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<09/01/2010 - 09:50 | Saffrin Middle School (Math), Austell, GA, USA>
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Last night, I must have cried an entire bucket of tears, wrapping my entire soul in the depression that sank in. It was so intense that waking up today, I felt only a quarter of the energy I was used to feeling, physically and emotionally.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡutt4DZ2BZs
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But I didn't forget anything that happened. I knew what we were going to be in for as soon as math class starts, my mind already racing by the time I entered the classroom with Banarus and Malica, who were conversing with each other. I meant what I said earlier, about making sure she understands exactly how pissed off I am. The experience may have weakened me, but the anger from being cheated on remained so strong.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXE1kCdWxN
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I saw both of them standing beside their usual place of desks, with faces of regret and worry. It was obvious that Malica told Banarus everything that happened, assuming she didn't lie about the details of what she did. No, they would be their usual happy selves if the conversation topic were anything else. And that's the way it should be, because I wasn't happy right now.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCNSOH856KF
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Soon enough, I brought myself beside them, my eyes fixed on Malica, my expression letting her know I would never forgive her. "So," I projected loudly enough for anyone to hear. "About that call last night..." I put my hands on my hips, waiting for another pathetic answer from her. I still deserved to hear directly from her, even if it wasn't what she wanted right now. Malica can't just get rid of me that easily.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGKtHKgS2Rg
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Fighting the tears in her eyes, Malica stuttered an exhale while bowing ever so slightly in apology. "I'm so sorry I cheated on you. It wasn't right of me to do that at all."212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMt1inRdgt7
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So she admits it at last! I guess if anything, this was one of the two things I wanted her to say to me. I don't care how sorry she says she is. What's done is done. She admitted to doing so, which was a first step in doing the right thing. Still, there was something more I wanted to know. "Why did you do it?" I don't care if it was one of those questions most people can't answer. I wanted to know her reasons for doing that to me. What was going through her mind? How did she really feel about us?212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7JQLOFu6QF
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"I, I don't know."212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYPiuZaS41E
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"Not good enough."212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGd6S4SjXR4
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Feeling five times worse than before, Malica shut her eyes in shame, unable to answer what should have been a fair question. She was silent for some time before repeating, "I really don't know why. All I know is that I'm sorry."212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfOfQL7ZVIr
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She did something horrible without ever knowing the reason why? Or maybe it's because she doesn't mean any of the words she is saying. She probably wanted to cheat on me, but she just won't admit it. Either way, someone who lies like that cannot be taken seriously, even right now. "Apologize all you want. But you and me are over." I meant every word, as if my last statement wasn't obvious enough by now. I could see the regretful look on Malica's face. Banarus appeared to be the same way, but I already knew that her role in all of this was to sympathize with Malica. They are best friends after all, so this really ended up hurting her too.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVa16g8E75G
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Just as I continued making them feel bad one minute away from the start of the class, I noticed from the corner of my eye at the doorway entrance that Kenzaki was approaching the three of us. With such timing, I gave Malica my final regards. Speaking up loud enough to ensure even he could hear me, I assured Malica, "You and Kenzaki won't have to worry about a thing. Part of me feels kind of bad for him." With him now standing right behind Malica and Banarus, I twisted and lifted both hands nodding my head to the gesture for his sake. "Isn't that right, Kenzaki?"212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yJ3BI5Xow
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Malica and Banarus both turned around as quickly as they could, twitchy that he somehow walked up behind them without being noticed. His presence here only complicated everything much further, for them.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzFhpepnu2G
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"Hey, butt out man!" Prepared to start some kind of fight, Kenzaki glared at me, determined to ensure I don't take things too far from all of this. Malica said she was planning on dumping me anyway. The only difference right now is that it happened earlier.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrxYl9SdGXr
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"No need to get me involved any further. I'm going to sit somewhere new." I wasn't trying to be cool about this, but I just couldn't stand to look at any of them anymore. With Kenzaki there now, Malica can have the happy ending she secretly wanted. Her days of using me are finally over. The only thing left for me to do now is to find a new seat just as the class is about to start.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQ7edPt5Ry
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"Let's talk about this over here," Malica shifted, pushing and forcing Kenzaki further into the corner where she normally would sit. It was at least obvious that he wasn't going to do anything to me, but Malica wanted to make sure this didn't escalate anymore.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHzLdoodBwP
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Though I only sat alone for now as a temporary measure of displacement, one of them began hovering right over me, thirty seconds away until the class would official begin. Not that I cared, but Banarus's presence really did start to annoy me quickly. She was eyeing me down, as if I had something wrong here. "What?" I spoke without any attempt to conceal the displeasure of seeing her again this soon.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe6brsVNsT0
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"Don't you think you might have gone a little too far?"212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgYMKyGoe1l
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Is she serious? "Too far?" I repeated with disbelief. "You know what she did to me. You know how that must have made me feel!" I waited, because Banarus had no argument to stand on here. Even so, she didn't leave just yet. I already knew what this was really about. It's too much like her. Banarus doesn't care whether or not my feelings have been hurt. All she wants to do right now is open a bridge of forgiveness, even if that bridge will never lead to the two of us getting back together again. She doesn't like it when groups or friendship circles conduct any amount of infighting. But none of that matters to me right now. Like I said, she knows what that bitch did to me, and it won't change the friendship both of them share, not even a little. "I see you are still trying to buddy up with her. I'll never understand how you could be best friends with such a bitch. Don't even bother asking to sit over there. I can't be anywhere near you if you are also sitting over there with her."212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡny2178E3Lt
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"But—" Banarus still wanted to try her best, to try and prevent me from breaking the connections I had with her, Maddison, and Ashly, all over one mistake that Malica made, but there was nothing she could think to say in time. Before she knew it, the bell rang while the teacher shut the door, signaling for everyone to take their seats to start the class.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW6wIdu84mS
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At long last, I was left alone by the toll of the bell. I knew it was going to be difficult to focus on any amount of school work in my current state, but after everything I just said to them, I just as well felt a lot better. It was far away from feeling good, but at least now I could function on a minimum threshold.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡACHiX7jwDp
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Still, the same principle got me thinking. I really can't hang out with any of them anymore. Banarus is Malica's best friend, so she will always take her side even when she is in the wrong. Maddison still wasn't exactly like a friend to me anyway. The same could be said for Ashly and the rest... Now that I think about it, were any of them ever really my friends? Or are they just acquaintances that I hang out with on the regular because I have nowhere else to sit?212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSa502z6A6b
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Thinking about that forced me to consider all of my other classes too. There were quite a few people who fit that description. For some reason, I somehow mistakenly associated several people as my friends when they really were not. With that in mind, the only thing I can do is to try again to make new friends. If I try hanging out with people I never have before, maybe it will lead to something better, even if it is a vain hope. I still can't bring myself to be anywhere near men. The way I feel about it now seems more complicated than before, but that deep hatred to them is still very much intact. I'll have to find new groups of girls to sit next to, working my way into their good graces until I can heal this massive hole in my heart. I don't know if I can really pull it off, but I have to try.
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<09/01/2010 - 12:45 | Saffrin Middle School (English), Austell, GA, USA>212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tRl4tOWU5
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Like I stated earlier, I intend to break up any and all social connections that I have with everyone that I know, and start over again. I want real friends who are better at being good people. I managed to single out a few amount of people who I can still hang out with, though I never could decide if they were really friends or just acquaintances. Laura and Kaitlyn were one such pair. Despite how I may have felt about her earlier, Kaitlyn wasn't entirely boring to hang out with, and I never since looked at her with those love-struck eyes like I used to. Ashly was also part of that tiny list too, since she only sat at those desks to be with Maddison and not Malica.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBktBlBmHy
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But in all, I had to focus on finding new people to be friendly with, not that it was going well. By the time I made it to my English class, I sat yet again in a seat of desks that I normally didn't sit near. I was usually picky about staying in the area where I sat, so even this much disturbed my peace of mind a little.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZeAl25uzE
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Preparing all of my notes before this class started again, I decided just this once to move around the heavy, bulky novel I had in my bag. It got in the way, so I pulled it out and gently sat it on the top of my desk. The book was just another fictional romance drama, something that was getting popular at the time. The dark cover with the red beveled rose on the front stood out in the light.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuaaffgczb1
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"Oh my god! You read Twilight too?"212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfP7IVnEEEK
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Shocked that one of the older students beside me even bothered to talk directly to me, I realized what she was talking about. The book I set on my desk attracted her attention, as well as her friends. She seemed rather excited that I was reading one of the same books she was into. Though I did think it was a little weird. It is popular after all, so why is it so special that I was giving it a try? "Yeah. I guess it caught my eye." I wasn't lying about what I said to her. Twilight really was a pretty good book. I especially found the premise of it to be amazing within itself. The main character Bella finds herself in this weird relationship with Edward, a vampire who sees himself as a bloodthirsty monster, thus complicating the relationship before it could even begin. But there was some other aspect to it that I found beautiful and addicting. The vampire element the author put in wasn't what I expected when I picked up the book, but the surprise was a welcoming one. For some reason, I felt like I wanted to be Edward in that plot, to be a vampire since it would give me more unique qualities that I myself would find amazing. I knew I was strange, but I was already figuring out that being a weirdo is not a bad thing at all. In fact, the stranger the better. Not that my life could be that interesting.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZNIsxVPTM
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But over the last few days, I haven't touched this book. I set it aside to focus on other things, and given what just happened to me, I don't think I can continue reading it again anytime soon. It was still nice to see that other people were enjoying the same literature. "It's a good book, but I have to finish reading it."212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5ce6hJmYe
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"You know that's something only girls read, right?" Not the first girl who spoke to me, but the one beside her made the comment her friend chose not to, prompting her friend to shush her as if it were a joke.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTlXz0UtcYk
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"Don't listen to her. I think it's cool that you read Twilight."212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC90Bm9st1N
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I see now. Inhaling calmly to steady my breathing more than I usually did, their surprise about my choice of book made sense, even though I didn't realize it until just now. Only girls tend to read this series huh? I wasn't disappointed to hear that. If it was supposed to be a girly book, then that's even better, because there is a guarantee then that this book will have no heathenish influence inside. Even with that said, it is such a good book that I'm actually surprised that it has only attracted a female audience. I'm not going to bother telling them that though. "Do you now?"212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmVG9wTi8w
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"What do you like about it?"212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOr5wK6ZjSr
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Answering as though my mind were on autopilot, I gave them the tiny scope I felt inside, the idea that made me obsess over it the most. "I guess, if I had a girlfriend who also turned out to be a vampire, even if she was a blood sucking monster, it would be kind of cool." Even a blood sucking monster might actually care about me more than Malica ever did.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMS0piMnTD
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Without any warning, the tall girl who first spoke to me stepped out of the seat in her desk, sliding over just close enough so that she could sit in the empty desk right in front of me. Though it did startle me slightly, I maintained my cool in front of her. "My name's Silla."212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9DXx2QzSc
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Silla? Okay, I wasn't expecting this much engagement over a book. They either really love Twilight, or I walked into a fluke of luck today. "Reed," I muttered with a blank expression. I would normally reveal being more excited to meet more people, but the mood Malica put me in today sapped away most of that energy. Maybe it was the nonchalant vibe my mood made me put off - that was appealing to them. All three of these girls kind of had that look about them, like they were the type of teenagers who were a little bit troubled, gothic, or rebellious. Of all of them, Silla appeared to be at least two years older than me, but I doubted that to be the truth. The main factor that made most people think this was the growth spurt she was rocking. This chick had to be nearly 5.5 feet tall already. It was quite impressive.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOwWARznrf
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"Which classes do you have? Are any of them the lame ones?"212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Jl3GeMDf1
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Without even thinking about it, my smart mouth ran on its own, my mind coming up with things to say with virtually no input effort from me. "Don't you know? All of the classes are the lame ones." It wasn't enough to make her laugh, but I felt a restrained huff of air escape her, proving what I said to be good enough. The strange thing was that I wasn't even trying to impress anyone, yet Silla has taking some level of liking to me.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrIVD8wtu6n
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"You know there are more of these right? After Twilight is New Moon."212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VVmkeUYVD
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"New Moon?" I didn't have to play dumb since I really didn't know that Twilight had a book after this one. "Guess I should finish what I have then..." Feeling conflicted on so many levels, I let myself get lost again in a sea of thoughts. Despite my new goal to make new friends, even this much interaction was difficult for me. I was only getting away with it now by sheer luck, but the sadness inside me crippled my very ability to talk to other people like I used to, crippled my ability to care about most things in life. Even knowing what I wanted, staying motivated to try just wasn't easy right now. Even though it hurt just to imagine the possibility of this happening again, I forced myself persist, to push through and not let go of this opportunity before me. Silla might be a nice person to hang out with, so I should try making it more official. "You don't mind me sitting over here, do you? I'm trying to make new friends, so my old seat isn't gonna cut it anymore."212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FQjSdVpBl
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With an angelic smile, Silla answered me without disdain. "If you're already cool, you don't need permission to sit with us."212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8gYfsxaua
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Silla's second friend rolled her eyes, skillfully resting her jaw on her palm after she interrupted us. "Oh, brother!" Her comment made the other laugh, slightly disturbing Silla, all while confusing me at the same time.212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1EX8FtMvj
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Giving them a nod of understanding, I found it both weird and remarkable that they were so quick to let me in like this. Despite everything I said and did last year, groups or clusters of girls were still not too keen with me sitting near them, not based on how I would approach it. I tried so much to be like them, to be as girly as I could, and they still didn't want to trust me. It's the reason I stuck to Banarus's group like glue. Somehow, she and the others kind of understood that I was just that way. Even though I haven't been as compelled lately to repeat that behavior, I would still rather sit with my kind of people. But as I am right now, accomplishing that again might be impossibly difficult. So, I have no choice but to try and get over this hurtle as best as I can.
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