Your hair had that shimmer in the sun when we played outside, even though it was darker than mine. I liked how it caught the light, gave your hair something special. It reminded me of chestnuts on a sunny autumn day.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3VGkQXiOkv
I think you were fifteen, maybe I was seven, I don't really remember. But I was supposed to start school soon, that summer.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP25jB4a2k1
I wore your old sandals, way too big for me, but you had said they were fine. I'd grow into them. You were right.
"You know, Rik... sometimes I just feel like shit," you said, just like that, as if it were a perfectly normal thing to say while walking through the woods to our spot. It made me feel uneasy inside.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHr4acmQ2m4
"You can't say that!" I hissed, glancing over my shoulder, and at the same time, you stopped walking. You looked at me, wide-eyed.
"Oh no!" you cried, lifting your arms and gazing up to the sky like a repenting nun. You looked like those holy women in the old paintings in the Leader's office: serene and glowing, but also somehow sad, like someone smiling while wanting to cry. "I said a bad word! Father, let me confess, I must cleanse my soul before it begins to rot!" You threw yourself backwards into the leaves like a rabid maggot, coughing as if you were dying.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrtvd062PU
You spat into the moss. "Oh no! Shhh, brother, I'm coughing up blood! It's over..."11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0NIFc2yet6
I just stood there, panicking, looking around to see if anyone had heard us. "Sybelle! Stop it! Don't be so... so..."11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXmtjen5OXq
You twitched one last time and went completely still. Looking back, it was a brilliant performance, but I was only seven and still easy to impress.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMYG1Z59mXb
"Sybbi? Get up! Please!" My voice was getting more and more desperate. "Please don't be so... so..." I knelt down and tried to shake you. I think you even held your breath to be extra convincing.
"So honest?" you asked suddenly, eyes wide open, scaring the breath out of me.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfcjSWIbvs8
"Sibby, cut it out!" I yelled, now angry.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡju8xVvNWQR
You stood back up, brushing the leaves off your pastel robe, still with some in your hair.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5iKjOZYq2
"I just said how I feel. That's not a crime," you said casually, without anger or defiance, and we started walking again.
I looked at you, and for a moment, you seemed older. Like you knew something I couldn't yet understand.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8D3q4ypFcR
"But if someone hears us..." I whispered.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWsiwRRYYb
You shrugged, like none of it mattered. Then you bent down and picked up a large branch to use as a walking stick.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8IYIQu9FI
"Then let them. I've smiled enough for today."11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIAOdn1oWNH
You looked like a wild hermit, or a queen gone feral, stripped of her court. I had to walk a bit faster to keep up.
You waited for me without a word. Slowed your pace so I could stay beside you.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhKlaM8ljPD
As we walked in silence, you didn't look at me.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFFKCLk0zAK
"Rik," you whispered softly. "I know you feel like that too sometimes. And that's okay."11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HXmfK4Hnr
I didn't respond.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJg0aBSeXuQ
You smiled. Not like usual, but just with your eyes. "You just don't want to say it yet."
It was confusing. You always questioned everything we had been taught.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlwRIvjI7FU
And then it was quiet again. Only the birds above us, their songs, the crunch of the forest floor under our feet, and somewhere in my stomach, a feeling I couldn't name yet.
We walked in silence until we reached our favorite clearing by the river and lay on our stomachs in the grass.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKl66BwkQXx
It was one of those afternoons that were too bright and too still, and I didn't want to do anything but breathe, be in the sun, and swim in the river.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgJUPTOlrN
You absentmindedly picked a clump of grass and stuck it in your mouth like some old farmer. Then that look came into your eyes; the one that always meant trouble was coming.
"Have you heard of Saint Absurdus?" you asked out of nowhere.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS6X28e0hsM
I shook my head.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrRc6R9Qs5
"He was a real saint. Official and everything. Candles, feast days, and all that shit."11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSFdrPylBY
You leaned toward me, conspiratorially. "He never sheared his sheep. Just let their wool grow. Kept growing and growing."11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHoFXvxCnWR
I frowned.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6mqTsVEx5
You pointed at the sky like you were showing me something grand.
"Imagine what a sheep looks like if no one ever shears it. Like an exploded marshmallow!"11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu5Yw3ov8RQ
You giggled to yourself. I found the image funny too.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwEIfParlw
"And if anyone asked why he did it, he just said, 'I want to see how big they get when no one cuts them down.' And imagine, Rik, those sheep", your eyes lit up with excitement, "those sheep got so big, they started rolling down hills like fluffy avalanches, and no one could stop them. They just got too big and wild!"
Back then I didn't know you made it all up. I nodded because you sounded so sure. I believed you, of course. Everything you said was magic.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKQ6KBX734
Now I know it was nonsense, and maybe a bit mean to fill a little boy's head with made-up stories. But I guess that's what big sisters do.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡty3fXFlZUn
You looked at me, and for a second, you weren't just my sister. There was something wild in your face.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ZuNyCCn5p
I know now you were trying to prepare me for something I wouldn't understand for years.
"You're one of those sheep too, Rik. Don't let anyone shear you."11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ZZdCfzZ8o
And then you spat into the grass like Saint Absurdus himself was blessing his fluffy flock.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6D7GyLLRMm
And I didn't know why, but in that moment... I felt whole.
11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAXtclkoP8X
