然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkIEMh4HP1
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj7ki12e8Cq
/323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIEvjxLgJBb
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu8Fz4iSzuG
這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYcjfsawOVr
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Fb0SAN1TI
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBSONv6kH6
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrrCL1nPZHC
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvykgoZStf
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcPNMbyP2X9
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7PDuBNEBz8
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcptHm8eqA
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhndbExtkB7
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4q4YtWK7Q
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnRBekdNeTc
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyFgMPNpBlj
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbXsENzEsni
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9AiTqXING
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsllZ0xdSXo
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9sbgDI4sh
他心情不好便會打她。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJMpARMAGl
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ5yyqZhlR8
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtaI7fQJGn
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolLluCzdN7
一下一下打下去。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVuBSqq1eTp
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYP5VKs5N6h
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfRHWTrcxzm
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqyJv6b0vw
「我無唔聽話呀！」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihaEjZP4e2
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAT6XbwfZtN
「仲講大話！」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeRw0snCJtI
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡALQj3TpaP0
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXeuKdoBRaj
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm78FsbkRbV
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ30RJPC1jS8
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkh4VKAV4xQ
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1D4hLW81a
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgEdXnamDy1
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7HxKilRIx
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAMhT7UCuY
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpiD4Q9oMZ
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9ml4nFo5J
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPncPAKXDJH
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVNKlfy5uJK
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBooVB7P49
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy9myAv4Vu2
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNm7gVPXlbb
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWp5wcZ2NAb
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqV9V6BEWCD
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhkFUZNexf
/323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkyBTEmIe5
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaiw9QGy2Hb
然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENNabt1WxK
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhnAkn8m1l
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfrDos9ViWS
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLKIHH0IPO
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2usmP9YK3m
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lReY30Qaw
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlO3l2Z5cE3
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhEXWPPKa7
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeoIuGhi5qL
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCplR3ekbb
「熊仔去咗邊？」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfWN0BGtme5
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1oolnCCHua
「我抌咗。」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wJgPfIzt8
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmptBg4Tzr
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXAsB34BgpP
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZOfDoSdjR
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0fTVKuGVh
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUA1Fo5nJFp
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1O3YLcvLTB
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhto8IEV0d8
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwaQCm15jnx
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHj85MfZ2L
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡftadhhk2oq
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucsZCflQl9
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXA8TSkqrh5
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpp3nSixtYO
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiYweVFQn74
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxNzLU8cG9
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv2lpvqxl3o
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkorvRMfFCl
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfHPnjtjoO
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUhGvCTHj4Z
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMulF9aENq
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQ0r2w8Qks
/323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSheh08jb0V
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTfnYYJjmzs
那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2WV9EcJIK
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLvKgsXvwj
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPWiet89eK
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaImU25iJBk
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmaieVe3jDS
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpobdADXzof
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxki5dbtRDC
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ13qzFrY0h8
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLVuRluA4k
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0JmYivft0
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwazT8ja8pi
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUxCaZPOE2
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQgi9NFK8P
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhltwVZyChZ
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnKSbJtfJ0Y
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO376Ln4pf2
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5IR1PTrnRr
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn5XFIRl7es
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKN0N9kqEm
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7h36H2gTte
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9I0ccqZ24o
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuG7qdopAk6
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRJrqYhAiM
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqlGEPnZ0Yn
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Lk9EbZYSN
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvgn6Obp34
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJabuQakJT
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgVH3SzOMy2
直至父親又打家姐。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡno0TN0eer3
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0HY2ROpQi5
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjYGOeypD2X
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRlaY0mQYnC
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1QLJ67V2NE
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoiyEoXqI4C
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhjlFg9FLr
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtcISOEb0g
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQgIAPtG4uZ
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXWjzJZKUUK
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfAiK3RPfhA
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIr5soS0MR6
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf3eTIqEx60
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHZNHPjoJa
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOF8o6AYj7
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQgZAuiZ0Fo
「我無！」家姐搖頭。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNawEzjwMa
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXsWuIeYCz
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFYLUFUEnW
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzDgJ6NIyFK
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKqczHVC2e5
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhgozVWh6SR
「多謝阿爸。」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4IhvWU75PS
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMyzZJaSu8B
家姐推了林蓁落地。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcowePXViUd
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJoIpmhxyCM
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZGtFVnr3V
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzpkWGzHkh4
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0OknfmEw3A
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0st7YoTTLS
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmKIsgovP25
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIznL4VMpwb
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82AFRnl0bO
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6nVbQnIFbV
但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmgnSDMmtyu
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQWqGHbZSz
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4m3rZI1c3a
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWEgCBhe8gz
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323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxF7Je9ADQo
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqItl2GSVP
323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Jis1e6mVZ
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。323Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwNi7voIA1
