其實她沒有忘記那些老師的臉,只是沒有太深刻,可能因為她由此至終都是沉悶的學生。317Please respect copyright.PENANAjDnZf8WNKq
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小學,那樣久遠,卻有很多回憶湧現——317Please respect copyright.PENANANq22L5Bbwy
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家裡窮,那些要錢才能學的才藝,她通通無份。317Please respect copyright.PENANAuKvhALUKae
317Please respect copyright.PENANAkqg9g7THGt
她總是很羨慕人多才多藝——不是妒忌,而是羨慕,那些在學業以外的興趣太吸引,身邊能把它們玩得好的人,在她眼中都在閃閃發亮。尤其是,一項才藝往往有道具的配合,譬如舞衣、小提琴、畫具、跆拳道服,很帥氣。317Please respect copyright.PENANADrG41DAbZ0
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因此,在發現學校有許多校隊招攬時,便盡量表現,希望可以試多點。高小時期,她是舞蹈隊、廣播劇隊、繪畫隊、笛隊的成員,用來配合學校訓練,出去參加比賽。317Please respect copyright.PENANAO3rHXBJO7q
317Please respect copyright.PENANAYn3r6TnNZX
那些比賽的日子總是很近,臨近呈分試,她依然不想落下任何一個活動,只要可以,就趕上訓練。三點放學,先去必要人齊的廣播劇,四點半到舞蹈隊拉筋,然後被老師罵:317Please respect copyright.PENANA2M6zdtiWqh
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「有好多嘢做又點?遲到就係心散。」317Please respect copyright.PENANAO5p26wCFFN
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想來可笑,現在她已不能柔軟地「拍蝴蝶」,但是,老師罵她後,她便無時無刻念記舞步的記憶,還在。317Please respect copyright.PENANAN64ibE35bV
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七點放學,天空只有一片黑。317Please respect copyright.PENANAHlNsTLmm5W
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廣播劇和跳舞都很好玩,一班人,一同為一個故事演出,練到有肌肉記憶,聽到背景音樂便入狀態,實在難忘。317Please respect copyright.PENANAWxgo8oITDV
317Please respect copyright.PENANA8p9fBcg6Hw
令林蓁覺得辛苦的是,笛及繪畫。317Please respect copyright.PENANAwBIvf4CcnY
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吹笛要天份——即使是兒時人人都玩的牧童笛。音樂考試後,林蓁便被選去笛隊,她還沾沾自喜——一級的笛隊只得三人,那樣難得。317Please respect copyright.PENANAbKAFdDV8h1
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可是,她很快發現,人與人之間確實存在差距,並非輕易填滿。和她一起參賽的另外兩位同學,都懂得運氣,吹出來的音色更加圓渾,而她只憑肺部吐出氣息,聽來薄弱。317Please respect copyright.PENANAQr4xqH70bL
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最初,她還以為自己可以憑努力練習,拉近與同學的差距,但原來不能。無論她怎樣嘗試以丹田運氣,表現與原先所差無幾。單從結果上看,就像她沒有練習過。317Please respect copyright.PENANAmw13iRlp0c
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她感到無力。317Please respect copyright.PENANAw3iEunYBHg
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繪畫也是。由於校內視覺藝術科的成績不錯,便被老師挑選到繪畫隊。317Please respect copyright.PENANAXwgyTW9DAw
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她生平第一次意識到——也是往後如此認知——自己一點美術天份也沒有,沒有創意、沒有美感觸覺,沒有對顏色及佈局的概念,總之,每幅畫都是極吃力地畫出來,若是不滿意,便砍掉重練,不斷畫、不斷比較,317Please respect copyright.PENANADZkFLNoLiW
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最後都被同學嘲笑:「你憑咩同我哋一齊入嚟啊?」她本人也不知。317Please respect copyright.PENANAE0zjoVyi9k
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結果,牧童笛考試及視藝科成績再好,用處只能是:讓她認清自身美術的平庸。317Please respect copyright.PENANACYbm18G4Ix
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從此,她沒有再接觸過音樂及美術。317Please respect copyright.PENANAtfDPlW0uS2
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至於舞蹈及廣播劇,升讀中學後,她便也沒有再碰。317Please respect copyright.PENANAC595lORLKy
317Please respect copyright.PENANA4TlaBlueVK
校內沒有廣播劇,而她在中一已留意學校舞蹈學會,發現成員們全是專業學過跳舞的,中國舞現代舞爵士舞芭蕾舞等等等等,有獎項有證書。沒有人比較,或許學會亦不理會舞蹈根基、不介意她其實連一字馬這基本功也做不好,但她早早自慚形穢,走得遠遠。317Please respect copyright.PENANAEMnOjhiy5T
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哇,原來十年前的事彷如昨日。317Please respect copyright.PENANA5tDamQhpot
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//317Please respect copyright.PENANAaivGkBiKqf
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看見課室與舊時沒有什麼分別,便教林蓁想起一個同學,花名叫「鼻屎杰」——她竟已忘記他的本名。317Please respect copyright.PENANAYFzZJYuQx1
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鼻屎杰皮膚很白,像沒有血色,眉毛淡淡,眼睛小小,嘴巴紅紅,說話時,口水總在拉絲,牙齒上有許多泡泡。317Please respect copyright.PENANAC2BPDJg7Vn
317Please respect copyright.PENANA9lAVsMwtkf
在小學時期,大家都異常興奮(相比中學、大學),控制不住吵鬧、調皮,唯獨是鼻屎杰,沉默寡言,只愛看書,有時是《丁丁歷險記》,有時是直排密密麻麻的小說,有時是圖文並茂的大自然詭秘探索系列。林蓁坐他斜前方,她總是好奇他在看什麼,但又與他不熟,便只是盯著書封,一語不發。317Please respect copyright.PENANAbn6JxRcREC
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他便將櫃桶的另一本書拿出來,遞給她。317Please respect copyright.PENANAM11V3WgvWf
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二人不算好友,畢竟沒有什麼話聊,但她總感覺和他是投契的朋友。當時她不喜歡聒噪的男生,覺得好幼稚——拿著一張只考57分的試卷還興奮地跑來跑去,再踢另一個男同學。文靜的男生是少數,她知道鼻屎杰就是獨特的一群。317Please respect copyright.PENANAH6PJQ3giTy
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直至他被人說污糟邋遢。317Please respect copyright.PENANA6zX33m2alV
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譬如,到處撩鼻屎再將其黏到桌子、椅子上,去廁所周圍噴,常沾到褲腳,不洗頭不洗澡,身上有異味。317Please respect copyright.PENANAQZfwBg8WEf
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他從此起被稱為「鼻屎杰」,這花名竟被她記到廿一歲,甚至覆蓋原先記憶。317Please respect copyright.PENANAzxaz449erL
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林蓁聽見這些話,只有不解。317Please respect copyright.PENANAm4nn3XwuUD
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「佢無啊?你哋覺得佢污糟咩?揭開啲書都好乾淨。」317Please respect copyright.PENANApzkAuaiS6H
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「你睇吓佢個樣,成日好多口水泡泡,就算係咁撩鼻屎都唔出奇。」317Please respect copyright.PENANADreP5FRFwj
317Please respect copyright.PENANApm7XN6X0WQ
「但佢無喎……張枱好乾淨。」317Please respect copyright.PENANATWubC0ogqf
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當時林蓁不理會別人怎想,依然會在小息時,跟鼻屎杰留在課室裡聊天。她分明見到他的桌子,或是書本筆袋之類的物件都十分乾淨,因此更篤信那是流言。317Please respect copyright.PENANAKzGGLN5Lxd
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直至他的桌子上真的出現許多污垢。317Please respect copyright.PENANAR5B09D93p1
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椅子也是。317Please respect copyright.PENANA2gOCn4vu42
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他的同桌、後座的桌子上也有疑似鼻屎的東西。317Please respect copyright.PENANAowaZkM3W6G
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總之,圍繞他身邊的位置都黏附了一些黑黑灰灰、黃黃啡啡的泥膠狀污垢。最後就連林蓁的椅背也開始沾上。誰都說是鼻屎杰弄到如此。317Please respect copyright.PENANAIfmGhetgI1
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班上形成了一股排擠的氣氛——說得太好聽了,只是當全部人也討厭一個人時,便是那獨一個人的問題。317Please respect copyright.PENANACjqEQAEAdX
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倒是沒有粗魯暴力的手段,317Please respect copyright.PENANAaEIxcAUe2t
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常識專題研習分組時,一小個圈一小個圈都形成了組別,全班也嘻嘻哈哈,找朋友繼續傾八卦。當時林蓁已與好友組一人,還欠一人,好友說:「聽候老師發落。」317Please respect copyright.PENANAbNxPrRnmRp
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她應允,卻希望與鼻屎杰一組,反正見他按兵不動,一直坐在座位,應是未有組。317Please respect copyright.PENANAc4mTIy0Y0F
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結果全班都分好組,只剩鼻屎杰和另外一人沒有。317Please respect copyright.PENANAQQIKoQFFkn
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老師問:「有無人想同XX杰一組?」317Please respect copyright.PENANAU3u54l1ovI
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全班沉默。林蓁說:「我哋可以。」317Please respect copyright.PENANARWoMsWr7ax
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「咩我哋?我唔要同鼻屎杰一組!」317Please respect copyright.PENANABDUELz77gj
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這花名還是首次大大聲地被揚了出來,以往不過是背後竊竊私語。317Please respect copyright.PENANA2OFdS5pSBi
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「我哋仲差一個人。」林蓁只懂回應。317Please respect copyright.PENANAtpx20Znwpy
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「我想同XXX(另一個同學)一組。」317Please respect copyright.PENANAq2X0RWqAUY
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「OK,咁有無人想同XX杰一組?」老師問。317Please respect copyright.PENANAPrSGhcU2Dm
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老師當然聽見同學們不喜歡鼻屎杰,但她也不想插手,若是理會同學之間的糾紛,實在麻煩,人與人之間本就有很多互看不順的時候,又難分對錯,插手亦無結果。317Please respect copyright.PENANArbqEcta02q
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全班又沉默,沒有人願意和鼻屎杰一組。317Please respect copyright.PENANAbfYqL39I21
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全班沉默了好久,林蓁再次舉手:「我可以同佢一組。」317Please respect copyright.PENANAkpAh9UgKJ1
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「唔得。」遭到組員反對。317Please respect copyright.PENANAp7EHMmMugy
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她也很想堅持,但上秒再要求一遍,已耗盡她的勇氣。她和鼻屎杰不算很親的朋友,至少不比組員熟悉。全班都莫名地討厭鼻屎杰,她似乎沒有堅持的理由——是不是要為了他,為別人歸到「不受歡迎」那一群?317Please respect copyright.PENANA6V08UDKSlx
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最後她不再作聲。317Please respect copyright.PENANADVXWe6sjiW
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心裡一直覺得做錯了事,對於無緣無故的與人紛擾,她無所適從,也不明白為何會有那麼多的喜歡和不喜歡,甚至化作行為上的討厭,將意向表明。由始至終,她也有點懦弱,只不過想息事寧人,似乎沒有什麼必堅持不可的原則,譬如道理。317Please respect copyright.PENANAl968IWCBCA
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林蓁對上鼻屎杰的眼睛,急急低頭,心跳很快。317Please respect copyright.PENANAMnbyVAK1hx
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他絲毫沒有責怪的意味,反而帶著感謝地對她笑了笑。317Please respect copyright.PENANA6ByB7CnRuR
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這才最讓林蓁慚愧。317Please respect copyright.PENANASNj8hdUNbD
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之後的日子裡,她比以往少了和鼻屎杰說話,不是因為討厭他,而是,自己好像沒有什麼理由再和他交好。她若作為朋友,首先保全自身利益,好像也不夠堅定。317Please respect copyright.PENANA9IULmWg0yq
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後來她終於為何鼻屎杰被說髒亂。317Please respect copyright.PENANAV6NxoffpRl
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只是某次班裡,B同學在炫耀最新款的遊戲機時(長大後的林蓁已忘記是什麼),鼻屎杰沒有抬眼看一下;所有人都聽他的,唯獨有個靜靜坐著的身影完全忽視自己——總是淡淡,好似他珍視的一切、可以炫耀的一切,根本毫不緊要。317Please respect copyright.PENANAmTwx7AzE5U
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B同學心中莫名出現一種不適,沒有由來的討厭。317Please respect copyright.PENANATPvk0YVNA5
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「你哋如果周圍講XX杰亂掟鼻屎,我就借遊戲機畀你哋玩。」317Please respect copyright.PENANA2Lh7dqRTKe
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「好!」有人說。317Please respect copyright.PENANAGR3iq3D3jA
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「好似唔係咁好喎……」另一些人說。317Please respect copyright.PENANAHkpmXmmIby
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「唔緊要,我唔借畀你都得。」B同學說。317Please respect copyright.PENANAsG6RcjguqL
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「哈!咁我哋有得玩、你哋無得玩lu。」有人說。317Please respect copyright.PENANA7Y9cuvhmqU
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那是一個如果沒有看大家都在看的動畫、便會插不進話題的年齡;就算過後可以繼續聊天,都因「人哋有但我無」而失落,就算聊到今天的功課和體育堂,明天有看動畫的人又圍聚一起聊新一集劇情——更甚的是,有的動畫還出了卡片遊戲或玩具,又多了共鳴。317Please respect copyright.PENANAHzt1oJzaVi
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「唔好。借埋畀我哋玩。」317Please respect copyright.PENANAikrNY38gPQ
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B同學以遊戲機為誘,令班上大部分男同學都聽他的話,說鼻屎杰將鼻屎亂扔。女同學本身跟鼻屎杰不熟,也怕污糟,因此與他更是疏遠,接過他傳過來的功課時,露出嫌棄神色。317Please respect copyright.PENANAIno2wTQNxH
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起因竟僅此而已。317Please respect copyright.PENANA4aoRAhspcV
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——後來,她終於知道他被排擠是B同學搞出來的鬼,更是沒有立場說什麼。因為,她也知道,除了什麼玩具、遊戲機,其實B同學當時還喜歡她,他對別人都粗聲粗氣,唯獨對著她時陰聲細氣,還會聊些不著邊際的話題。她和鼻屎杰坐得近,也會借故說話,投緣地笑。這些那些,也許都構成B同學帶頭排擠鼻屎杰的理由。她不肯定,但如此相信。317Please respect copyright.PENANAqEzUbcJPrj
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歸咎自身之後,又想起那時她沒有更大膽地說一聲:317Please respect copyright.PENANALF2wSkLA5j
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「我要同佢一組!」表明立場,便更愧疚。317Please respect copyright.PENANAUfkpemnvoD
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鼻屎杰的無妄之災,實在無辜,她這罪魁禍首卻只是做作地自我對話,愧疚一下。若是解釋,更覺無謂,難道說:317Please respect copyright.PENANAQ91lrBS057
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「你畀人排擠係因為B同學唔鍾意你,同埋,佢鍾意我。」317Please respect copyright.PENANApsruLwU9Sw
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何必。317Please respect copyright.PENANABg68RvQICd
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很快便調位,二人再沒說過話,畢業後更難聯絡。317Please respect copyright.PENANAYUPBgwJ3iJ
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只是有時,林蓁睡不著的時候,會想起這件事。317Please respect copyright.PENANAQDi2Q6UrZQ