
封面:
星屑 | あすてろid
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EP 6 懺悔的墮天使(裏)
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「⋯生命的特別⋯很可怕呢⋯⋯」
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但是右眼的天空,是一個長期白雲遮天的世界,較淡色的天藍
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古代中人們説天藍,是天空映照大海的顏色,但實際上,只是物理上,藍光是陽光在穿過天層的顏色,物理的折射率之類,我是不懂
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「但其實沒什麼值得害怕的地方」
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但可以確實的是,在眼睛中的世界,白雲所遮蓋的景色,是不論深海、天宇也有的存在
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「⋯老實說⋯」
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「對不起⋯我對自己所做的,是清楚後果,純粹意識驅使的」
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「即使⋯⋯沒錯,我在毀了我們的人生」
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「我的意圖⋯是這樣而」
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「另類的自由」
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微風一吹天上浮雲,是一道紅印,連接天庭之上,地殼之下的裂痕,跨越天地的烈火,在靈魂的視線中成為分隔,模糊不清的垂直式境界線
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看太陽,黃金的焰是分兩邊;看海洋,碧藍的池是截為二界;看人心,黑白無常的兩側,是鏡像,不分彼此之先後,共存而為一,其中黑中有白,白中亦有黑,各方背對背,而正身為另一半的背身
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「但又如何?」
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俗語有句:「知道得太多反而是罪」
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「⋯哈哈⋯⋯」
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「我已經連思考的動力,一拼放棄了」
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「為什麼?別問我,已經不想去思考了」
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太清楚人的善與惡,無法去承擔真相的殘酷,只是一種天生尤來的自討苦吃、自作孽
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自作孽、不可活
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「哈⋯⋯」
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「絕望⋯感覺真的很奇怪」
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「明明很傷心,很憤怒」
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「但是⋯感覺很想笑呢⋯⋯我」
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她如此相信
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擁抱碎片的少女,是為了讓胸膛充實,而狠狠地塞進那空洞,卻可以從指間流出的罪惡感,並不能填補到碎片佔據不了的空間,怎樣子用力都好,缺失的感覺才不能以單純的衝動支撐,能令幸福幻想失真的緣由,不是一笑置之解決到的問題
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「⋯⋯」
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「⋯對不起」
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「也許,您應該下手」
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如此提議著,她的話語勾起了那個思維來,將躺平的身體抱住,讓指尖能觸及到人體最虛弱的位置,胸口
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心臟的顫抖,是與自己同步的不安,連同呼吸、痛楚、傷感、崩潰的淚奔,這份被絕望籠罩的氛圍,要束住喉嚨的辛苦
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把呼吸止住,是多麼的容易
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尤如五指合實的一瞬間,只是下意識,做出抉擇,就可以從掙扎中逃脫,投身進黑夜中,在墮落最後一秒屏住的生存證明,保持不思考的結果是簡單不過,一定,絕對地比起堅持而言如是
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移動手肘一寸,讓刀鋒切開單是表面、實則無謂的堅持,便能看到希望的赤紅,自由的本性
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私輩我當然可以殺了她
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可是這樣,又是為了什麼?
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看呀
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我如果這樣子刺下去,就只不過是認輸了
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我那樣子做的話,是救不了誰
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星火若未曾覺悟要自燃才能輝亮,只會停留在星塵之中
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私輩之用,祗非開河,乃遙治海
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私輩⋯⋯卻⋯
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連自己也救不了
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對不起
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連去堅持下去的精力也沒有,遙遠的未來也是海灘上的草描,沙畫終會被浪波掩蓋,淚沾沙蓋的大地,總有天回到平洋中
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對不起
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這是誰人的錯呢?
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對呢,是誰的責任?
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只有一個人可責怪
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只有一個人
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「對不起」
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「奈穂子⋯」
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「對不起⋯⋯」
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「但已經沒關係了」
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我做不到
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我承擔不了那種未來
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