
380Please respect copyright.PENANAcbn1uvyPGf
EP 21 只想粉碎這童言380Please respect copyright.PENANAeQvgEY0oCA
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因為人懼怯不安,不肯相信殘酷的現實,所以才一味地逃避一切
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對,也許世界是一個虛無
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但又憑什麼,意識就是例外?
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既然活在虛無之中,談什麼真不真實?正因談出什麼結論又好,歸無歸空的世界中,僅有的「感受」才如此重要
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相信
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相信著一個「事實」,藉此令自己更加「真實」,說明絕對及力量的實際存在,建立無謂的「意義」,在這個根本不需要原因的世界中
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卻因而認定自己的高尚
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世界是為「我」而生的
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我是為什麼來到的呢?
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我是帶著怎樣的心情到來的呢?
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我是受什麼引領下,前來對質不能之事,從何處來的勇氣?
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只是,現在想這些也沒有用了
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因為我已經,正面對著
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她
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瘋狂的噩夢人偶 —— 爱麗絲
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老實說:老實說什麼也好,有些事情就是一種越去嘗試搞清楚,只得糊塗一番的結果,如此情況需要明白的,唯是並非盡力與否的關係,畢竟問題只有一道:太多由和因,說不出口和數不清楚,基於私因、循環性,許多事很複雜,所以乾脆不要理會
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因為既成過去,所以可以放任不管
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但才不是
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這個想法是錯誤的,對我來說至少是,不知道面前的她,有沒有同樣的想法在其腦海中乘載住,我不知道,人偶的眼睛很純真而無瑕,翠綠的寶石反射著,可能是自己的身影,不過她眼中真的有我嗎?
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又有「我」嗎?
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人偶公仔的外表,是她,裏頭的意識是她,鈴木 花子的,然而又有幾分是?宿主化的她會聽我的話嗎?我的對質又會有效嗎?
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但擔心無用,一切很快就知道答案了
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受傷的人偶,靈魂正透過那圓珠直視進自己的眼睛中,雖說眼神的確在物理上是交上了,卻似乎只有一方能真正感受到另一方的神態,而單方面的主動方,不是自己,這個程度只能是叫做接觸了
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詢問自己,但卻不存在回答方
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要開口嗎?要開口嗎?要開口嗎?
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前後皆無可達之處,一切反應尤如只是以深淵為對象,任何喊話也不得回覆
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想清楚點
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我
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不能,沒有這個勇氣,也沒有這個準備
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恐怕張口的話只會有虛無傳達,那樣子的話,我寧願⋯
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寧願⋯⋯
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⋯⋯什麼?
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我有抉擇嗎?在這處
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空氣是沉著嗎?不是
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然而兩方的呼吸是,屏著了
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自從來到這不明不白的地方,許多不明不白的事情發生了,無常十分,若如命運正在戲弄自己一樣,所恐懼的、不信任的真實成真了,現實就放在眼前,根本是迫使在這的每一個人閉上雙眼,只能向前走,無方向地,不是單純的害怕,也不是純粹的擔心
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在這處,彷彿什麼也有可能,也沒有可能,不見天日的生理作用嗎?如果這樣説,是會令他相信,滿足的事實,那麼他就不是叫佐島 一茂了
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人和人之間的區別,是什麼?
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在這個迷宮中,迷失了方向的每一個人,有著相同的故事、經歷、存在,分別有嗎?方向有差嗎?這麼努力的然後呢?他們有想過嗎?
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又真的需要嗎?
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不就說了沒關係嗎?無論是他所想也好
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她的行為,反映的,亦是同一
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「⋯為什麼要跟上來」
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聲音是從肺氣中噴出,力道只是一個呼氣般弱小,當中的嗓音亦有點不清澈,要不是四周毫無雜音,那就容易被她的呼吸、弱但能聽到的鼓振吸過注意去,畢竟窒息般的氣息不費點精神留心,可是難以化成腦中的文字
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說著,她稍稍抬起頭,若是在再度確認面前的自身,少年的存在
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人偶的臉,雪白一片,若是人類的話,卻為慘白中透泛黃,是不健康的象徵,生理上的表現,然而事實如此,人偶的身體在宿主化前原先也是人類,少女的生命氣息不強,十分弱,負傷的那種低潮感受
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這是因為什麼?是因為少女在不久的之前,被面前的對方「治療」了
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少年,佐島 一茂 的宿主能力是「轉移有機物」,原理不明白不需要擔心,因為沒有人比起他更清楚自己的能力,卻也不需要在這個認知上爭鬥,對於人偶,一點乃全部的重點
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身體的不適,是由他的能力所致的
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換著是剛才的狀態下,那個殺意激起的瘋狂狀態下,可能在念著往日情懷,在以「宿主即該死」的罪行,判決對方死刑時,身為爱麗絲的人偶會先敘舊回憶,稍作安息的準備吧
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那知道
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但知道的是
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我現在,也許不是最清醒的狀態下,無所謂,那份堅持和執念的濃度,此刻和腦中的壓力素形成正比關係
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我不知道兩者有沒有因果性,但相關性是存在的
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純粹,那是我,我知道,是我
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我所隱藏,它所發掘出的我
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所以說
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「我說,讓我死去就好了呀」
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宿主,難道不是罪嗎?
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就好像在説「人性原罪」,人本惡論,因為各種不能克服的自私、感性的影響力,促而整體的退步
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「很虛無的推論和論證,這樣是沒有説服力的」
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它會這樣說吧?
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你會原諒自己嗎?若所愛的人,因自己而受傷,會嗎?
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你會在什麼情況的前提原諒自己嗎?若那你曾誓約守護,所至所信所愛的親人,全因自己的關係而受傷,難道你不會後悔一世,會嗎?
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我說
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我到底會在什麼噁心的情況為前提,去原諒十惡不赦的自己,瘋了嗎?
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若那我曾誓約守護的笑容,純真而強大的寄托,不單單是所至所信所愛的親人,更是希望和安藉,種植所在的對象
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卻
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全因自己的行為,自私自利的關係而受傷,甚至不得知其下場和結局,難道打破約定的我不會後悔一世,因而對此自責內疚、辛酸淚泣沾枕,我會嗎?
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我不會嗎?
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好歹,我也曾經相信世界僅有的善意,請別怪我的偏激,唯獨是,這個世界所教導我的事情
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幸福的摧毀,從來只是由人自己,一手造成
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因為不公正、不公不義的世界上,自然需要人類所定義的「公正公平」以及「正義」
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因為生命,擺脫不了脆弱不堪的肉體;思緒,逃離不到化學物的影響;人類推反不過作為感性生物的定義
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始終,絕對的理性,才不是人所追求的
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所以,我才聆聽、服從於心聲
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「我」的渴望
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理性和感性的結果
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亦即「爱麗絲」
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無「心」之因,為由我認為對這個垃圾又該死的世界,重要的東西是不應拿出來
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我可不希望重蹈覆轍,即使人類總是犯下同樣的錯誤,我還未想展示這道理在自己的生命中
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「一個不論思想、行乃也危及大家的存在」
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「消失」
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「危險因子的消失」
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「這樣不會更好嗎?」
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但這樣就好了
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如果,世界擁有如果的話,我說,如果機緣時刻已經到了的話,順勢而然不會是最好的抉擇嗎?
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終究而言,能抉擇的實在太少,人生而來是如何的自由,自由自在只能在最表層的邏輯上合乎理論,理論上卻不如現實,現實是太多事情互相關係著,關係著一切的因果循環,循環中,我可以求什麼改變?
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恐怕只有心態吧
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「⋯⋯讓赤羽過來吧」
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「順便也能讓她報仇」
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「順便也可能令你明白,我的想法」
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既然如此,那麼就使此刻成為我的結局,那不好嗎?
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反正信仰殺不死
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一定,又會有那個誰,和自己一樣天真而純粹,去完成我所帶起的事端
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所以說,根本⋯
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這樣就好了
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足夠了⋯
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「⋯是賀羽」
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這個想法唯是我長久以來也不會動搖的堅信,始終愚痴痴的人類,人類一直犯同樣的錯誤,錯誤後,不是受個重傷也不會學乖,學乖去反省,記住一輩子,卻,從來都不會發生,發生在事發後
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我不退讓出來的固執,那就是屬於自己的疤痕呢
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「什麼⋯?」
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「沒什麼⋯⋯我只想説⋯」
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他的聲音輕弱,但並非和自己的狀況、原因一樣,雖則是鮮紅,但他身上的血不是他自己的,我很清楚,我見到的是,我所理解到的是
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唯獨疤痕確是很顯眼,對於自己的視野而言
380Please respect copyright.PENANAaUJgjRYsUv
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「沒什麼⋯⋯我只想説⋯」
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「你以為我會便宜你嗎?你也懂得說自己是如此的殘酷和不義,那麼你沒打算做回點什麼嗎?」
380Please respect copyright.PENANA0NahkrQnd1
「那些被你所傷害的人,絕對不會允許你就這樣死去的」
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「你可要負起責任來,別逃避你的現實,拜託,鈴木」
380Please respect copyright.PENANAzXai328ndU
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堅定,是成熟的表現嗎?
380Please respect copyright.PENANAGp6CrleOKn
我倒是不明白這個標準是如何得出的
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不過以如此標準來判斷,男子的表現,相較以往是更加成熟⋯的嗎?
380Please respect copyright.PENANAtyBjJwuPq3
成熟的外表,那能當成內在去齊看,道理如此,因為思想還未能完全駕馭行為,這種行為能當作東施効顰嗎?
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但人總是要不懂裝懂
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因為⋯⋯
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「負責任?」
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「叫我負責?」
380Please respect copyright.PENANA7LAnPfaU0j
為了讓他人認同自己的⋯各種
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「抱歉,我不會,也沒有這個需要」
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「由始至終,負責不負責,也是沒關係的了,因為,我説,因為結果已定」
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「別天真了,無謂的自疚和悔意,並不能帶到你去那」
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「這是經驗談,或許世上只有我是這樣子想,然而既然我走的路是能行人的,有目的地而不會原地踏步,那麼成為開路第一人又如何?」
380Please respect copyright.PENANAmt8OogkGce
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佐島的神情告訴我的,才不只是不甘心
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「你又怎知道自己不是在原地踏步?」
380Please respect copyright.PENANAIGxNjKCMCK
「至少你在我眼中是」
380Please respect copyright.PENANALraL9KKb7H
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「你要殺死所有宿主嗎?」
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「你也要殺死我嗎?捨棄掉所有感情及過去」
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「你要無視你所遺留下來的傷害和恐懼嗎?單純為了那『正義』?又有誰會和你一樣奉之呢?」
380Please respect copyright.PENANAWY2vGOtRII
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「花子,你是孤獨的,這不是你的錯,然而將理想帶到現實,太荒謬吧,太自私了,這就是你的錯」
380Please respect copyright.PENANASvkWxrbLfE
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「你可是在重演歷史啊」
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「呵呵」
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冷笑表達出來是敷衍和嘲諷,儘管腦子並沒有這些明顯的意願,不過身體自己有另一套想法般,或許是它的影響,也可能單單是自己沒有好好地留意身心,自己真實的心情
380Please respect copyright.PENANA6SiIRr8h7q
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「你可是一點也不明白呢」
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聳聳肩,我打量著他的過去,在意識中重播畫面,唸道
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「重演歷史?明明只是原地踏步才會淪於同個狀況,改變才有希望的可能性,不是嗎?」
380Please respect copyright.PENANA9xB6kfV7Uk
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380Please respect copyright.PENANAoO5xknEMZ7
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「我做出了改變,而你沒有」
380Please respect copyright.PENANAjCTiLq64uD
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「那只是又荒唐又野蠻執念,你真的看不清楚嗎?」
380Please respect copyright.PENANAUGRyLYzOqp
380Please respect copyright.PENANAC2wc6fSygy
少年再次發聲,然而對於我來說,聲音若沒有內容,根本算不上為言語話句
380Please respect copyright.PENANAV1vqViutri
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「那換著你的立場又如何?至少我不認為你的發表有任何根據,甚至連一個『零認知檢定』也做不到,你既沒有真實的把握,亦沒有實行的堅定,空泛的言論怎叫人信服?」
380Please respect copyright.PENANAT3qfPlAsr5
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「我可是看過你的過去,別以為你的精神力稍強就可以免於能力」
380Please respect copyright.PENANASMbWBPtyI0
「宿主能力,可是一個強大的詛咒」
380Please respect copyright.PENANAA1X1D1fvim
「我說,你,就不這樣認同嗎?」
380Please respect copyright.PENANAAxQwkiKTpK
對其一句,男子有刻屏止了呼吸
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「所以我說,你不後悔嗎?」
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「不,我不應該這樣問」
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整理了一下思緒,摸著下巴,我繼續
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「那麼,我問你」
380Please respect copyright.PENANA4SY64xZRDA
「既然你批評我的看法是自私的,你想我所做出的改變是什麼?莫非要我和你同一樣?默默自責一生一世便足夠了嗎?」
380Please respect copyright.PENANA7SEEW8IIeZ
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「我知道的是:死人不會改變」
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「我知道的是:行動勝於一切」
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「我和你有著相似的過去,你認不認同也好,這些年來,世界的確將我們掉進同一個地獄中」
380Please respect copyright.PENANApYijeB5Eov
「但你沒有變,對,只有我變了,因為我們之間的差異」
380Please respect copyright.PENANAeoGsGqYQns
「分別就在於,你是活在陰影的懦夫,我是惡毒邪教的教宗」
380Please respect copyright.PENANAzdpC1Ad9rR
「我是壞人,而你,誰也不是」
380Please respect copyright.PENANAFujBLidJ3X
人都説,眼睛是靈魂的窗口,卻在語畢之際,窗口之後的閃耀開始若顯若現,搖動的信心能從微微震抖的唇瓣上感觸到
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「你想成為壞人嗎?」
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「你甘心嗎?」
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我不用深究,也很自然地知道了原因
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這場辯論,並不能去到那兒
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始終雙方,也是同一個立場,硬要人說,是說不出什麼的重點
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對其之問題,我甚至連想也不用想就回答了
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畢竟所有描述,都可以有被推翻的可能性,但唯獨事實,一個絕對的存在,無論是面對如何的挑戰又好,質問又好,也不會因而動搖
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或許我的意識會改變認知,但我相信的中心點才不會動搖
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這是我的堅持
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「不甘心,我會這樣說,但如果是同樣過來人的你,我知道,甘不甘心也好,不重要,重要的是沒有絕對的世界中,成為絕對是一個不合理」
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「不合理的事,故然不應該存在」
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「反正我不能成為每個故事中的壞人,也成不了每一個故事中的好人」
「但是,這樣足夠了」
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「始終而言,才不是好人才能改變世界」
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對
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「我的堅持,在我眼中合理就夠了」
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提起手,我引起他的注意,讓焦點落到自身上,自身要説出重點的時候
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「那麼」
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「我說,我的堅持就真的這麼不堪一擊?若是這樣,佐島你不會再回來了」
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凝視他的空洞,佐島的確是個封閉的人,心靈的真實被一層又一層的外殼包住,總和這個世界有好一段距離,使人搞不清楚他的想法,同時,也使自己也搞不懂自身所思、所想、所求、所感
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客觀事實,作為一個能看透人的身心的宿主,費點精神,稍早,不,也不只是稍為了
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在老早之前,我已經看到了那脆弱不堪的裏頭,任何紅、白、綠,也已經看到了,那怕他本人不想
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客觀陳述,我作為一個和他共渡小學時期的同學、朋友?我不知道他是怎樣看待自己的身份就是了
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我如此確信
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主觀感受,然而我相信是客觀的
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因為無論我的假設:「他來到的原因」,不論成立或否,我的立場和觀點,也不會因而出錯
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「正正是因為你,相信我可以改變,才到來」
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「全歸因於你,其實暗中亦認為我所堅持的道是合理,卻不正確罷了」
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因為支持自己想法的,唯是事實
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事情的真相
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「正不正確?不對,這才不是我所認定的」
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「單純是你的合理,存在太多假定」
380Please respect copyright.PENANA0thDLM3eQS
「你太不現實,離地了,不是正不正確」
380Please respect copyright.PENANAgmeZkgWAB0
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那麼,我還需要考慮什麼?
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「的確」
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「只是」380Please respect copyright.PENANAgC02eWb46w
ns18.219.47.115da2