Taylor’s POV
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The door creaks open and Kim walks in followed by Jay and Ross. I open my eyes and raise my head from being slumped over the bed rails. Absolute fear seizes me realising I have fallen asleep but the reassuring tone of the beeps allows me to relax again.
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“She's beside herself" Kim says and I can see that she's been crying. Puffy eyes and flushed cheeks. Her normal well kept hair pinned back.
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As I stand and cross the room to hug her, Ross and Jay set down the takeaway pizza and I notice that Rachel and Nate have left. Most likely to rest and return in the morning which honestly I do not begrudge them. The scent of tomatoes and garlic fills the air from the pizza as I hug Kim, and she hugs me back beginning to cry on my shoulder.
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Jay serves the takeaway pizza on the side table and I smile weakly at him. Ross takes a piece and begins eating, sitting down in a chair next to the bed. Rachel had been sleeping on the other comfy recliner and he rests in it, his face drawn into a frown. I watch him briefly, the stress evident in his expression. I'm sure he found Matty, in this state. And I make a mental note to make sure he is okay later.
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Kim is clinging onto me and I just hug her. Thinking of ways that I could possibly make this better.
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"He said a few words, When you were out of the room" I say softly.
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"What did he say" she asks, pulling back astounded. The hope evident in her face again, shining through her eyes. Showing through her small smile, and I'm glad I persisted talking to him.
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I bite my tongue slightly, problem is he told me that he loved me. Which to be fair Jay knows. But still it feels like treachery to, even under the circumstances, acknowledge it and say it out loud.
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I look at her and smile.
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"He said a few words and that's a big deal. Now pizza" I say softly.
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She looks at me knowingly and smiles back.
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"Thanks Jay" she says as she takes a slice. Obviously they know each other already, Matty and Jay have been friends a long time.
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I eye the pizza and go and sit down next to Jay.
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"You know what I'm gonna say" he smiles. And I love him so much, his wry smile. He doesn't want to lecture me about eating so he turns it into a joke.
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"I'll take a piece in a minute" I smile back. And it's the most normal I've felt since I received Ross' phone call.
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"Thank you" I smile at him lingering my stare in his eyes.
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He knows that I want to say more, how much I love him and need him. How he makes everything better, and his face softens. His hand softly goes to my thigh, clasping my hand in his.
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I glance at the clock and see the lateness of the hour. Strange how time has stood still this evening. How time has refused to make any sense to me. Since I received that call my world has stopped, time has meant nothing to me.
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"Eat, Taylor" Kim says and I can't deny her. She is like an older sister to me.
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I pace over to the pizza box feeling hungry. I'm sure bump is hungry too and I smile slightly.
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"I bought you a shake too" Jay says and without looking at him I can tell that he is smiling.
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I had been craving fruit shakes, which is good because they're healthy and not half as gross as some of the cravings I could be having. Like pickles or jellied eels.
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I clasp the bottle in my hands and smile, going to sit next to him again with a slice of pizza and my shake.
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Sharing food under the circumstances is the most normal thing we have done since we all sat together in Matthew’s suite and as we eat in relative peace and quiet I continue to monitor Matthew for anymore signs or words. Not remembering when the last time was that I ate, I end up eating far too much pizza and finishing my shake.
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I sit back feeling Jays arm go behind me. I fight it but eventually I begin to fall asleep, I snuggle into his chest and he reclines my chair. Stroking my hair, his other hand rubbing my back.
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***
Jays POV
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Matty's sister, Kim, we've known each other for a very long time. Birthday parties, we celebrated most of Matty's birthdays together. From a young age. We went from playing games and hitting piñatas to playing beer pong. Getting Matty trashed on his seventeenth much to Linda’s annoyance. I remember carrying him to bed and setting him down, Kim making sure he didn’t choke in his sleep.
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I glance over at her, take in the sadness in her eyes. Then look away quickly so she doesn't catch my eye. Really I feel guilty, this is my fault. I started the feud between us. I took Taylor. I look down at her and stroke her hair back. My everything.
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I can relate to this act of desperation, if Taylor told me she would never love me again, I would be so desperate. So alone and craving an end to my life. It seems tragic and utterly illogical however I can relate.
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I sigh, a deep breath as I exhale my head going in my hands, pushing my hair back. This will affect her so much, it will take Taylor a very long time to process this. Her fight or flight kicked in right after that call. And I understand that because she cares for him.
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I glance over at Ross, and beat myself up for not being there. He found Matty. When we went to the pizza place he told me that he thought Matthew had successfully ended things. I recall how he described Matthew 's soft features and how they had gone pale, lifeless.
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"Jay" Kim says as I sit and wonder about Ross’ mental health and wellbeing. His drawn out features and odd stare as he looks directly into space.
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"Yes" I say, well this is both awkward and intriguing.
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"It's not on you either" she says softly as I look down at Taylor. Kim smiles when I meet her eyes, and something deep inside me tells me that she hasn’t forgotten the times that I looked after Matthew like a brother.
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"You love her" she half asks.
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"I love her" I say.
"And yes it is very much on me" I add.
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"No dude" Ross says concerned snapping from his trance.
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"We should have all seen the risk here" he adds clasping his head in his hands.
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I look down at Taylor, pinch my eyes closed, to stop the tears escaping. I'm sure I shock Kim crying in front of her, it's not something I ever would do before Taylor.
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Matty's monitor continues with its beeps. He will pull through this, has to. Should he not, I just don't know how to console Taylor from that kind of loss.
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Eventually none of us feels like talking anymore. But instead we all fall asleep. I wait for Ross and Kim to fall into a slumber before I lay back and close my eyes. Plunged into nightmares of the worst kind.
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