後來，林蓁回想舊事，喜歡Y先生時，其實已是中四。記憶再模糊，感受亦是真。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZY4XLffeFz
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmeTMgU881
她之所以傷心，除了因為他不喜歡自己，還因為那個熱心助人的同學，竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOCdWfQWbZq
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2J5AGBxs7H
自此之後，她就沒有喜歡過男生。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcrEKD2mMw1
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7pFipG9XT
／336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRvXTW96EN
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpnZZiDs3t
每次感到空虛時，林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOYtZ6i2hjL
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJN8GY2l7FI
以食物填滿胃，以粉底液填滿毛孔，以男人的話語填滿口腔。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhP7Mqrv9n3
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEmgE0k2LwU
她記得上次輔導員問，除了跑步，她還有沒有其他的方法，可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhSuAwimMS
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTduvy2jqO
例如，暴食。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnk2idBijMc
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VtqFwzRra
時時如此，只是，她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型，讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的，韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶，唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」，才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoEyPwNOwLb
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDm7XyBKx8j
如果進食不健康的食物，是對身體的懲罰，那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體，折磨自己，抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSHi7Kc6rzn
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcAS5zBsmi
記得有一次，她留在周立沖處，聽他說很掛念A小姐。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrnKHOehTE1
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO6UHIcnJCJ
分手才兩星期，不過半個月，他若然思念，亦是正常。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEjnRvUVZFR
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQcm4V64LmM
她無法感受自己的情緒，只是得體地應答。可是，隔了一會兒，她近乎哀求地問他：336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiCDAIROt6e
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhuWIQFx9NZ
「可唔可以煮個印尼撈？」336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTH8vUzacf4
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTnVtk2d4x4
「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎，你餓？」336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpKvATzlwLR
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMEiU3dE0h
「我想食嘢。」336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZoLwh8h2r
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7aokDMZ2c2
「洗多札提子畀你？」336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ72XaBaRyOF
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvTCY5bFabh
「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqd3OArzsHM
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOp4atYWSR
「你今日做咩事？奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問，動身煮麵。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9gZ6cy34ki
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMUfuZgNASG
林蓁清楚，這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB90ACMUWd6
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEE2OeB8FXJ
她陪在他身邊一整天，開心笑開心玩，熱鬧過後，他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到，自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容，其實不是，她啞言，佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮，還傷了自尊心。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2DUhsWiMeV
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDen3LC1Mhf
可是他明明說她很好。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeeLs663z1W
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaigRgDBPdw
可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhVyLKifXmq
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTdbQveMdGT
可是他明明說她很特別。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOW7mB34H4w
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdcV6ivyQ9U
陷入苦戀，心知無法繼續前進，發展出更美麗姻緣，卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的，譬如與對方的回憶，譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚，現時的快樂會飛散，認知若是過分清晰，實在無法浪漫。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVKy5YDaU5l
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJwQnHAv1CV
可是在心底深處，她很想往後餘生也有他。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5GVs2sCPKP
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYxeSw9TTFq
因此她想要進食，彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw9gjtFRosZ
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxKw8m5Etad
「好食！」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈，和周立沖歡快地聊天。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigbFBwlFJh
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4sRNW987e
本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他，她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後，他轉而主動親吻她的臉。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKbora4Hql
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9DXcHoZyOQ
呵，這樣的二人，竟然不是親密愛侶。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlpUlXV1FNl
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx7xPE3nwvA
她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述，彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而，在旁人眼中，其實她並無特別的行徑，僅僅是，無緣無故便吃很多東西（而且，多數獨自躲起來吃）。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYPVmW9401J
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGjIJTTtYe
不要怕我，其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYVSmWQQmzP
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJV4diX6jS
「食多餐都好啦，你咁瘦。」336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrTZ3A5vAdr
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiZFUSk4Iu7
縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙，但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少，比起三年前，雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗，但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEHCio2tpY
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxyjS41LYeL
實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjrHesXzglA
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhd1ohVwSON
一直以來，她的身型沒有太大浮動，包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRjtcYKOld
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfOGCOpoWv
暴食的念頭多是突然襲來，不是因為肚餓，只是覺得「想食嘢」，於是便泡個杯麵，配搭檸檬茶，隨手拾起薯片及曲奇，又吃芋圓，直至盡興。吃完後，只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多，強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉，更加難受。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbcoac5d0lm
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQUnnnEqdGF
持續幾天，忽然又想：我唔想變肥，唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvP4r1AwwK
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUQz2rf50s
現代女子多少有點身材焦慮，更見於年輕一代，是否、是否。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoXRz9y0dBN
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwlNpeBGmMz
因此，便又連續幾天吃少少，反正沒有人管她吃什麼，一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午，亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同，但同樣是腹部位置作崇，前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入，後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwXO8tMcWDT
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNYq6bis5g4
正常飲食幾天，又循環。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7DOZDWYmzP
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldh1uPydrE
在周立沖處留宿，其實已改善很多，畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物，而他總叫她不要吃太少，否則沒有能量，三餐也足。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssDJaiYmbZ
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEPACOCaLAw
最重要的是，她不想被任何人發現，自己的身心漸漸不健康起來，要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9yeHAFksUj
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNclcQAGSK
其實她漸漸認清，除了這些那些細碎的不幸，令她病的，還有自尊心。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKDLIHBJgi1
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjtymjomr9
握著那無人在乎的尊嚴，以孱弱身軀保護她，不想讓人知道內在殘破。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡranBOJTaFV
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1upcCihBX
不開心，怕被嫌棄。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6upV7Mb2t2
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWxX55syzD
過往被家暴，怕兒時經歷影響自身太多，才壓抑，意圖說一切早就過去。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ26VuaFAXz
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4YCtF0QJ6P
陷入痛苦的關係，怕被質疑批判。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOB1n0UKraM
336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uNBDh9SB1
沒有洩漏出去的聲音，在她心頭響鬧得很，變成鋒利的刀刃，刮在脆弱的皮膚上，鮮血直流，淹沒她。336Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwBzKEQrJc
