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No Plagiarism!HSACIqtT7Ex1o1APhXBdposted on PENANA
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANAy1wiceR2Kn 維尼
廣告回來452Please respect copyright.PENANA0Jpo1Q5nJQ
再次歡迎大家收看8964 copyright protection448PENANAmSpFDj2BhE 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANACukcEOx0AA 維尼
Helloooooooo8964 copyright protection448PENANAAapABwijuL 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANA94B2jCtG9A 維尼
廣告前,12位參賽者經過的選擇門452Please respect copyright.PENANABYCJtvaBFD
當中只有4位通過452Please respect copyright.PENANAjOAFi6ncFV
一位得到誠意✊✊的機會!452Please respect copyright.PENANAhr2ASpWZJw
接下來就看看其他11位囉8964 copyright protection448PENANAjltG3kYxf2 維尼
首先第一位登場的是452Please respect copyright.PENANApCblUUdLet
子鶱的作品——8964 copyright protection448PENANAUaBmnzbqQZ 維尼
452Please respect copyright.PENANAhootIY6lrB
8964 copyright protection448PENANAmzjaTNrJm8 維尼
七十•七萬•七十億8964 copyright protection448PENANAkMmdp83Xo0 維尼
452Please respect copyright.PENANAe98UN6WVfU
8964 copyright protection448PENANAeyfcznS51T 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANADb8M4CTJUy 維尼
以阿美的明星夢起夢醒貫穿,故事完整,也能帶出作者想表達的意思。452Please respect copyright.PENANADUQ6HfGiks
可是,整個故事有點流水帳的感覺,角色的塑造亦不夠立體,未能使讀者代入角色的遭遇,如果能多加描述,將字數拉長至兩倍左右,應該會更感人。8964 copyright protection448PENANADQhJxBxQFJ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAP6bfiG8mMe 維尼
我一直幫本篇作品改了個花名做下一站天后,因為我覺得是個很「追明星夢」的題材,而且故事完整度頗高,所以我對本作頗為讚賞。452Please respect copyright.PENANAqmXYpmbTki
同意紀言的觀點,就是故事有少少流水賬,編排與節奏上仍有改進空間。452Please respect copyright.PENANAETMMnx48ad
作者把四千字全部聚焦在阿美身上,使其經歷飽滿地刻畫了出來,可惜的是阿美的塑造略嫌平板缺少深度,雖然經歷有了,心路歷程都有了,但缺少了點立體感。452Please respect copyright.PENANAxV01hWZhqO
可中段的故事也平淡了點,而且因為所有焦點都聚焦在阿美身上,其他角色就相對模糊了一點,其實還有六千字,有些位都可以盡量刻畫下,豐富一下其他角色,這樣或許會更好。8964 copyright protection448PENANAxWF9p9STdV 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection448PENANAEB85lb31hH 維尼
相當不錯的故事佈局,更起了首尾呼應的效果。452Please respect copyright.PENANANXxYWPWLIg
從女主角(阿SA!?)被紙醉金迷的世界繼而忘掉初衷,到最後重新回到起點之地,想回了那個熱愛歌唱的自己。452Please respect copyright.PENANASBDwPld2nl
值得提醒的是,文筆略有待改進。452Please respect copyright.PENANAnknIu4Ah7O
若行文再嚴謹一點,這篇作品足以進入前十之列。8964 copyright protection448PENANAUlHhalCp1Z 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANA1YqYZlHAEM 維尼
三位都已經給出了意見了452Please respect copyright.PENANAJbKWpxufLY
到底這篇下一站天后會得到多少⭕️呢?452Please respect copyright.PENANAhcAchSP2eO
準備好了嗎?8964 copyright protection448PENANAeoOwxMio4h 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAybVKO1634k 維尼
ok8964 copyright protection448PENANAqFIrmkbnbQ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANAe7NYDTmA8T 維尼
我們來8964 copyright protection448PENANAtlKKU5ei0s 維尼
3452Please respect copyright.PENANAIgeaUZQugE
2452Please respect copyright.PENANABaEE62fNat
18964 copyright protection448PENANAxNAIU5qsoO 維尼
8964 copyright protection448PENANAo5pu5CqtuE 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAoNLa6Tf7xw 維尼
對不起QAQ8964 copyright protection448PENANAF0M2g48Hd2 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANAkp1f6ancxp 維尼
……452Please respect copyright.PENANADoJYcY2G7K
又是可怕的三叉!452Please respect copyright.PENANAT0AHLlbVI3
三位有甚麼想安慰一下的嗎?8964 copyright protection448PENANAfwh0XhCxm0 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAImBiDUuzDy 維尼
QAQ8964 copyright protection448PENANAmdQtcWezoR 維尼
我覺得........................452Please respect copyright.PENANAcA66eknQF2
(細聲說)是圈太少了..8964 copyright protection448PENANAEhsebHeH9e 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection448PENANATNBMaQvCkU 維尼
不錯的作品,奈何對手強勁8964 copyright protection448PENANAklF3cYSf1l 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANAVubFohysWj 維尼
期待復活賽再見8964 copyright protection448PENANATcdgXNsPWy 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAnZ1EfUWPgf 維尼
嗯,評語上面都說得差不多了。452Please respect copyright.PENANAc3uKqCYPWr
其實可以從中見到作者的潛力的。不要灰心,復活賽再見!8964 copyright protection448PENANAS8sfOlQYMz 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANAUwNSsp5vA2 維尼
子鶱,聽到了嗎?要加油哦!8964 copyright protection448PENANAiLd8D0YTfR 維尼
好的。452Please respect copyright.PENANA8ZJs6KGdDQ
接下來上場的參賽者是……452Please respect copyright.PENANA2AdT27kATR
migt的作品——8964 copyright protection448PENANAVcRCnpdZfQ 維尼
452Please respect copyright.PENANAbU2TuPnvYT
8964 copyright protection448PENANAO6VHftms8E 維尼
十年回魂8964 copyright protection448PENANACuD7URQH7r 維尼
452Please respect copyright.PENANA7iB6Iuoe2a
8964 copyright protection448PENANAVfoReLGkZQ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAt1y9SEjUO3 維尼
氣氛營造得相當不錯,真的會讓人覺得毛毛的感覺。452Please respect copyright.PENANAg2Y0g1POGL
只可惜的是沒有故事,就變成單純作者氣氛把控的show。452Please respect copyright.PENANAMfYEA4jmA7
哎喲其實還有六千字左右,不妨把它完成了嘛。452Please respect copyright.PENANAlGyoAaM17h
現在太過意猶未盡,未必是件好事哦。8964 copyright protection448PENANA6qhiOBruTa 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANAQgNPqGNhcf 維尼
東南很怕鬼故的……(奸笑)452Please respect copyright.PENANAtYm6nHGYw3
不過也認同恐怖氣氛營造得不俗喇,但是日記形式的解謎會使讀者的投入感減低,最後的高潮位如能將懸疑感再推上一層相信會更佳。8964 copyright protection448PENANApNUcufQOMv 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection448PENANADm6NZ7GASA 維尼
一開始看下去,氣氛等等都營造得相當不錯,令我心生期待。452Please respect copyright.PENANAl4SVMTl4Z7
算是不錯的驚慄故事,也相當切題。只是建議在故事中對於主人公再多一點的描寫,若是太過於執著劇情、驚慄的故事而忽略了對主角的描寫,讀者難以替主角感到緊張繼而代入。452Please respect copyright.PENANAKO0LtvRwu9
再恐怖一點,恐怕東南就不敢看了嘿嘿。8964 copyright protection448PENANAaZMZzWiixa 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANAYOEGRMYPyx 維尼
這部讓人毛毛的作品452Please respect copyright.PENANAWzF1y1ISjP
到底又逃不逃得過三叉的下場呢?452Please respect copyright.PENANAvh8PqPNeM6
準備好了吧?452Please respect copyright.PENANAYchniYz4pf
一起來8964 copyright protection448PENANAZ1rw99nFRi 維尼
3452Please respect copyright.PENANAqEErMoGqtq
2452Please respect copyright.PENANADTWb361Tu7
18964 copyright protection448PENANAsdbYvJGyeF 維尼
8964 copyright protection448PENANAJn6DQnenek 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANAotqsNaASfP 維尼
可惡!8964 copyright protection448PENANAKQ7ErSEv4M 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANApIXWOC5tng 維尼
有點可惜~452Please respect copyright.PENANAYWNogM6PEj
他的懸疑感很夠452Please respect copyright.PENANA3jR7SFF3jp
只是劇情上稍有欠缺8964 copyright protection448PENANAhdXAQbJAwI 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANA2nch1z9dJ5 維尼
評語上面也說清楚了。452Please respect copyright.PENANAgNqrYHmrx1
其實我覺得作者營造氣氛真的做得很好,奈何劇情上面確實差了點。452Please respect copyright.PENANAIfBKTcAInf
希望繼續努力!復活賽再來一篇鬼故!衝啊!8964 copyright protection448PENANA7UqOt8nVsY 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection448PENANAhtmcc2qhYi 維尼
若在故事劇情及人物多著墨,會是競爭前十的強力人選8964 copyright protection448PENANAv5D34eLX18 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANAFM4vP1WRtm 維尼
期待復活戰讓東南嚇得不敢看!8964 copyright protection448PENANAIRjvrAYOF9 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANAT8mjVZ63er 維尼
希望migt 能從評審們的建議中有所得益哦!452Please respect copyright.PENANAhcUNoi4efE
然後重點是要嚇倒東南ww8964 copyright protection448PENANAuLKfULp8wf 維尼
好了452Please respect copyright.PENANANqQlH8aEQA
下一位參賽者又準備好上場囉452Please respect copyright.PENANAtxaL5ABvRa
他是御林君,作品——8964 copyright protection448PENANAgOgh2oR3Ic 維尼
452Please respect copyright.PENANAFiSv2PWdAj
8964 copyright protection448PENANAF6W4VP7nZT 維尼
花開花落終有時,相逢相聚本無意8964 copyright protection448PENANAdkviDUn4ma 維尼
452Please respect copyright.PENANAfHBeA3empw
8964 copyright protection448PENANAuaoQiMICd0 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAm82SwNdJkN 維尼
文筆不俗,可惜的是故事過於平鋪直敘,而且盡量避免用對白推進故事,太多對白的話容易減低讀者看下去的意欲。8964 copyright protection448PENANACnKhVOhCNH 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANAsGPW2H4spJ 維尼
見到作者努力建立自己的行文風格,不過現時仍稍見沙石,相信假以時日會更精進。452Please respect copyright.PENANAFuBPdQtMEQ
兩位主角的對比鮮明,如果劇情上能多加轉折應該會更佳。8964 copyright protection448PENANAo75Ta4KijI 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection448PENANAY4nKoF8zDc 維尼
同意兩位看法,繼續加油。8964 copyright protection448PENANAcb7ry21OOh 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANANOWbggSR9F 維尼
聽起來好像有點不太樂觀呢……8964 copyright protection448PENANAvji8K78w78 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection448PENANAtMsc4hZ0Fa 維尼
沒事沒事…8964 copyright protection448PENANAFB67sn3uvQ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANAjcF74SXcJJ 維尼
不過沒關係452Please respect copyright.PENANA7ZbaHxYjVD
御林君,我們一起來迎接結果吧!452Please respect copyright.PENANAZnN0Cp0nIa
準備好了吧?8964 copyright protection448PENANAn8cz1c89us 維尼
3452Please respect copyright.PENANASTuELzVG2E
2452Please respect copyright.PENANAcZLWXDJlXr
18964 copyright protection448PENANAdkAsubrFNx 維尼
8964 copyright protection448PENANAl0Tm7NptaN 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANA1CvOz7T2iw 維尼
可惜了,謝謝御林君的參賽。452Please respect copyright.PENANAx0UcYmqecx
別忘了我們還有復活賽哦8964 copyright protection448PENANAvWa4SRSCNW 維尼
可怕的三叉已經出現了三次452Please respect copyright.PENANALXwg9KIoZ1
到底接下來的這位參賽者可以打破這局面了嗎?452Please respect copyright.PENANAsRX7TykOfW
接下來的是……452Please respect copyright.PENANAtQ4T6phPQ3
文楓!8964 copyright protection448PENANAVilgbkOLPQ 維尼
452Please respect copyright.PENANAr68zKtRfXp
8964 copyright protection448PENANAQuXuebxE75 維尼
星光,燭光和火光8964 copyright protection448PENANAQQRk7bE4E3 維尼
452Please respect copyright.PENANAd5m8V592Q0
8964 copyright protection448PENANAsmAEF2Ex9P 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANASBU57zSDAL 維尼
頗具完成度的西方奇幻小說。452Please respect copyright.PENANAMpuCMX3NKa
開首的佈局讓我非常期待接下來的發展,可惜尾段有點趕,以致看上去有點虎頭蛇尾的感覺。452Please respect copyright.PENANAOQrZd8iEOK
故事去到中間時,十年後必須兩個死一個,其實是一個不錯的切入點,女巫與養女之間,對於這點其實可以寫多一點劇情。452Please respect copyright.PENANAD3OjGOzD11
我不知道是因為時間太趕,還是作者有意為之,如今的收尾就顯得有點可惜了。8964 copyright protection448PENANALcYOUS5A0a 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANAPgYfKGJzAH 維尼
嘛,為了趕死線而草草收尾的事,大家也經歷過啊~以前大半部分來說,我還是很看好的。452Please respect copyright.PENANATVO5y8va99
獵巫的世界觀完整,故事感情細膩動人。452Please respect copyright.PENANA0tnQbQ0rOR
略嫌可惜的是結尾收得有點草率,沒有全部呼應前面的伏筆。8964 copyright protection448PENANAETIs3FgaXG 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection448PENANATOONP4kppG 維尼
很難說的一部參賽作品。452Please respect copyright.PENANAegLu3PKGJQ
前中段表現出色,但到後段直線下降,令心生強烈反差感。452Please respect copyright.PENANAhQazwdfpdk
以獵巫為背景,不論是女巫、惡魔及人類孩子的佈局也是相當有趣。452Please respect copyright.PENANAayOYWmwxrk
只是結局有種草草了事的感覺,並沒能把前中段鋪墊良久的情感進行爆發,有點可惜。452Please respect copyright.PENANAvZnlIrf1Dq
宏觀整部作品仍屬不錯的作品,很期待你的進步及完整的故事作品。8964 copyright protection448PENANAxRqTrOPWtS 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANAthl35LLg8Q 維尼
這部西方奇幻的作品452Please respect copyright.PENANA9TW9Lx8w8J
可以得到評審們的青睞嗎?8964 copyright protection448PENANA0xPk9vhp4p 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection448PENANAWU8p6w8XsX 維尼
嗯……452Please respect copyright.PENANAu6DH6wHgYe
這個需要慎重考慮(認真8964 copyright protection448PENANAr5yhwKKI1A 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAf7LP696enh 維尼
= =|||452Please respect copyright.PENANA7x4KZifkp2
唉452Please respect copyright.PENANA1HrExlxFZH
這個真有點糾結8964 copyright protection448PENANAcr7QhRkDn3 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANA3mI93d2xDU 維尼
嘛⋯⋯8964 copyright protection448PENANAwxZrAzf0Dw 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANArB7GTclREn 維尼
三位還需要點時間嗎?8964 copyright protection448PENANAXpZDwhQUm6 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAPrsHBbORb4 維尼
但按實力而言應該沒問題的452Please respect copyright.PENANAgCRd2zRT8y
來吧452Please respect copyright.PENANAOvKdISTFRW
要來終究要來8964 copyright protection448PENANAHQDIvJLaRP 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANAU1TAirCg2Y 維尼
來!8964 copyright protection448PENANAHHuT4vFTTr 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANAnt74Z5mado 維尼
來囉8964 copyright protection448PENANADy2Fxl5D0p 維尼
3452Please respect copyright.PENANAIwqUHPhrYo
2452Please respect copyright.PENANAxAJbiCC0DX
18964 copyright protection448PENANASNIm8zyLsM 維尼
8964 copyright protection448PENANAal0XvnrTi5 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAa34YBcwZGZ 維尼
.......................8964 copyright protection448PENANA8wqKmnr9tF 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection448PENANA7XLRcXmD45 維尼
……8964 copyright protection448PENANA1wO7xmuKzl 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANA5wkGLvHfcH 維尼
Nani452Please respect copyright.PENANAEul4wvdQW2
⋯⋯⋯⋯8964 copyright protection448PENANAVVx87w3nnZ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAuqctQhDQth 維尼
啊?你們怎麼不給圈?452Please respect copyright.PENANAXLmv5hM99k
癡線8964 copyright protection448PENANAHxWEe2Ctik 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection448PENANAhuVcvtqxSI 維尼
你們不是給圈嗎?8964 copyright protection448PENANAqL97ygyS6z 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANAE3Fyktc82L 維尼
可惜了……8964 copyright protection448PENANAXNIAPAO74T 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANAblS1WKbgKi 維尼
我還以為⋯⋯452Please respect copyright.PENANAeNPisBR2Ip
慢著慢著8964 copyright protection448PENANAKF81qRKkNC 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAvNmG9xHB6B 維尼
喂喂喂8964 copyright protection448PENANAkZxKzXN9qg 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection448PENANAqyKs2QplH4 維尼
我沒有足夠的圈啦8964 copyright protection448PENANAXrd7tYncJG 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANA3sEV5A4Lw0 維尼
............452Please respect copyright.PENANA0avQvjkl77
哎呀........452Please respect copyright.PENANAnv6k73roKd
我以為你們兩個圈我就省下一個8964 copyright protection448PENANAVniMTP9ZGi 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection448PENANAXCBuIL66Ab 維尼
這賽果452Please respect copyright.PENANAjWgE7Ew5Ll
讓人太震驚了8964 copyright protection448PENANAuLJbOhO4KL 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANArG07QRsfO1 維尼
先別到下一篇8964 copyright protection448PENANAKWkf8sZl0f 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANA1jKninRhiI 維尼
!!!!452Please respect copyright.PENANA438msWBBWu
紀師父!?8964 copyright protection448PENANADvPmhhddDF 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANAyAmGRpAChr 維尼
8964 copyright protection448PENANAz7ADE1gdfx 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANAwfvfjgKNSz 維尼
!!!!!!!!452Please respect copyright.PENANAPmA4WiUgMg
把他給我救回來8964 copyright protection448PENANAlvc7QEXNqt 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAWc6CZJXDwK 維尼
癡線452Please respect copyright.PENANAzgo2EcjRHz
有沒有那麼帥氣8964 copyright protection448PENANAGzyiwXFeam 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection448PENANAg7FsUfcL6v 維尼
竟然452Please respect copyright.PENANAPFFUROQmp2
是傳說中的拳法8964 copyright protection448PENANA0BxIpr1vCS 維尼
但你明明給❌452Please respect copyright.PENANAgBzWLnSrRK
……8964 copyright protection448PENANAmYeI1qlZDp 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANAZLInkqa104 維尼
暴力救市8964 copyright protection448PENANAsz1JMqGZww 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAsRQZxvnJV5 維尼
自己給❌然後自己給誠意拳拳452Please respect copyright.PENANAT4IZqFjyy5
女人很恐怖8964 copyright protection448PENANAF7ZIDYbYT4 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection448PENANAAgB745KdiT 維尼
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好的,文楓獲得了紀言的「誠意✊✊」452Please respect copyright.PENANAiPMWQf3J0I
直接加入紀言的邀請進隊名單8964 copyright protection448PENANAGDP7g4J9M5 維尼
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可以8964 copyright protection448PENANASvDPVwXPPz 維尼
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452Please respect copyright.PENANAlbI8OQVnlU
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我8964 copyright protection448PENANAShBPCJ4fbE 維尼
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看似簡單、簡短的短篇故事,卻帶出了平行時空、自我救贖的意味。452Please respect copyright.PENANAek2JnsfOMi
哪怕最後主角回到踢石頭的剎那,哪怕他沒能改變到甚麼,但內心大概也因為救了另一個平行時空的自己而感到欣慰吧。452Please respect copyright.PENANA7RwghJpVOk
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不過缺點是情節起伏不夠大,而且筆觸和主角一樣有點嘮叨(笑)。8964 copyright protection448PENANAHvHvHItuBZ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection448PENANAosyiEHfUzz 維尼
自己救贖自己其實是個老套卻容易寫的點子。452Please respect copyright.PENANAvfbvuEQ536
或許作者收到字數限制,許多場景快速帶過,結果導致缺少了角色應有的反應,而讓讀者覺得出戲。452Please respect copyright.PENANAkwu4y1o33V
在這字數與這題材裏,或許建議頭尾詳細寫,中間蒙太奇帶過,或許會好一點。8964 copyright protection448PENANAWSyhJzDkN5 維尼
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到底這個作品會得到怎樣的結果呢?452Please respect copyright.PENANACKFuPbJsja
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我們來囉8964 copyright protection448PENANAuxskz0Oo2L 維尼
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話可不能這麼說的哦!ww8964 copyright protection448PENANA3h36yhFcBx 維尼
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沒辦法,現實就是殘酷的😢8964 copyright protection448PENANAdXgwZQl0Rv 維尼
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QAQ8964 copyright protection448PENANAF9HHSzvjxt 維尼
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他的故事8964 copyright protection448PENANAE7FsknBOGl 維尼
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他洗版8964 copyright protection448PENANAST6T4ui0TQ 維尼
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要禁也請讓我說一句話452Please respect copyright.PENANAn8jsBu5Hil
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我自摑8964 copyright protection448PENANActKUA34rRN 維尼
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片呢?8964 copyright protection448PENANATOMhc8RVtq 維尼
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附上自摑片段可以解封8964 copyright protection448PENANAiMUykQ75Hd 維尼
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摑了8964 copyright protection448PENANAqgsUGRSDXj 維尼
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是次比賽中少見的古風小説,文筆縱帶點青澀但已見古意,情感方面仍需琢磨,但不失為一部處女佳作。8964 copyright protection448PENANAEj9fuCRXJJ 維尼
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處女作而言已算不錯,加油!8964 copyright protection448PENANAnOX6OGRa7K 維尼
古風掌握得到位,雖然劇情方面稍微薄弱,但文筆秀麗同整個武俠感的塑造十分成功,讓整體瑕不掩瑜,值得一讚。452Please respect copyright.PENANAP7qXooKYjX
劇情方面有少少以倒敘與插敘的方式寫郡主與師叔的感情。452Please respect copyright.PENANAC4MhTMobSE
這樣的手法雖無不可,但建議可以從多一點的角度去描寫,從不同人的視覺豐富兩個角色。452Please respect copyright.PENANA5FL1b6qEC1
而師徒戀在宋朝絕對是禁忌,這點也可以透過劇情發揮多點。8964 copyright protection448PENANAwNEzX1V2qn 維尼
最後一句,加入我隊伍啦!歡迎你!8964 copyright protection448PENANAJHsTTqMo4u 維尼
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咳咳咳現在就開始搶人了……8964 copyright protection448PENANAg7HsJzOR72 維尼
很不錯的武俠小說參賽作品,要在短短篇幅撰寫出武俠及江湖是一件相當困難的事情。但筆者還是做了,而且相當成功。452Please respect copyright.PENANAhbLNFCqTwY
最出色還是當中的文筆相當成熟,用詞遣字非常出色。452Please respect copyright.PENANAyAwTTG7dHu
只要在劇情那邊多補回一些不足,將會是相當有潛力的。452Please respect copyright.PENANA1fohaLyQVN
期待你之後的表現。8964 copyright protection448PENANA56expNg2px 維尼
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這古風、這武俠的作品……8964 copyright protection448PENANATtEFjpUjhW 維尼
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滿滿的東南氣息8964 copyright protection448PENANAB674cyFMDN 維尼
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對啊,相信至少也會有一個圈吧?452Please respect copyright.PENANAa55FnPUQmS
我們一起來看看囉~452Please respect copyright.PENANAkqjyf6ZOI6
準備好了嗎?8964 copyright protection448PENANAk2h9wzdS2y 維尼
3452Please respect copyright.PENANAWlkRQoBmfF
2452Please respect copyright.PENANAlIZhRyF9sE
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哦8964 copyright protection448PENANAd1bOHgxzXy 維尼
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呼……(拍胸8964 copyright protection448PENANAKCI7dKEVGL 維尼
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🤤8964 copyright protection448PENANAXy1YyJQ0gF 維尼
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終於不是3叉,或是3叉加一拳ww8964 copyright protection448PENANAjAYbqwD4xp 維尼
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呵呵呵8964 copyright protection448PENANApshEG0apjU 維尼
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恐怖的女人8964 copyright protection448PENANAe8vZdoExgg 維尼
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好了www8964 copyright protection448PENANAo6z52cIixC 維尼
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恭喜8964 copyright protection448PENANAHK2p5fgdol 維尼
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恭喜日勻進入候選區哦8964 copyright protection448PENANAHFjDLjVVdj 維尼
下一位呢?452Please respect copyright.PENANAAsKPmShvjK
哦,他到了。452Please respect copyright.PENANA0kCmv7PDPT
他是1號參賽者香淚月8964 copyright protection448PENANA5jvES3zrz0 維尼
452Please respect copyright.PENANASEQfMztO1U
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一夜十年8964 copyright protection448PENANAUYtqEOn6I1 維尼
452Please respect copyright.PENANACGMT8YYERb
8964 copyright protection448PENANAawGTHj0q5e 維尼
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文筆不俗,但要注意下故事編排與節奏。452Please respect copyright.PENANAZSBOElxPtQ
當中父親死因屬於高潮位,雖然情緒是做到出來了,但也無可奈何,變成「噢是這樣嗎?只能這樣了」的感覺。452Please respect copyright.PENANAkEBqGPqAuf
當然這種是最「真實」的,但作為說故事而言,或許前段的鋪排多點說父親身體如何壯健,從來沒有病,到中段主角懷疑父親是有暗病,自顧自憐埋怨不幸,到最後才發現真相,讓她決心離去。452Please respect copyright.PENANAO2KZbMEQru
有了這樣的起承轉合,讀者才會比較容易代入你筆下角色的心路歷程。8964 copyright protection448PENANAHmys7V9tw6 維尼
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同意文筆的部分,但作者確實在編排與節奏方面有待改進。親情的互動頗感人和細膩,可惜開首鋪墊不足,末段又結束得太快。452Please respect copyright.PENANAvpOOZzHfOV
由於作者只寫了三千多字,而且是第一個交稿的,應該還很有發展的空間。452Please respect copyright.PENANAwiyH8Gcnwf
文筆不錯,不過也許受題目影響,文中多次出現「十年」二字,就顯得有點刻意貼題了。8964 copyright protection448PENANAZiPbPIPxXt 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection448PENANAaYwk97iIap 維尼
文筆方面兩位都交帶得差不多。452Please respect copyright.PENANAIJK7DeivGT
故事作品的描寫代表作者對世界、社會的想法,但奈何故事性有所欠缺。452Please respect copyright.PENANAUkw9izHBxZ
比起小說,更傾向散文。452Please respect copyright.PENANA3KgSud2GOG
宜加強橋段的構思,仔細反思故事橋段並從中表達自己想要表達的意思,或有奇效。8964 copyright protection448PENANAqB2a7PaSvN 維尼
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行文用字,可以打動三位嗎?452Please respect copyright.PENANAvQnH36RvRT
三位準備好了吧?452Please respect copyright.PENANACCwBrgG5rg
一起來!8964 copyright protection448PENANArhJ5UIKVYw 維尼
3452Please respect copyright.PENANADFLFZpNFGI
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嗯452Please respect copyright.PENANAN6Pr3LtgzD
文筆是很秀麗的,可造之材,希望繼續努力!8964 copyright protection448PENANAnFm5PbmlPO 維尼
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如果交稿後能花多點時間再修飾,應該也是能一爭的喇8964 copyright protection448PENANApgok12Qrc6 維尼
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別氣餒,還有復活的機會的!8964 copyright protection448PENANAbqWYMgLiuJ 維尼
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繼續加油8964 copyright protection448PENANAWUC7klj3rw 維尼
【下集預告】8964 copyright protection448PENANAYaCMNhM1EE 維尼
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我錯了8964 copyright protection448PENANATn1mEm6lNb 維尼
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誰這篇不給pass452Please respect copyright.PENANAFFsDpSgjn8
我就8964 copyright protection448PENANA1tDDWIS8Mj 維尼
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