Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsX8rL50lva
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0vbHio7zEQ
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyM5sLyMJvP
Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADA7gTDIXr
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSulOOLK6OE
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJbJEo0Y8L
No.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54fMYfL7pH
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKyDhAW931
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYELymOdce
Then tell him.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNBSLuEG0ad
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ9XU0k4rj7
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I can't.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQyxcD57rR
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9QDF04l10U
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH4WFJhJsOi
"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVenbjQspAy
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCiPFV7uJy8
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUb8DsikkRK
Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm8FC462QeN
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpR5s7pIntF
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkCnWQNmBE5
But can you let David go?496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡszUZRlU35j
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndgjGKCgcw
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLPL6V3r95B
I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcfdabn5ES
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY8UN6Og4xq
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuiSYXQFvbD
Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG6FzBxCB3J
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9suSu2Ab6
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzoLKTt7szb
I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDofEXVAgfO
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujSJ9Nk5Vy
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxvJeDALd2E
But I don't.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJK2pgHL13
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbP0oxpNLGi
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXTh8yhV1G
I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNlwFQ6QkQG
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPSJEUr4UlE
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJuyc00BU6
Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrXiXwF5IS
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ97IlNkAa3A
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZs6PKv4EBo
Well, it's the opposite for me. 496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYyurQyckX
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPbiWJ5etZ
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtMG6XzGVIq
I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzihvcuc5so
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwHCv59ExRO
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcsKLz55Uw
I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFxGLIHBcTT
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyjXhKF8u5G
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It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsznBQWxMaM
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjTwQG3i6N
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This isn't bliss; it's torture.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0YmJ1RNZF
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSSlaMW63D
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmSHPsl5iu
***496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLb3JCTIghs
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrqQBpKwNV
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTksaiH81uL
I can't sleep.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFGf9z1P3d8
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFqC6HYSnzF
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2U6RKgUith
The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡemVekQTmlu
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡajNuaAeGlp
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAy4yn0Q1H
"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFfpqKyht9a
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaN7uczhht9
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBoNAPgGOo
I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHWiEjkSjH8
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49rJADyVTG
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyv6Lv3YI2Y
I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL6EAPl1hb0
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX2TWMiWMPQ
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRisIvf1FBj
This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUILvv3JMak
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIyqkEtbeaw
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNYOm9iKdad
I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7ULXJNKkD
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwTIm1bYCm
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcmgJQR9KEY
The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkzB5eRIr2
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84sdrHYhhQ
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xIgJSQ5qP
Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYAd3FnAJst
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZjTlzVAJj
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXeMUoWZDD
The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtcyU0v8gi
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDB4KHPZeQe
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCGYd0nNhBP
My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlfPQDWT3GG
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRq5rQFhbBl
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When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzSHk9BwSM
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBRoHOQteU8
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiFn3ef1egK
For what?496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwpghsd4GBR
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLEIE2IF1qu
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xdOFw9FKo
Nothing.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKIUwcPEQ5M
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYdUgoG6DZW
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCS13uP2RiG
Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtImtsMwIJ
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMWp8FwoQRB
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvSixP26KB
Andrew.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkRq3knGMjz
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtN6OvBvJr7
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQuql3TPzx
With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuD4WzseosO
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmA4Bn1hBI
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZiTC1wArlU
Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarhdLlnaBv
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9kCmgJgnJ
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡasFFmzmi4x
I can't.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmMxBPCuOA
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaEKtfYP0E1
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSxYh38euV
This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVR2dzOv3Ld
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡISgezRFwsg
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEkKadRk7nH
With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡykMfh2Mzyu
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdG0Y7MF8U8
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LA0WYa1uJ
I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlfYvTecGXQ
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu8YF5DaVxC
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfKyv69uNu8
When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvq2aagogV
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcB1FVAUpXh
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLPt6goAr1m
I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTJyK7Fsbv
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZnI7GfFpqo
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPmtyH4rYIr
Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCJzS1yhlu
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTvxKdTzNC
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMuX4Slmg5h
Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiVs3tYUVjV
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7WzJcvbRA
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ13Wr7YEYsj
"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8c8QIQTOg0
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ21jDeH64Fu
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1QY94N11Bg
This definitely is not normal.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpydP8PSRrl
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5UM7ZFecez
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZImFgn3cc
"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡClvDI7Tvpd
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEehwkdoL2g
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ypgpGcobB
I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMFeB1Y4akW
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs2tZact7AN
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9g59vDClE
Then I pause.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTy3Z1WPq8B
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVdE0KDLJwk
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpIfrVCnvk7
Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvCWtuGWss
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xvuWO7vQz
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡclmsQ5Kkr6
Call David.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZLY5sbmxe
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5zJlbkRhP
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1vpwi43KjA
I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl1VUiROCjJ
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQl1OhvDOYL
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4brjnLTIdu
"Leah?"496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6W0fsusU5B
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YFWoY0wIx
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRvlMy3LRoA
"David," I gasp. 496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcruVemj62B
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOrZn0BbPX
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiEYpIz8ZR
"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQ96PoTtfN
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHDgQFoXTU
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWyZNz485J
"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4WaNvnjowo
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtDO5oYYEs5
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8xru9R0fF
I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJYCn1Trz0o
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rbog9PZto
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtJytB0Cbg
"Are you at home, Leah?"496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQAJ1VggWlc
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRydiZcGjVT
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWuqSitmt5F
"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC6eqGz8LXm
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJrB461scs
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7POI9cBgF
"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCUtNct3y9
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBgcLZd0K3m
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC7txKq0jbA
"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBOW6XwuoZ
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYeMBdq55s
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbl0xrsRpZ7
"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjBfe2HIgD1
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtszW6UmiO
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZGDyJpKzIX
I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTnB6q6g9p
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgynmo9SVrL
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5e3aakOY3t
"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgyvaAXruK
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtnvGtq5O2T
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡta4DxxHaY8
When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQMpGfApG2
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ23QsyyIZtb
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEL7LdxWHU7
I can't.496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75AJmtDDZW
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvh3PflJWa
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkhe02DfSmS
Oblivion swallows me whole.
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