I remember my first love, it was just a one-way love. He was 4 years older than I, I was just 15 years old, but when I saw him, my heartbeat recklessly started to race...I loved him with all my soul and mind. I lived with him in dreams and moments.  But I was never brave enough to express my feelings. I just waited and watched from far away. It was my love for the whole 5 years. But suddenly, on Valentine's night, I decided to give up loving him and move on from him.After 6 months, I fell in love again with the guy I didn't know who he was... I just saw that green and grey hoodie with black jeans...I didn't know anything, but I liked him, I don't know how, but yes, the eyes...The way of walking, the way of his looking... it was just one look and I felt it ...I didn't see him for next semester, and then at the beginning of the next semester, he was sitting in the first row of my class. For 5 minutes, I couldn't breathe, I was in another world... But the coronavirus epidemic ruined my opportunity to know him and be in love with him...I waited again for a long time, in the hope that he would fall in love with me and ask me to be his lover... it was a sweet dream for me, but it didn't take long.One night, I had a dream about him. In my dream, he left me to be with someone else... that morning, I decided to express my feelings..I wrote an long long text as a letter in Persian for him and expressed my feelings... and He just said: "SRY I'm in a relationship..."It was a nightmare, but He broke that ideal vision I was created from him and made it easy to move on...I was disappointed in love... I was 22 in my last year of bachelor's and without a relationship or being a lover....Last semester of my bachelor's changed my life. Something happened and Ian started to know new people and a new goal in life...And I started my first relationship, but against others, it wasn't a first-sight love.We were friends, and according to the situation we got closer and started a love, but maybe we weren't in love...But we broke up after 2 years and 6 months...And now I again feel in impossible love...But  I think it's the same story...Maybe my love story is spelled ...  and I should just accept my destiny...

I feel like loneliness will never let me go.I should adapt to it, but still—it bothers me deeply.

I ask myself: What does a girl really want?Maybe I just need a person who will love me completely—not a princess on a white horse...

I want people who will prefer me over others,people I can turn to—any time—whether I’m happy or sad.

I want someone who won’t sell me for their own benefits,someone who likes me the way I like him.

You know, everyone around me has someone they trust,someone who chooses them,but not me—as always.

When I was a child, during every fight with my parents, I was alone.I don’t have siblings,so I was always the one asking for forgiveness.I didn’t want to be alone.

In elementary school, they were my besties,but I wasn’t theirbestie.

It’s been like this ever since.Now, I’m not afraid of being alone,but loneliness still lingers.

I was in a relationship for 2 years and 7 months,and he still preferred his friends.

Now I’m in a new relationship—but maybe it’s worse.Maybe I mean nothing to him.

But every time I try to leave,I can’t.Because if I go,I really won’t have anyone.

Sometimes I wish I had siblings—like a big brother.I would support him, and he would support me.But I don’t.

In the old days, I was a stone for my cousins to rely on.I tried so hard to keep them strong through difficult paths.

But when it came to me—when it was my turn to enter adult life—I was alone.

Who am I?This question trillsthrough my mind every second of the day.For 23 years of my life, I used to be a follower—a good child to my sensitive family.

I was a husband to my mother and a son to my father—except for the duty of being a daughter to my mother.

I had forgotten my dreams. It felt like sacrificing myself just for my family.But I couldn’t continue down that path, so I decided to choose myself for the first time and try to do something for me.

I came to Germany from a faraway country to study and find myself.It’s been a year here in this beautiful city,but I feel like I’m stuck.I don’t know what I want.I’m lost and filled with anger toward everything.

I used to sacrifice my dreams, but now—though I no longer want that—I’m still drowning in it...I want to have a dream.Have a goal.Try to achieve it...But I can’t.

When I open my eyes, I don’t know what I want.I know I want to want something—but what?

In the silence of night, in the darkness,I’m alone, trying to dream,but my mind can’t seem to dream...

But I’m here,after a long journey,that I’ll write in tiny, minuscule parts...