I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6epW1oVDYr
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I was crying in my sleep. Great.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLelww7Ssq3
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What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlmC7dTXeDi
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I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJXznlWfQt
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"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxWFtuRsEFi
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I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9LSxPxbUr
667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBNBoYyTIr
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"You know... It's okay to feel."667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQLBapYGSGO
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"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfkK6NsdvGB
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"It's true."667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQyzXBDQNve
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I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbs47L5q2o
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"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeAaL1Jfp8H
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I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjZxkCZjN8m
667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45M3SK4GiU
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"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW6UjSfRabF
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When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQUGr64s9D2
667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmNlvEvGduN
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"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvadf5CZwst
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I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDicczba5qf
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"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNH0bvNJHQv
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It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVj43LetCr
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Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6afhpXXdm
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He starts talking again.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Ty2HvKEzS
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"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4M5d1wg3qD
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Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFp974f4MJX
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"What did she die from?"667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmC8AQnwarr
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He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcehVkLjIu
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I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYEFcK59S7z
667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKHiVXLr26X
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Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqT8wJB4Gv
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So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS14ICXF0F5
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It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrTMw6T3fg6
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It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDt3NBfnVRU
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And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJp1GI8D7n
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Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIu8XaHsScp
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Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJWWQbCM9RY
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It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.667Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPIu3vbA9VC
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I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
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