Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFq1rC6wsqh
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡojORRteSJc
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqFqvkk8mrw
Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8gnu9EuBPm
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzW8iWvX6z
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No.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDPpaUGsAdX
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyAfgIy0jcC
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Then tell him.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqNFADg3oPa
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknFKi5pZ5o
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I can't.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJ61rJF4Y9
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYRLCxpoXoh
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9YGvXE5qeo
"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNSkxudSUQ
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuYjeCrQUZv
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjfaZnSC2JG
Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxl1exzFPn6
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWEmQg0nRsG
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jvzyPslaY
But can you let David go?547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEI2Ccw6pgT
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe1uxW7XRNc
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0oKa9En4GS
I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4a9GNqoAxW
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ78PtSbPmGL
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAgC32Ji8d3
Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmA9GyVU5cw
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLcMJxA81Bl
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQsTDw7hyIL
I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsbJU0LmLgj
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAae9TzAIvi
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfd36gE8Ele
But I don't.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmqF7RHmbe
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4rED4MDR2b
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I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ge0BJM6hn
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7fHpSaR1wf
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknvimXqMky
Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfSudemU52f
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWZvu6yHzes
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7pwIwLQCg3
Well, it's the opposite for me. 547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdpAHrG3jD
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy93g9VgLfp
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡec8Y4RHr0T
I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbROxxJQb1E
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjT20HLJJh1
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCC9pmYlmlQ
I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrONS5L7Omh
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It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4RKT3RONBj
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This isn't bliss; it's torture.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1gAJ6GPBtT
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfZ6O69JDAl
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***547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJczIrfmn9
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I can't sleep.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ19Hbnnj9hS
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVEDxqM5ayx
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The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLuwkEGA54t
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj73VeCz91l
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"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfPxY4CcPlb
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I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpAhQNYDfnN
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrn5vDdv5ta
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjV58CLvhDw
I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4RP19beTI
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBlWqNYpCnF
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsboBb826Gi
This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjReXo7CMSt
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvazU3bHIX
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFFFQGJT2Wc
I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JFbhrc0p6
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnt76qq47kn
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPW5t10yvFo
The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUAv6Y3n8Ur
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhaHgQFmNQe
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Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekVkhdpH6j
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvjBhsZcsu
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The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3zU0bJUr3
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYcxHrHBxyO
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MBOvkgvMO
My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BW9KF4T3A
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When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP0SBwGVCEj
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGsvgFPMEx
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For what?547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgzWKCOQjDt
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsTFrEhq90k
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjIQFQWiwxD
Nothing.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoL5jnA4ob3
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIbH5i5INH
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WOQBzbsur
Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoTPgMINmRf
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Andrew.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjr8FiM0ZfB
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547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEM8EUyEXOP
With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7VPiMOg5V
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkByqr1ZPsy
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHvvL55qsc
Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcb6jfaloCn
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZKNNMn8Lb
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I can't.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bm9azDka8
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPafaqunmd
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM6wXMFLc4r
This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIk3CDMBgr2
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc0erSX4uFS
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgQuZ0cSUbN
With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrA8NZ2HFZ
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujCJFlhNtp
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpGa9UFOI8w
I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBOPomDzhy
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1EQtpQ73uW
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4auVcMn6vU
When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4q50HmATEi
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2OhLkT0vn4
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I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjYp4WXwJYL
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdvygOI34Ws
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ31K4sYipES
Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCcIfttDSa
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6b11GPM7yC
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvSSnUSdeG
Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA5WRSS3akz
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqVxyf5qoa1
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCiFOZUWCrg
"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8y7k08BBIH
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡskFkK2Tzy4
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfFMHQc33D
This definitely is not normal.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqogj7s8eZr
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY1Yrs5eLMk
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfsFGO1Ttf
"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9tywGdqgU
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoadAY13y5j
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNB5rO4N4JR
I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUcdB8BtCA
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpF2sekktTu
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpOVF9nvjYS
Then I pause.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb85839jhXK
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547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyM0aVxHs6j
Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaMVMJUJosy
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPLCcvHhuW
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVI85LNzzjU
Call David.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQnCHBdk5FF
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHags4kO68p
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQcyBDyK9se
I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnlVIxQ0atb
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zaA2KxWHx
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDmqGyExjBn
"Leah?"547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGMlVGPGWU
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3r6H5AVyv
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22rM7Nqt69
"David," I gasp. 547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvUDECOUdH
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPPYMhXkxVb
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuwA1snX2TW
"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIM8g6hm3s
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrF6jwUlpmY
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaoczy5pAEn
"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn566tVxTls
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ95oSQIeRU6
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGXc0AdQFR5
I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡidJwMsS728
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7MTKjPfmX
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7oUdmb4KCN
"Are you at home, Leah?"547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcOgSW766kF
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqxVrNshaH
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnH3EbbZfo
"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN4Ivm3XiEB
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoBcMU8izLv
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHoJPHDHyYW
"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9gisiusnFa
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk4LnbtwaKG
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5n47EoIpK
"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQbRLHlYvp
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5C2GwTv6WQ
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"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD9HbB9iJva
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mgpQj9wps
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5MbAfGeafA
I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBAtzbfR0MM
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoP1BdOhF4T
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzkdXQIx9mj
"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0JQ1ow8P4Z
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYyutfl5Kz
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When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡza3drPrkTj
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaEYCV5tIka
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I can't.547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyH0LEX35ko
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0FMaexG01l
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEommcW45qS
Oblivion swallows me whole.
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