Taylor's POV
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Wine is not your best friend when you're grieving, surrounded by family members, trying to keep a straight face and serve the food at your late husband's wake. Wine that I made with him, Jay had harvested the grapes and we had begun fermenting them years ago. The taste of it I remember is sweet, coloured by the irresistible Italian sunshine and made by the man I love. Yet now as I sit here, his widow I cannot even think about drinking it. Widow, the word dawns on me again and I sip another glass of juice instead.
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My mother has placed the babies in their beds, Henry fought wanting to stay up but exhausted from playing with Matthew's sister Kimberley all day, he succumbed to sleep. Kimberley eyes me from across my veranda a small smile on her lips as she approaches me, still clad in my black dress, a black ribbon pulling half of my hair up and a blanket wrapped over my bare legs that Ross had placed upon me.
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"I've missed you, and I'm sorry that we always get together when it's some kind of major event" she sighs pulling me into her arms as Rachel takes over serving the wine and food. Rachel, with her baby strapped to her chest, holding the dishes as Christopher cooks in the kitchen on the gas stove.
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"I've missed you" I whisper looking into her eyes and seeing Matthew. The similarities are striking, green eyes with heavily lined lashes. A calm smile that spreads across her face.
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"Does he know?" I ask softly as she tucks a few strands of her dark hair behind her ear, shaking her head slightly.
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"He is..." she begins looking up at me and deciding now is not the time to share what she was going to say, it intrigues me and I press her instantly. Turning to her as I feel Ross finally sit down from settling Emilia next to me. He exhales just knowing that the topic of discussion is Matthew before opening the brandy, one arm around my back.
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"Now is not the right moment Taylor" she rubs my arm.
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"No tell me what could possibly keep him from this" I say softly, as she eyes me, strokes my arm and then exhales taking a glass herself. My eyes follow her every movement until she looks at me again.
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"He is engaged, he sent me an invitation to an engagement party" she finally says and my eyes sting, my heart burns and the anger I feel surges.
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"But he doesn't know. I had tried to call him, I don't feel that this is something to communicate with him over message but he was unavailable" she admits watching me slowly.
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"He is engaged?" I murmur slowly and she nods carefully.
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"To who?" I begin watching her, the panic subsiding slightly as Ross strokes my back.
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"Her name is Emily, she's idiotic and I don't like her" Kimberly says sulkily as I suppress my laughter. Ross glances over at Kimberly who offers me a glass of the wine but I decline, memories of Jay swirling inside of my mind and not wanting to finish off the last remnants of the wine he had made. My hand wanders to my tummy under the blanket and I remind myself that it's real. Ross eyes me possessively as I look up at him bewildered by this strange turn of events, Matthew engaged to some British woman.
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"Emily huh how very British" I laugh trying to see the light in it all. It's unreasonable to dislike him for moving on, especially when that is what I had reassured him to do years before.
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"I've only met her once" she goes on and I open my ears. It adds up that suddenly he has erased us, Mr I will love you forever has found another and I will be happy for him, the pain in my heart is something I can suppress.
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"He was like don't mention Taylor" she snarks as I look up at her, throwing my arms around her suddenly and hugging her. She laughs slightly taken aback as I release her.
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"It doesn't matter to me anymore" I whisper softly looking into her eyes and aiming to reassure her.
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"I have you, I have my friends and Ross" I say soberly sipping lemon juice and shrugging.
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"He should be made aware of Jay passing" Christopher intercepts and I shift my gaze down to my waist concealed under the blanket. My hands rested on top of it as I smile, it was utterly irresponsible having a cigarette earlier after the funeral and I tell myself that it was an isolated never to be repeated event. Mom guilt flares inside of me and I look up at Ross briefly.
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Only myself and Ross know a very big secret, something that rocked our world, something that has cemented him to my side since we found it out. A miracle and a gift, I've decided, that carrying Jay's baby is the ultimate honour I could possibly be bestowed. The time that had elapsed between his untimely death had left me unable to process anything let alone being late on my period.
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Ross had purchased tests and together we completed them, learning that I was pregnant with baby number three. He held me through my instantaneous tears, sat on the window seat in my bedroom for hours until he scooped me up and told me that he would be there for me. Forever. Under no circumstance he informed me would he be leaving. And since that morning; he has held my hair back through the morning sickness, he has fanned me when I felt too hot in the Italian sunshine. But more important than any of those things; he has made me feel safe and secure.
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Ross’ words are not empty; he sold the company in London. Quit his job in New York and is currently in the process of permanently moving his life here, to Italy. Ross will occasionally look at me in a way that makes me feel healed, put back together and safe. When he eventually moved his clothes out of the cases and placed them in the drawers he hesitated asking me whether it was okay, a vulnerable look fell upon him until I reassured him. He’s cautious with me, never wanting to overstep any boundaries and I respect him for it.
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The remaining piece of the puzzle is for me to tell Claire, Jay's mother that I'm pregnant with her deceased son's baby. My eyes well up as I look at her across the veranda, thick tears that trickle down my cheeks. Imagining being able to tell Jay that we had conceived another baby, that our wishes had been granted. How he would have picked me up and kissed me when I told him the news. Floundering I place the cork on the wine to deter anybody from finishing it before I stand gingerly holding onto my dress and looking blankly ahead.
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"Taylor" Ross whispers in my ear as I turn to face him, alarmed eyes watching me around the table. The crazy widow.
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"I'm okay" I whisper to him before heading over to Claire. Her arms embrace me instantly, taking in my tears as she guides me inside like a protective mother. The scent of onions filling the kitchen as I take a look around at all of the funeral flowers lined up on my table. The garlands, and cards of condolences. My eyes rake over them all as she sits me down and holds my hands in her own.
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"Claire" I begin softly looking down into my lap, before taking my hands and holding onto my engagement rings around my neck. Whenever I hold them he is here with me.
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"I have to tell you" I begin as her blue eyes watch me, looking at the rings before she stares into my eyes. The air grows still and I decide it's best I just come out with it. Her face usually primed with makeup, her hair usually well kept is left in a tangle around her chin.
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"I'm pregnant" I blurt out, as she collapses into tears, her arms around me instantly.
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"Jay and I had been trying for another. And we were successful, I'm around eight weeks" I say to her slowly as she gasps utterly shocked. Over her shoulder I eye Ross who is hovering, wondering whether to intercept. I nod to him, watching him cross the floor to stand behind me. His hand resting on my lower back as we all stand up.
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"My darling, congratulations" she smiles looking down at me.
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"We spoke just before he left for Italy, he was so proud of his family" she smiles softly.
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"He bought you all gifts, including you Ross" she giggles slightly.
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"He appreciated you" she says succinctly before hugging him. Ross pushes his blonde locks back and eyes me, a blush to his cheeks.
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“You will keep her safe” she says seriously looking directly into his eyes. An altogether more serious business like expression over her face. The Gilbert Scott’s can do that, hide their emotions at the drop of a hat. Turn everything into a business exchange.
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“With my whole life” he whispers softly as I look down at the floor knowing that he means every word.
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“I have to get this business into shape” she nods slowly, planning instantly.
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“He was a fantastic CEO, they will be beside themselves” she admits.
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“Have you had an antenatal checkup” she asks changing tact quickly after viewing my concern.
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“Ross and I only realised a few days ago” I murmur softly and she smiles.
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“Only us three know” I smile looking up at him, his eyes mist up and he rubs my back. Claire Gilbert Scott insists on leaving, I insist on her staying and being that she is headstrong she wins. I watch her small petite frame leave in her Ferrari, and marvel at how she can get on a plane after the crash. For a small woman she is powerful and utterly headstrong. It strikes me that Emilia has managed to acquire some of those attributes from her grandmother.
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Ross guides me up the winding stairs upon her leaving, hovering by the door as I slip into the walk in wardrobe to place on a sleep shirt. One of Jay’s old t shirts that swings down over my hips. My hands caressing the small bump that is forming in my lower abdomen. My mind wanders over whether he or she will be like Jay, my heart tells me that the baby will be the most loved and cherished child on this earth.
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“I’ll clean up and then” Ross whispers when I step out of the walk in closet. Since my night terrors have ceased, he has been using the bedroom next door. I’ve thought about asking him to hold me through the night. But I’m sure that now is not the right time. It’s difficult on him knowing that he is in love with me, and that I am a crazy widow who has just lost her husband. I place his arms around my waist and he breathes in slowly. Staring into my blue eyes he is utterly silent before he excuses himself and I crawl into my empty bed looking out at the moon and stars that bejewel the night sky.
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