後來，林蓁回想舊事，喜歡Y先生時，其實已是中四。記憶再模糊，感受亦是真。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsyOhxxfxgj
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XtqZvOe91
她之所以傷心，除了因為他不喜歡自己，還因為那個熱心助人的同學，竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jMOd0KsAW
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9JmuCOy3uB
自此之後，她就沒有喜歡過男生。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQ75ME1fRq
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi5lntveQcx
／269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRqi268shra
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiy4fWy8J8j
每次感到空虛時，林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoG9sOLKmpT
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzfnCQjFake
以食物填滿胃，以粉底液填滿毛孔，以男人的話語填滿口腔。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfib6Q5biQq
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdA8OIsUae9
她記得上次輔導員問，除了跑步，她還有沒有其他的方法，可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOoErQDN099
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlGRn7x2MJ6
例如，暴食。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZVgGV7Xy6
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUxxjr6VUCM
時時如此，只是，她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型，讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的，韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶，唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」，才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZJbjqUAz1
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXrzj3df8A
如果進食不健康的食物，是對身體的懲罰，那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體，折磨自己，抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz75Lml12bp
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Jt53g8Hkr
記得有一次，她留在周立沖處，聽他說很掛念A小姐。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmDyBgUjzQ
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qcls0TnEa
分手才兩星期，不過半個月，他若然思念，亦是正常。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTmGL4CdcV
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Ce48CHIsl
她無法感受自己的情緒，只是得體地應答。可是，隔了一會兒，她近乎哀求地問他：269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYNGzm2RfC
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7sBnkys28
「可唔可以煮個印尼撈？」269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUZ9wxCsDL
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ0w78ZqdeV
「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎，你餓？」269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrlGbEjmtx
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8NusiLm239
「我想食嘢。」269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIghU3VYhVo
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtoMRpUydQ8
「洗多札提子畀你？」269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwD5vV3YdB
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8dkpLL6yMX
「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgyZEGRI2RJ
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9kv4GRYQC5
「你今日做咩事？奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問，動身煮麵。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ENETFTPy4
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4EO66dXDFO
林蓁清楚，這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNgFAqseEst
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCfK3tX8Ii6
她陪在他身邊一整天，開心笑開心玩，熱鬧過後，他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到，自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容，其實不是，她啞言，佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮，還傷了自尊心。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8G1YMsQxue
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM9TfTHUgwV
可是他明明說她很好。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjnEjzBCrq
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvea9X81mA
可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLC4hsAv31
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsytUf5VFnl
可是他明明說她很特別。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfGJCvUqSUP
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVytL4OPPvC
陷入苦戀，心知無法繼續前進，發展出更美麗姻緣，卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的，譬如與對方的回憶，譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚，現時的快樂會飛散，認知若是過分清晰，實在無法浪漫。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUyQXwg8nrt
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVXREBeMNf
可是在心底深處，她很想往後餘生也有他。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrf0fONZC5
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmGIQyc5j9
因此她想要進食，彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmapWGCb4pT
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ07Eop0v4LF
「好食！」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈，和周立沖歡快地聊天。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8gwiZBU4g
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsV1AwCSfQk
本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他，她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後，他轉而主動親吻她的臉。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWR4RDSuUG5
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQramGi4q3u
呵，這樣的二人，竟然不是親密愛侶。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRf9itGDkb3
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhL75pB1V3x
她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述，彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而，在旁人眼中，其實她並無特別的行徑，僅僅是，無緣無故便吃很多東西（而且，多數獨自躲起來吃）。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy97wrlxj9N
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJfTCZu8D8s
不要怕我，其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpFFfnQdXzd
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfizYZM9utD
「食多餐都好啦，你咁瘦。」269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV68itSsFv8
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkPQ8EPv6U
縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙，但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少，比起三年前，雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗，但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaiB5PnW27Q
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3DTcV17jM
實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxwWJtyhvE
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZcn8v7jzbt
一直以來，她的身型沒有太大浮動，包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC42UDA36oM
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ24ZZChcxs3
暴食的念頭多是突然襲來，不是因為肚餓，只是覺得「想食嘢」，於是便泡個杯麵，配搭檸檬茶，隨手拾起薯片及曲奇，又吃芋圓，直至盡興。吃完後，只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多，強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉，更加難受。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuWh7wdKFXq
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBjzUfFofx4
持續幾天，忽然又想：我唔想變肥，唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRrrBDVCr7t
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7fddNrlCcw
現代女子多少有點身材焦慮，更見於年輕一代，是否、是否。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCNmuye09M
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDKuKoo5VJ
因此，便又連續幾天吃少少，反正沒有人管她吃什麼，一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午，亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同，但同樣是腹部位置作崇，前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入，後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrEQRJv813a
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrmrfOtgfx
正常飲食幾天，又循環。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ37MhBCj9R9
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJ5f78Y0y9
在周立沖處留宿，其實已改善很多，畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物，而他總叫她不要吃太少，否則沒有能量，三餐也足。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpOfEy3qay1
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs4ZriITYAQ
最重要的是，她不想被任何人發現，自己的身心漸漸不健康起來，要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxZrGX7u3p
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRvxnZ2KKD1
其實她漸漸認清，除了這些那些細碎的不幸，令她病的，還有自尊心。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLjwF1h3v4
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkDWy1Sv5El
握著那無人在乎的尊嚴，以孱弱身軀保護她，不想讓人知道內在殘破。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyAxtdH6jma
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0MRa7npEbM
不開心，怕被嫌棄。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhdClPqmdL
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAERPM0fIP
過往被家暴，怕兒時經歷影響自身太多，才壓抑，意圖說一切早就過去。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9uVlI6F33n
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxjOkr04tS
陷入痛苦的關係，怕被質疑批判。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIc6AsSYg6
269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8GO3kqGatw
沒有洩漏出去的聲音，在她心頭響鬧得很，變成鋒利的刀刃，刮在脆弱的皮膚上，鮮血直流，淹沒她。269Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNK6WFpCCNN
