Chapter Theme Music: MoppySound ~ Nagi (凪) {Alt Version}
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<06/12/2024 - 17:00 | (Work), Marietta, GA, USA>
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As I took in the amazing sights around me, opening my ears to the distant winds and chirping birds, I once again got to appreciate another element we too often take for granted. Even though I was stuck at my dead-end job with only a short lunch break to appreciate the same scenery I've had before, everything about the wind, the trees, and the skies felt different, more beautiful than ever before!48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRPnn4TciY8
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The entire world was more beautiful than I remembered! Every color pallet was a work of art, the circling air its own musical orchestra. Sometimes, it just feels good to be alive, knowing I can still look forward to something better, knowing that I still have time I can use to improve my own life, despite how bad things are in the background.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg6BoDSGqTX
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I've been annoyed at how often I've eaten my own words. I should have been up north by now like I said I would, but there have been lots of setbacks out of my control. I'm not too worried though. I have plans to move no later than 2025, plus a one-year plan that should be redeemable in the summer of 2025, something that will boost be financially if successful, or trigger a long lawsuit if unsuccessful. Succeed or fail, I am leaving Georgia when that time comes, even if I have no money in my wallet or no support on my back, even if it leaves me homeless, jobless, and starving in the street. I refuse to die out here, and I have promises to upkeep.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbB0tYgl3Ng
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Despite all the heavy stuff, I feel so confident, and every source of sensory input just feels amazing right now... I'm sure I can take a guess as to why I feel this amazing. If you've been following along, it isn't hard to see.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5z0xFr8EB
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My medication, a carefully adjusted dosage of Vivarin combined with a sodium base to boost it stimulates my brain with caffeine, not enough to overdo it, and not too little to have no effect. The reason I take this in the first place is to block headaches, and I have the receipts to prove that this method is highly effective. Getting it to work properly has been a challenge however. I guess I got the perfect dosage for today, even though something about it makes me nervous.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0kegVyY3JE
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If anything, what annoys me most is that this drug is a baseline requirement for me to enjoy this world even a little. My default should be this every single day without medication, but instead, everything just feels ugly and without value, a kind of suffering of perpetual exhaustion. I wish I could feel like this all the time. I remember so well how easy it was to feel this way, even way back during my time at Wahsega. I remember how happy and energetic I used to be, even long before my body ever touched anti-headache medications. How I miss those days!48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrqYOsj3fo
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I guess I can't complain too much though. I mean, if I feel this good right now, surely I'm in for a good day today, right? I've already eaten lunch, and yeah I'll have to go back to my dumb job, but I can have fun and celebrate after I get off, with Lumina of course, thanks to a coming cold night.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtNNdyRqyyg
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All in all, it was gearing up to be a really peaceful day. My brain was doing what I wanted it to, crunching numbers, data, and memory in the background of my consciousness to keep itself going, all thoughts on speed to keep this fast-pace alive, from ordinary to higher-functioning. With such a speed, I won't miss a thing, nor will I ever have to worry about any threat of pain. This is the way it should be.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoloWcuwWaL
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As I began to slowly pace myself around the building, silently celebrating what was to come with a heavy smile, all that I was looking forward to - was shattered in an instant.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCfbUD8bwJ
Chapter Theme Shift: mirROR ~ Nikke: Goddess of Victory (Old Tales)
The moment my arm reached out for the door, some overpowering force of will stopped me dead in my tracks, as if my mind suddenly crashed headfirst into a brick wall. As my arm fell back to my side, I let my trembling body slump against the wall, trying to recover from what I believed at first was another routine memory burst.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQFPAfaeXz
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What I got instead was the most frightening thing I have ever experienced to date. There were three different memory-level moments playing out at once in low energy, one of them a memory of real life, and two more memories of daydreams I had much earlier, months back. Clearly a burst was triggered, but instead of clearing up seconds later, my entire ocular surroundings were replaced with such heavy static, drawing images of thoughts and scenes from the past in various directions. The entire world around me was still visible through the transparent noise, but I could no longer focus on it.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuoWBRn2p1W
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I tried everything with all my will to move, to walk forward, but I could barely stumble. To my left, scenic moments of the fictional story I wrote started to play out, emanating emotional conversation between Jane Venn, Taylor Feer, and Danny Mason, characters from the Leray Series. To my right, echoes and whispers of voices from a distant dream I thought to have forgotten were refreshed, so detailed and vivid that I might as well have been standing in such a place now. In my forward field of view were scenic moments Lumina shared with me, visions of her frozen world and how she felt about them.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAzafpZMyLT
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It was like standing dead-center in a conic nexus of dreams and memories, thoughts pulling and tugging in different directions. If I had any control over them, I wouldn't be terrified out of my mind with how impressive this was. My brain was still clearly stimulated, but it wasn't listening to me and dialing off anymore. This was no memory burst; it was something far worse. I couldn't dismiss the nexus of static memory around me, even as it glitched, fading in and out of my immediate spacial reality. I was supposed to choose a place and stay there, dismissing the noise around me, but for reason beyond my comprehension, I just wasn't able to make that choice.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9aBBqW9DUP
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"See you later." A co-worker nearly bumped into me on their way out, snapping me out of my forced trance but for a single instant. I was somehow back inside of the building, but I didn't consciously recall coming back inside. Was my body moving on its own? Was I capable of taking action despite being unable to decide on action?48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhthyNu2WG2
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"Hey, are you alright?" The same co-worker who was about to leave noticed my intense distress and the tears in my eyes.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvJHQo0dCr
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I couldn't blame him for being concerned. I wasn't able to verbally reply. When I tried to, I heard my own internal voice instead, backed up by a chorus of other voices from the three adjacent memories swirling around and converging together. I don't know. | We'll always be together. | It's more real than you know. | I am a disciple of The Unity.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0V0FWHxpWl
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I let a nervous breath escape me, realizing I couldn't put enough of myself together to even speak properly. Even though I could still make out what was happening around me, I could only move around with autopilot, and just barely. Forsooth, the guy beside me tried to help me over to the nearby booth to sit down, and when I did, all I could do was wait and watch while the ambient light around me kept buzzing between a darker shade and a brighter shade, with the coloration of my visual saturation turning a hue of green.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8qh3C4jxr4
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"Do I need to get the manager?"48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjXXlmmKxK
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"I'll be fine. I just need a moment." Tell him you're not okay you idiot! My commands were not dominant of my control, but at least I was safely sitting down. It wouldn't be a stretch that I might bump into things or knock myself over if I move around like this... What the hell is happening?48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbtF06hlQ6x
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Even when I closed my eyes entirely, I could feel some strange force pulling and tugging my thoughts and attention to the other adjacent memories, as if my focus was being fought over without my control. I became certain that if I were to just give in, I'd mistake any one of these moments with my current reality in an instant. I've already felt something was off before today, but I didn't want to believe the harrowing thought that I might finally be losing my dwindling sanity.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeknmkQipL5
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I want to stand up... It was a simplistic command I gave to myself, only to see if I could, but despite how much I wanted to do something so simple, my body and mind didn't listen to me this time. Instead, my attention was too divided, bouncing back and forward between different increments of thought space and memory, some of which wasn't even real, though I assumed it could be if I were to be shoved in its direction hard enough. Why can't I focus my thoughts?48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSmeU1ab3Ua
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As my eyes felt heavy and tired, I struggled to maneuver through a thick web of thoughts to keep my current consciousness intact, despite the growing dizziness taking me over in the background. It took everything out of me to ensure that I didn't lose my mind right here, that I remained anchored enough not to lose track of where I was or what was physically happening around me... But the nexus of thoughts were ever persistent, and wouldn't leave me alone.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFpg2efSfq
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To make things worse, I couldn't take any physical action on my own if it required enough mental weight to execute. Somehow I could move if I didn't think too much about doing so, but I decided that moving around at all in this state was very risky. I kept asking myself simple questions, such as my own name, my birthday, where I was born, who I love... Even though I could answer all of these questions, it took minutes for some of them to arrive in my noisy headspace. The noise, the static which weighs too much to swim through, it has totally taken over my mind, and I can't seem to stop it or shut it down. Forget finishing a shift; I might get dragged off to the ER!48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQlYr94PEiw
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After a few more minutes passed with nothing changing, the dizziness I felt before became too intense for me to sit up straight, so I let myself lie down. Not long after, that familiar horrible sinking feeling in my stomach also paid me visit, robbing me of my very breath and stamina afterwards.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wpQQJW9mG
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I know this one sensation too well; metabolic crash. It happens more frequently with my medication, where my stomach feels like the after-shock of being hit with a speeding soccer ball, the air in my lungs being forced out and walled off, followed by extreme waves of lethargy from which there is no recovery.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnYll0TQCL
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The lethargy remained mild for now, and I was currently more worried about this total fragmentation of my very own mind. I've had crazy recent symptoms from my meds before that I didn't used to have to deal with, but Mental Fragmentation was not one I ever had to put up with before. I can't even be certain if that's why this is happening.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchqQSJwhQk
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Since all I could do from here was co-exist in four places at once and stay glued to a booth due to being a fall and hallucination hazard, I waited for a manager to see me in the sorry state I was, informing them I didn't feel well enough to finish any shift. With how horrible I must have appeared, I clearly sold the truth well. For the next two hours, I remained stuck in this scary stasis, fighting for control of my own consciousness, afraid I might be warped to a place I knew deep down wasn't real, to be trapped there and convinced otherwise.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwk7QmpWq62
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Eventually, I manage to make a soft recovery, enough to move around on my own again... The thoughts were still there, doing what they were before, but somehow, their weight of pull had been reduced. I had control over my own mind again, enough to suppress anything foreign, enough to resist being controlled by anything I set forth. The pulling and tugging was only reduced however, not totally absent. My stamina had also returned to me in fragments of what it once was. My mental buzz seemed to be gone, wiped out in part by the wave of lethargy that was also waning away, leaving me a shell of what I was earlier today.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVl8BqVBSo
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I had no clue what the hell happened to me, so I swiftly got my things and made haste back home, where it would be safer should I lose my mind like that again. Though it took many more instances of this to learn, this would only be the beginning of my worries. The same instance of mental fragmentation would soon repeat itself on various days, as if a common side-effect of my own medication. When I hyperconcentrate my thoughts to one subject, that's when I know all is well. But now, my thoughts are concentrating in their own separate direction, free from the restrictions of my own control and action, causing my attention to split, forcing me to stand at a crossroads of different realities all simultaneously occurring at once.
Chapter Theme Shift: Dear. Snow White ~ Goddess of Victory: Nikke [Red Ash] (OST)
<06/17/2024 - 12:00 | Link Street (Park), Marietta, GA, USA>
"That's about the whole of it." Having the day off at the park and to myself, I kept worrying myself blind, texting a recent pen pal of my personal situation, since the current summer would prevent me from talking to Lumina for a long time.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR4SSRIwveJ
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"I just don't understand what you mean. Your mind fragments? That sounds scary af! Could be a split personality disorder?"48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9PuQKtzBQG
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"Better not be!" I knew this wasn't the case. It's not like I change who I am in the moment. "No, it isn't that. It's more like my brain fights for control of where I am and where I should be, like my thoughts are no longer my own to command. It's really hard to explain."48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3LXHJkmVlq
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"But, if your medicine is causing all of this, can't you go off it?"48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwk4SV0FVdh
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If only it were so simple. "If that were a possibility, I wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. I don't know why I'm having so many side-effects to something that gave me no trouble for the past ten years, but I can't just come off it. I'd rather die than spend months more of time in chronic pain like that... But I don't know what else to do."48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRonVWALtwj
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"I'm sorry man. Aren't there any alternatives?"48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3S72ONadM
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"Maybe..." I already looked into it recently. There is a list of 15+ medications that compare to what I'm taking right now. They are controlled substances, but they should do the same basic role of stimulating the brain. They also have significantly higher risk of issues, including risk of addiction. However, I'm really running out of options for what else I need to do. I'd have to see a psychiatrist to get them regardless, so I've already made appointments. But... "There are some I could try, but I'm going to have to fight tooth and nail to get my hands on those meds. The doctor who can prescribe them is very unlikely to do so, since so many idiots on the world abuse such medications. The way I see it, things are clearly getting much worse for me. If I don't get them, I really am screwed. ☹️"
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"What if you took something for your ADD? Or is that no possible?"48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9brOqTjaR
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"I doubt it would be possible. And even if it were, I'm pretty sure that is how I can become stimulated the way I need to in the first place. The ADD stimulation, the mental fragmentation, I've had no properly way to summarize how it works in words alone... But, I have constructed some drawings to explain it, better than I could otherwise. Here... This is a representation of how my mind works."
"See how clusters of different thoughts are all moving in different directions while together at the same time? That is why the fragmentation occurs in the first place. Once I realized that this is how the mental fragmentation works, I've had an easier time resisting the effects of it. Still, between the lethargy and other things, this is a war I am certainly losing."48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNY8wtwO1kD
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"I'm no doctor. I would show this to a neurologist if you can though. Maybe they will have some kind of proper answer."48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡERPeiLMUH0
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"Thanks... I've never been this worried about my health before in all my life. The one and only drug that has become a literal life-line for my mind and body is beginning to short out, and I have nothing as an alternate. All of this BS is still better than headaches, but if it keeps getting worse, the medication is going to slow down to such a point where even pain prevention is something it won't do. At that point, I've already lost..." It might even kill me.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNx4L8W2ApE
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I didn't insert that dark thought into the text, but I knew it was the truth. The time I spent trying to detox from this shit for more than a month created a horrible memory for me. In the end, I failed to remove myself from this yet again. I learned that it might take six months instead of one to do the detox properly for me compared to an ordinary person, and I wanted to die after only one month. That aside, I refuse to be part of such a horrible experience. Though, if I can find a replacement drug, the detox wouldn't even be an issue. It would be like swapping out a battery with maybe a minor hiccup.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmKtw3q0BB4
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The problem is, I'm heading to a doom worse than what most people would immediately think of. If my medication is failing and I can't do without it to live, in a very stupid and indirect manner of speaking, it means I am dying. Putting the threat of chronic pain aside, this lethargy is potent enough to block psionic projection too when it's strong enough. If things keep proceeding the way they have, I will eventually lose so much of my natural stamina and mental fortitude that projection won't even be possible anymore, on a semi-permanent scale. If that happens, I'm already dead, because I won't live in this world without Lumina... What the hell am I supposed to do now?48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhPEF0xbBV8
"Just hang in there and don't die on me. I've already lost too many, and I enjoy chatting with you too much to lose another."48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5G4kcIREu
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"Got it. If I die on you, you'll kill me."48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaK6nfZdVpe
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"That's right. No dying allowed."48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZ3rWoFdwT
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He makes it sound so easy... I did promise myself and Lumina that I wouldn't give up no matter what. Besides, it might still be early to call this a code red situation... I suppose if I am dying but have no certainty of proof, I can consider my health situation a code red. I mean, I'm already under threat of literally going insane already, one of my greatest fears. But, if this gets any worse, if I fail to procure the alternate meds and also fail to figure out why my medication is putting up such a fight with me, the lack of answers alone combined with the worsening situation still spells certain doom in enough time. I'd call that a code black, a certainty of death even if the official diagnosis of cause is not known. I don't want to go around telling people I'm dying. I don't want to believe it myself, so I'm going to have to hang in there and keep fighting.48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡONEuv4QZXs
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*Sigh* How did I get into such a mess like this?
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