Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSy0LQ8fMQ
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuOn5gXCTb
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡstWeEahVsg
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2WNMSXSY7
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX88WUPH07g
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEB89nDUUo
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8FjmFPOVf
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1jGL7IhuL
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxdBQx7S8Ms
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHcpzvx54f0
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuXgczXZnIw
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTKkzzQKMz
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlfMXr7GUSE
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGgtGJgLVkw
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp3nZHdDePh
130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlxiy047xsz
"Everything is growth"130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFGZpetJzh
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKSFzWU79W
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡceM9RutiX3
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyBlbiwMJaG
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHQVomHviS
I wonder what part of that is alive.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdILyZ7e67D
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8IZiJHXS5
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURvrfkcCMl
There is no other point in this community.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbX4IVrcdFu
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIUOj1waZ1
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCjXLXBhNx
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ciBbKQNIY
Whatever that's supposed to mean.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ73r8QA4x6k
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqIVCwYAA4F
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDnMMLQolkq
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdGISGz1SRG
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQAV3yFr8k
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0lbSVqLjwI
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMQ7qNWE7ja
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr80L0DwuAb
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBhXdOFFKj
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRN5phD1oVi
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2N0ExDyTKy
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zb9mO8iNe
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq7Zv9zGPSy
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3lZ0IWzK2c
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgeYIMwgPbK
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡztRJSU2nIz
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwTJbKcWMMi
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLPIyVPUDdN
