Days and nights passed. Weeks. Months.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS5jlgX5yjU
You kept me occupied. You began to discover your will, more and more each day.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOUS1WBbNYD
You were perhaps twenty moons old. And I... I was tired. Not tired in the sense of exhaustion.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfWPHhQeItH
I had known that for decades. I mean tired in a way that even death could no longer soothe.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡppv5t1pspo
But I digress.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCe0UGtvmj
I read more than usual at night. Not out of a thirst for knowledge. That had died long ago.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNTEakLyQDb
But because I didn't want to look at you while you slept.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGsh2CCYR7
Your closeness reminded me of something that wasn't coming back.
At that age, you ruled with the unrelenting will of a strict queen. Your domain was the house. Your servants were defiance, volume, and the uncanny instinct to do exactly what I forbade.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEmklCJ670
I might have admired it, that unshakable insistence on self-determination, if you hadn't nearly set me on fire once.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Np7JTqeZH
With a beam of sunlight, reflected through a little mirror clutched in your chubby hands. Deliberately. I'm sure of it.
I tried to dress you. A simple white linen shirt, delicately embroidered. Style matters. Like a name, it reflects back on me if you looked like a common urchin. I couldn't allow that disgrace.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡob4LS7FT11
You stood still. Briefly.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzfM8eb3dS
Then you kicked me in the chest, tore the shirt off your head, and ran screaming through the house as if I'd cursed you with the plague.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0C02yr1840
I thought: "Refined motor control. Perhaps she'll become a surgeon. Or an executioner."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM0FvHDbvVK
I had stopped chasing you by then.
Later, you stood in the doorway of the study, where I was translating rare scrolls on alchemical formulas and symbols.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfV616nKnmh
If Grell brought them to market, discreetly and under a false name, they fetched me a handsome sum, and he kept twenty percent for the trouble. I offered him more, but he refused with the words:
"More is never more, Szandor. It's only heavier to carry.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBHTmeXrf4
What you own, owns you, godbless!"
I could've strangled him for his pseudo-intellectual wisdoms, but I had only just gotten up.
He handled the worldly matters while I indulged in my curse. Silently, I was grateful for his support with you. Sometimes he brought you new dresses from the market, knitted socks from old matrons who'd once had children of their own and most importantly: fresh food.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKj97fxmcWM
He even advised me on how to make pear or apple purée more digestible.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkBYWwt78Y7
Somehow, the frail old man fully embraced the role of grandfather.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡALZZPtD3bM
I let him. Why not?13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CJkZIPmAW
Far as I know, he never fathered any children of his own. You liked him. More than necessary, if you asked me. You sensed that he looked at you with warmer eyes than I ever did.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡatkyWTvpyR
Humans.
You were holding a spoon, your face smeared, probably with berry jam. Why?13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRDFUwwLyoL
Only your personal god of mischief knew.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCQfIC7KDW
I looked up from the parchment. Wanted to scold you. Clean you. Restore order.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3DRGz1rL4
But you just stared at me and said, casually: "Papa." One word. Just one. But it filled the room like fog. I froze. Blinked once. Twice.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijWUyml7vd
"What did you say?" I asked, too softly.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1umN4ickPJ
"Papa." You laughed. Pointed at my scrolls. You were in a playful mood. I said nothing. Got up. Took the spoon from your hand.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK9ZO5tKX1d
The smell of jam reached my nose, and a fragment of a memory rose up: someone once told me they liked redcurrant jelly. I no longer know if it was from a dream or something someone actually told me, perhaps even when I was still human. I didn't follow that thought. It didn't matter.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxEip3Bgjj
"I am not your father," I finally said. You blinked in confusion. I turned away and returned to the scrolls, feather tracing over parchment. Behind me, you said it again: "Papa?"13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJA9B39FAmW
But softer this time. As if the word itself had become forbidden.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeVyGtidghc
"I am not your father," I repeated. But it didn't sound convincing. It sounded like a wish.
In the background, I heard a raven shriek. I looked up.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEOjvs4U4XW
There it stood, at the window, watching, like a silent spectator at a play.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsjg5Lfgnw
I stared back. It stared at us, far too consciously for its kind. Ravens are intelligent creatures, yes, but this? Even I found it suspicious. How long had it been there?
You squealed, came closer to the window. "Caw!" you cried. It flew off again.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlHBABPJKuc
"That is a raven," I said with certainty.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRMBSZkk5QO
I was meticulous in teaching your words correctly from the start. Not like the nannies who spoke to children or animals as if they were mentally deficient. How is a child's mind supposed to reach its full potential if you treat it as though it can't understand rational language?
Your language bloomed. You didn't stop. You asked questions. Endless questions.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNUb7oItJx
Pointed everywhere with your finger, "What that?" I explained your environment with adult detachment. You'd understand eventually. There was no difference whether I spoke to Grellborn or to you. You babbled constantly. At first it was nonsense, wet sounds and gurgles. But eventually, tones emerged. Repetitions. Patterns.
I spoke to you often. But for selfish reasons. I wanted to have meaningful conversations with you someday. Discussions, philosophy. Civilized and cultivated.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ln85NkkPG
If you pointed at an animal in a book, I gave you the name, immediately. Not childish sounds, like nannies do. No, you learned: wolf, moon, silence.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmfrB5S3XHb
Also: hunger, thirst, and monster.
You stood barefoot on the rug in front of the fireplace, your finger raised like a little judge, jam stains on your chin.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwVKXg8R7j
"What that?" you asked.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5QdsUUyxxs
Your finger pointed to my wineglass. I looked at you. Seriously. The way one looks at a judge to whom one owes an answer.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOIYsn31Beg
"That is red wine," I said. "An ancient drink for depressive creatures like me."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcrQeXZ8Tx3
You nodded slowly. Then: "What in it?"13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ46fBXl7AQ9
"Fermented life." I lifted the glass, let it swirl, and clarified: "These were once grapes. They were crushed, left to ferment, and became alcohol. A controlled form of decay, you could say."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsDrfn0VrNm
You stared at me. I knew you hadn't understood a word of what I had just said.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlts7sYprsU
"Too?" You meant: may I have some? I shook my head.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcLGMCFBRME
"No. You drink milk. Yours is warm. Mine is... fermented."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZU8cWI6E9Y
You let the topic go. For now.
The real tyranny began in the evening.
Of all your little manipulations, this was one of the earliest and... most irritating.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLOPYwaJNPE
You sat in your little chair, carved from an old tree stump I had "restored" with cushions and scraps of silk.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlS2ql4eXfA
I handed you your warmed milk, just the way you liked it, and turned away.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJa4Wo9vL1
But you refused it. Completely. You crossed your arms, gave me what you seemed to think was a terrifying stare, and locked eyes with me.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm46cHv0HsO
"No" became your favorite word.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjP2jQ1kCo
"Are you trying to manipulate me?" I asked, slightly bewildered, slightly amused.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ30dHQFy8WB
You squealed. And threw the bottle. Aimed straight at my face. Naturally, you missed.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjW4uclb56C
So I picked it up, marched back, sighed dramatically, sat down and held you.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIchV9BfIJ
Not because you had softened me, mind you. No. But because if you starved yourself out of sheer stubbornness, the entire experiment would fail. And that would be... wasteful.
You drank blissfully in my arms, the bottle to your lips, grinning like an imp with a plan.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1y9iiQ0TFj
I thought, "This unbearable little goblin creature is toying with me."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4LSrKBP7UD
And right after: "If she actually starves herself out of spite, I'll throw her into the fire and raise a wolf instead. Would be simpler." Yes, I was irritated.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwmFLjo6q5T
Your demands had no logic, no strategy. Just pure entitlement of a toddler.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡup4aF2zI1a
But beneath the annoyance, something gnawed at me. Something I didn't want to name.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOavYGZiKu
When you finally drank, nestled in my coat, I sat there like a Madonna from one of those paintings but with dark circles under the eyes. I wasn't sentimental. Just... quiet.
Because you were content.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhiOEp2XDif
Because, for the first damned time, something under my care was thriving instead of withering.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMEmeUhAbq
It was bitter and sweet all at once, and I had no idea what to do with that.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtb3gyiPNPU
I held you. Not out of warmth. Out of function. Your little forehead rested against my chest.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIFxQejCuFH
I felt it and let it happen. Like rain you ignore because you have no protection.
While you lay in my arms, I thought of Isadora. And her letter. It had branded itself into me, resurfacing in quiet moments.
I held no real grudge against Grellborn. Not truly. He'd known me too well, even back then.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcRLu6Kge5P
I wouldn't have wanted to know why she left. Not at the time.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCivRdmDAD
I would've torn him apart. Myself. Everything around me.
And somewhere inside, I still heard her words, like a splinter I couldn't pull out, so I did what I always did: I tried to ignore it, until it fell out on its own. If it ever did.
I never understood her. She was wounded. Venomous. Bitter.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS0zEqYBeVm
A being who had murdered her creator with her bare hands. How foolish must one be to love such a thing?
She was always... dramatic in her silence. I would've preferred a fight. An honest one.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlQdMaBA28r
Screaming, words like daggers, shattered glass and accusations.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87vw3xepXp
Tears you despise as they fall. Something that proved life.
Instead... nothing came. Only silence. Like frost flowers spreading across a windowpane.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZ1vVDyR5T
She froze when overwhelmed. She wrote when she should have spoken.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6APfVtSlP
She left as if decades of companionship meant nothing.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVTXpRr13n
And now I'm supposed to believe she left because I failed to see something?13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3OgWOVl86
She always saw herself as the eternal victim of her own circumstances.
As if I were responsible for her suffering. No. I gave her space. I never chained her, never pressured her. I was there. Always present. Never like her creator, quite the opposite.
I never wanted to be her savior. A companion, yes. But she always came with those unspoken demands: Szandor, hold me. Szandor, kiss me. Szandor, embrace me.
She never understood that I had already given everything I could give. My time. My patience. My... restraint. What more did she want? A fairytale? I was no knight, no hero. Never had been.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpOYBRaDBzi
And I was no monster either... at least not to her. And if that wasn't enough for her, then the problem wasn't mine. So she left. And now she wants me to ask why.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡotSBfdEos8
I ask nothing.
Not while you lie in my arms, a small flame in a godforsaken crypt.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMmXelMSef1
Not while, for the first time in decades, something... stays.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAadQVLBui9
Not while I finally have something that isn't her.
She left a void in me. You don't fill it. But you distract me. And that's more than she ever could.
I hate her. Because she knows me. Because she left. Because I never truly had her.
And perhaps that is why I could never hold you the way a loving mother would.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpKqGJPtsyb
Not like someone who warms.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhStxqPgTJ
But like someone who understands that attachment is just another word for later decay.
What you own, owns you.
13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9bp6N8u4g
