穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi71SuttEIP
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86ggZNRAZb
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNerltMIuNc
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3e5NNoWpzU
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡORIPQlyPiY
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7CvYC5FEdW
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2a0LrDfuXs
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQB8R5JcNh
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpyk8u7D9u
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhIF3BMnIP1
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArhpPJjIcY
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhq6efcwqvX
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7ubzwIUwr
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVHfZDagnXW
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWqeWKMu8IQ
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡavmijhxSCB
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPj4Apay6h
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwqFYDp4wSD
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBgwysUoXno
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmUjAiINX92
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xV5JYPZAb
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVd4CY7WSL
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDiaojH2JkY
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqUyUhGhJh
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡim9VbnfHOR
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJyzUexlpav
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfsn57AU91g
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJxH4TPJkc
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCeudA2RTXX
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMvE6TxWqb0
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0I7B7F6M9e
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI19g89bK85
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFEpDctb5Zy
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGGwsvNoAnD
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTVxKn6H0Vc
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5tkkIKG0B
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnF0Tasj9HV
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe9XAgOot4c
「鍾意你。」他說。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAt0THVz1pQ
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyMaLstVCC1
「我都係。」她應。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Rby2EehRZ
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLF0YqEdUIy
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtcJHrIOXrs
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEZSEA9EUHb
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3fO6N04ga
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFaNrnTcQsM
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdtXvkJgqO
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuK2r70jJv8
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvpVlbrzB0
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRXnKXbwWMh
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCHcBHzH0a7
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNpsE89SHJB
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsYCFpCnuYK
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSIWUGuexTy
二人過後做愛、入睡。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYHqvuresh
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCtoz2aO0T
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3JZ2iiVgHH
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoYq1n9CkWZ
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJQLxqV3oL
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAUkQXLGTm
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFS1xaoNMs
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoa5fid7agP
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWHkVTteQRc
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQmcjOjyWS1
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoPihjti7YT
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5wMaMmoJd
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUZFlv4qv7s
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsdZ6AIUnDm
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLOHRpEPSvL
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0xu1QeNzi
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIqi2ljtxY
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKC4yTEdM4w
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0ZzIIn3EN
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmHCcLlXLJQ
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6a5xUqpH0r
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfelJJZMU8i
她糊糊塗塗。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3S5U76I412
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpDGVL0TDms
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdXHv6RQkdq
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsulAWTmFmd
最怕空虛。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzXS8Zyfo5w
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGuX5l8IKfo
/329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzaK7qeX4Di
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZn9JTesegn
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlzzWEK9cQl
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNLhMk99IXg
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh03i9TPcgn
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj1SxODnlt8
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡccpBBRNL3c
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtbOCVA0UoG
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOGqsVAdPB
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbqednUAHe
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jUVPUAGW9
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkL3DJZypKA
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFy669ReiIu
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHbQOZXz3N7
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDrJsg2EIp
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDXBXEH3b3s
她不過在日常之中夢遊。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWqSWuc8uA3
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFpb6ZtYrkV
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWaSgsMlq0
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpkzr4Ftflr
「上年12月開始。」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkF1evGVsOn
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm00qPLZ0aF
「頻率係？」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXi87RdkBzH
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhaHgANvw8u
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx1cDt84SCK
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLcVfreBpT
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRqbKLkEED
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSHiN5OLrTB
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk4zMRaNMQV
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCdYGCHSsg
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyXiJ7pzvO
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUuVOd7Exfc
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgoWln7vilX
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJzuCT57Yf
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ267Hxzpsy3
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzoQ2CXYva
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmaYskrflmN
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGJpwJCtWwm
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWpxANP1MH
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyBBfcHT6k
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuwEIOWAHen
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKUe90exWl
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQdrdxJqJ94
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3tH76qLfJ
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggC5R4dRjk
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREpGA8eRlw
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYqWZ8kfQx4
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZbewxI3T0
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA5syQG3cum
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXF7SRlqJ1
連傾訴都不真誠。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPyCJEB02Cw
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnUofMvAIW
不開心又不去死。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAv9wS1wbX
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDKCCr1sCoR
不去死又不改變。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQsXRVkTso
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUc4V4qopIQ
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6EUGnVEhQn
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ99nbdWSD73
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnhyBb9IFu8
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIBn20omlF
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3kqc1ZI7w
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGpKrjkjfiY
