"Nothing heals heartbreak like screaming Olivia Rodrigo at full volume."
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANAj9jg1VzUxW
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANATc5EPE7qvu
Subject: pettiest playlist of the year goes to… me
eli.96Please respect copyright.PENANA5LGKytM6Dy
i made a playlist titled “for when your groupmate uses comic sans and your faith in humanity breaks.”96Please respect copyright.PENANA69rNLBoKgJ
i’m currently scream-singing to track 4 while eating cereal with a fork because all my spoons are in the sink.96Please respect copyright.PENANAihoykpKG8H
it’s a mood.
– maya96Please respect copyright.PENANAnU6SgN4slQ
sad. dramatic. cereal-forking.
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANAGlR15W1WPu
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANAx88YNNINue
Subject: cereal fork is a vibe
maya.96Please respect copyright.PENANAMLkP4hJGEw
track 4 better be “good 4 u” or i’m calling the authorities.96Please respect copyright.PENANAj9cdypY98J
also, the fork thing is valid. i once drank iced coffee with a knife. no regrets.96Please respect copyright.PENANAfUkRWjjMX9
send me the playlist. for... peer review.
– eli96Please respect copyright.PENANAhxHDWIWiEb
music snob, chaos enabler
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANAHEoYh6yat0
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANAPt9XV0z7V4
Subject: attached: rage therapy 💕
okay you asked for it.96Please respect copyright.PENANAggwqa7O9ww
enjoy: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mtUmL00VaYfC0gkEH0Odt?si=uPQWcd-5RuGOfoOppIcfQg] “dear god why do men” — a playlist in five stages of grief, three accidental crushes, and one cup of weaponized spite.
tracklist highlights:
misery business – paramore
better than revenge – taylor swift
good 4 u – olivia rodrigo
brutal – also olivia, my queen
should’ve said no – taylor again, obviously
kill bill – sza (i don’t condone murder, but i vibe)
– maya96Please respect copyright.PENANAJT7llBOxcg
the most dramatic person you never met
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANAM2J3sNP1T8
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANA3sGHxESW0b
Subject: playlist review: violently iconic
maya.96Please respect copyright.PENANAexQ8hbee7a
i have goosebumps.96Please respect copyright.PENANA9WLroocRqg
i want to fight someone. i don’t even know who. but i’m hyped.96Please respect copyright.PENANAQX8XXMOjn0
“kill bill” came on and i almost texted my ex “good luck.”96Please respect copyright.PENANAPFQOBFws5K
i didn’t. but spiritually, i did.
also: “dear god why do men” deserves a grammy for best emotional support.
– eli96Please respect copyright.PENANA0JKCSOCZrX
threatened. inspired.
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANADI1iz85xYK
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANAgM78D774gv
Subject: so we’re rage soulmates now?
eli,96Please respect copyright.PENANAkJA6D3VpX6
you passed the vibe check.96Please respect copyright.PENANA2Y42hcpcrN
you didn’t question my musical angst or my cereal fork.96Please respect copyright.PENANAyMLmf6gWdb
this feels like the start of something irrationally comforting.
ps: have you ever cried to phoebe bridgers in a parking lot or is that just me?
– maya96Please respect copyright.PENANAVqRmCY9PZX
emotionally stable adjacent
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANAW7INYrzFRH
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANALfOXImhDcE
Subject: phoebe bridgers made me cry at the DMV
maya.96Please respect copyright.PENANAf39yMeZPLp
“motion sickness” came on. i was holding a ticket that said A132.96Please respect copyright.PENANAM2sG3YhhQx
i did cry.96Please respect copyright.PENANAmFJ9SLC6HY
the security guard offered me a tissue and a mint.
so yes. we’re bonded now.
– eli96Please respect copyright.PENANAbgiOmAXI4h
co-president, feelings club
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANAlMDl1pcKTs
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANAPPdpy4J4gE
Subject: certified mood
i would like to formally nominate you as:
my email pen pal
my official heartbreak soundtrack consultant
and co-author of “texts we never sent but emotionally screamed”
it’s a growing resume. benefits include emotional chaos and unsolicited memes.
– maya96Please respect copyright.PENANAxLJSJTEr9S
possibly your new internet pen friend
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANAuhDS5qAv2D
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.PENANAymPN5CtVrs
Subject: i accept the role
with great inbox comes great responsibility.96Please respect copyright.PENANA1YdLmISgp8
you send the songs, i’ll send the sarcasm.96Please respect copyright.PENANAR5tof8lagH
together we’re like...96Please respect copyright.PENANAKgBbbujAZh
the emotional avengers.96Please respect copyright.PENANAbMWBMot4ep
no capes though. just playlists.
– eli96Please respect copyright.PENANAFgHcqbWjRN
ready to rage, reply, repeat
Attachment: Liner Notes from Eli Martin96Please respect copyright.PENANAnIvS7GFIMF
🎧 “dear god why do men” – Reviewed
📝 liner notes by eli, who has clearly felt too much and judged too many fonts
Track 1: Misery Business – Paramore96Please respect copyright.PENANADwjBKRCYFq
this track made me want to break up with someone i’m not dating.96Please respect copyright.PENANAT9aWZwx5BP
⭐ rage level: 9.5/10
Track 2: Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift96Please respect copyright.PENANAj5o8FQTMpI
may have shouted “she’s not a saint!” at a squirrel.96Please respect copyright.PENANAHxhi99u9k9
⭐ sass factor: 11/10
Track 3: good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo96Please respect copyright.PENANAwdzq4INn4H
screamed into a spoon. felt better.96Please respect copyright.PENANAUTK40X4qB4
⭐ catharsis: 10/10
Track 4: brutal – Olivia Rodrigo96Please respect copyright.PENANAn8RlHLvVBP
i knocked over a lamp. worth it.96Please respect copyright.PENANAAgD9HrCAVS
⭐ chaos energy: unmeasurable
Track 5: should’ve said no – Taylor Swift96Please respect copyright.PENANAWsidQCg5jt
the rain cried for me.96Please respect copyright.PENANAoIeFjIp6oj
⭐ drama: peak
Track 6: Kill Bill – SZA96Please respect copyright.PENANAFSbD6MDw3f
i do not condone murder. but i understand.96Please respect copyright.PENANAekNGox6m6U
⭐ emotional weaponry: activated
Final thoughts:96Please respect copyright.PENANABipJqaeFm8
this playlist isn't therapy. it's exorcism.96Please respect copyright.PENANA2wE0AzMnYx
i feel seen, personally attacked, and spiritually lighter.96Please respect copyright.PENANAMJwOj5K5fR
maya, if you ever make another one — please consider me your chaos consultant.
– eli96Please respect copyright.PENANADN09y7tb5d
officially unwell in a poetic way