"Nothing heals heartbreak like screaming Olivia Rodrigo at full volume."
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54HYEqJ7jM
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzX1ZQGeKep
Subject: pettiest playlist of the year goes to… me
eli.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOL93e91diA
i made a playlist titled “for when your groupmate uses comic sans and your faith in humanity breaks.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPkEG8hHgi
i’m currently scream-singing to track 4 while eating cereal with a fork because all my spoons are in the sink.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJaxNXMFiSK
it’s a mood.
– maya55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡirb3Xj2RuA
sad. dramatic. cereal-forking.
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZLQ8InqGl
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6wXcNTzjU
Subject: cereal fork is a vibe
maya.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcD6n8XPMrY
track 4 better be “good 4 u” or i’m calling the authorities.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgwZb0w8tOK
also, the fork thing is valid. i once drank iced coffee with a knife. no regrets.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOuakMKkici
send me the playlist. for... peer review.
– eli55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCfZBpw9GM
music snob, chaos enabler
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmruP01J3qz
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ4S94zL9st
Subject: attached: rage therapy 💕
okay you asked for it.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9y6Yk1kHzR
enjoy: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mtUmL00VaYfC0gkEH0Odt?si=uPQWcd-5RuGOfoOppIcfQg] “dear god why do men” — a playlist in five stages of grief, three accidental crushes, and one cup of weaponized spite.
tracklist highlights:
misery business – paramore
better than revenge – taylor swift
good 4 u – olivia rodrigo
brutal – also olivia, my queen
should’ve said no – taylor again, obviously
kill bill – sza (i don’t condone murder, but i vibe)
– maya55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAblLL5w2d
the most dramatic person you never met
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Og022hkNV
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsVD2TKe1g
Subject: playlist review: violently iconic
maya.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbeCYN01Iy1
i have goosebumps.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRwqJPod8zK
i want to fight someone. i don’t even know who. but i’m hyped.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkY5RVebQ5E
“kill bill” came on and i almost texted my ex “good luck.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dp184xIgi
i didn’t. but spiritually, i did.
also: “dear god why do men” deserves a grammy for best emotional support.
– eli55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwIFLlo3YZ
threatened. inspired.
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2tpwIQU59f
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHUN33i5dBS
Subject: so we’re rage soulmates now?
eli,55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlX0Kk3BDGZ
you passed the vibe check.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwlV1HJQwPo
you didn’t question my musical angst or my cereal fork.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF8h4bTSakM
this feels like the start of something irrationally comforting.
ps: have you ever cried to phoebe bridgers in a parking lot or is that just me?
– maya55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1lyAp0Rlz
emotionally stable adjacent
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFYLpspHx0e
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfG43G3twno
Subject: phoebe bridgers made me cry at the DMV
maya.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpftPbVUFG
“motion sickness” came on. i was holding a ticket that said A132.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx86PUU8cWV
i did cry.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlxKswq5iKW
the security guard offered me a tissue and a mint.
so yes. we’re bonded now.
– eli55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyo86q8lQI
co-president, feelings club
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtp5A5kRv8E
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBtn2t7tFU9
Subject: certified mood
i would like to formally nominate you as:
my email pen pal
my official heartbreak soundtrack consultant
and co-author of “texts we never sent but emotionally screamed”
it’s a growing resume. benefits include emotional chaos and unsolicited memes.
– maya55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGYvrMU0ra
possibly your new internet pen friend
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡudELuq2Zwt
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIeFc4pqNJR
Subject: i accept the role
with great inbox comes great responsibility.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlW8XuVSZlB
you send the songs, i’ll send the sarcasm.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPeu1bUyeBy
together we’re like...55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ZIqQW5OeX
the emotional avengers.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhAN2XjSOZU
no capes though. just playlists.
– eli55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtkXkWNE8ps
ready to rage, reply, repeat
Attachment: Liner Notes from Eli Martin55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIkG74TlGn5
🎧 “dear god why do men” – Reviewed
📝 liner notes by eli, who has clearly felt too much and judged too many fonts
Track 1: Misery Business – Paramore55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nNpzuffrn
this track made me want to break up with someone i’m not dating.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27qZCOMzcM
⭐ rage level: 9.5/10
Track 2: Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwwMBlRlyL6
may have shouted “she’s not a saint!” at a squirrel.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiVq1ryz3uh
⭐ sass factor: 11/10
Track 3: good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8bckBzeZl2
screamed into a spoon. felt better.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzlxFLQj1So
⭐ catharsis: 10/10
Track 4: brutal – Olivia Rodrigo55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVBUZko2ZwM
i knocked over a lamp. worth it.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjj7UdGwDMt
⭐ chaos energy: unmeasurable
Track 5: should’ve said no – Taylor Swift55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWr3fztB3k
the rain cried for me.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJkmwE2pB2
⭐ drama: peak
Track 6: Kill Bill – SZA55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNtABYTvRaU
i do not condone murder. but i understand.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡACDO3LodN8
⭐ emotional weaponry: activated
Final thoughts:55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrETiCd6t0
this playlist isn't therapy. it's exorcism.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtKAOZhUgCY
i feel seen, personally attacked, and spiritually lighter.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV6CeiAJt3u
maya, if you ever make another one — please consider me your chaos consultant.
– eli55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO6A4ze4Gob
officially unwell in a poetic way
