Of course I start to ask questions. 17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡreL7Zdvkfs
Of course I wonder where you are. 17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmVsYnk1gqi
Of course I miss you.
You always knew I would, didn't you?
In the quiet moments, I sometimes hear your voice, even though I know you're not here. Why I still speak to you in my thoughts, my big sister, I don't quite know. Or why I believe you can hear me.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZB1erSgE2w
Maybe because the silence around me is slowly but surely becoming unbearable.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwILpTMWusZ
The community teaches us to ignore such negative thoughts, to bury them deep and replace them with positive ones.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4ypmG1TAU
But you were always the one who made me think, even if I never really showed it. You asked questions back then... and those questions are coming back now.
It's this kind of deafening silence, where you can no longer block out all the noises. Like a cacophony of artificial noise trying to suppress the natural melodies of life, from what is true, instinctively even. Over the years, it's becoming more and more overwhelming.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtiiP1Xw7op
Do I have to first overcome the silence in order to hear melodies of truth?17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTJQdfQ4v7
And what would I find there? It terrifies me to my core, yet it can't be worse than here.
You know, I believed them. The words we heard every day, the rituals we performed. It felt so right when I was a little boy, a younger version of myself, from whom I have now distanced myself. I feel no connection to that young man anymore.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0iHbfWVFMe
Every mantra is just repetition, an empty shell they want to sell us as truth.
17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN2ChQLkcWT
"Every experience I have is perfect for my growth!"
"Appreciate the abundance in your life!"17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP9t2X6PeGU
17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWysuqMxqED
"Manifest the positive!"
I can't hear it anymore. This bullshit doesn't make sense anymore. Imagine eating soup with a fork. Nothing substantial sticks with me anymore, nothing fulfills me. Mother doesn't understand. She notices how I'm distancing myself and tries to pull me back, like they all do.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1kdRYDjg7A
"Yorick, come to our gathering tonight," she says, her voice subtly filled with sorrow.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgk1krUcFGP
"You need to find peace and happiness, like the others." But I don't find peace anymore. How can I, when every smile feels fake, and every hug only feels cold and mechanical? They want us to believe we're free, but I've never felt more trapped in this cage of artificial happiness.
Live, Love, Laugh. Puke.
I drag myself through the gatherings, nodding obediently, pretending to take it all seriously. It's easier than explaining myself. Easier than seeing the disappointment in their eyes or hearing the whispers behind my back. I think they know it; they see the doubt in my eyes, the hesitation in my voice. I used to believe I belonged, as if I had a purpose. Now, I feel like just another cog in a machine that continues to pretend everything is fine.
But I can't just leave. Not with all these unanswered questions, not with your memory still haunting me everywhere.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaN4UZFtYxo
Do you remember when you first doubted? You took me aside, like so often, when we played outside in the woods just behind our trailer. I was little but even you were a still a kid yourself. You told me that you believed we were living a great lie and that this world was simply... wrong. I didn't believe you then, but I never judged you for your opinion. Today I know you were right. Everything is always too perfect. Too bright. They call it bliss, but it's not real, and it never was.
I remember the last time I saw you. Before they took you away. You were different. Your eyes were tired, but they burned wildly, I didn't understand it. You told me not to worry. You told me everything would be fine. I wasn't sure.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzUqz6VUTAU
It was never supposed to be like this, Sybelle. You should have stayed with me. You were always there, explaining things to me that I didn't understand. But you explained things in a way I could understand. 17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3hePUinM4
You never judged me for my feelings, not like the others. And I never judged yours. We were each other's little paradise, where no feeling was "sinful." But now you're gone. From the moment you became uncomfortable to them, they took you away.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9RbZN0qEsO
I'm still here, surrounded by all of it, pretending to believe what they think is right. I recite their mantras, force my smile, swallow my doubts.
But I can't stop asking: what really happened to you? Why couldn't I protect you, like I promised back then? They say you're having experiences for your growth now. I can't help but believe they're lying to me. And I wonder what other lies I've been told.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLp7ZmsZsbN
I am alone with these thoughts, thoughts I can't share with anyone, because they'd call me "too negative," and that's a mortal sin. They'd try to intervene. You're not allowed to ask questions here. It's wrong to feel anything other than bright happiness and joy. Yet a darkness spreads inside me, and I wonder if you would still be proud of me, or if you would tell me to leave this place.
I miss you. More than words can describe. And yet, all that's left of you are my memories and the tormenting questions. I wish I could ignore them, but when I try, they only get more insistent.
I'm not the boy I once was.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3SFOKVf9sI
I'm not the boy who felt so comfortable among the shining, smiling faces. I want to scream at them, tell them to stop pretending.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoPRC4jiuqk
I want to make them realize I'm suffocating in these lies. But I don't know how. So I stay quiet and play my part. But every day it's harder to breathe.
I promise you, I will find the truth.
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