Your hair had that shimmer in the sun when we played outside, even though it was darker than mine. I liked how it caught the light, gave your hair something special. It reminded me of chestnuts on a sunny autumn day.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jSEuypPWI
I think you were fifteen, maybe I was seven, I don't really remember. But I was supposed to start school soon, that summer.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSaoV0o3my
I wore your old sandals, way too big for me, but you had said they were fine. I'd grow into them. You were right.
"You know, Rik... sometimes I just feel like shit," you said, just like that, as if it were a perfectly normal thing to say while walking through the woods to our spot. It made me feel uneasy inside.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMeg02afkzV
"You can't say that!" I hissed, glancing over my shoulder, and at the same time, you stopped walking. You looked at me, wide-eyed.
"Oh no!" you cried, lifting your arms and gazing up to the sky like a repenting nun. You looked like those holy women in the old paintings in the Leader's office: serene and glowing, but also somehow sad, like someone smiling while wanting to cry. "I said a bad word! Father, let me confess, I must cleanse my soul before it begins to rot!" You threw yourself backwards into the leaves like a rabid maggot, coughing as if you were dying.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK55z3aX7BJ
You spat into the moss. "Oh no! Shhh, brother, I'm coughing up blood! It's over..."58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN0Xx3MJRJF
I just stood there, panicking, looking around to see if anyone had heard us. "Sybelle! Stop it! Don't be so... so..."58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xNk7mBXwF
You twitched one last time and went completely still. Looking back, it was a brilliant performance, but I was only seven and still easy to impress.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtdWM28MHn6
"Sybbi? Get up! Please!" My voice was getting more and more desperate. "Please don't be so... so..." I knelt down and tried to shake you. I think you even held your breath to be extra convincing.
"So honest?" you asked suddenly, eyes wide open, scaring the breath out of me.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzllszTLfji
"Sibby, cut it out!" I yelled, now angry.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfC9cC9aocV
You stood back up, brushing the leaves off your pastel robe, still with some in your hair.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBtHRFUP40N
"I just said how I feel. That's not a crime," you said casually, without anger or defiance, and we started walking again.
I looked at you, and for a moment, you seemed older. Like you knew something I couldn't yet understand.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz78c7DJZlE
"But if someone hears us..." I whispered.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXkmQ3A3zz
You shrugged, like none of it mattered. Then you bent down and picked up a large branch to use as a walking stick.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmeelO53N3
"Then let them. I've smiled enough for today."58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UWi7TZHI2
You looked like a wild hermit, or a queen gone feral, stripped of her court. I had to walk a bit faster to keep up.
You waited for me without a word. Slowed your pace so I could stay beside you.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGPloQqGH9
As we walked in silence, you didn't look at me.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4MspZldvlw
"Rik," you whispered softly. "I know you feel like that too sometimes. And that's okay."58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNtMMamlc4
I didn't respond.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmaqLndzT9
You smiled. Not like usual, but just with your eyes. "You just don't want to say it yet."
It was confusing. You always questioned everything we had been taught.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD6x8Kpv1jz
And then it was quiet again. Only the birds above us, their songs, the crunch of the forest floor under our feet, and somewhere in my stomach, a feeling I couldn't name yet.
We walked in silence until we reached our favorite clearing by the river and lay on our stomachs in the grass.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqiA6ZvQMSK
It was one of those afternoons that were too bright and too still, and I didn't want to do anything but breathe, be in the sun, and swim in the river.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdViIcoRmb
You absentmindedly picked a clump of grass and stuck it in your mouth like some old farmer. Then that look came into your eyes; the one that always meant trouble was coming.
"Have you heard of Saint Absurdus?" you asked out of nowhere.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxvSWYzWpud
I shook my head.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTBdPYzwF2
"He was a real saint. Official and everything. Candles, feast days, and all that shit."58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJP9WGTKroG
You leaned toward me, conspiratorially. "He never sheared his sheep. Just let their wool grow. Kept growing and growing."58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUWMX0Xro41
I frowned.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIGo0Ku3TeE
You pointed at the sky like you were showing me something grand.
"Imagine what a sheep looks like if no one ever shears it. Like an exploded marshmallow!"58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Rt56ejKfg
You giggled to yourself. I found the image funny too.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zDYXIysSp
"And if anyone asked why he did it, he just said, 'I want to see how big they get when no one cuts them down.' And imagine, Rik, those sheep", your eyes lit up with excitement, "those sheep got so big, they started rolling down hills like fluffy avalanches, and no one could stop them. They just got too big and wild!"
Back then I didn't know you made it all up. I nodded because you sounded so sure. I believed you, of course. Everything you said was magic.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4t6Gs12Uwo
Now I know it was nonsense, and maybe a bit mean to fill a little boy's head with made-up stories. But I guess that's what big sisters do.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJo0UeKPUUa
You looked at me, and for a second, you weren't just my sister. There was something wild in your face.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hNDHZLTN6
I know now you were trying to prepare me for something I wouldn't understand for years.
"You're one of those sheep too, Rik. Don't let anyone shear you."58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡduOs76wBhG
And then you spat into the grass like Saint Absurdus himself was blessing his fluffy flock.58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQf4x7OuJ7
And I didn't know why, but in that moment... I felt whole.
58Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWjBmCXjkS
