然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4PXsN86Fje
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTRF7euvSY
/342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNKR7KxMRB
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡysZkGyTulg
這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVRW65VzK25
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrYNJosdZeu
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyiELkzkkR
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy01VGPppWN
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8NKY5fx5x
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPjafvQGm6
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnI1EFEZEPp
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqAIj0e1Xwd
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJdqGt8SLIj
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6ZDmJ4CDV
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4nYEHQeiw
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyEtzKRl7Zz
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Yakdl9Vfj
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4nz42jtQ9
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFYO23w3i1
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo7xJIigP0g
他心情不好便會打她。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkJi3TvyFn
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5w4DD33K1e
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvyvkj5TWP
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVu3YeIrc6m
一下一下打下去。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0eDtybath0
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOByX9orAO
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqr5DSQJb0a
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHlgMct2Pjr
「我無唔聽話呀！」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBIWxe9tCp
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLSTu50hBpK
「仲講大話！」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjBRp1cIL8X
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvkmZYmDmFa
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn4HiA085bi
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjAvn9Sclfu
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn45AKs7VvO
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM86zVxn1CE
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMP6eNBZ2DA
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡroOZStQ5mE
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc36Ie7Vz9K
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIUs58KmHJm
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrrtE8jzNYE
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbphqHOZzta
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaILfqfK4o0
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVOszd1M26S
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmFFjTRtdH
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMe3vsfaPeD
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyR4nJ9G1vL
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNlkXbjoM0
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvk8qngfXOi
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR8PqavqDwf
/342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5BkvEPAJf
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcj7LNXcvr6
然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvd7iJaDiOW
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjjp84rtW7
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5TsdJjidm7
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu9CA3FhKMe
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDSJGrxdupb
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ47FN94XmWd
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY12KzTiFKt
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0bCrMyjGy
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm1NDz0GTms
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFlOJ9M9rJ7
「熊仔去咗邊？」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGBgBPVvBw
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdaSpWlALEt
「我抌咗。」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3m88u9BruV
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIoiMg0blir
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhl8dikSPOK
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPA8cL2M22L
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXRApSBu6y
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzoHc8Qbk54
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIIbaXWqS4n
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbfvCG60VoB
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OH9DLygL8
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHTAzXMR3Gx
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9HbMANOouz
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVfLUUp25e
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuV1H6EcDEF
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQkjUbOES4
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXiMusIkZON
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlllGO2BR3M
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5YcCfaUsW
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFJnt9iBIa
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhEwlOSFKTk
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2Yo9BbWHT
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOJIlRrxNX8
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSH1ZnJgZ8s
/342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1vOtczPjQj
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEtqjnZMaW1
那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwW4oZwX5dN
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgOzMAJJaLP
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu2mr7iOzel
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLMn4oDalL
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ12jcXdvpf1
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Qg7lY3R0W
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZwos5MLXH
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtrDcPhgrW9
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOVw8TMoXj
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDfklLuAZaF
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Epit5vop5
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPjb0uzLyW
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsU5sQ33Kn7
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOWIg4RPPM9
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtpUYLaRLvx
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigSEe0NL13
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWUvqh4oaCQ
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6SRYdODweH
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQOtQFBGJR
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxscUj8rovj
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZn9MZBlo4X
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr5UEwzoags
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdhcUg9yvLU
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNoSAtpab9S
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWoT6veqIyl
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3RcIvk03K
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBV5kBI2WVJ
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP0vkgB8ATv
直至父親又打家姐。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5A1TFLrHWo
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhg7W15vwq
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6cNngIs99
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS56qNxSjwP
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yxsdUIUta
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkESa1LDjfi
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvd9YF2r9P8
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmP3GA7Vk7
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNoDEWBPSau
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6weD8JwMR0
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9KwUru4Cqf
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZ2zrG5Jse
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1OUUkoFHL
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP0gU1kPmiT
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuBoWCaQ99n
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJrwFNa7Y8
「我無！」家姐搖頭。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANsVope5mG
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqB4kwA4ELC
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4lO4tpwNer
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9q5M0hDf2
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpl1Xymva6B
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZAnZbDIOj6
「多謝阿爸。」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0oRX1FP6H
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZr8bs98PaK
家姐推了林蓁落地。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wHmSMkg21
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYpyeMbqbNl
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6e9JnIcBAn
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVTZ6kfz7c
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2oeUVaMyt
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoVaKLBDSU
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ZFep5KFZ9
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4OloNx9XbP
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeH4KfM1dRw
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2AcBmnsyrE
但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnv8DRJI7uO
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0v31YUAms
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOsQmL1Q1WW
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnhVftVGQh
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342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKvXnhxkScV
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGCVqJoJhG0
342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYpADrl7Dzu
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。342Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaEWJLUS1RW
