穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz47vm1DXIa
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKuRUZRgoY
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ik2EtkfQm
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxoMT6e0dz
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq3NTdHintR
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtosdreHNi
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEjJwp3WnV6
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQAP4NbC7u
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfenlQqsEn
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfLdC04vbL
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8gRIXLyYRs
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB12AQEFZMb
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMo09O33oM
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSKLrMjYq2
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrII2p9Dq16
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHabPdzDxE
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNo3j6Ces9s
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCtrig6lBlq
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTCaqz3VzpL
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7gB4gVhZQW
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HHkoweyDf
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpkEu7IG7xi
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsix88GXzE5
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFNP7c6Wl7
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlQHEbXLwY
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfng3rRNb9r
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRDtCjGlnMf
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtPU4CtdeOe
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQJh3sEbbil
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWdcW3HG1Bo
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmdGfpwQAh
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXG1E6JAvPU
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tWM4Q6z0i
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjBHdmwkcKI
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmoqvkk1UyJ
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCq20b7q619
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmsNwAqyzR
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiUe6cVzj4v
「鍾意你。」他說。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXymMjWWklF
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHoFZk5FMp
「我都係。」她應。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQppO7hXAA0
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTEwnB5LtfD
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Qirx9JjLV
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTp27dYWhia
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoLUns19ywC
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPB5EguRI7
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNPkNlR1QHD
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxIz8OeFe3
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtbW07gKvsM
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbyFtqiAAwD
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWbY4eOPP10
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3dJ60ggrux
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ruP2yyMm7
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSCo1X8gdq
二人過後做愛、入睡。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFxUcVTZENr
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSuOGzcg9C
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0h6m09XVe
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHaAWhsKO4P
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuIpFgAtess
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeu3o5MNuSx
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfC55Jwy0hJ
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaEB5XFVtr6
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg1klpqbRUY
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4a51djTmn
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNIhrtS103
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yFGSPsfuE
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLiXR8HU00m
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8J4NPEkYRp
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvb6VZFbWcj
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiavQ6bvazn
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvKg8FgT7r
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMBQcGZYF7
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLZjHo4Ojj
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYIR5fjBWZF
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRELcN491K
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGIo2HnO3Y5
她糊糊塗塗。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonXu9K6Cwl
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfIhBzASAT
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbD3bzVDxuE
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb7V85hPFkD
最怕空虛。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTs2PlFvLBQ
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOxE9PJ3IN4
/429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfUPBZhetF1
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVVLJgNhoX3
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpYjRF7A0I
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEid1vjh4A
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRfDr7RL4Ob
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfUbc5ijXTa
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRy8s2iNJql
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmVZrJDhRQ1
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJd4kVzJPAC
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiuK12ISeS1
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5bOfPXLqhJ
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VBIBpGRJJ
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUsi5wTgwzc
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJBxfb4eW2
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJWo2qaPJKb
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlEPsjrVxHK
她不過在日常之中夢遊。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5SZCuqQDYk
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZaop4dJfE
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFaOHFBDT3V
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuc6NHUXSxz
「上年12月開始。」429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BRCUpgwHX
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlgtNUKnihH
「頻率係？」429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5LddMYfHAH
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl2iM5Mas22
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0yMPiT0Sl
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXU5mjAYJRB
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo2ByHUEVp3
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOHTAv66Gw
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUp7GEzKTFX
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbwkKGyRdMe
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3C37lDLLtd
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnGqICNe46
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMfAq2J6xg
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFYhl5z7FXy
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkifxRWxRZy
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSl6yaGDUT
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwNkRD4OUsX
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WTwguqIz9
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDB4Iy6XWR0
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4J88Y2bcYj
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnz43LBJzSB
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡegXTauNKEQ
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZt0HwlZQH
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRCyCEVY92M
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrfVironHMj
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs851uvmvbw
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVmb3oGmxGy
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo7wwXCcGnM
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnWpuvDxtL
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4xymHJKId
連傾訴都不真誠。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHV1BpyloGc
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFn1LHFynTw
不開心又不去死。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHvFP5TRm2E
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ4o1MkMM4C
不去死又不改變。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvkM6VWFbg
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhCtxCfzSlA
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4CaUBPKvz
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpB3KGlCV7
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVsScchq1vs
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTPJEkQitSM
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VVHvbmmX4
429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaGuJZxKw7b
