十三、40Please respect copyright.PENANAbEG7JV0Fu6
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打從一開始就錯了吧。40Please respect copyright.PENANA0j20LV0Qkb
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言曇岫不由得想,是自己天真,是自己不知足,是自己高估了自己。40Please respect copyright.PENANAFO2GYLwFJQ
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忽然襲來的夜風揚動著他們的髮梢,高大的廟門緩緩闔上了,徒留醒目的朱紅沉甸甸的壓住陰影。40Please respect copyright.PENANADQ3giGPB5h
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原來沒辦法啊。40Please respect copyright.PENANA8gAlL7sjS3
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他可以看著黎絳洵得償所願、抱得美人歸,可以繼續逼自己當他的弟弟,可是,原來他沒辦法接受自己被當成另一個人的替身。40Please respect copyright.PENANAHcvI94Y0hx
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如果還是那個什麼都懵懂的言府庶長子,只要能逃離地獄,觸碰光亮,他願意的;如今,他知道了黎絳洵是怎樣對待深愛的人,他知道了在萬劫不復的深淵中,沒有光、沒有救贖,跳動的心也會被磋磨至失去生機。40Please respect copyright.PENANAnaZySaRDuz
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自由的感覺是黎絳洵贈與的,倘若他要收回,自己不該有怨言,然而選擇權在自己的話,實話說,他不願意。40Please respect copyright.PENANAwk9kGeB0M7
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複雜的情感、想法難以一一辨明、梳理,言曇岫垂眸,不再望黎絳洵。40Please respect copyright.PENANAJ1e1T8tEnG
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好不容易才恢復的腿又開始發疼、刺麻的感覺在腿腳向上攀爬,言曇岫轉身踏入夜色中,前方的路並不好辨認,沒有提燈照亮的話,周遭的房屋之間,隔得有些遠,他無法走快,也許是因此才感覺胸口如灌了越來越多的水銀,一步一步越發艱難,鞋履陷入不存在的泥濘裡,脫著他的步伐。40Please respect copyright.PENANAdhWfAsxlmA
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會後悔嗎?40Please respect copyright.PENANAzShUmMyYqa
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明媚耀眼的日子,黎絳洵負暄春日,細密柔軟的光籠罩著他,成熟沉穩的黎家公子會對他露出笑意,讓他產生了自己與對方關係親暱的錯覺,而實際上,原來不過是沾他人的光。40Please respect copyright.PENANADRhWHwF4vA
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他無法知足。40Please respect copyright.PENANA2VFlJ5fF4h
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黎絳洵口中的過去,言曇岫沒有經歷過,無論是鏡花水月或者南柯一夢,唯一可以確認的是,言曇岫從來不在故事中。40Please respect copyright.PENANAHIoPW5Oyih
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言曇岫無法得知,那個冒著大雨去敲門的是誰,也無從猜測,倘若黎絳洵沒有改變這一切,自己是不是真的會用言曇橋的身分,陪黎絳洵走過生命中最黑暗的日子。40Please respect copyright.PENANA3WAg54j2Bx
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他身上的疤確實獨特得不可能有第二個人有,或許也如黎絳洵所言,他們有許多一樣的經歷,可即便是傳聞中的並蒂雙生花,最終也有一方會被強走所有,枯萎死亡,愛意怎能合流或兩生?40Please respect copyright.PENANAN3yis4Q1F9
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既然黎絳洵在過去的相處中,並沒有喜歡上言曇岫,那便是結果了。40Please respect copyright.PENANAFBk6AV5ol7
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言曇岫不能驗證、也無法做出相同的事情,抉擇本就是摒棄另一方,如曼朱沙華的花與葉,如倉央嘉措所言:「世間安得雙全法?不負如來不負卿。」終究魚與熊掌不可兼得。40Please respect copyright.PENANAHBpdNAQzcg
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倘若反過來,在聯想到自己是那個人之前,黎絳洵對自己已有旁的情愫,這身分是真是假,一點也不重要。40Please respect copyright.PENANALPFRkVIFZ5
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然而黎絳洵既然這樣傾心那個人,就不會放下,他在未來都不可能再只將自己視為言曇岫。40Please respect copyright.PENANApX02n0Jovx
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得到後再失去,就如讓人感染風寒的溫差,只會比從未有過希望讓人更加虛弱。40Please respect copyright.PENANAKsgDDZinkv
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視野開拓後、智識增長後,既已知調轉後,等著自己的是什麼,即便仍是回頭重選,也不再純粹,又怎能一樣?40Please respect copyright.PENANAljJfLGZ035
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於黎絳洵而言,他們可能是兩個相同的人;對言曇岫來說,他們卻是兩個截然不同的人。40Please respect copyright.PENANAYkfD4CQ04R
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「但我其實,也很混亂啊。」身後忽然傳來了這樣音量大到無法忽略的話語,言曇岫訝異的回頭,第一次看見這樣狼狽失態的黎絳洵。40Please respect copyright.PENANA0UrORCczi7
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黎絳洵喘了幾下後,繼續說:「我一直、一直都想著,只要綉綉也回到我身邊,我就別無所求,可是你……你對我說的話、做的事,讓我遲疑了,你離開的話,我不可能了無遺憾。」40Please respect copyright.PENANA8fVOVKgzxO
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言曇岫愣愣地問:「那是什麼意思?」40Please respect copyright.PENANAH1w9hg5Ifw
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「我知道這樣說很狡猾,然而我也真的很混亂,我沒有想過對她以外的人動心,是而後來……後來,只要想到你,我就很難呼吸,覺得自己背叛了她。」黎絳洵痛苦地閉上眼,好不容易才有餘力,繼續開口:「我只是在取巧而已。原本我已經開始卑鄙地改變了答案,要是能找到綉綉,我依然會護她終老、不會讓她再受苦,此外,什麼都沒有了,你和她都沒有,我無法給你的承諾與回應,我也……沒辦法給她了。」40Please respect copyright.PENANAIe2eF99hkT
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言曇岫呆立在原處良久,仍然無法消化黎絳洵的話。40Please respect copyright.PENANAnl50xGM7VO
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黎絳洵睜開眼,艱難地直視言曇岫說:「我只是在取巧而已,因為只要你們是同一個人,我就不需要兩個人都放棄,可是那是不對的,那對你、不公平。是我怯懦取巧,對不起……對不起,我沒有好好面對你。」40Please respect copyright.PENANAGa45PNICjr
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當僵硬的手指微微一動,嵌進手心裡的指甲留下了弧形的疼痛,言曇岫對於眼前的一切,都無法理解,眨眼為何拖得這樣長、在廟埕時悶著的夜風為何轉寒、黎絳洵為何與他在沒有其他人經過的小路上相對而立、黎絳洵為何看上去這樣低落、自己為何站在這裡、黎絳洵剛才說話了嗎、黎絳洵說的是什麼意思,這些都沒有任何預期中的答案可以套用。40Please respect copyright.PENANAQfMmwSxNTY
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他能對黎絳洵所說的,最沉重、最大真心的想法,已經付諸語言,為什麼這個人追了上來?40Please respect copyright.PENANAd1zcj44bdl
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為什麼黎絳洵會把他和綉綉姑娘相提並論?40Please respect copyright.PENANAp8O8D96Bhf
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近在咫尺的答案過於美好,言曇岫不敢抓握,碰只要自己再動分毫,美夢就會醒來。40Please respect copyright.PENANAnxRZ0tXelE
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只是過往的夢中,他從來沒有意識到自己身處夢境過,也不曾有過這麼踰越現實分際的夢,夢裡總是灰暗、疼痛,他人的惡意加身,逃得再用力,也總會被捉回原點,在無止盡的災厄之中,沒有最糟,只有從地獄再往下墜,只有更絕望,所謂的未來、前途,不過是以為被掐滅時,餘溫再冷一點、更冷一點。40Please respect copyright.PENANAdsXGpnhRxS
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夢裡沒有救贖,夢裡沒有光,夢裡沒有顏色,即便出現花朵、也只有單調而無變化的灰色,夢裡沒有黎絳洵會拉他出去。40Please respect copyright.PENANABfu1xZmk5P
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夢與現實之外,還剩下什麼可能……幻覺?40Please respect copyright.PENANAFch27RU3QK
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幻覺的話,是自己病入膏肓了嗎?40Please respect copyright.PENANAEJMOX4zW4Y
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恍惚的神智無法辨識越來越近的黎絳洵代表什麼,言曇岫的袖角被黎絳洵一點一點攢進掌心,直到袖中的手隨之向上,黎絳洵緩緩將指尖覆在言曇岫指背,輕輕虛握。40Please respect copyright.PENANAkiZqCZlluI
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失重與暈眩沿著血液渲染開來,落入那小心翼翼的懷抱裡時,言曇岫仍舊困在迷茫中,伸手不見五指的濃霧隔絕了視野與思緒的牽連。40Please respect copyright.PENANAGKMrB6Li8B
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黎絳洵的嗓音細小柔軟、微微顫抖著:「我還沒在這裡見過雪,你願意和我同去嗎?」40Please respect copyright.PENANAL0DIcEu14V
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一花一世界,一沙一天堂;須彌納芥子,芥子納須彌。40Please respect copyright.PENANAvHUKT62B99
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剎那裡濃縮了永恆。40Please respect copyright.PENANACvJIpuiLQh
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時間的流逝失去了被賦予的意義。40Please respect copyright.PENANApjhXr2wZ8e
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過了很久很久,言曇岫才啟唇說:「今日已是花朝節,趕不上雪融的。」40Please respect copyright.PENANAhIaojgEn3z
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黎絳洵抿唇後說:「還有今年冬季,或者明年,很多場雪。」40Please respect copyright.PENANAxcjagEHaYl
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不久後,他們一起走在晦暗不明的路上,黎絳洵沒有明說,言曇岫亦沒有實際回答,只是此時兩人都知道、自己和對方無法再繼續這個話題,由於時間已晚,即便走過街市,大部分的店家都已打烊閉門,只有少數幾家還在廊前簷下掛著幾盞燈籠。40Please respect copyright.PENANArFoikeHY20
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言曇岫忽然停了下來,燈火通明將少見的華麗建物照得朱紅灩灩,餘下的彤光映在言曇岫臉上,黎絳洵凝視著這樣的言曇岫良久後才問起,「先前,你認識的那些花娘,我對她們不太禮貌,如果想賠罪的話,送胭脂好嗎?」40Please respect copyright.PENANARTXhjUZArn
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──言曇岫凝睇的正是這附近最有名氣的花樓。40Please respect copyright.PENANAYzlvzlq462
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「不禮貌?是指什麼樣的事情?」40Please respect copyright.PENANAMkvdgRRauz
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「每次看見你和她們親近,我總是擅自將你拉走,確實失了禮數。」40Please respect copyright.PENANAMuRWLBAtFt
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言曇岫望著他許久後問:「你想親自去道歉嗎?」40Please respect copyright.PENANA2S8lYWuGCE
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「可我沒進過秦樓楚館,身上也沒可以做為贈禮的東西。」40Please respect copyright.PENANAu1PylBAcAz
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「以前也沒有嗎?」40Please respect copyright.PENANAKHtnTMC5T6
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黎絳洵頓了頓,反應過來言曇岫問的以前是什麼意思,避開他的視線,尷尬地說:「婚後都沒有。」40Please respect copyright.PENANA6Cxk6nSbyc
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言曇岫只是點頭,沉默地繼續朝黎家走,黎絳洵雖然沒幾步就追上了他,仍是分辨不出言曇岫現在的心情。40Please respect copyright.PENANAG1yRToO0eQ
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由於前陣子言曇岫時常會晚歸,有時甚至夜不歸宿,廚房那邊會在灶上留一點可以保存比較長或者加熱即可食用的簡易吃食,黎家二老也有了年紀,雖然他們倆個晚輩還沒回來,不過今天是花朝節,應該也沒有特意等門,早早睡下了。40Please respect copyright.PENANA2MBPhUmolO
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言曇岫點燃了廚房裡的蠟燭,站在灶前,拿起木製的蓋板,低頭望向大鍋,一日奔波下來,早已脫離髮帶束縛的碎髮垂下來,擋住了視線。40Please respect copyright.PENANAodGLGTVBXA
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黎絳洵替他將髮絲順至耳後。40Please respect copyright.PENANAcnPB2fDlyz
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可能是趁他們開門時進來的貓,走到了他腳邊,端坐著朝他們叫。40Please respect copyright.PENANARXzUBJUo5Y
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言曇岫先弄了點貓食給貓,貓三兩下吃完後,就跑了,言曇岫望著貓離開的窗,不曉得在想什麼。40Please respect copyright.PENANALPKz0tjiFu
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最後他放了三個餡餅下去鍋裡煎,黎絳洵很快身上也跟著染上了油煙味,但他仍沒有離開,只是一味凝望著言曇岫。40Please respect copyright.PENANA9DPSj5smZe
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「你一直看,也不會更快弄好的。要不要先出去等?」言曇岫頭也沒抬,只留意著時不時用煎匙將餡餅翻面。40Please respect copyright.PENANAJNI9bJ5YvQ
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為了方便做事,而提早束起的袖子裡,探出來一截手腕,輕而易舉地被濺起的油燙出紅點,言曇岫尚未抬手檢查,黎絳洵已經將乾淨的巾帕浸了涼水,蓋在他燙傷的地方。40Please respect copyright.PENANAZtVgtKduXK
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黎絳洵微微皺著眉專心捧著他手腕的模樣,言曇岫很難挪開眼。40Please respect copyright.PENANAhJGsQXrUsY
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如果不是再不翻面、餡餅快焦了,他不曉得自己什麼時候才會收回手。40Please respect copyright.PENANAAP8rBoNaYP
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和這段期間的戰戰兢兢、心緒劇烈起伏相比,此刻雖只是日常一隅,卻靜好得令人對瞬間延伸成永恆有了奢望。40Please respect copyright.PENANAZAgrSryKz4
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