穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzDQAeVdAr
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2oY7FElX9i
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsx944zhjlI
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMLTr4S3mHR
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezPYWxJU6D
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SYickcDqw
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwgtuYWaEL
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyBE0XOqhb
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJi3XRGfCWd
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Rst8Gz2uI
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEmOAdqZVvG
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9GWQumlAN
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQceYlnnJ2
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHWKifXBJW
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBO1EoSjx6
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl4lseP9fZP
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe97j6DnhMU
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1dhFwrap7
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlChCWzxQOD
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4nLXWdVzgj
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUm1kc6d4Bp
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDhL6SfWO3
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkP9YTyrcV9
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ38xQ6pTGb
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡniBQL8Tabh
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGbyQvaAweQ
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxDILSZd00
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxvBmjkKyF
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJD9IZHDHW
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Gz9bIgdnP
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVkaP8Mh3ce
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE2UxjDgtNQ
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmfTg7eUxG
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tghD4s7ez
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwyxtqZSO1A
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUodvOShRb
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZnvTgJ84yq
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7miYgg9lC
「鍾意你。」他說。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡksZpvXJxfp
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIaHsTKcl8d
「我都係。」她應。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxkTN7kNRui
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6560gAKVQ
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOsQvlrbsIU
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewi62YaMSa
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2JzZNVi7jZ
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjAHWUF7zhh
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbu2NRTFCE0
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkwFcvyGwJj
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2b0LLH68bi
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBJdcwYqUb
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡydzWiCENd7
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8DLkNEQta
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDK7jAzy0O
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMupU6112JI
二人過後做愛、入睡。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH31Qt1AuXd
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiYN7G4ih8D
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1kQqeTXwgT
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxR0zfs4nL
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnmUjr1SWYz
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvGoiDcmfP
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeKf0SyGb58
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhPidPNjYQL
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGJQPnAhpr
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGuwBEvUTr
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSC8p16ar1
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr2dNj7WtfY
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQhRYxQLfX
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQBE1XKbta
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYVRIDeEIN
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5o7oFycvZ
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ7cCQhAlKm
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXr1cC2imTP
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0MsvZ4dZZ
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjgdQbbLkI
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIVHyCK9vl
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡedrD0QqQeG
她糊糊塗塗。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxLwRkFYzmc
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Pp5l4qRdI
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBLjJGgMby
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTNTZu1wWxc
最怕空虛。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKPtvLRFlL
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVt2Xk9U4Ce
/387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1LGDEQJSs3
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXm3xPyvOaK
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvRnCuTHOn
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJiPDnZyKQN
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡemEnvVZFyR
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtb5To3cK0w
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzpJvGJb9Oy
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSi4baDFnP0
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNY0BIO7Hh
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnYB1zXgg9f
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbZJzBRUOS
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZLTFHDIC6
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38cvzFpHc2
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBlr7dFxo0T
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXdoG3vxcGW
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGdKB51xJr
她不過在日常之中夢遊。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcIEBAyqQxY
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQiZGpLiBtt
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡutZIKS6fYX
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiWH3Fa3qIh
「上年12月開始。」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9i4ABfZlgd
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtdXWhwbrWv
「頻率係？」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLeUTWq92ax
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnQXsMZrJy
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkUi0RTodLT
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNtEARUZfnj
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq34o8NlQGd
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzhfZ9pJAhK
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvB6sgnf8ku
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡALMEkjFfnn
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzMeOmFkC1
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2baBKTVYSL
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsOyVvwvPhT
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLpv1Kj3RXJ
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJUepMGOaJs
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQzxkMLRvR
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUTcz2Q9dFM
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI88vFxLDZF
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAtPpRbWG5P
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2py24r0Et
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkq9gFytV58
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY1u8RdU9W6
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU4IHSzHLNi
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjaPktCAiy
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvRENoWVKfR
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ZYM4xkQql
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡABPCzbgFx8
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIrH8JvNAsp
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2RWj1IMIY
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUiXyQSVHCN
連傾訴都不真誠。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZedisD5CDI
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNiNFQq1Q5I
不開心又不去死。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1dOLoquOD
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1agI9DhujR
不去死又不改變。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡor4bcvWlD1
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCUEOkEFHZ
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpx8PfVuV4l
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO04OBceyHy
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4QkmzVEt0
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLGprybXHE
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQbsf49G9UO
387Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfW7LedQah5
