I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSW3yX0Tb4
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I was crying in my sleep. Great.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfUBIUG627e
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What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7T4Fhm2Pk1
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I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqyoerFkT3G
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"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHWWQq3UApN
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I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSnKnqmtcD
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"You know... It's okay to feel."606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0Bv8QTlXc
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"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqHXHxdVrwN
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"It's true."606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjEKMigv6VJ
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I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuWd4hfGFl6
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"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pOeQoA0ar
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I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Bj9l3LTjN
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"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbn5mrR5kVc
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When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiY2cRjJROC
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"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlOpIaZK0F
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I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIyy6YmFE8
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"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtY8y5NtsEk
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It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBejRmD4kNW
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Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7wZM1llvT
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He starts talking again.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDSAoBJztnB
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"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyRbl99BpN
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Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdrUvgWLQw
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"What did she die from?"606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTycNUPH2u1
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He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpFFSXY8yM
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I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2dTUIpVxQ
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Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9AGNdRww3a
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So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkyNi95VrKK
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It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSvnEcnBvC
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It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6ACQClMqK
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And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKEXkpn2sTO
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Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtHwB09aCrK
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Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXcBLiiKa0u
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It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.606Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPiOF1RC0Ob
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I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
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