Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfech9YIQJb
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4cqzIe7Uvn
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FhxJs2vQW
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMNWhMqzYxx
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxLYBa1yzG
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmVxeX0rHsB
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkLSZKTkUTs
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOYCDl7eZh
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCl3YZL3jou
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFzauSJ9XW
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3WMEESORiY
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡteuB75BGw5
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ51KKOdhM5s
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdHTWwrfit
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxVXLDSXzxx
66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8p4quLobDQ
"Everything is growth"66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvWxPplnh7
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUbRYBwwxTJ
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTaLRLD0DN
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpcCJRuNNEQ
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGIzhOTxunm
I wonder what part of that is alive.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ33st70FYA4
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjZh0Y78J4T
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEeJFCL7BNQ
There is no other point in this community.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhcZ6EUFz5z
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeN3V0qe6do
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsLQaljv2gP
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7JWcj5Apb
Whatever that's supposed to mean.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2mXTCDDx9e
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbHWoRKnYVf
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHNZP7cpFA
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡumPTIr8Obw
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoPpx7bcWD1
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXJJBzSv6Da
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNI878xpUV
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7cbZVa8Fe2
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8gs9SEOuP
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLPW9MIXyS8
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwIqygxUgeL
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ622VffytYt
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZPh9aBZkX
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOwJMGgfl88
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZJuHKfwv8
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKDdcTWczRM
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhzp4oRf9T
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
66Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7pu94Ng3vM
