斷斷續續,輔導員又問,平時做什麼緩解不快呢?如果傾訴無用。300Please respect copyright.PENANAOuTq74sxxf
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「跑步,不斷跑步——其實都係為咗瞓得好啲。」300Please respect copyright.PENANA1RtpZ6sjIs
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林蓁不是運動好手,相反,皮肉柔軟。只是恰恰喜歡在運動場上有起點有終點地不斷繞圈。300Please respect copyright.PENANAbotmeNsArE
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可能是不擅運動之故,跑個幾分鐘便覺得肚痛,這時,她會跑得更用力,讓痛感充斥腹部——身上下晃動,她也分不清痛的是哪兒。心臟怦怦怦怦跳,像要跌出耳朵,呼吸之間喉嚨變乾,鼻水悄悄地流。她喜歡這種身體不斷郁動的鮮活,越累越起勁,像挑戰感官極限(雖然對很多人來說只是小兒科)。她的膝頭時時破損,事關跑到無力卻仍然踏步,便跌倒;那是黑褐紅色的「肉」,與其他皮膚質感顯然不同,像賭石時臨切割出翡翠的異色。傷口等不到結痂,又被磨擦。手掌也是,摔倒時,她下意識支撐自己。300Please respect copyright.PENANA3RTJveSg69
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「都係會驚毀容嘅,哈哈哈哈。」見輔導員沒有笑,林蓁收斂:「身體好咗,feel到追巴士都無咁辛苦。」300Please respect copyright.PENANAeSTOlvcNuV
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「身體應該好攰,但係,夜晚依然瞓唔到覺?」300Please respect copyright.PENANAxFi5oiwdXw
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「係。」300Please respect copyright.PENANANhlcC0g58v
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「嗯,你失眠。呢個似乎係一件好重要嘅事。我可以轉介你去睇精神科醫生,佢會畀啲藥你食,可能,會好過你繼續跑步。」300Please respect copyright.PENANALJ1YSnrWXu
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「好。」300Please respect copyright.PENANAkaD5bg2NDh
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林蓁的目的,也只是這樣。她不是害怕腳上留疤,而是討厭那種努力行事、卻只是無用功的無力。300Please respect copyright.PENANAtWzY1iE3jM
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「你自己約?」300Please respect copyright.PENANAOOJaDX9978
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「可以。」300Please respect copyright.PENANAJeDt7aHPPy
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「記得啊!我諗睇睇佢都會有一啲改變嘅。」300Please respect copyright.PENANADG3kOLolP5
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明天下午三點半。300Please respect copyright.PENANAfim1WrSKG1
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最後,林蓁約定好時間。走出輔導中心,沒有什麼特別感受,她沒有因為坐了一個小時,而突然心情開朗,只是,更用力地呼吸室外的空氣,再狠狠排出。300Please respect copyright.PENANABcHuxloBqr
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提起跑步,林蓁便想起有好幾次追巴士。300Please respect copyright.PENANAi8YGRvdsAT
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早上出門,離遠,她剛好看見要乘的巴士正在上客,暗暗生喜不會遲到。當她剛好跑到車站,拼命不斷揚手請司機等等,卻只見車門「閘」一聲關上,然後駛遠。300Please respect copyright.PENANApflcmz5h9M
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司機分明看了她兩眼。300Please respect copyright.PENANALE1bNc0MrI
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那刻她才知道,原來盡力跑了兩分鐘,最後無法上車、只能在車站不斷喘氣的感覺,是體內無窮炎熱粒子湧上,堵塞毛孔,汗糊住一切。她死死氣退後兩步,排頭位,焦灼地等下一班車。300Please respect copyright.PENANAqj8U5j1jaV
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中午,她又轉地點,再次追巴士(不然要等多十五分鐘)。這次她追得上,上到車後,啪八達通,聽到餘額不足的咇一聲。她跟司機說等等付,司機說:「唔得,喺度畀埋先。」300Please respect copyright.PENANAFziX1xZrz6
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全車人等她一人。300Please respect copyright.PENANA2rTdA3RQ4Z
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她心中焦躁卻沒有散銀,只好快速以應用程式增值八達通。付完車錢後,走到座位去,面對別人的目光,她只想跳車。300Please respect copyright.PENANArkOFYtiqDi
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夜晚回程,她追到巴士,順利上車,放工時間人太多,十分擠逼,有人拿著電話播放影片,大大聲,不捉緊扶手便站不穩,精準地踩中她的鞋。過了一個站,有人下車,手肘撞到她臉的下頷角,一下子吃痛得叫出聲。300Please respect copyright.PENANAf5MscWejVa
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一切都是小事。300Please respect copyright.PENANAiawzUzfBpa
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只是異常脆弱的她,又被這些小確不幸打敗。如此微小的力量,加起來,比早就腳步浮浮的她重。300Please respect copyright.PENANAZzIv8ebosH
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下車後,林蓁躲到樓下的公園仔坐了很久,不知為什麼哭出來。為了追不到車、付錢甚久、被撞幾下嗎?又似乎太誇張。300Please respect copyright.PENANAnXvml24sh0
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她只是等臉色回復如常,然後走回家。300Please respect copyright.PENANApYtSAxEIIy
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翌日,林蓁去看醫生,過程及細節不贅,她和醫生交談幾句,講明目的,回答問題,講些徵症。300Please respect copyright.PENANAiuNI8o9yeT
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醫生說,她可能有Bipolar——她讀過躁鬱症,但此前,她只覺自己是鬰(畢竟,也比較常見和被引用)。300Please respect copyright.PENANA4IgsYpXulf
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平常心情低落,感覺人生無法再走下去,對萬事萬物不再好奇;身體上的反應又類近,例如沒有胃口、失眠——林蓁後來上網查:300Please respect copyright.PENANAalRYr4w63K
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躁鬱是很難發覺的。300Please respect copyright.PENANAGo32AW28qO
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「躁症」讓人情緒變得亢奮,感覺開心了,像一個好轉的開端。人不會認為開心是問題,快樂是應該,甚至是公論的人生目標之一。只是不開心和負能量才是需要解決。300Please respect copyright.PENANAxgJRFk2ITi
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加上,她會間中行動力極高,忽然超乎進度和質素地完成工作,認為自己可以跨越人生所有難關,煩惱一掃而空。300Please respect copyright.PENANAYgt5PR8aRv
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誠然,她不討厭這種亢奮狀態,實際上,如果沒有這種莫名的精神,她的生活無法如常,便會被人看出怪異。只是,「鬰期」來時,整個人突然萎縮,輕飄飄如地上的膠袋流離,無法似氣球隨風飛揚。300Please respect copyright.PENANACWrJ9ZDTmP
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反覆的躁鬰交替,是情緒上的精神分裂,一時興奮雀躍,一時心神不寧,今天對這有信心,信誓旦旦地落手,明日怯弱心悸,只想遠離。300Please respect copyright.PENANA2UlvIvgzX8
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矛盾的情緒來來回回,蠶食她做好任何事的欲望,甚至對於希望望而卻步。300Please respect copyright.PENANAdXphJHmEEX
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回想,她從討厭鬰期、喜歡躁期,到後來,討厭自己的所有情緒。300Please respect copyright.PENANAjBESgQsWP5
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醫生最後還是給她開了藥,但不止是她最初想要的安眠藥。300Please respect copyright.PENANAesFrvAnUUx
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只要能睡覺就好,她的祈願僅僅如此。300Please respect copyright.PENANA1WvZo0HF8U
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踏出醫院,她突然安心起來——哇,我真的有事!300Please respect copyright.PENANAzsLPjCXwPr
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她是有醫學根據和認可地病倒,專家也寫醫生紙、開藥方!當然,她不為病倒興奮,可是,這種尋得因果的清晰,抒緩了沒有終點的焦思——不是她「無緣無故」、「莫名其妙」、「一時軟弱」地發神經!雖然她沒有斷掉手腳、皮膚潰瘍,很難從外表看出「殘疾」,再找同類。但是現在,她被告知世上還有一些人,處於類近的情緒狀態,仍安心了一點。300Please respect copyright.PENANAfOoZAYaXpW