然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FAwfoZlPM
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這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQx399Gfgw
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDmKypkQw0
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE54JZAtwMw
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBdhVZKPG0e
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkoA3MxSP3
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡikshczH7cg
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQND9PTQSrv
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9JnohN7Fm
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOc0a2LbwzF
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ48LvNscatR
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh9BdOoWxF1
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIPwzjO5Cc
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mJmbzXans
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIQzHz3P2R4
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDwvYDxRsec
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9bbzA5SLCN
他心情不好便會打她。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFVmVyNdiL
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOcFpgwfFU
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpiQYoYS8Z3
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3OOesRIYsK
一下一下打下去。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUmHBE4Cyn
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡteW9rkK0D6
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnrAzxjenSN
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyAOpNWwMU
「我無唔聽話呀！」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84uooeGToP
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGImgzR4ewL
「仲講大話！」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN520vtLXBH
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmgMIfRylPi
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTU1nj8cPF
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlpFaec9aMo
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr23YhOxml6
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14nqzGjpSN
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2EsFZNSMFF
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP3nO7np4Qd
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCWZIQ5KXQi
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd5woDc3ZSl
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe3zGHRSdMt
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbL0NtGnE4
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9Bxn8lZ1m
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVC22yx2i4
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLW1gQxSYK3
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQuG5SVLPQ
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8MkLsJvTtL
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV1xxE7INGt
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeP6IaThxyC
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然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSov0JkxqK
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROnMG0fmLN
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoNIUpyhOYH
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufR8ldzTE7
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgltaOr3ybh
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNMlunyzZzs
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTEB46nKYew
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjGPibxKqVj
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOHyOFwRe6
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ99NAROeNzk
「熊仔去咗邊？」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4ekxF7WdY
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5TILfw5pK
「我抌咗。」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBL5n1nhMMZ
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiB1ffgRhNL
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSlmV7tefGy
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsXhnlLEaxy
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXkNzgbU11T
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkVtc7ZQkC
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUkPRFmvaz
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCKrRNYPGW1
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL04wqzwlmJ
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7fbCtSHFp
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3TBzsnVDxI
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoCm8WzFfrD
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcuUsw3afml
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTM6AjeXGz1
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs6O8bsubwy
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUYrsomnYb
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNAG2culVR
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqZjwMXH7K8
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBzwJnJ5GX
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe0Zl0NWkt5
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNwrKFEqtxV
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那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7cDWWFgeSA
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVho7K7cQr7
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3EqaycOUFQ
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA4A1fbqA0R
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKsArgqU4bd
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKsGf5bSG6U
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8MWjf2Fup
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAN0lTpPakk
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3E5bLuGtMs
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQGX7tqFP8
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1PlF8X8KH
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJBNG4GEKo
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr54bx15Hip
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbOQ69vk8DJ
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OVDP9QdYz
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWUaveQzCwT
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxnwLPgDmTv
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxMgLNGzGwi
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqAKKLm7vjI
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDMO8EWPokv
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNEhr4tpT1K
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupyW2XfbIy
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwPjQif7YYK
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ObcGu5cKI
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34voZaUWRX
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUiI3B9ey1M
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhASlX9x25W
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSgktdMsXQM
直至父親又打家姐。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZtwTWHnPy
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggqEDiNez2
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWYBzXnLgEl
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiw5XXov8Sn
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9HL5GE3NZ5
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQkgQxCdH0
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3sRBb1dpwn
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9ppSI9i2b
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgF0hiSRFI4
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcySwODVwqJ
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtPzhd8tGMW
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ85ClhygjJm
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgR34Ikrb69
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSyxM4cl9ue
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMbX2pCkx7
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrARRrOcIa3
「我無！」家姐搖頭。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5QmUa104pO
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshDGcoumMC
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3GEhZd3sZr
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHAJmt0RQZi
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTeiL0J0WX
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVOsIzrEIYm
「多謝阿爸。」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FZzx1wY5t
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7olCDZdTT
家姐推了林蓁落地。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarrG9aC6Fb
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyOBPTCceP2
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbuQwhDfpKY
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5IDSpVSFRn
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAevRaiSKS3
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8nQz783YpN
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9PAznv7XTI
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcuHsW9Jh8H
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF0SwiQ7JCR
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpS9NxJzoec
但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolta6oNFZI
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPj7dUUj8vr
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkyODrThoYW
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ISAu39LP2
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270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zNGTeDsQX
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFkQKyRPYA
270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4l9vpuRaHl
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。270Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJqD6Z0cjhM
