Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSo1KCwpH1z
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbrOveZmZTA
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcm0ppGh4un
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESVgQPHnac
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fgzZskJM1
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MH8UafoVY
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaooSycxHaW
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Ix49e1NfG
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaR0EziG5D
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS6qgS5AkLt
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHSJrBryGiv
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJ18EehMjA
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuqfQDoEiYK
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsC2dYd80MH
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDf0SeiNjGb
135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mmjCcdTWi
"Everything is growth"135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqjP8JbBWn
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt1vByUxBnD
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrpukpOXWd
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrCQV0biw53
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX9F3JWwrCk
I wonder what part of that is alive.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7XlYMwqlSM
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNvGE6zl9w
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FDm3YFNx5
There is no other point in this community.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLz48YMuB20
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKDtHtCK7Jc
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1QPfaMPEK
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBFZ3tkbex5
Whatever that's supposed to mean.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfeC8PjervQ
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArfwe91PoP
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMpOhTxb3vJ
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi91YArm3HA
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfPhJRW8qZj
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7lzD15BqnA
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl4LUxGDr5a
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWB6ec6wkVg
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx2ik9bBHvQ
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVLJnLATst
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwtmUKNth9
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1ZzRBxtiB
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3iq2A2W3bV
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6auAPO44XH
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvtvzasz4s
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpO2ep38Dvt
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT9GbBqvXJA
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
135Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJGlqu7pp0
