Did you know that babies possess scandalously sensitive skin?22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7BVeMLSfjP
I, regrettably, did not.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcui2mxd4BW
I once used an exotic soap. For you and your cloths. Sandalwood-scented, expensive, decadent, from a faraway land. I used it one evening to wash your linens, assuming,22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDEEnuAVTj2
"This will make her smell less like... sour milk and unidentifiable bodily fluids."22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMjgZcG6ji
What followed was a furious, red, diabolically itchy rash across your thighs and back that had you crying non-stop for nearly two days. A rash no demon could have conjured better.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVj3RkNgYK2
I was beside myself. I applied everything I had: witch salves, cold compresses, whispered apologies.
Eventually, I called Grellborn. Not because I wanted to. I had no other choice.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshfvukUu5L
I saw him wandering over the field to my little castle, as always, in an invisible fog of damp moss, old smoke, and the faintest memory of lavender and other herbs my sensitive nose couldn't identify.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEmIXaFiWkE
He looked you over briefly with a skilled look. Your red, irritated skin, your flailing little legs, your furious wailing. Then he looked at me. For a long time. Finally he said, "What... did you do?"22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7XamXZlHvv
"Bathed," I growled.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmPmsCh0bb7
"With what?"22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv2Zh4BbTL0
I hesitated and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Sandalwood soap. From Al-Mahrak. I thought..."22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqjn24I5VoV
"Of course you thought that," Grell interrupted dryly. "A baby's skin is as delicate as a spring flower. Too much sun and it wilts." He sighed in disappointment and shook his head like I'd just violated the fundamental laws of alchemy.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk4zv81SB9N
Then he reached into his robe and pulled out a small, greasy vial.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkmSSuafLFz
"Here. When you said she had a rash, I quickly prepared this. A concentrated infusion of oats and calendula. Pour it into her bath, soak a linen cloth in it. No magic. Just plants. Usually that's enough. Godbless"22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZmqkPpNDI
He handed it to me like it was the Holy Grail. I took it.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPDO2LxxdXg
And bowed... inwardly.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZQxCROxtR
Outwardly, I raised a single brow. He smiled. He knows that's all the humility he'll get from me.
Once your skin returned to normal, I reverted to the plainest, most boring soap I could find: unscented, colorless, uninspired. And that was perfect for you.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPBAOlgtWH
22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwydZhxaT0
I read deep into the night: Anatomy. Psychology. Human development. Hormones, the stages of the mind. It became part of my research. You were no longer merely a child. You were a living doctoral thesis.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCiUdzk8ga
I read obsessively during those early months. Everything I could uncover about human development. Midwives' journals. Alchemists' charts on bodily humors. Even a musty, dust-choked scroll on the "connection between womb and spirit."
What remained with me was the theory of a long-dead scholar. He could've been Grellborn's tidy, better-smelling, academic cousin, that touch shapes the infant brain. That skin-to-skin warmth builds trust. And that neglect in the first months can permanently distort the capacity for empathy.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWNcLQH6rHT
I remember closing the book and watching you sleep by the fire.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0nlf4Jbi7
"Very well," I murmured. "Let us see what cold skin makes of you."
I tested your grip. Your gaze. Your response to stimuli, as prescribed in the medical tomes. I was oddly pleased to find that you appeared completely normal. You were a healthy baby.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJJ0iCEXOc
And then, finally, you smiled. A toothless grin aimed directly at me.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuwC9qKQE2r
No fear. No confusion.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmubMU9KfP
It was pure recognition.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXiqH1zJZzU
Strange, isn't it? To be seen by a creature.
You must understand... I had centuries of knowledge. Philosophy, languages, politics, necromancy, court etiquette, even the subtleties of seduction.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIp8Msa0yKX
But... babies?22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8sLyEzogOM
Babies are chaos incarnate, wrapped in blankets and sweetly scented.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzlcXAESXsQ
You cannot negotiate with a baby. I tried, believe me.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBTWCftKf4
I genuinely thought, "If I speak to her calmly and rationally, she'll grasp the futility of this tantrum."22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsyQ5bhL4UK
So I stood there saying things like, "Now, child, if you would only consider the inevitability of this diaper change..."22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhiFXKeMCY3
Screaming intensifies.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtM6EJxxn4s
They don't negotiate. They demand. Their logic is ancient and absolute. Hungry? You scream.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlC55Ec2Zf
Tired? Scream louder. A wisp of cold air? Summon the dead with your cries.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRliAqpHgd
Sleep was the most peaceful time. Yours, not mine. I sat by the fire, reading old folios, pretending not to glance over every few minutes just to make sure you were still breathing. And yes, once or twice I pressed a cold finger to your chest, just to feel the heartbeat beneath. You were that peaceful sometimes.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCgVwh3sgxH
Pure precaution of course.
Grellborn once told me about babies who fall asleep at night and never wake up, and no one knows why. I didn't know whether it was true or if the old man was just trying to scare me.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaEwMkh2NR7
Sometimes, when the nights were long and the wind howled around the house, I whispered to you. Never lullabies, by all the dark gods. Never. They were stories. Of ancient cities that rose and fell. Of monsters. Of hunger and blood. I thought that if I fed your mind with my world early enough, you'd grow into it. Become something other than a fragile human. Something... mine.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1YlFzPA7d
But it wasn't always like that.
I was naive enough to believe I could gently ease you into a kind of rhythm. A daily structure. A ritual. You sleep, I read. Everything would be neat, quiet, harmonious. I was so wrong. 22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZn11rGIRun
You laughed in my face. Repeatedly. At 3AM. While the moon tucked herself behind the dark clouds in what I can only assume was secondhand embarrassment, you delivered a kick to my ribs.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNJPusT5IV
Your rhythm became mine.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bpHotvaXM
And I began to understand why sleep deprivation is used as torture.
And your tantrums? I learned quickly. I carried you against my chest, tightly swaddled, murmuring nonsense in a voice soft as dark wine... and you grew quiet. Not from affection, mind you. I suspect it was merely the rhythm of my voice. Grim, cold, but consistent. Always there. As if it were the only constant in your world.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmoDD4QXLR3
There were moments when I looked down at your sleeping face and thought: What have I done? But those thoughts passed.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwBfbtQCYoW
Because you lived. And that, my little experiment, was the only victory I needed.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp7p8n2c2kE
Still, I had underestimated my undertaking. Severely. I foolishly assumed that as long as you were fed, clean, and warm, you would simply... lie there.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvV3Y7hhRSI
Quiet. Adorable. If wet nurses could do it, so could I. Or so I arrogantly thought.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwzX8kioPha
No. Babies demand engagement.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7OD5iyDbK
You wanted someone to speak to you. To read to you. To show you the world. You were so eager to discover the wonders of this world.
One day I left you with a rattle. When I returned, you were furious. How dare I leave you unentertained.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRscf5mvMqs
From that point on, I read aloud to you whatever my shelves offered: grimoires, treatises, even lewd poetry (not that you understood any of it).22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHqce2bRNcU
I sang dramatic opera arias, what fragments I could recall. With more drama than voice.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrgpCePgYh
And I invented absurd, grotesque, spontaneous fairytales. Of toads that devoured mad kings. Of witches who stole babies that cried too loud.
Sometimes you laughed. Sometimes you looked at me as if I'd gone utterly mad.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtYdjDNYsNI
And perhaps I had.
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