Your hair had that shimmer in the sun when we played outside, even though it was darker than mine. I liked how it caught the light, gave your hair something special. It reminded me of chestnuts on a sunny autumn day.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs3GxRbHmAX
I think you were fifteen, maybe I was seven, I don't really remember. But I was supposed to start school soon, that summer.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDEIkoA7AW
I wore your old sandals, way too big for me, but you had said they were fine. I'd grow into them. You were right.
"You know, Rik... sometimes I just feel like shit," you said, just like that, as if it were a perfectly normal thing to say while walking through the woods to our spot. It made me feel uneasy inside.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL94Ji6bYhM
"You can't say that!" I hissed, glancing over my shoulder, and at the same time, you stopped walking. You looked at me, wide-eyed.
"Oh no!" you cried, lifting your arms and gazing up to the sky like a repenting nun. You looked like those holy women in the old paintings in the Leader's office: serene and glowing, but also somehow sad, like someone smiling while wanting to cry. "I said a bad word! Father, let me confess, I must cleanse my soul before it begins to rot!" You threw yourself backwards into the leaves like a rabid maggot, coughing as if you were dying.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJDsUYUk8Z
You spat into the moss. "Oh no! Shhh, brother, I'm coughing up blood! It's over..."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZV0UZSapNw
I just stood there, panicking, looking around to see if anyone had heard us. "Sybelle! Stop it! Don't be so... so..."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKqbJLN60y
You twitched one last time and went completely still. Looking back, it was a brilliant performance, but I was only seven and still easy to impress.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5v0wCUnZP
"Sybbi? Get up! Please!" My voice was getting more and more desperate. "Please don't be so... so..." I knelt down and tried to shake you. I think you even held your breath to be extra convincing.
"So honest?" you asked suddenly, eyes wide open, scaring the breath out of me.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ0wonpnxPt
"Sibby, cut it out!" I yelled, now angry.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXIWqDWF8mj
You stood back up, brushing the leaves off your pastel robe, still with some in your hair.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1Ydp3ptP5
"I just said how I feel. That's not a crime," you said casually, without anger or defiance, and we started walking again.
I looked at you, and for a moment, you seemed older. Like you knew something I couldn't yet understand.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ04V9LHqU5I
"But if someone hears us..." I whispered.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz3d7ZUNjQX
You shrugged, like none of it mattered. Then you bent down and picked up a large branch to use as a walking stick.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7FmkzmaF1v
"Then let them. I've smiled enough for today."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS9ddfQSc6m
You looked like a wild hermit, or a queen gone feral, stripped of her court. I had to walk a bit faster to keep up.
You waited for me without a word. Slowed your pace so I could stay beside you.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6txEzb8Sk
As we walked in silence, you didn't look at me.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJH1xh3CMp
"Rik," you whispered softly. "I know you feel like that too sometimes. And that's okay."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcMPZxXBt11
I didn't respond.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwq23rN0r0B
You smiled. Not like usual, but just with your eyes. "You just don't want to say it yet."
It was confusing. You always questioned everything we had been taught.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzeSD4jaIw
And then it was quiet again. Only the birds above us, their songs, the crunch of the forest floor under our feet, and somewhere in my stomach, a feeling I couldn't name yet.
We walked in silence until we reached our favorite clearing by the river and lay on our stomachs in the grass.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7SL4ymG6Xd
It was one of those afternoons that were too bright and too still, and I didn't want to do anything but breathe, be in the sun, and swim in the river.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtNSfOlnBN4
You absentmindedly picked a clump of grass and stuck it in your mouth like some old farmer. Then that look came into your eyes; the one that always meant trouble was coming.
"Have you heard of Saint Absurdus?" you asked out of nowhere.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7OcLm7DHr
I shook my head.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNLNLhJGjpF
"He was a real saint. Official and everything. Candles, feast days, and all that shit."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwCtFFzNgRU
You leaned toward me, conspiratorially. "He never sheared his sheep. Just let their wool grow. Kept growing and growing."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJCIr8gdJq
I frowned.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5sXuCNQUUh
You pointed at the sky like you were showing me something grand.
"Imagine what a sheep looks like if no one ever shears it. Like an exploded marshmallow!"16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGXxkPb9gRn
You giggled to yourself. I found the image funny too.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfgC1GCJcs
"And if anyone asked why he did it, he just said, 'I want to see how big they get when no one cuts them down.' And imagine, Rik, those sheep", your eyes lit up with excitement, "those sheep got so big, they started rolling down hills like fluffy avalanches, and no one could stop them. They just got too big and wild!"
Back then I didn't know you made it all up. I nodded because you sounded so sure. I believed you, of course. Everything you said was magic.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsddF3NGCVY
Now I know it was nonsense, and maybe a bit mean to fill a little boy's head with made-up stories. But I guess that's what big sisters do.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ042AIaUFwI
You looked at me, and for a second, you weren't just my sister. There was something wild in your face.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaOQyRcqMW8
I know now you were trying to prepare me for something I wouldn't understand for years.
"You're one of those sheep too, Rik. Don't let anyone shear you."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiE6W8OszNg
And then you spat into the grass like Saint Absurdus himself was blessing his fluffy flock.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRBPAVGua7I
And I didn't know why, but in that moment... I felt whole.
16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡff8YBRKSos
