I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyErZVTtg3h
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I was crying in my sleep. Great.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUqRry7Q2L
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What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUfLD5dTmG3
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I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Zr9LxXahF
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"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiNfrIvKZ7L
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I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhUq8QzMxuz
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"You know... It's okay to feel."597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvlvIlFU1L
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"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgY5scJlMj3
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"It's true."597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbKgRcX7mTS
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I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ4w8ymy4id
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"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPcfT6D17pk
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I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf4q8qhuGDV
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"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBseUajCDT
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When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡymuxULj9OP
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"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1r4q5sT72
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I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74HJw9SIWs
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"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQdig4araD
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It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM2TgtlVlzz
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Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwZ97i6u00
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He starts talking again.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlw7VAE2pTk
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"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4LjKVlc9Hy
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Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijr6CsAqk6
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"What did she die from?"597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8V4JbYywv
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He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WxvStfwec
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I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6s7i0QpTj
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Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsS0sOateec
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So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrBu2fdJRa
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It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTJYeE2V4ks
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It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVJIxr7zID
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And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOZ9h6KA51
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Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6DiSubxznk
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Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDDAHQjal0
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It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.597Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRSx5OeyoE7
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I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
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