANAurDy7je06v
當中只有4位通過445Please respect copyright.PENANAhSKkfqfoBd
一位得到誠意✊✊的機會!445Please respect copyright.PENANA4Z1hGnqHVo
接下來就看看其他11位囉8964 copyright protection441PENANAP1cPud2NHn 維尼
首先第一位登場的是445Please respect copyright.PENANATvc4eqHRxa
子鶱的作品——8964 copyright protection441PENANArcaTjSmcew 維尼
445Please respect copyright.PENANAgZpuhIsagt
8964 copyright protection441PENANAa6bNxcgFTR 維尼
七十•七萬•七十億8964 copyright protection441PENANAqAyz4csFdp 維尼
445Please respect copyright.PENANA9QNpWTo3vq
8964 copyright protection441PENANAVg6ilQtUAd 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANAfYLszOq6qe 維尼
以阿美的明星夢起夢醒貫穿,故事完整,也能帶出作者想表達的意思。445Please respect copyright.PENANAB3jiXni7uE
可是,整個故事有點流水帳的感覺,角色的塑造亦不夠立體,未能使讀者代入角色的遭遇,如果能多加描述,將字數拉長至兩倍左右,應該會更感人。8964 copyright protection441PENANAIA5CMJVibS 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAfbYa8r6MuH 維尼
我一直幫本篇作品改了個花名做下一站天后,因為我覺得是個很「追明星夢」的題材,而且故事完整度頗高,所以我對本作頗為讚賞。445Please respect copyright.PENANA8xIJZPWFcu
同意紀言的觀點,就是故事有少少流水賬,編排與節奏上仍有改進空間。445Please respect copyright.PENANAze4SVkHUdU
作者把四千字全部聚焦在阿美身上,使其經歷飽滿地刻畫了出來,可惜的是阿美的塑造略嫌平板缺少深度,雖然經歷有了,心路歷程都有了,但缺少了點立體感。445Please respect copyright.PENANA6MwEfeRcci
可中段的故事也平淡了點,而且因為所有焦點都聚焦在阿美身上,其他角色就相對模糊了一點,其實還有六千字,有些位都可以盡量刻畫下,豐富一下其他角色,這樣或許會更好。8964 copyright protection441PENANADasESyVuXH 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANAxnbqgumPTl 維尼
相當不錯的故事佈局,更起了首尾呼應的效果。445Please respect copyright.PENANA9oNG1QAnJT
從女主角(阿SA!?)被紙醉金迷的世界繼而忘掉初衷,到最後重新回到起點之地,想回了那個熱愛歌唱的自己。445Please respect copyright.PENANAOOAUFuCP1V
值得提醒的是,文筆略有待改進。445Please respect copyright.PENANAHaxsCg1N4G
若行文再嚴謹一點,這篇作品足以進入前十之列。8964 copyright protection441PENANAXjgS4qv2Jd 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANA3xfBaxdAGf 維尼
三位都已經給出了意見了445Please respect copyright.PENANA8XOoDGSexa
到底這篇下一站天后會得到多少⭕️呢?445Please respect copyright.PENANAfQlqjYhOuE
準備好了嗎?8964 copyright protection441PENANAyHXUjrGKW4 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAmxuPvgmSlB 維尼
ok8964 copyright protection441PENANAf0eldwcdA1 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANAT3xjWoFGMC 維尼
我們來8964 copyright protection441PENANAGSoKdChRZA 維尼
3445Please respect copyright.PENANA7zviXPbKka
2445Please respect copyright.PENANAiv3lrpEMh0
18964 copyright protection441PENANAjkgRZ4KGlq 維尼
8964 copyright protection441PENANA0EMr4Gw8mB 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAykkhmJ5j1Z 維尼
對不起QAQ8964 copyright protection441PENANAFLpc6NoLZd 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANAvZixbOdRpS 維尼
……445Please respect copyright.PENANAxJgRcXQh1Z
又是可怕的三叉!445Please respect copyright.PENANAZxHqLN2tgE
三位有甚麼想安慰一下的嗎?8964 copyright protection441PENANAW8erICsdK6 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAsFjK01ZzuB 維尼
QAQ8964 copyright protection441PENANAFR7mfENf17 維尼
我覺得........................445Please respect copyright.PENANAfjqZD6NKlM
(細聲說)是圈太少了..8964 copyright protection441PENANAoLJMAcXJng 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANABwgjKSQv69 維尼
不錯的作品,奈何對手強勁8964 copyright protection441PENANA8MZMZxjX2x 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANAPxJMIWOkwW 維尼
期待復活賽再見8964 copyright protection441PENANAErO9lubo2f 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANA8pe6nSv8B5 維尼
嗯,評語上面都說得差不多了。445Please respect copyright.PENANA5nEIz2ntsj
其實可以從中見到作者的潛力的。不要灰心,復活賽再見!8964 copyright protection441PENANAeHLeCBsujt 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANAEUXu1zQEZP 維尼
子鶱,聽到了嗎?要加油哦!8964 copyright protection441PENANAk1OeG4pMJb 維尼
好的。445Please respect copyright.PENANAZuFqrtLUwX
接下來上場的參賽者是……445Please respect copyright.PENANAae3e3Il4y4
migt的作品——8964 copyright protection441PENANAVOVhcyhF49 維尼
445Please respect copyright.PENANADj1lO6axeW
8964 copyright protection441PENANArTGBwkd6LS 維尼
十年回魂8964 copyright protection441PENANAcD427VFFBy 維尼
445Please respect copyright.PENANAB3JnxGNwAk
8964 copyright protection441PENANA9mSSFIzVOP 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAIX4p0dZ84A 維尼
氣氛營造得相當不錯,真的會讓人覺得毛毛的感覺。445Please respect copyright.PENANAkJZjaQ4wCw
只可惜的是沒有故事,就變成單純作者氣氛把控的show。445Please respect copyright.PENANAfkGKLyAWDZ
哎喲其實還有六千字左右,不妨把它完成了嘛。445Please respect copyright.PENANAqfzXKplSeo
現在太過意猶未盡,未必是件好事哦。8964 copyright protection441PENANATpkvDj5xXY 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANAvcuLaGbYBv 維尼
東南很怕鬼故的……(奸笑)445Please respect copyright.PENANAiynwqSXlFp
不過也認同恐怖氣氛營造得不俗喇,但是日記形式的解謎會使讀者的投入感減低,最後的高潮位如能將懸疑感再推上一層相信會更佳。8964 copyright protection441PENANAb8tYNsByTD 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANAjIPRuvKyqz 維尼
一開始看下去,氣氛等等都營造得相當不錯,令我心生期待。445Please respect copyright.PENANAbC4RtkGQsz
算是不錯的驚慄故事,也相當切題。只是建議在故事中對於主人公再多一點的描寫,若是太過於執著劇情、驚慄的故事而忽略了對主角的描寫,讀者難以替主角感到緊張繼而代入。445Please respect copyright.PENANAuVI2PVyYFZ
再恐怖一點,恐怕東南就不敢看了嘿嘿。8964 copyright protection441PENANAaMZK0PNT0u 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANA3Cpv3saSkZ 維尼
這部讓人毛毛的作品445Please respect copyright.PENANA3BZtaHbtcT
到底又逃不逃得過三叉的下場呢?445Please respect copyright.PENANAS0malfYmjz
準備好了吧?445Please respect copyright.PENANAdqwAIV9Lay
一起來8964 copyright protection441PENANAxlPKFBLIVL 維尼
3445Please respect copyright.PENANArKwTLhChQs
2445Please respect copyright.PENANAiIpN2ItYCI
18964 copyright protection441PENANAF5nEGHJzHQ 維尼
8964 copyright protection441PENANA0BvibuBust 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANA2l9hE2IMrp 維尼
可惡!8964 copyright protection441PENANA2OlilswBfZ 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANAZJJxV8qqkm 維尼
有點可惜~445Please respect copyright.PENANAzkdg1cuBw8
他的懸疑感很夠445Please respect copyright.PENANAfS6WANSFAK
只是劇情上稍有欠缺8964 copyright protection441PENANAWjvBp8BmY4 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAIwBd0MGmj6 維尼
評語上面也說清楚了。445Please respect copyright.PENANAUMqMNIjaTW
其實我覺得作者營造氣氛真的做得很好,奈何劇情上面確實差了點。445Please respect copyright.PENANAZ7M3t8mACj
希望繼續努力!復活賽再來一篇鬼故!衝啊!8964 copyright protection441PENANAWuef8hlUOL 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANAuGAmgE3nJK 維尼
若在故事劇情及人物多著墨,會是競爭前十的強力人選8964 copyright protection441PENANASW8Yjie2IR 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANAGWNjrwTRu7 維尼
期待復活戰讓東南嚇得不敢看!8964 copyright protection441PENANAcI6SMSYFzb 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANAJmUjqmZJtj 維尼
希望migt 能從評審們的建議中有所得益哦!445Please respect copyright.PENANA6bsV4dFCT9
然後重點是要嚇倒東南ww8964 copyright protection441PENANAoKoDh2VLRM 維尼
好了445Please respect copyright.PENANAW7NyPkgHCp
下一位參賽者又準備好上場囉445Please respect copyright.PENANAvKpSVMFDvP
他是御林君,作品——8964 copyright protection441PENANAynRXygKDQJ 維尼
445Please respect copyright.PENANAf4fS08vO5x
8964 copyright protection441PENANALvWKbMSbpq 維尼
花開花落終有時,相逢相聚本無意8964 copyright protection441PENANAxUwynb7VVQ 維尼
445Please respect copyright.PENANAceS7yOasso
8964 copyright protection441PENANAmw4vgTxmO9 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAeTmz8T8oEQ 維尼
文筆不俗,可惜的是故事過於平鋪直敘,而且盡量避免用對白推進故事,太多對白的話容易減低讀者看下去的意欲。8964 copyright protection441PENANA1kiUPjg85I 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANA8ygSJFsldX 維尼
見到作者努力建立自己的行文風格,不過現時仍稍見沙石,相信假以時日會更精進。445Please respect copyright.PENANAxpzsKdThxe
兩位主角的對比鮮明,如果劇情上能多加轉折應該會更佳。8964 copyright protection441PENANAU6lFgJTmqo 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANAgKzT0tbzmH 維尼
同意兩位看法,繼續加油。8964 copyright protection441PENANAkMTRKwsx0b 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANAlhkJwGT7zw 維尼
聽起來好像有點不太樂觀呢……8964 copyright protection441PENANAOkauhY7zYW 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANAeRRzbLhWPk 維尼
沒事沒事…8964 copyright protection441PENANAKrEOJUAWPN 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANAy7ZMypJ3dJ 維尼
不過沒關係445Please respect copyright.PENANAJxIASrsW8s
御林君,我們一起來迎接結果吧!445Please respect copyright.PENANAcyr19FlUIC
準備好了吧?8964 copyright protection441PENANA9XogbuIiHR 維尼
3445Please respect copyright.PENANArKHHsdgvYP
2445Please respect copyright.PENANA6SrMwvRmrO
18964 copyright protection441PENANAeEoDzQXUro 維尼
8964 copyright protection441PENANAYDjL689xMw 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANAOR2OqI2vZF 維尼
可惜了,謝謝御林君的參賽。445Please respect copyright.PENANA8xbq2LYH73
別忘了我們還有復活賽哦8964 copyright protection441PENANAhtfVxQODFj 維尼
可怕的三叉已經出現了三次445Please respect copyright.PENANAht6LjRf3LJ
到底接下來的這位參賽者可以打破這局面了嗎?445Please respect copyright.PENANAnwb5WQT6Or
接下來的是……445Please respect copyright.PENANAskcRxghtr6
文楓!8964 copyright protection441PENANAtEq59cQ7oo 維尼
445Please respect copyright.PENANAEpdZDzh5EF
8964 copyright protection441PENANAU6ze0TK26i 維尼
星光,燭光和火光8964 copyright protection441PENANAihqElIgMmc 維尼
445Please respect copyright.PENANAtgwAW8Ul3Y
8964 copyright protection441PENANASu0dEEKTBt 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANA0nCqJGk0Yk 維尼
頗具完成度的西方奇幻小說。445Please respect copyright.PENANA4riEJsDnj2
開首的佈局讓我非常期待接下來的發展,可惜尾段有點趕,以致看上去有點虎頭蛇尾的感覺。445Please respect copyright.PENANAcupf5y1mUS
故事去到中間時,十年後必須兩個死一個,其實是一個不錯的切入點,女巫與養女之間,對於這點其實可以寫多一點劇情。445Please respect copyright.PENANATG4260m4ve
我不知道是因為時間太趕,還是作者有意為之,如今的收尾就顯得有點可惜了。8964 copyright protection441PENANAytHYBcex4z 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANA2dLMN6rnNc 維尼
嘛,為了趕死線而草草收尾的事,大家也經歷過啊~以前大半部分來說,我還是很看好的。445Please respect copyright.PENANA5Ei2CTqTZq
獵巫的世界觀完整,故事感情細膩動人。445Please respect copyright.PENANARLik7lwYOF
略嫌可惜的是結尾收得有點草率,沒有全部呼應前面的伏筆。8964 copyright protection441PENANADwfEb7xS0M 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANA4TARKMqTYh 維尼
很難說的一部參賽作品。445Please respect copyright.PENANALAUVMLmJym
前中段表現出色,但到後段直線下降,令心生強烈反差感。445Please respect copyright.PENANAz84qKtH2Mf
以獵巫為背景,不論是女巫、惡魔及人類孩子的佈局也是相當有趣。445Please respect copyright.PENANAFtK4O8mzzn
只是結局有種草草了事的感覺,並沒能把前中段鋪墊良久的情感進行爆發,有點可惜。445Please respect copyright.PENANApdicCHLBVC
宏觀整部作品仍屬不錯的作品,很期待你的進步及完整的故事作品。8964 copyright protection441PENANAH7F6Oi15Jr 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANA9euraWDXRb 維尼
這部西方奇幻的作品445Please respect copyright.PENANAHhXPr8Yw6C
可以得到評審們的青睞嗎?8964 copyright protection441PENANAnmmSPm6RaB 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANAwsAtK2HD4m 維尼
嗯……445Please respect copyright.PENANAQqtDp1kHiT
這個需要慎重考慮(認真8964 copyright protection441PENANAd4qbS4HGdM 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAJllDSqoxXM 維尼
= =|||445Please respect copyright.PENANA0FZRTsURbt
唉445Please respect copyright.PENANAXDF7gYRwTO
這個真有點糾結8964 copyright protection441PENANAXzzrGVki1C 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANAWsET5XenJM 維尼
嘛⋯⋯8964 copyright protection441PENANA8dCQIO2eYz 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANATTd4OBy8UV 維尼
三位還需要點時間嗎?8964 copyright protection441PENANApk4Pvy7G3n 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAvTypdHZWbe 維尼
但按實力而言應該沒問題的445Please respect copyright.PENANAeknFHBU4wm
來吧445Please respect copyright.PENANAZZjEQM4zVm
要來終究要來8964 copyright protection441PENANAHJa78qL3ov 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANAGkOrMewE6m 維尼
來!8964 copyright protection441PENANAON5KHVvu3B 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANAI6CX8hEIcX 維尼
來囉8964 copyright protection441PENANAgowsun2tWk 維尼
3445Please respect copyright.PENANAPOXT3Xj3Ty
2445Please respect copyright.PENANAfkGJMzqM8x
18964 copyright protection441PENANAMGqKt0QdAx 維尼
8964 copyright protection441PENANAaX0DzZMNNG 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAl3TkpRhjQP 維尼
.......................8964 copyright protection441PENANAt5znl2KBOi 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANAGoQ4KkDTY1 維尼
……8964 copyright protection441PENANARrElA4OcO4 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANABy0C0pwLA7 維尼
Nani445Please respect copyright.PENANAPDvXvYLTzA
⋯⋯⋯⋯8964 copyright protection441PENANAcazN9crQa4 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAZJDJD7zmbC 維尼
啊?你們怎麼不給圈?445Please respect copyright.PENANAN70UALZG3J
癡線8964 copyright protection441PENANAIxBdXXpezR 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANA7xZma3fNjS 維尼
你們不是給圈嗎?8964 copyright protection441PENANAhjGjrK7V5h 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANAwDwoRaSlMK 維尼
可惜了……8964 copyright protection441PENANAjyonrsottT 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANAAt0kyNDv0Y 維尼
我還以為⋯⋯445Please respect copyright.PENANAYQF6MQLzjN
慢著慢著8964 copyright protection441PENANAEYKdSCgzJV 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAmWgiocPHKS 維尼
喂喂喂8964 copyright protection441PENANAr28EY2Q2hy 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANAWGnGnrqLhD 維尼
我沒有足夠的圈啦8964 copyright protection441PENANAAuy2tWMf19 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAouzhHTVuzZ 維尼
............445Please respect copyright.PENANATjHgw7w21B
哎呀........445Please respect copyright.PENANA5FC2pm5ugh
我以為你們兩個圈我就省下一個8964 copyright protection441PENANAWyonJbQujm 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection441PENANALbJqGvKV4X 維尼
這賽果445Please respect copyright.PENANAbvK4jKI94v
讓人太震驚了8964 copyright protection441PENANAL153g94O59 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANAeSMLDT6Grx 維尼
先別到下一篇8964 copyright protection441PENANAafJH4lUjaG 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAwaGCg6dJjt 維尼
!!!!445Please respect copyright.PENANAb7QVK9rcFe
紀師父!?8964 copyright protection441PENANA0XHJ4BLm3L 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANAL5ycU5Bfhm 維尼
8964 copyright protection441PENANAxtocd3irUD 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANAQoekuqKzZW 維尼
!!!!!!!!445Please respect copyright.PENANALxtKiuRBxz
把他給我救回來8964 copyright protection441PENANADP16ZiQMrD 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAE5rtvGPuB2 維尼
癡線445Please respect copyright.PENANAkla2Ms65Di
有沒有那麼帥氣8964 copyright protection441PENANABSNNGp4ARd 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANAXLglr4ou3v 維尼
竟然445Please respect copyright.PENANAdd0TBwLL9i
是傳說中的拳法8964 copyright protection441PENANAc9vFDMgXyB 維尼
但你明明給❌445Please respect copyright.PENANAAOTjd0j1BU
……8964 copyright protection441PENANAZA7lGwqZzd 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection441PENANAVStabspUoE 維尼
暴力救市8964 copyright protection441PENANAOflYOP9mhL 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAQlKXgnG5uL 維尼
自己給❌然後自己給誠意拳拳445Please respect copyright.PENANAPPj99X67uM
女人很恐怖8964 copyright protection441PENANACMEoBLKYeB 維尼
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楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANANRoCJNVCly 維尼
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起哄了8964 copyright protection441PENANAKWwqhcZUFm 維尼
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anyway這樣我覺得ok的,不然太可惜了。8964 copyright protection441PENANAvrJUDtyORL 維尼
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這篇實在不應該落選的8964 copyright protection441PENANAKBsq2lH0vz 維尼
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好的,文楓獲得了紀言的「誠意✊✊」445Please respect copyright.PENANAp2DpwIlmOo
直接加入紀言的邀請進隊名單8964 copyright protection441PENANAX3zg997sbf 維尼
也就是說,唯一一次的「誠意✊✊」只剩楓成還沒有用哦8964 copyright protection441PENANAF8zQ8wxlEY 維尼
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445Please respect copyright.PENANAiNGJGXIAjQ
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我8964 copyright protection441PENANAJBrULDnB2g 維尼
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楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANAlyZ3nqYZfF 維尼
看似簡單、簡短的短篇故事,卻帶出了平行時空、自我救贖的意味。445Please respect copyright.PENANAQxru3KCxDa
哪怕最後主角回到踢石頭的剎那,哪怕他沒能改變到甚麼,但內心大概也因為救了另一個平行時空的自己而感到欣慰吧。445Please respect copyright.PENANAphfzCLy8aJ
相當不錯的作品。8964 copyright protection441PENANAX6wTUXLz1Q 維尼
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不過缺點是情節起伏不夠大,而且筆觸和主角一樣有點嘮叨(笑)。8964 copyright protection441PENANANH8B8YzVHF 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAGTTqhXvOPv 維尼
自己救贖自己其實是個老套卻容易寫的點子。445Please respect copyright.PENANAzyYiNQqiz1
或許作者收到字數限制,許多場景快速帶過,結果導致缺少了角色應有的反應,而讓讀者覺得出戲。445Please respect copyright.PENANAkt4oiAqeqx
在這字數與這題材裏,或許建議頭尾詳細寫,中間蒙太奇帶過,或許會好一點。8964 copyright protection441PENANA7avwlx4De6 維尼
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到底這個作品會得到怎樣的結果呢?445Please respect copyright.PENANA7VskoEjldn
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我們來囉8964 copyright protection441PENANAnS0jsYNqs2 維尼
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你們真的越來越手緊呢8964 copyright protection441PENANAm08K5cSKxe 維尼
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嘛⋯⋯8964 copyright protection441PENANAv8kCIcsXaZ 維尼
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三叉上癮是不是8964 copyright protection441PENANAE8wh8zKqXV 維尼
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還不是因為你8964 copyright protection441PENANAlB4xgVl2CN 維尼
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話可不能這麼說的哦!ww8964 copyright protection441PENANAjPxjSUIOrt 維尼
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太少了喇8964 copyright protection441PENANAR7TCeHY6aL 維尼
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沒辦法,現實就是殘酷的😢8964 copyright protection441PENANAyP8YOPr9hV 維尼
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QAQ8964 copyright protection441PENANAbpyIrV3nU9 維尼
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墨烙要加油哦~還有復活賽的機會呢!8964 copyright protection441PENANAjZGiWlUPxj 維尼
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他是日勻8964 copyright protection441PENANAo8JZr3PxCE 維尼
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他的故事8964 copyright protection441PENANA1bm5DbPY5o 維尼
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!445Please respect copyright.PENANAhl75imru0u
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板主!8964 copyright protection441PENANA1Njh7blQ4Q 維尼
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你來洗版的嗎8964 copyright protection441PENANALrDuH7Qb1G 維尼
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他洗版8964 copyright protection441PENANA3MOP1uJ2ZO 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANAlPVHtiZaqM 維尼
……8964 copyright protection441PENANAXdXVfqmMfg 維尼
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不要8964 copyright protection441PENANArBQEsHEbYr 維尼
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禁!8964 copyright protection441PENANAvSFal2QWSy 維尼
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千萬不要8964 copyright protection441PENANARsZ5oUsgNE 維尼
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都禁!8964 copyright protection441PENANAbSiP0YqpCP 維尼
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不行喇,都禁就圈叉不了ww8964 copyright protection441PENANATjl2eTeY5Y 維尼
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Nooo445Please respect copyright.PENANAaVAFODZHya
要禁也請讓我說一句話445Please respect copyright.PENANAKQF6KdhH57
我錯445Please respect copyright.PENANAdmbLtuijFm
我自摑8964 copyright protection441PENANAwhHqD5bbZx 維尼
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片呢?8964 copyright protection441PENANADUkIv1HZ6t 維尼
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附上自摑片段可以解封8964 copyright protection441PENANAgV96T7xF8s 維尼
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QAQ445Please respect copyright.PENANAzsmVqhbEOQ
🖐🏻445Please respect copyright.PENANA3a00e7SZIn
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摑了8964 copyright protection441PENANAQ9S2Zfi1nb 維尼
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是次比賽中少見的古風小説,文筆縱帶點青澀但已見古意,情感方面仍需琢磨,但不失為一部處女佳作。8964 copyright protection441PENANAOzDrhJeBnj 維尼
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處女作而言已算不錯,加油!8964 copyright protection441PENANA5NUWQyqO02 維尼
古風掌握得到位,雖然劇情方面稍微薄弱,但文筆秀麗同整個武俠感的塑造十分成功,讓整體瑕不掩瑜,值得一讚。445Please respect copyright.PENANAG6ldlHJlb1
劇情方面有少少以倒敘與插敘的方式寫郡主與師叔的感情。445Please respect copyright.PENANAcX8KmXxc1I
這樣的手法雖無不可,但建議可以從多一點的角度去描寫,從不同人的視覺豐富兩個角色。445Please respect copyright.PENANAHEPr7OjANg
而師徒戀在宋朝絕對是禁忌,這點也可以透過劇情發揮多點。8964 copyright protection441PENANABkURFJwLJV 維尼
最後一句,加入我隊伍啦!歡迎你!8964 copyright protection441PENANA6hrg4KGXus 維尼
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咳咳咳現在就開始搶人了……8964 copyright protection441PENANAbeQogaGAa6 維尼
很不錯的武俠小說參賽作品,要在短短篇幅撰寫出武俠及江湖是一件相當困難的事情。但筆者還是做了,而且相當成功。445Please respect copyright.PENANATyOTDQytMZ
最出色還是當中的文筆相當成熟,用詞遣字非常出色。445Please respect copyright.PENANAbbr490zbKi
只要在劇情那邊多補回一些不足,將會是相當有潛力的。445Please respect copyright.PENANAaG3snEcplb
期待你之後的表現。8964 copyright protection441PENANAhNZu4iz3eE 維尼
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這古風、這武俠的作品……8964 copyright protection441PENANA97Ft0OggKn 維尼
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滿滿的東南氣息8964 copyright protection441PENANAd6wpKU12e4 維尼
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對啊,相信至少也會有一個圈吧?445Please respect copyright.PENANA0ZP22rHSEG
我們一起來看看囉~445Please respect copyright.PENANAjgvU2jhcQh
準備好了嗎?8964 copyright protection441PENANAYAdvjc9qOt 維尼
3445Please respect copyright.PENANAvfzRbuX232
2445Please respect copyright.PENANAWX0y177zsE
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哦8964 copyright protection441PENANAXynbY12Kv0 維尼
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呼……(拍胸8964 copyright protection441PENANAIVUCV9mT7Q 維尼
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🤤8964 copyright protection441PENANATkvW6odi61 維尼
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終於不是3叉,或是3叉加一拳ww8964 copyright protection441PENANAoZ6I3kkG9f 維尼
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超矛8964 copyright protection441PENANAP1Nyrhlkmw 維尼
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呵呵呵8964 copyright protection441PENANAtnuRi1CGNT 維尼
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恐怖的女人8964 copyright protection441PENANAxdMvKlu73L 維尼
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好了www8964 copyright protection441PENANAA2qrYvkRK6 維尼
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恭喜8964 copyright protection441PENANAK0iI7t7pVM 維尼
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恭喜日勻進入候選區哦8964 copyright protection441PENANArOcjSyLyz2 維尼
下一位呢?445Please respect copyright.PENANA3mMhNNBXsL
哦,他到了。445Please respect copyright.PENANAwM3mehemKY
他是1號參賽者香淚月8964 copyright protection441PENANAew3QyTeP0a 維尼
445Please respect copyright.PENANATNmJjrPzcv
8964 copyright protection441PENANA9SF2glTLnD 維尼
一夜十年8964 copyright protection441PENANALz5FBunYKO 維尼
445Please respect copyright.PENANAQzF9X1CuBC
8964 copyright protection441PENANA7IqhTuoJVn 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection441PENANAZ0I2xQwCVH 維尼
文筆不俗,但要注意下故事編排與節奏。445Please respect copyright.PENANASVh3NP6Ejq
當中父親死因屬於高潮位,雖然情緒是做到出來了,但也無可奈何,變成「噢是這樣嗎?只能這樣了」的感覺。445Please respect copyright.PENANAsT93Q2084B
當然這種是最「真實」的,但作為說故事而言,或許前段的鋪排多點說父親身體如何壯健,從來沒有病,到中段主角懷疑父親是有暗病,自顧自憐埋怨不幸,到最後才發現真相,讓她決心離去。445Please respect copyright.PENANA6nIOcTHBC3
有了這樣的起承轉合,讀者才會比較容易代入你筆下角色的心路歷程。8964 copyright protection441PENANA7XimnHXevc 維尼
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同意文筆的部分,但作者確實在編排與節奏方面有待改進。親情的互動頗感人和細膩,可惜開首鋪墊不足,末段又結束得太快。445Please respect copyright.PENANAXuHUmLW8Rk
由於作者只寫了三千多字,而且是第一個交稿的,應該還很有發展的空間。445Please respect copyright.PENANAUA36Oynqnt
文筆不錯,不過也許受題目影響,文中多次出現「十年」二字,就顯得有點刻意貼題了。8964 copyright protection441PENANA4oZmJpKsOB 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection441PENANAsnbFG1RVcF 維尼
文筆方面兩位都交帶得差不多。445Please respect copyright.PENANAEIFF73PIv6
故事作品的描寫代表作者對世界、社會的想法,但奈何故事性有所欠缺。445Please respect copyright.PENANAQrQifTN8UB
比起小說,更傾向散文。445Please respect copyright.PENANAh9pTb4ZKea
宜加強橋段的構思,仔細反思故事橋段並從中表達自己想要表達的意思,或有奇效。8964 copyright protection441PENANAi0Vx7XNKtO 維尼
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行文用字,可以打動三位嗎?445Please respect copyright.PENANA9oDrXUrrv2
三位準備好了吧?445Please respect copyright.PENANA7hs9ow9H3z
一起來!8964 copyright protection441PENANACV6ngV4N70 維尼
3445Please respect copyright.PENANAKwq2nVoA50
2445Please respect copyright.PENANAZ38uGfb2E8
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可惜了……8964 copyright protection441PENANA98xPX8Wvs4 維尼
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嗯445Please respect copyright.PENANAwKrGpNsjcl
文筆是很秀麗的,可造之材,希望繼續努力!8964 copyright protection441PENANAZoSKQyCvAV 維尼
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如果交稿後能花多點時間再修飾,應該也是能一爭的喇8964 copyright protection441PENANAPBRjSJvct5 維尼
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別氣餒,還有復活的機會的!8964 copyright protection441PENANASyCDLJFqfN 維尼
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繼續加油8964 copyright protection441PENANAOZE65qJkLk 維尼
【下集預告】8964 copyright protection441PENANAnpqEIib0QF 維尼
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我錯了8964 copyright protection441PENANA2cEpOMbYDD 維尼
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