Your hair had that shimmer in the sun when we played outside, even though it was darker than mine. I liked how it caught the light, gave your hair something special. It reminded me of chestnuts on a sunny autumn day.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqctxpId9rU
I think you were fifteen, maybe I was seven, I don't really remember. But I was supposed to start school soon, that summer.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBxq2KBHRt
I wore your old sandals, way too big for me, but you had said they were fine. I'd grow into them. You were right.
"You know, Rik... sometimes I just feel like shit," you said, just like that, as if it were a perfectly normal thing to say while walking through the woods to our spot. It made me feel uneasy inside.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7Maj8vizX
"You can't say that!" I hissed, glancing over my shoulder, and at the same time, you stopped walking. You looked at me, wide-eyed.
"Oh no!" you cried, lifting your arms and gazing up to the sky like a repenting nun. You looked like those holy women in the old paintings in the Leader's office: serene and glowing, but also somehow sad, like someone smiling while wanting to cry. "I said a bad word! Father, let me confess, I must cleanse my soul before it begins to rot!" You threw yourself backwards into the leaves like a rabid maggot, coughing as if you were dying.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRmD0i6FgH0
You spat into the moss. "Oh no! Shhh, brother, I'm coughing up blood! It's over..."21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8dL33grGYW
I just stood there, panicking, looking around to see if anyone had heard us. "Sybelle! Stop it! Don't be so... so..."21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbbNkFexVL
You twitched one last time and went completely still. Looking back, it was a brilliant performance, but I was only seven and still easy to impress.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm9itbDXN4t
"Sybbi? Get up! Please!" My voice was getting more and more desperate. "Please don't be so... so..." I knelt down and tried to shake you. I think you even held your breath to be extra convincing.
"So honest?" you asked suddenly, eyes wide open, scaring the breath out of me.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJDzg71lu6
"Sibby, cut it out!" I yelled, now angry.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZP08fjInS
You stood back up, brushing the leaves off your pastel robe, still with some in your hair.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWbkHV3CZZ
"I just said how I feel. That's not a crime," you said casually, without anger or defiance, and we started walking again.
I looked at you, and for a moment, you seemed older. Like you knew something I couldn't yet understand.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wBovU5yRs
"But if someone hears us..." I whispered.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCJEp6dQgDX
You shrugged, like none of it mattered. Then you bent down and picked up a large branch to use as a walking stick.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlLTtmBWuAY
"Then let them. I've smiled enough for today."21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8IBl8dneg
You looked like a wild hermit, or a queen gone feral, stripped of her court. I had to walk a bit faster to keep up.
You waited for me without a word. Slowed your pace so I could stay beside you.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl5SEjLdFUk
As we walked in silence, you didn't look at me.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCQwDBoyff
"Rik," you whispered softly. "I know you feel like that too sometimes. And that's okay."21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnnSYYggrhs
I didn't respond.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Y21klFK7F
You smiled. Not like usual, but just with your eyes. "You just don't want to say it yet."
It was confusing. You always questioned everything we had been taught.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW6R07PdWi8
And then it was quiet again. Only the birds above us, their songs, the crunch of the forest floor under our feet, and somewhere in my stomach, a feeling I couldn't name yet.
We walked in silence until we reached our favorite clearing by the river and lay on our stomachs in the grass.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhEu8Lb0Wy
It was one of those afternoons that were too bright and too still, and I didn't want to do anything but breathe, be in the sun, and swim in the river.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr9zgEhS3m8
You absentmindedly picked a clump of grass and stuck it in your mouth like some old farmer. Then that look came into your eyes; the one that always meant trouble was coming.
"Have you heard of Saint Absurdus?" you asked out of nowhere.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYp9Cwody8x
I shook my head.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM6vBQSyVkv
"He was a real saint. Official and everything. Candles, feast days, and all that shit."21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9HLrtNMANY
You leaned toward me, conspiratorially. "He never sheared his sheep. Just let their wool grow. Kept growing and growing."21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVO3Bpd5Ay
I frowned.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqVsWCNlHW
You pointed at the sky like you were showing me something grand.
"Imagine what a sheep looks like if no one ever shears it. Like an exploded marshmallow!"21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1f8BA1Pcs
You giggled to yourself. I found the image funny too.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8uBoAap0d
"And if anyone asked why he did it, he just said, 'I want to see how big they get when no one cuts them down.' And imagine, Rik, those sheep", your eyes lit up with excitement, "those sheep got so big, they started rolling down hills like fluffy avalanches, and no one could stop them. They just got too big and wild!"
Back then I didn't know you made it all up. I nodded because you sounded so sure. I believed you, of course. Everything you said was magic.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy4whvaMjj3
Now I know it was nonsense, and maybe a bit mean to fill a little boy's head with made-up stories. But I guess that's what big sisters do.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHRQOJzqqFH
You looked at me, and for a second, you weren't just my sister. There was something wild in your face.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fWzt4xdTW
I know now you were trying to prepare me for something I wouldn't understand for years.
"You're one of those sheep too, Rik. Don't let anyone shear you."21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnaGYhZXdt
And then you spat into the grass like Saint Absurdus himself was blessing his fluffy flock.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCoE5TZqN0
And I didn't know why, but in that moment... I felt whole.
21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMysUadK01T
