Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXp8dfFzVll
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGj9aggwD02
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu07cy81Q9v
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNKuykPrax
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAWJhII3dC
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMObSLXqDTB
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Xqo4nLPFa
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8P5MWJgtdn
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNnzkSqpUZ
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡef7V4v13W0
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAuk9ml7Rp
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡooioc1nXCo
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpqipHoRt7j
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡARIwF8ONAR
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHZUYyMg9I
13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYIp4UHkD5i
"Everything is growth"13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrIktCb30p
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ61LeD5esfE
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQvu8EOyhX
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRl38IIeiF
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy75QkcrrWx
I wonder what part of that is alive.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLX4zuCEINM
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLY1u7PhUx7
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzRD0zPOIae
There is no other point in this community.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7hOYdw3cs
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFOcXzFEpA
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6VrbDK2Wq
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcR6Oq4dshx
Whatever that's supposed to mean.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAW7iR4jJXz
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc074C8fnKQ
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ7nDszKDQf
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjkLKtRyYH
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOM1Aeu6z7
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pPgtjiLEL
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttOv5gyRr2
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI01IvmDhWJ
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJXIUguQhz
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvME0aOvtd
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34E62CKpDt
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡebx6FtFlmV
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFTDSd0uq5
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡerZ0qzJHFt
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6BMSQvV5s
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYBBDk1UTP
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Kc4RwDBCy
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPaV3bV3ejP
