Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32PuSmPV1M
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJO7hHC5ok
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEWOQstaJM
Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsuW5HdynAP
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7rhlCNdjjv
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8Wg5D5fIs
No.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOa6LsxWzD1
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxWxsWMbhtR
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ3RVCu69i6
Then tell him.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBJoX7KkVeJ
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4XBZbHoXmo
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSrPSbN9qw
I can't.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBgV946zWGF
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4rmQdLDuq
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMXMCVzWjl
"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzIGPeLxGZP
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoGPqo7BZhi
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCt5U0slfpl
Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPyt3hB3LKU
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNvLqTvKF7X
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39nw4Ntis3
But can you let David go?525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQPKgtWL4O
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5mlSzqrHF
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOtM6a0cv9p
I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1f9ZrLSg5H
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl2qjnQDmOi
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwp8SKResuO
Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwPthVSRP7s
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKiXHCrxnf
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl1Lwm88eSB
I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0HGD77GSyF
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qZbDWYZoy
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65gMA7GmZv
But I don't.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQefE4ilA34
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIErTw0srC
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDtdRIV1plw
I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4hbXdHhlr
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd838IRxfbD
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb7FbijOALY
Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSMzE8lSefj
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Z4vuuV1r6
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ODo0Mg55d
Well, it's the opposite for me. 525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr0ive9MjUA
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT05pkIk8LC
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPeeGu3lAKe
I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡELrtQuIecK
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHyZ6JnyWc1
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsf287S7ofJ
I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlkmBUA87l9
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctJRuJfNHo
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHoqshM6Gb1
It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSnxxskRiCK
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRWNDmANhY
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡngfL4sx85N
This isn't bliss; it's torture.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡidKVYqHnS5
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdLHFAEiMhN
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡviAQ1bmfBe
***525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiiqbMKGCzz
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAiQwJHeovL
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I can't sleep.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsV3rCwrLN0
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMzEbNKDeEV
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDzbAG7MAR
The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdVc82yy0Af
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwVFSdD64f
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx7Nx6PVzu1
"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwzl0SLWutb
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZGvpONGfvj
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWdffzydLb
I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwihJQfh1nC
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2JeWdLjXAz
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6ZDhDs7Nl
I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vZn6iK9FZ
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSqAZs7CtM
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnAKdNgu1qV
This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJb5NNO0Ib
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9hVMe97Wp
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZUvHRq6cy1
I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrFZoBUoPt
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPgAHoDChM
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbS9eF01qhp
The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyNBmBxXxfh
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEDVlcqfIeh
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSGElD56bz
Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1sPCPTpZq3
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ005sQE4Nq3
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhE5HSffWnt
The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHzDrZScsN
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2grgCPMxUL
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ZuDGaw3je
My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKL8SzaUls
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0T9CGLiuPG
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When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE6GIediIUS
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsIpqyTfLMS
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCM7NGM1BCr
For what?525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxwzR8Dt47R
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQPI02JsGl
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxFpEJ2wwpi
Nothing.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoUQ3iU5OWX
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVmTu0a1Vj
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPIceM0wbLt
Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhIeTynA68V
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1ce9iVZUv
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Andrew.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8tFP7M6Ca
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3C6Kum1YGD
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUVOPFFCeA
With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPh5fE2tGxG
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnPEr6Ocrp
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAeRGJZBFou
Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWBCvQKKgKy
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlVdd5mH02s
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcRp81iVZep
I can't.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3VrzCWuI2c
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkgOvMEW5PB
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40uWY9dlMZ
This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38WK92sdf2
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfD5wuwpobG
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8j2NlFtSL
With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67LJIINDzO
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjzpxfGTXQM
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HHLv6RO2X
I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkllIouz5b
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgFw0HT0vY4
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHMFNs3QiWx
When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ22R9ayin5
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxR7m6OFwj
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgphfZUNKpE
I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBRwuHdkB7
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdTccX398IZ
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmurn5wJu2S
Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCUUXLfK4W
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlFSVSnG3A5
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9BQxF1WliM
Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡecxiXpuXvL
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGCFvrpqVef
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0eGzurKVT8
"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1N9BG92uws
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzcM3ZMh0U9
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDUSi9rBYQ
This definitely is not normal.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRg4EEdYHwe
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe9OvaDocEA
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwCKZ64HVE7
"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeM9kTRP8I1
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkQjtlsaNSl
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCiOnsLFqE
I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHsvJBTQfJ
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhqDx1xQOc8
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKbU9H5gox
Then I pause.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZkqhIZkYFE
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKxYd3kVeP
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENibavoBsS
Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFVJ1umEqT
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLM1zqkXCD6
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvacJRWqOg
Call David.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcl7eZJO6Ee
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5NKAN2fZjO
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1EbQ06g2B6
I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Oj5bUpL3g
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5E4EZvl9yZ
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlFlc8R3kGI
"Leah?"525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdSrcfYONa
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGueIQNF8p
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcIadLzTFfp
"David," I gasp. 525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3GVYKInIyN
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlPOQfZBgYn
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡULkOHT4okj
"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlgbpoNeGv6
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZifufPp8sA
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIPUzfZKma5
"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVwJ0C5mZXN
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFBkhmN2Vdw
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobyVZ54JJn
I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvCJVMrZak
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjpd919DNaB
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmeBPFzsCsO
"Are you at home, Leah?"525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7LuWrTQUUv
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOB6wkwvCJ9
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJA1MtShQH
"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6LJWChb5M9
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOEglvKqriB
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkHZEhHHQ3
"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv59RgnXfw5
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDPtYM4PyOu
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00h2UTzNfy
"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CqgOzWdVw
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0t7SgXmUHl
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡATk5i50Aqr
"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRX4qffuNZM
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNdA689pEa
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgAeOQ7jO9V
I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9UvohUYmTQ
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLhjTUiiBnU
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS4hvykasvs
"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR4uLOgR92u
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVIXfinVRqC
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When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSONEoWfA4w
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCpJrmfu6g
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUou3a8iV1x
I can't.525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0S3nafTqmU
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFpfMxGaHug
525Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWnJU6KYJyX
Oblivion swallows me whole.
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