I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePnOMwDS2L
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I was crying in my sleep. Great.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKouZZsv5qY
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What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpScYx0tElm
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I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCsUcMvViJ
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"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkbrRn5Tg26
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I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32BvWTQRCd
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"You know... It's okay to feel."628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAiDsVj5pVM
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"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOaahfj880m
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"It's true."628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0J3vncC3V
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I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDchZWnCb9
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"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8VQcLj9T0
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I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ068NmcfnX1
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"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX7f1vy0aEd
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When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrdwA4n2SE
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"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlvbZM3Qft
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I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhckxNzoOy
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"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEgJifPaSpa
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It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMclwF9M3T
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Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOVaMBYKEP
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He starts talking again.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJPFzEcxbW
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"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXatbLGPQW
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Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7WTnWM6KO
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"What did she die from?"628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ584uWRaveF
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He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXuhKDyp3l
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I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJtsRvu8Q3A
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Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPo6SBwgOVY
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So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzEjwbFOwOo
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It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfMfm1UGwAN
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It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJGXuAShjy
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And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsSYc8RLjsN
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Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqSiqHFo1y
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Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4TOCNc6s1f
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It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnMCs3P5WF
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I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
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