幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
429Please respect copyright.PENANAGsUp5rSzvD
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
429Please respect copyright.PENANAAZa8yJQMnh
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
429Please respect copyright.PENANAgi2P8jdg28
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
429Please respect copyright.PENANAKZj25u2D9A
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
429Please respect copyright.PENANA3QtI6QlKcw
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
429Please respect copyright.PENANAdR9xCj25MI
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
429Please respect copyright.PENANAnX0NZp3vrJ
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。429Please respect copyright.PENANAJ6tPMJKUFI
429Please respect copyright.PENANAaDvSSTrgAE
429Please respect copyright.PENANAyi3IFv5zYp
429Please respect copyright.PENANAQqFfSQPPdz
世界觀:429Please respect copyright.PENANASaJ4JKNVvF
429Please respect copyright.PENANAMdMNU8beUO
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
429Please respect copyright.PENANAevevMupisu
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
429Please respect copyright.PENANAIywc2sO1in
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
429Please respect copyright.PENANAcTMrPJChCV
429Please respect copyright.PENANAlFZqtqwZ1x
劇情細節的提醒:429Please respect copyright.PENANAFgwcDtBYFk
429Please respect copyright.PENANAqFJQzGF8y1
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:429Please respect copyright.PENANAMRB5MnJ0xZ
429Please respect copyright.PENANAWOq3kPOzij
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。429Please respect copyright.PENANAlh9tZtLok7
429Please respect copyright.PENANAdQt6B5z55q
參考網站:429Please respect copyright.PENANAMDF0qfIK66
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html429Please respect copyright.PENANAOIu8mTUwUA
429Please respect copyright.PENANABVnP2Ul210
429Please respect copyright.PENANASg3GkBYRjh
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。429Please respect copyright.PENANAkd6IwCJkNd
429Please respect copyright.PENANAdWcC4s8uyv
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。429Please respect copyright.PENANAcQrFX8TFSu
429Please respect copyright.PENANA2jhAeah2H0
429Please respect copyright.PENANAeVBXm6z9f4
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。429Please respect copyright.PENANAS7HWS1VpN6
429Please respect copyright.PENANAa3vaQdD42f
429Please respect copyright.PENANACImdH0fD4w
角色:429Please respect copyright.PENANAFbj689LAs2
429Please respect copyright.PENANAFjWOs91WZS
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:429Please respect copyright.PENANAWagGrmAcl6
429Please respect copyright.PENANABJ3cRRLATG
主角:俊明
429Please respect copyright.PENANA1Z4aSmWLvR
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)429Please respect copyright.PENANAI1NGvaAB8j
429Please respect copyright.PENANA3wfmaS5lC0
主角現狀:遭人排擠
429Please respect copyright.PENANAOKS72zAPoU
奉翊:429Please respect copyright.PENANATDGxuqxo5F
不擅長飛行。429Please respect copyright.PENANAVQtrIgvauL
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。429Please respect copyright.PENANAwhi1qZUwAf
429Please respect copyright.PENANAqBumsqv19k
429Please respect copyright.PENANA0KCcfp7gok
429Please respect copyright.PENANAfqgOzUjbiV
對於角色整體的感想:429Please respect copyright.PENANAdFjBZtL7xG
429Please respect copyright.PENANAgl72HcpvQa
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。429Please respect copyright.PENANAmN9eWXe5gR
429Please respect copyright.PENANAlCzbt5GObF
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。429Please respect copyright.PENANAGtmDdtIJKu
429Please respect copyright.PENANAc24MtqF6sr
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:429Please respect copyright.PENANALmqLIy6AKh
429Please respect copyright.PENANANUiaIAgbIB
原作:429Please respect copyright.PENANA4tufKIxKJL
429Please respect copyright.PENANAmwWciCHFLS
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388429Please respect copyright.PENANAinhTZk7QKZ
429Please respect copyright.PENANAXz1OxiJyZs
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)429Please respect copyright.PENANA6VSrP4dtmn
429Please respect copyright.PENANARfUXD5p7hq
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):429Please respect copyright.PENANA5Rk35j92t0
429Please respect copyright.PENANA6mjrBoNdIj
調整後:429Please respect copyright.PENANADrUOZSfdTn
429Please respect copyright.PENANAm56WSxg4C8
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。429Please respect copyright.PENANARcmD8SIcdB
429Please respect copyright.PENANAi10q6vXJqf
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。429Please respect copyright.PENANAPYEyI5BJVz
429Please respect copyright.PENANA9xDwsowsqZ
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。429Please respect copyright.PENANA60hAGKgmaf
429Please respect copyright.PENANAaRQeL14xme
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」429Please respect copyright.PENANAUxdXUQ00ai
429Please respect copyright.PENANAowCkbHifRY
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。429Please respect copyright.PENANAXHU8fysNUL
429Please respect copyright.PENANApi1Kutytyy
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:429Please respect copyright.PENANALE0pyjJnvQ
429Please respect copyright.PENANAS6a2raPvth
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」429Please respect copyright.PENANAroXViKgu1k
429Please respect copyright.PENANAdUqT7etE38
查喀比茲?那是什麼?429Please respect copyright.PENANAGFG5MEpgVN
429Please respect copyright.PENANAaqkRKBTuzU
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:429Please respect copyright.PENANABEcqkpG0bb
429Please respect copyright.PENANAd9kjo5lpDe
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」429Please respect copyright.PENANASGl0aFjquf
429Please respect copyright.PENANAg74KlDsKYX
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。429Please respect copyright.PENANAZT96CHp4QZ
429Please respect copyright.PENANAjl7tjQLiTF
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」429Please respect copyright.PENANAlZvHUsXoKL
429Please respect copyright.PENANAXrtQgX9fxT
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。429Please respect copyright.PENANA846kXRynic
429Please respect copyright.PENANAnC6gOjsSt3
他進一步解釋道:429Please respect copyright.PENANAuiBgvRLlUz
429Please respect copyright.PENANAVkQCH5YEWW
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」429Please respect copyright.PENANAvRIvP5M1i8
429Please respect copyright.PENANAB9pjLqsMkA
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:429Please respect copyright.PENANAMsn1bURTyW
429Please respect copyright.PENANAYNIOX6Tiq6
「查詢,查喀比茲。」429Please respect copyright.PENANATYEKDv6jY6
429Please respect copyright.PENANAy9Jf9U8jmo
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。429Please respect copyright.PENANAoVPZSa3JKp
429Please respect copyright.PENANAHALnC9zfoW
「──查無此項結果。」429Please respect copyright.PENANAlyzyixailG
429Please respect copyright.PENANAmTb1OZGCbd
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。429Please respect copyright.PENANA2ZRngdwkJJ
429Please respect copyright.PENANA5UlcmXOJys
「啊啊!」429Please respect copyright.PENANABJR5KTpfYZ
429Please respect copyright.PENANA8BSXEzFnYX
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。429Please respect copyright.PENANAmAxh2JtPuh
429Please respect copyright.PENANAwpC9flwF2P
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」429Please respect copyright.PENANApunl2eVXRR
429Please respect copyright.PENANAkAPhlgAwhS
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:429Please respect copyright.PENANAPhRUVXk9KV
429Please respect copyright.PENANARBa8meX7N1
查喀比茲。429Please respect copyright.PENANA6YERKNgepf
429Please respect copyright.PENANAAIxRFPOvas
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。429Please respect copyright.PENANAv8mRhVgOrs
429Please respect copyright.PENANAlpMO6f6ubC
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。429Please respect copyright.PENANAJtmdNXaS26
429Please respect copyright.PENANAU5mhRQtoO8
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:429Please respect copyright.PENANAEbhEh74VuL
429Please respect copyright.PENANAFyxNJY7Zpn
「你、你、你……該不會──」429Please respect copyright.PENANAu6O455NYCV
429Please respect copyright.PENANAaOmFIKw1LV
「沒錯,我就是──」429Please respect copyright.PENANAAjoSbF138x
429Please respect copyright.PENANAFZNthKcse5
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:429Please respect copyright.PENANAjlKHn7fZFr
429Please respect copyright.PENANAGWob4ndFql
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」429Please respect copyright.PENANAYGMnJGdzUe
429Please respect copyright.PENANAiVD8O0Eu0S
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:429Please respect copyright.PENANA4jqCy05V8x
429Please respect copyright.PENANAzR8dc49RM2
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」429Please respect copyright.PENANA4FVLu2aKHr
429Please respect copyright.PENANASjzmnXzT5x
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。429Please respect copyright.PENANATYi7j9bWk0
429Please respect copyright.PENANAgErONjBXgU
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:429Please respect copyright.PENANAHJmIyS6FP8
429Please respect copyright.PENANAd89NC17b7C
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」429Please respect copyright.PENANAYerdoOqYxE
429Please respect copyright.PENANAg6KpmLLGdW
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。429Please respect copyright.PENANAg5Q1GxOza6
429Please respect copyright.PENANAbs1hSJrBTi
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。429Please respect copyright.PENANAi8UEUD1a36
429Please respect copyright.PENANABvv2Owg0CX
主線劇情:429Please respect copyright.PENANAcTzvUgufMh
429Please respect copyright.PENANAmTiAZxtZiq
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。429Please respect copyright.PENANARfYtXsMt13
429Please respect copyright.PENANAYUpXPRXE5r
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。429Please respect copyright.PENANAENMOU9zG5j
429Please respect copyright.PENANAFzNcojwz1j
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。429Please respect copyright.PENANA0QsewaNeMX
429Please respect copyright.PENANAutxPtjhTsU
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:429Please respect copyright.PENANAeON0hFOoXw
429Please respect copyright.PENANAsrtxkYyW6G
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)429Please respect copyright.PENANAhyEuKpc6sM
429Please respect copyright.PENANAmRvmgOEwe7
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)429Please respect copyright.PENANAVMpWDtL9IO
429Please respect copyright.PENANAonfmcYkUqC
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)429Please respect copyright.PENANAfOmzAWhFKs
429Please respect copyright.PENANA3QnUYfDkMu
429Please respect copyright.PENANADCBNQp8KKI
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。429Please respect copyright.PENANAcKUnfiyuch
429Please respect copyright.PENANA6t85RdkiIX
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:429Please respect copyright.PENANAg9BAIBCOb4
429Please respect copyright.PENANAn49ePVTRpx
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。429Please respect copyright.PENANAR5GikKf0Kp
429Please respect copyright.PENANAyKJqUNIyDu
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。429Please respect copyright.PENANAxDVoI3mC5F
429Please respect copyright.PENANAqzL7wTkET1
那麼差不多是這樣。429Please respect copyright.PENANAeyql5fOs5c
429Please respect copyright.PENANAzqtwEFksen
429Please respect copyright.PENANAhuf4K0cZ2Z
429Please respect copyright.PENANAh52owB7nBr
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。429Please respect copyright.PENANAYm6Fdy29iH
429Please respect copyright.PENANAOXc12uW5o7
總之加油吧。
429Please respect copyright.PENANAHr66ZIsn1G
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
429Please respect copyright.PENANATyqlVwLCIK
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
429Please respect copyright.PENANAkwney44pTz
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
429Please respect copyright.PENANAGFQUDO9FkC
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
429Please respect copyright.PENANAUPs9IuknrH
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。429Please respect copyright.PENANAADYldpVfxz
429Please respect copyright.PENANA49fnA504h3
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」429Please respect copyright.PENANAzks7owvOIb
429Please respect copyright.PENANAyaKv0nKh9P
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。429Please respect copyright.PENANAyxvii2F1KW
429Please respect copyright.PENANAFC0AEHsoPK
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:429Please respect copyright.PENANAWJU8nNUrwQ
429Please respect copyright.PENANAPewgpwKbZ9
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」429Please respect copyright.PENANAaTzSoOvDlh
429Please respect copyright.PENANAXmgcW8qF0R
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
429Please respect copyright.PENANAW1t8yuWJte
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
429Please respect copyright.PENANACxKBNTUdyJ
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
429Please respect copyright.PENANAZNRIIWYHQI
主角:俊明429Please respect copyright.PENANAwrRf3KVyFn
429Please respect copyright.PENANABZNTvAYhPH
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)429Please respect copyright.PENANAm631AupnFi
429Please respect copyright.PENANAqhqf4KtK8B
429Please respect copyright.PENANAfPD86bgHDJ
主角現狀:遭人排擠429Please respect copyright.PENANAylavBVwgSL
429Please respect copyright.PENANAKUhGHOflzp
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
429Please respect copyright.PENANArDpsVPURs5
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。429Please respect copyright.PENANAX9GCmGATmP
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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