Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAXJRHbkaXe
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Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTypjlGfzp
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No.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5TiN7WBRoO
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Then tell him.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdayQAN67cz
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I can't.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJrBoP830D
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"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8iaCDUvna
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Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡajDnK6IsI9
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But can you let David go?519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoLkOlfimfT
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I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlOmuQHGqj8
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Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLp1kPupoRt
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I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6pGwQzhiyK
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But I don't.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR2a1F0ccPj
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I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡliBXEJxcpu
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Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOSo0ggCJA
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Well, it's the opposite for me. 519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ50xVUJmXrA
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I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwoq8UZr3f
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I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjdYZyMynMJ
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It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZlZpIxsrS
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This isn't bliss; it's torture.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQknUPKcwUP
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***519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeLAfMU7Vst
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I can't sleep.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0W0x2mreiJ
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The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYd9tVVz4E5
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"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdk4rjPpOdm
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I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyubuBGxlO
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I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp3VNoye6Me
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This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeNGYE5RlSQ
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I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqcklUtoGY
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The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9458RYU0aM
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Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4RP22nHscv
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The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ91pEcMMm4l
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My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2lMtj4VNj
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When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrEllfNMVoN
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For what?519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5YCugMMpS
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Nothing.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWgt7Ji3DqO
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Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDce4RQS09B
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Andrew.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ78nDKWCCYn
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With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzfA5jdLWz
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Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rpZwxFYvC
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I can't.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTNzYQZW27
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This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyVZk8b7U6
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With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQ9G3iK1sd
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I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWs724WEk3A
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When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ErLjnSOLm
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I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTQG3AhPKP
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Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0DT0bDyAFQ
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Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0FYxyeiGwZ
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"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtMUUNv1jmx
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This definitely is not normal.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7BM2QDQOYM
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"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡViI7wFuUAa
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I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4mDabXDxe2
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Then I pause.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwglzo7ubMk
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Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡypMhCqDb9M
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Call David.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3wdTMV1AnV
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I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrYSOuloAeI
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"Leah?"519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Nuu5doTIy
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"David," I gasp. 519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhAiZYOk03
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"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5b9xj2Ozs
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"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHHdyTRYEQE
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I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnS9ohAXtbw
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"Are you at home, Leah?"519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWxGU6qbX1C
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"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0f4VKgYuUt
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"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ89Qby7Jpz
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"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVXGSrDipG8
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"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvHq7QO0hie
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I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQoJa3O6Qte
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"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUTj9V44Jsd
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When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLeGJlSRPYl
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I can't.519Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94V3kev0wV
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Oblivion swallows me whole.
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