Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU03T7ZY9pZ
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8wd2Eeveo
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtpuHm6Qtn0
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnIfPT1j68j
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrMFXyU7uS6
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX8zZwxLJJ8
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeHON6pYiCE
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZr0Np2CY1
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBFFHNvUXB
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA5MhJO7fbe
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡau4i3dVr7B
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkT0xRVLPoV
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvet4tXLbec
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGOX5L84DLu
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5O5azvJcUY
64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQZceW00f5
"Everything is growth"64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBMFrDAyjH
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJu5eZQTIYg
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuuYDdFH3fB
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jtEILJetz
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIjfFIgoZXl
I wonder what part of that is alive.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyfHe6CNNbU
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmhaDGn6i5
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ525Vn68gUw
There is no other point in this community.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXaeRPf3IUY
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4vToRVaYT
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbqZ7FBr5lW
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBvw5L8n1K
Whatever that's supposed to mean.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3MNvxnElf
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvu7noNvA7
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTeclLvpjXV
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQRtipUSDc
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGSzAamb3h
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WQVqD81pr
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmG2M4gxokl
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxOqcUc587u
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIlhprqU5qa
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡefYDAYxXJp
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhG6ojPBgZ9
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJiEu1ksGaR
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTLoW5rJOy
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYkuN9IA0RW
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaji8Im8Lmk
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPV2Gjqel75
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhRXS8F4dOl
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmE0FoXNcYm
