幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAEk5hdunMYQ
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAInfeeaYu7q
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAP5RyMURoPS
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAgG4c2IlHoV
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAy4zFEzo0FK
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
164Please respect copyright.PENANABItcmOP74x
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAtLViRTnVxx
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。164Please respect copyright.PENANAD23IqtL59M
164Please respect copyright.PENANAKMfNfsObJQ
164Please respect copyright.PENANAwJivk8YMXS
164Please respect copyright.PENANAhOt0G7DJVV
世界觀:164Please respect copyright.PENANARuSXUFcKEV
164Please respect copyright.PENANAd1zLckqxoz
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
164Please respect copyright.PENANATK6qXdIA5v
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAurpjbCqYag
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAEgOtCstxdF
164Please respect copyright.PENANA5VwysydAuY
劇情細節的提醒:164Please respect copyright.PENANAXjM3kMwUUS
164Please respect copyright.PENANAFmdfdsciqU
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:164Please respect copyright.PENANAJJJUTJZZwb
164Please respect copyright.PENANAh7ylZl7Ilb
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。164Please respect copyright.PENANA1soD42JnMZ
164Please respect copyright.PENANA0tzaadZWYY
參考網站:164Please respect copyright.PENANAZlsulufRKn
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html164Please respect copyright.PENANAk7pWocQacu
164Please respect copyright.PENANADmCI4vKPxu
164Please respect copyright.PENANAlkDAdrnWxJ
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。164Please respect copyright.PENANA4UC0IHfcJs
164Please respect copyright.PENANAVhAxGMlvxT
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。164Please respect copyright.PENANA7oBiX5PHvm
164Please respect copyright.PENANAKIEGvfVVD8
164Please respect copyright.PENANAZcRSlolMc5
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。164Please respect copyright.PENANAD06KVysR5V
164Please respect copyright.PENANAOGp1wJdc3g
164Please respect copyright.PENANAmR3Td1IKOG
角色:164Please respect copyright.PENANAui3eGgmOOA
164Please respect copyright.PENANA3QsT6BWWjw
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:164Please respect copyright.PENANAPvHwArc7n4
164Please respect copyright.PENANAvJao8rVZII
主角:俊明
164Please respect copyright.PENANAKmRKU6xm36
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)164Please respect copyright.PENANAavIe4An4Bz
164Please respect copyright.PENANAmbNQBeeINr
主角現狀:遭人排擠
164Please respect copyright.PENANAOktM7rIUQE
奉翊:164Please respect copyright.PENANA0A42nViSiQ
不擅長飛行。164Please respect copyright.PENANAmxLlYyxJyW
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。164Please respect copyright.PENANAvkD7N7Gnr7
164Please respect copyright.PENANA2VFBKPkFR0
164Please respect copyright.PENANAFn5ejaJANE
164Please respect copyright.PENANA6uIAZOfGjr
對於角色整體的感想:164Please respect copyright.PENANA7D3qu28WFR
164Please respect copyright.PENANA2LitjrzEno
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。164Please respect copyright.PENANA7nxZp6GssL
164Please respect copyright.PENANAyFvwrd92S3
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。164Please respect copyright.PENANA7bp8IuEhW8
164Please respect copyright.PENANAOmwDEkyagz
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:164Please respect copyright.PENANAEEMI05sQVz
164Please respect copyright.PENANAVu09jO1npq
原作:164Please respect copyright.PENANAOunGrXrO4N
164Please respect copyright.PENANA2UW9ShzASK
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388164Please respect copyright.PENANAmpHZf56FtZ
164Please respect copyright.PENANATLnH0L7wiS
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)164Please respect copyright.PENANAA3qlh59wwT
164Please respect copyright.PENANAPUAgZgEcwG
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):164Please respect copyright.PENANAhKbDlaIJvt
164Please respect copyright.PENANA1IF5FuTavJ
調整後:164Please respect copyright.PENANAwYiDT4LiHZ
164Please respect copyright.PENANAkdDWyKvJ12
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。164Please respect copyright.PENANAVVssWKh89t
164Please respect copyright.PENANA7ZzW0FkhNw
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。164Please respect copyright.PENANAZEo1pd3SQH
164Please respect copyright.PENANALaqClqBkOI
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。164Please respect copyright.PENANArF1BOnibzU
164Please respect copyright.PENANAyAkncLn3Jx
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」164Please respect copyright.PENANAtdqtUIlzqv
164Please respect copyright.PENANAb5im1aJxdo
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。164Please respect copyright.PENANANNshMsM5om
164Please respect copyright.PENANAQkId5FsJbn
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:164Please respect copyright.PENANAcHh6uEwYYl
164Please respect copyright.PENANAnxFePWrYiB
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」164Please respect copyright.PENANAWeIyuA7fzz
164Please respect copyright.PENANAvwlqrMAvtb
查喀比茲?那是什麼?164Please respect copyright.PENANAoimkRZNeG7
164Please respect copyright.PENANAfVzW3n7AW3
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:164Please respect copyright.PENANA29Yefj0tfx
164Please respect copyright.PENANABY02LmrJJ1
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」164Please respect copyright.PENANAC7GFnetRv7
164Please respect copyright.PENANAULx5dL8gSX
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。164Please respect copyright.PENANAlR5wBHBfma
164Please respect copyright.PENANASKHZREKEjm
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」164Please respect copyright.PENANAa9uxlDNonW
164Please respect copyright.PENANAjfUn2nDrVa
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。164Please respect copyright.PENANA4IbHcc9AaG
164Please respect copyright.PENANAQL8ZvuBYOI
他進一步解釋道:164Please respect copyright.PENANAT5xx5J4B4v
164Please respect copyright.PENANAdeJsqndqE9
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」164Please respect copyright.PENANAcyGtOZV8AI
164Please respect copyright.PENANAcAPHyZq2w2
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:164Please respect copyright.PENANAmeZkFtLWuJ
164Please respect copyright.PENANAP4asFm7EAM
「查詢,查喀比茲。」164Please respect copyright.PENANAFtRQJrJFzy
164Please respect copyright.PENANAHPGCy6pL49
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。164Please respect copyright.PENANAnhq3ADLJ86
164Please respect copyright.PENANAkOa2lBPFWh
「──查無此項結果。」164Please respect copyright.PENANAP2berKVTyo
164Please respect copyright.PENANAwrq7wtQJGM
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。164Please respect copyright.PENANAO8KJulO0ea
164Please respect copyright.PENANAZYZIgYgASI
「啊啊!」164Please respect copyright.PENANAsDXhIoZmKa
164Please respect copyright.PENANACu2aB5AhqP
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。164Please respect copyright.PENANA3xEpYDCGRa
164Please respect copyright.PENANA2dnckMZJAP
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」164Please respect copyright.PENANAtf4tyGYB1r
164Please respect copyright.PENANAHblZe8Tvkc
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:164Please respect copyright.PENANAYWnuhpFZh5
164Please respect copyright.PENANAn0DZ7tn3GI
查喀比茲。164Please respect copyright.PENANAWmlxAVufLN
164Please respect copyright.PENANAkdobuTxNah
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。164Please respect copyright.PENANAGEuKUdTXip
164Please respect copyright.PENANAZiXpbi5GNr
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。164Please respect copyright.PENANAoZvoHwW5EQ
164Please respect copyright.PENANAivpdiRnEM9
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:164Please respect copyright.PENANAiJoNzrs758
164Please respect copyright.PENANADwZtZmejSj
「你、你、你……該不會──」164Please respect copyright.PENANAqM7umG4PEv
164Please respect copyright.PENANAiKWDPrGQHn
「沒錯,我就是──」164Please respect copyright.PENANAqbvuKvLFOv
164Please respect copyright.PENANA50kJAvgjaa
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:164Please respect copyright.PENANAjUhxqISB1Y
164Please respect copyright.PENANAAAEWIL3zJ7
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」164Please respect copyright.PENANAn4MWiljPjy
164Please respect copyright.PENANAhIkfEEfyTR
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:164Please respect copyright.PENANAcV3tAuampc
164Please respect copyright.PENANAiLPlyRTmgA
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」164Please respect copyright.PENANAsxvBSJ7eSD
164Please respect copyright.PENANAEwmQFhkwcf
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。164Please respect copyright.PENANAP9gmZ0pJaw
164Please respect copyright.PENANAA8mXYqSgrf
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:164Please respect copyright.PENANAZNDfa0WLJ4
164Please respect copyright.PENANA6h1AWbnps9
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」164Please respect copyright.PENANArlREGHgIRi
164Please respect copyright.PENANAyLJPLMMOzX
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。164Please respect copyright.PENANAzqKfsAUbUL
164Please respect copyright.PENANAhkxW6utsiQ
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。164Please respect copyright.PENANATUrgnngseP
164Please respect copyright.PENANAcXa84Q5rri
主線劇情:164Please respect copyright.PENANAQaDKkNmDG9
164Please respect copyright.PENANAciVB1ALDEs
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。164Please respect copyright.PENANAtAMonck07f
164Please respect copyright.PENANAkUMgUyUZNj
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。164Please respect copyright.PENANA5wA1Pv3adR
164Please respect copyright.PENANA3s44QgfpQq
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。164Please respect copyright.PENANAmJwqsIyNRf
164Please respect copyright.PENANAB5trfoK1TF
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:164Please respect copyright.PENANAtelcKx9gN3
164Please respect copyright.PENANAfhkccos40z
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)164Please respect copyright.PENANA9HBlUZRqMI
164Please respect copyright.PENANAGgFylWpkPz
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)164Please respect copyright.PENANABZ2bw1A3OB
164Please respect copyright.PENANAb3IRyILOV7
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)164Please respect copyright.PENANAosX93ETvNq
164Please respect copyright.PENANAVqo2Ab5aYa
164Please respect copyright.PENANAN9gVJeiTU9
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。164Please respect copyright.PENANAL8hzJ2UBIH
164Please respect copyright.PENANASx0DS0ml7j
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:164Please respect copyright.PENANAZvUQgs7BFO
164Please respect copyright.PENANA1rXLAMT8xE
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。164Please respect copyright.PENANA8HNawWhcjJ
164Please respect copyright.PENANA2RtjdRbem3
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。164Please respect copyright.PENANAYXafdFmzZB
164Please respect copyright.PENANAe0UszYNEAa
那麼差不多是這樣。164Please respect copyright.PENANAZLct9RDOvC
164Please respect copyright.PENANAuGnJNjdMM6
164Please respect copyright.PENANAfX6UWmrQU7
164Please respect copyright.PENANANOnr0IeKde
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。164Please respect copyright.PENANAgGcnbyx6jM
164Please respect copyright.PENANAHduxbFMo5S
總之加油吧。
164Please respect copyright.PENANApEq285nE8D
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAXI0c2RaYkX
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAA4lwrwjKBw
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAZ044Mw1Sr5
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
164Please respect copyright.PENANAXUSVs9ar0o
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。164Please respect copyright.PENANAwYQrTJEFMK
164Please respect copyright.PENANAvlErwj0Rer
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」164Please respect copyright.PENANAKa8ICKy7FF
164Please respect copyright.PENANAzYT1VBkhEv
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。164Please respect copyright.PENANAWwQpgmW57W
164Please respect copyright.PENANAhhMOcBNpY5
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:164Please respect copyright.PENANAyfo1ZSIuM6
164Please respect copyright.PENANAeV22O2XIpe
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」164Please respect copyright.PENANA1yXljscPxc
164Please respect copyright.PENANA0rvEX0wZiD
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAVFSV7deRCK
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAc78ICCrXPJ
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
164Please respect copyright.PENANA9YXLluQjPQ
主角:俊明164Please respect copyright.PENANAiH2S22LSL4
164Please respect copyright.PENANAfjZ3UDHr9J
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)164Please respect copyright.PENANAI1MxIcAFke
164Please respect copyright.PENANAcHp4torfoL
164Please respect copyright.PENANAdN1QF1XBea
主角現狀:遭人排擠164Please respect copyright.PENANARBv9DBHnWa
164Please respect copyright.PENANACYOKla17xC
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
164Please respect copyright.PENANANKWUsc0bze
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAnrGMXBChqb
其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
164Please respect copyright.PENANA9oGlcxhb1D
另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。164Please respect copyright.PENANAFXlQ9cM7fj
164Please respect copyright.PENANAVvB2HpdYys
像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAkbsHykwPn2
或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAS4ACiPdVgV
以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
164Please respect copyright.PENANA4drE2Y7rAt
大概是這樣。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAYXPjR8HaOj
有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
164Please respect copyright.PENANAdojkeVMWjy
https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
164Please respect copyright.PENANAX37GjlvsIB