I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM0OfaEd0W5
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxIyDFIkKWv
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡskYVVNX0U7
I was crying in my sleep. Great.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3eLlZYxt3
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjkBUD6yx2
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03kZn55wrR
What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxow73QSKgO
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPhdvsOZPNp
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3wih5kaz7f
I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdoD7CHDjm
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHM9fyEOIxx
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLOzpoST0nL
"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVrjz4pYHlc
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamhhJcU76O
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt2g49gaf5d
I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWkBx3dJG1
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtN0D9E1rLm
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyc5wNns6mW
"You know... It's okay to feel."651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Gccc9sUnR
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGQ3uVBBG12
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTaL49iIFn
"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfdHyNuBFu
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2kL2B2E7VU
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Tmy0ypImq
"It's true."651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiivRhpIEVY
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNC8d6ykIR
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmjRZwKTOjm
I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2lGjX5nxYP
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRl6c0GrYTz
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYvHoDkZy9
"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAwrYIRwvL9
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNAwE0QV15
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgKyq0EWrSK
I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLjxmD4SCJ
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86TonN1ksK
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGK8nFKSNkM
"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwmYV8eBChN
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxduIxeGA9
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Ud72MvPsn
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XNYsXlByA
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFXFeFBsjfV
When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ctMh6JEJR
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLtyrsI1Vr9
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE2dw2fttbv
"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFr4WzGIFsV
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwLdebjKLsl
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBXdStTDWDd
I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbBsW9Zqw0L
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PGrDNcuM6
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡah2PXnGuXT
"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpmNTgU7Hu
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSAYoL5LwiF
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7bu3Km632
It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqIBYoTsL5w
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmObeyqUdgX
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBDUrGBWgaH
Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqUGiN5qpV
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUyYBwaCrSr
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1g9CLvjilt
He starts talking again.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNixfuLDOt
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ25g6h2wok
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPl5LNRXazx
"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xIgXsuaGO
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWL1v7MhOyM
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZP4zEL09bl
Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNsqLvFblgW
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9xiwNEs6m
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgw75XEGqir
"What did she die from?"651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡia0txInRTd
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuV8XJCfmkb
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNiLQeZdn2
He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjS7SRuzb6l
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMew1jMIuQT
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5q1tIJJUD2
I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi2vO93nuWs
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVz0Nxb4JSd
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiFEr60pcK3
Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhPkL6TW3zP
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaYFS2mkMXP
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ959MDwzNqW
So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAxQzkDYHHc
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhcuoXGbTik
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwMFjwUnp2t
It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt5NUahqggG
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnYh4FBLFP7
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEN1FCFuYq
It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs54NdfKuTo
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uBCgizPwM
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeN6JKrWD3l
And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdWMif68Z7
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdTNplJQrTu
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwvrWymF7eI
Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZIwTEm39f
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWyKSNDHxaS
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ62P7jiyDHo
Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeiQgSlq3Pq
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9VFWs7lM2d
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxgcszm8np
It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOT6P05JOx
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmooJIq8hcY
651Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7KyI3HlqH
I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
ns216.73.216.197da2
