後來，林蓁回想舊事，喜歡Y先生時，其實已是中四。記憶再模糊，感受亦是真。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwglydwjcQ
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0TY315qxJj
她之所以傷心，除了因為他不喜歡自己，還因為那個熱心助人的同學，竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFGgFDunmfM
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNZlDFLoYJ6
自此之後，她就沒有喜歡過男生。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCoey8ZpyJ
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyjYLo6fXcP
／330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ZvCH21Xcx
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNKxZ5r7G9
每次感到空虛時，林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmBjjiyF6mp
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWEpu299RI
以食物填滿胃，以粉底液填滿毛孔，以男人的話語填滿口腔。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtaFZpDJ3XV
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WvXVNby7B
她記得上次輔導員問，除了跑步，她還有沒有其他的方法，可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHS2nUrScW
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTn2WPqJYey
例如，暴食。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvFe1b0Xy0
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqwbV6dUyEI
時時如此，只是，她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型，讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的，韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶，唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」，才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8OIoJz7mj
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo5uARnr0iv
如果進食不健康的食物，是對身體的懲罰，那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體，折磨自己，抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqHdk8n4o8n
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQ2zJsmHY7
記得有一次，她留在周立沖處，聽他說很掛念A小姐。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhB4A63KDV
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9hibzOkVp
分手才兩星期，不過半個月，他若然思念，亦是正常。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfuOGxaTgLu
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkTq8u3qEc5
她無法感受自己的情緒，只是得體地應答。可是，隔了一會兒，她近乎哀求地問他：330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmRRKvOsAjI
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhKCaKVcRtW
「可唔可以煮個印尼撈？」330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8jpJ4zKIh1
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXFLq5g3nXA
「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎，你餓？」330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxF4QnbWF9S
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdGJW1wtcRy
「我想食嘢。」330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SuQPDP7Zd
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBWz7lMgxB
「洗多札提子畀你？」330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGgELDEc8f
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqcdsg9H1hh
「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxu0yuEcxJu
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXWmnHfZHBd
「你今日做咩事？奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問，動身煮麵。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuU1DqibdHE
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlp0CObAkwj
林蓁清楚，這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKHt8GI5Xow
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0VUXZ2iUVR
她陪在他身邊一整天，開心笑開心玩，熱鬧過後，他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到，自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容，其實不是，她啞言，佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮，還傷了自尊心。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWAUak2ZIk
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsL9dmbV2WR
可是他明明說她很好。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETIiCPj1ie
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6T8Aal6C72
可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA53yjI3vPX
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVGYPqaH0G
可是他明明說她很特別。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg092Q71isV
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BavrJ1PIS
陷入苦戀，心知無法繼續前進，發展出更美麗姻緣，卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的，譬如與對方的回憶，譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚，現時的快樂會飛散，認知若是過分清晰，實在無法浪漫。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhgGKftDwDR
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcVEfj74Keu
可是在心底深處，她很想往後餘生也有他。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfQbdPhlJbC
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6NM5ZhfIi
因此她想要進食，彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJN16G5cvKd
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6l2CnZuQX
「好食！」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈，和周立沖歡快地聊天。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJSnjn47Kn
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK0kzQAYzvE
本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他，她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後，他轉而主動親吻她的臉。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvP7OnD3WaO
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPWPbrO5M2
呵，這樣的二人，竟然不是親密愛侶。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxYVwfg14Wg
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb3xs9ksXqO
她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述，彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而，在旁人眼中，其實她並無特別的行徑，僅僅是，無緣無故便吃很多東西（而且，多數獨自躲起來吃）。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYcLsdiDiIk
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc1sF89Ee8y
不要怕我，其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ORqeMf9tY
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGnWOxc9Cp7
「食多餐都好啦，你咁瘦。」330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqMxMOf5hB
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR2vqurLnt6
縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙，但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少，比起三年前，雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗，但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg1I1EjjtWr
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOy2T8Gt9yS
實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarAIbYEDwA
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyKc4vU5ibZ
一直以來，她的身型沒有太大浮動，包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtoeSCIDZch
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRHay8OMBnW
暴食的念頭多是突然襲來，不是因為肚餓，只是覺得「想食嘢」，於是便泡個杯麵，配搭檸檬茶，隨手拾起薯片及曲奇，又吃芋圓，直至盡興。吃完後，只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多，強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉，更加難受。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfwGskFWs5
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctfhIzQD2B
持續幾天，忽然又想：我唔想變肥，唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJVzQPX9Oe5
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZW4OnucXIM
現代女子多少有點身材焦慮，更見於年輕一代，是否、是否。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgzrY1DM6Uz
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1NJiQHuxeC
因此，便又連續幾天吃少少，反正沒有人管她吃什麼，一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午，亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同，但同樣是腹部位置作崇，前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入，後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqQ4yKUSST3
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡib4kjyIQxe
正常飲食幾天，又循環。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ51IyL6yJCO
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4M3UvnOoZ
在周立沖處留宿，其實已改善很多，畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物，而他總叫她不要吃太少，否則沒有能量，三餐也足。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYC52elnnkE
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm0HtKhbbTf
最重要的是，她不想被任何人發現，自己的身心漸漸不健康起來，要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl5wzfFPhy4
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjcIJ6yqIqc
其實她漸漸認清，除了這些那些細碎的不幸，令她病的，還有自尊心。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqomGPpFVbU
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCoxPPOZOup
握著那無人在乎的尊嚴，以孱弱身軀保護她，不想讓人知道內在殘破。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡllv5mrM36C
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2gCc4ODIa
不開心，怕被嫌棄。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lAn14m0Zc
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmXde09ptT
過往被家暴，怕兒時經歷影響自身太多，才壓抑，意圖說一切早就過去。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyeQSORhoGz
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39N6TwufAW
陷入痛苦的關係，怕被質疑批判。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkj3z6hlfcV
330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoCgobb9YM8
沒有洩漏出去的聲音，在她心頭響鬧得很，變成鋒利的刀刃，刮在脆弱的皮膚上，鮮血直流，淹沒她。330Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpL2JSO4c2
