後來，林蓁回想舊事，喜歡Y先生時，其實已是中四。記憶再模糊，感受亦是真。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡanQYKiIsbe
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrTwmkJ6IcI
她之所以傷心，除了因為他不喜歡自己，還因為那個熱心助人的同學，竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6h2mNO5A7R
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMvTFqt8ifW
自此之後，她就沒有喜歡過男生。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxuCe1Da5gN
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BHG2grV4C
／331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtsnHLnoPA8
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ACK7yJpY9
每次感到空虛時，林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKtRSA015J
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2U3uZCjsW
以食物填滿胃，以粉底液填滿毛孔，以男人的話語填滿口腔。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTexeD6MXzq
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡioNAkj4qWm
她記得上次輔導員問，除了跑步，她還有沒有其他的方法，可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBxLPaKN3c
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIid2vJYw4T
例如，暴食。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9CqLQZPuWB
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnQPqbJKP3
時時如此，只是，她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型，讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的，韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶，唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」，才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3WABIKyMRW
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJZxJGsvUF
如果進食不健康的食物，是對身體的懲罰，那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體，折磨自己，抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNCeTnsEiU
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN3OoQZXn55
記得有一次，她留在周立沖處，聽他說很掛念A小姐。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRillFLEktv
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡObWjDgtm69
分手才兩星期，不過半個月，他若然思念，亦是正常。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCr3gwGv09
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYbqHFQfMWi
她無法感受自己的情緒，只是得體地應答。可是，隔了一會兒，她近乎哀求地問他：331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqtb929lTh7
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNbUUK4X3q
「可唔可以煮個印尼撈？」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ41jjmtTLJL
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZHrtmEaCQ
「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎，你餓？」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD5OCjaz02h
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaaMXo9VBVR
「我想食嘢。」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhqwnzztZV
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoxRc4jsbCC
「洗多札提子畀你？」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfek7mVtD6M
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN1Nx9NC5vM
「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPKQzqvCpo
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrhv65skU9h
「你今日做咩事？奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問，動身煮麵。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkztj9o8spB
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDoMxVY73B
林蓁清楚，這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsJ3VJ92se
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKgcFR55y4l
她陪在他身邊一整天，開心笑開心玩，熱鬧過後，他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到，自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容，其實不是，她啞言，佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮，還傷了自尊心。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpIlT6niojF
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf12N9UnRwm
可是他明明說她很好。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdcVHPtSj5v
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3WnFzqoHec
可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFw0iR961Kp
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyBqtv1gTH
可是他明明說她很特別。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy71qUWSoz6
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjBXoO6pqIR
陷入苦戀，心知無法繼續前進，發展出更美麗姻緣，卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的，譬如與對方的回憶，譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚，現時的快樂會飛散，認知若是過分清晰，實在無法浪漫。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwK8QHVQfDG
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQPLHR9lzr
可是在心底深處，她很想往後餘生也有他。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OSf70ZGt2
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf54gFy3DCc
因此她想要進食，彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjECaqmZFYN
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDJrNoqjG7
「好食！」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈，和周立沖歡快地聊天。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1CxUC4NT6
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOgBuah3y7
本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他，她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後，他轉而主動親吻她的臉。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM6aPOuXgSB
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWppyQDHzh
呵，這樣的二人，竟然不是親密愛侶。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ0k50gjL1o
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCRTHNMhwp
她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述，彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而，在旁人眼中，其實她並無特別的行徑，僅僅是，無緣無故便吃很多東西（而且，多數獨自躲起來吃）。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSnXzIjdPZ6
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRujtYpiqJt
不要怕我，其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGDdQquqRu
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndE8Vj8INs
「食多餐都好啦，你咁瘦。」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmeVnwJv2s
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRtNcU8Tzga
縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙，但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少，比起三年前，雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗，但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi6lFHqrGjo
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQV9yONFO4
實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡExpVM4faLD
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy9w49R27IK
一直以來，她的身型沒有太大浮動，包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDPgEkv5cv4
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5jcSt9qeK
暴食的念頭多是突然襲來，不是因為肚餓，只是覺得「想食嘢」，於是便泡個杯麵，配搭檸檬茶，隨手拾起薯片及曲奇，又吃芋圓，直至盡興。吃完後，只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多，強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉，更加難受。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBc57ywVcb
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hbuCetxDq
持續幾天，忽然又想：我唔想變肥，唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLaLuisU1J5
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDU2PiSFBFV
現代女子多少有點身材焦慮，更見於年輕一代，是否、是否。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSt2fxjG6NH
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjYM3csgQb
因此，便又連續幾天吃少少，反正沒有人管她吃什麼，一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午，亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同，但同樣是腹部位置作崇，前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入，後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKV23KkNqJ
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡprSxLFVCtw
正常飲食幾天，又循環。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcpzFCfMSSh
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfAmpBHHGzj
在周立沖處留宿，其實已改善很多，畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物，而他總叫她不要吃太少，否則沒有能量，三餐也足。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8HAVHZsYZ
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvTFtsYiQyf
最重要的是，她不想被任何人發現，自己的身心漸漸不健康起來，要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJkCZaSAwR6
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcdhfmUgvf
其實她漸漸認清，除了這些那些細碎的不幸，令她病的，還有自尊心。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhZdESCgdpf
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzpDx08CYx
握著那無人在乎的尊嚴，以孱弱身軀保護她，不想讓人知道內在殘破。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FPX1VRdQD
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0iv7zILHBY
不開心，怕被嫌棄。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNRTr6vi4Iu
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9VlRQv6Er
過往被家暴，怕兒時經歷影響自身太多，才壓抑，意圖說一切早就過去。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVoISil7CAQ
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbiDyxYt6WR
陷入痛苦的關係，怕被質疑批判。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNMB35gX5F
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ08ApmgHq9w
沒有洩漏出去的聲音，在她心頭響鬧得很，變成鋒利的刀刃，刮在脆弱的皮膚上，鮮血直流，淹沒她。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgijSqLqnP
