Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Ks4gvkeyc
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4NxbzEH9qG
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAhXToEjnaw
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlRYkdcuHmL
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQYaXokBLiz
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPsL0sB5PI
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvqdV3b7wtL
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSRsJJB0PMG
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeXRV8oLAlS
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2DJ6ATA2bP
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7gt29HeMaC
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGGfmczOpxL
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7h2FWAbk1
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl9nW7lzh9T
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunY0iK0N1g
126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb4FzwUGs1T
"Everything is growth"126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRpupFfVtl
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVQu8EovhgA
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfKwGdCiOYr
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwGhnHnhKim
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTwME4UQmh
I wonder what part of that is alive.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzs4U9q04hH
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNKILUhdocT
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq95iESYd2s
There is no other point in this community.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR3L2wXLloi
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKlSVXiFed4
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQ1wdSSTTq
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD9N9tkiHbB
Whatever that's supposed to mean.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZePvAAgD2J
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYVwGQtxoOQ
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs26o4Xa7hj
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmdLVTs1xS
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Wnk2epxru
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2fHmBvYkYL
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZb4zjGTzQc
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1yxZtvenl
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS9P4e4nfS9
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCj4eYu2GR
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tbeGMKaiC
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXoBFPEpVQj
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0A7LSFM7B
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdm05rJGale
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ806SG9a0Vy
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVtaOaGTK2q
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiFLV5KxGPm
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
126Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XQknmfZBp
