Did you know that babies possess scandalously sensitive skin?16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1YFfQHZRG
I, regrettably, did not.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsuIYAFU2V6
I once used an exotic soap. For you and your cloths. Sandalwood-scented, expensive, decadent, from a faraway land. I used it one evening to wash your linens, assuming,16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tPrPnBlsE
"This will make her smell less like... sour milk and unidentifiable bodily fluids."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1OKlh82Uvr
What followed was a furious, red, diabolically itchy rash across your thighs and back that had you crying non-stop for nearly two days. A rash no demon could have conjured better.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIUcAv9efvA
I was beside myself. I applied everything I had: witch salves, cold compresses, whispered apologies.
Eventually, I called Grellborn. Not because I wanted to. I had no other choice.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhPFguYvuNe
I saw him wandering over the field to my little castle, as always, in an invisible fog of damp moss, old smoke, and the faintest memory of lavender and other herbs my sensitive nose couldn't identify.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9t3ZnT580j
He looked you over briefly with a skilled look. Your red, irritated skin, your flailing little legs, your furious wailing. Then he looked at me. For a long time. Finally he said, "What... did you do?"16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSk1hZvAIz
"Bathed," I growled.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGP2PBUgTBY
"With what?"16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3iyFcVLx6V
I hesitated and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Sandalwood soap. From Al-Mahrak. I thought..."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBywm750yTS
"Of course you thought that," Grell interrupted dryly. "A baby's skin is as delicate as a spring flower. Too much sun and it wilts." He sighed in disappointment and shook his head like I'd just violated the fundamental laws of alchemy.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqmSGY1fb4
Then he reached into his robe and pulled out a small, greasy vial.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu02nfOuPcg
"Here. When you said she had a rash, I quickly prepared this. A concentrated infusion of oats and calendula. Pour it into her bath, soak a linen cloth in it. No magic. Just plants. Usually that's enough. Godbless"16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmB0ODw4DU
He handed it to me like it was the Holy Grail. I took it.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNaPlqC8dVq
And bowed... inwardly.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZ2H6u2e0c
Outwardly, I raised a single brow. He smiled. He knows that's all the humility he'll get from me.
Once your skin returned to normal, I reverted to the plainest, most boring soap I could find: unscented, colorless, uninspired. And that was perfect for you.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ210sQ4PwPN
16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZgegdInOoF
I read deep into the night: Anatomy. Psychology. Human development. Hormones, the stages of the mind. It became part of my research. You were no longer merely a child. You were a living doctoral thesis.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8d49fqHGCN
I read obsessively during those early months. Everything I could uncover about human development. Midwives' journals. Alchemists' charts on bodily humors. Even a musty, dust-choked scroll on the "connection between womb and spirit."
What remained with me was the theory of a long-dead scholar. He could've been Grellborn's tidy, better-smelling, academic cousin, that touch shapes the infant brain. That skin-to-skin warmth builds trust. And that neglect in the first months can permanently distort the capacity for empathy.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG26a48y2TY
I remember closing the book and watching you sleep by the fire.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQ07B6sQYM
"Very well," I murmured. "Let us see what cold skin makes of you."
I tested your grip. Your gaze. Your response to stimuli, as prescribed in the medical tomes. I was oddly pleased to find that you appeared completely normal. You were a healthy baby.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWpP4LgWJE
And then, finally, you smiled. A toothless grin aimed directly at me.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSbAsnoHR7X
No fear. No confusion.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8JzbeJ1GH
It was pure recognition.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEI0XEzUGxE
Strange, isn't it? To be seen by a creature.
You must understand... I had centuries of knowledge. Philosophy, languages, politics, necromancy, court etiquette, even the subtleties of seduction.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHBrLXqbujk
But... babies?16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ytxY0AIUl
Babies are chaos incarnate, wrapped in blankets and sweetly scented.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzdtElMVEiS
You cannot negotiate with a baby. I tried, believe me.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKw1Zxq9oT6
I genuinely thought, "If I speak to her calmly and rationally, she'll grasp the futility of this tantrum."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNoInwyaJ0
So I stood there saying things like, "Now, child, if you would only consider the inevitability of this diaper change..."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5cGAgE70a
Screaming intensifies.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡetpaR750FV
They don't negotiate. They demand. Their logic is ancient and absolute. Hungry? You scream.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Yo866slxa
Tired? Scream louder. A wisp of cold air? Summon the dead with your cries.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTev57TpHai
Sleep was the most peaceful time. Yours, not mine. I sat by the fire, reading old folios, pretending not to glance over every few minutes just to make sure you were still breathing. And yes, once or twice I pressed a cold finger to your chest, just to feel the heartbeat beneath. You were that peaceful sometimes.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ESYGlVnVC
Pure precaution of course.
Grellborn once told me about babies who fall asleep at night and never wake up, and no one knows why. I didn't know whether it was true or if the old man was just trying to scare me.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwmjVpTlGbe
Sometimes, when the nights were long and the wind howled around the house, I whispered to you. Never lullabies, by all the dark gods. Never. They were stories. Of ancient cities that rose and fell. Of monsters. Of hunger and blood. I thought that if I fed your mind with my world early enough, you'd grow into it. Become something other than a fragile human. Something... mine.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLDjPa9icZ
But it wasn't always like that.
I was naive enough to believe I could gently ease you into a kind of rhythm. A daily structure. A ritual. You sleep, I read. Everything would be neat, quiet, harmonious. I was so wrong. 16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy2SgZ48q9T
You laughed in my face. Repeatedly. At 3AM. While the moon tucked herself behind the dark clouds in what I can only assume was secondhand embarrassment, you delivered a kick to my ribs.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOFNRAox65
Your rhythm became mine.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqmrrc5zQX7
And I began to understand why sleep deprivation is used as torture.
And your tantrums? I learned quickly. I carried you against my chest, tightly swaddled, murmuring nonsense in a voice soft as dark wine... and you grew quiet. Not from affection, mind you. I suspect it was merely the rhythm of my voice. Grim, cold, but consistent. Always there. As if it were the only constant in your world.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSfwTSV1Yb
There were moments when I looked down at your sleeping face and thought: What have I done? But those thoughts passed.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfrwaHcAfD
Because you lived. And that, my little experiment, was the only victory I needed.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJEHZUSDIo
Still, I had underestimated my undertaking. Severely. I foolishly assumed that as long as you were fed, clean, and warm, you would simply... lie there.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIO0MtMUNxS
Quiet. Adorable. If wet nurses could do it, so could I. Or so I arrogantly thought.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8JvkMShf8
No. Babies demand engagement.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFvkShdkfW
You wanted someone to speak to you. To read to you. To show you the world. You were so eager to discover the wonders of this world.
One day I left you with a rattle. When I returned, you were furious. How dare I leave you unentertained.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKasaRQIs5u
From that point on, I read aloud to you whatever my shelves offered: grimoires, treatises, even lewd poetry (not that you understood any of it).16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvvU0dDbus
I sang dramatic opera arias, what fragments I could recall. With more drama than voice.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHCTNW4Ow4
And I invented absurd, grotesque, spontaneous fairytales. Of toads that devoured mad kings. Of witches who stole babies that cried too loud.
Sometimes you laughed. Sometimes you looked at me as if I'd gone utterly mad.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSn6qWX1VkE
And perhaps I had.
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