I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBkNBaw3dz
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh8Lq7hyucQ
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLX41SsaJ3f
I was crying in my sleep. Great.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhFoAvucUe
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDW0ixn0aj4
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Ky1gwOaiH
What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡacneLuuywl
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrjub2v5ujm
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsmy2inG5Nd
I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTWFm0Qf9cC
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQksNltkc3
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfTR3RKLDcD
"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiC5cJzPqk0
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTV4fKUveit
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Gu9y0aysJ
I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFKuiPDRN6
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQKr7FhJ6K
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡodA2s2Zy3W
"You know... It's okay to feel."652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlG1gDcm9a5
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFsB1sW80jC
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHDYt9pvnJn
"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjFTzu8nH4
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0eoru4i2X
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJpcQuptsd
"It's true."652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT1fxkFPcoc
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNLfPvuFUEL
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapBnfnRx5J
I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtyjf0eEjt0
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg2CHezR6x8
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ86fzXCy1u
"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnuCXE7TddW
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCRliJQB1z
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv1plhtdghs
I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwGS1aIxlnF
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡleliox7Q4H
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC3kbkXrG5i
"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNjHE7p6D5i
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJifZeLC1Eg
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDsxweD1wIf
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgPz6aDcr8U
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQF1JuMlNZ
When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡirzziVSkaW
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7Fi5ScFL3
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZnQjBDgpK
"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLlB9f1lwkY
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhV9SgcW21k
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAzi0bn5pod
I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYw034L4Lo
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuLH8jiyjTQ
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45TxJ3EOWI
"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRMHmYaxCu0
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyGLYPZyQM
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgG0CoCa3k8
It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfTwK7kiQN
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE1fkRSmQwf
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4zyqN4DCb
Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmK51NFrbUI
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡycY40Dd2A0
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMmSaJfBPQ
He starts talking again.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxJD0wd0mp
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbjaD2uYX0
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYMvdIgo71I
"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMdKapF5Pw6
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzUEu4FPz2I
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRO6ZFS8rs
Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZv7VLSTuUS
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3CZ1dLU74
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjN9vDZToN
"What did she die from?"652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIXXcQ0sr1O
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz98UG574tE
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIcgQSc4Du
He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjEbke4bwl4
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCWUzOA7am2
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3KpjznKwN0
I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcagnEAtIU6
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4loFhuyedS
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8RMmaCQ2Uo
Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ48hexVIpiz
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZk6pI7iFr
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4D5kXQu1P
So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUo1h5RgD8c
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtb8pymnCjT
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKOGRBjjOQx
It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHirMTjArq
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbD12TtZb1G
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujbhHosNnP
It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgOIX06hN10
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ezHGkTO69
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRmvBmhNPdG
And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrhGg2aLZ4q
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLVSxbeKum
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzdN8fIVnE2
Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKTyz880GX
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6ufKUK2Qr
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJAaPNVNJR4
Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzhg8hrl4Ot
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiw1fwKH2JB
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqpEtcdkhGS
It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkMm9pVCPwF
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxwymNkUSue
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvMRI964CHW
I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
ns216.73.216.197da2
