幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
358Please respect copyright.PENANAh9ZUpaKfnG
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
358Please respect copyright.PENANAZNouzvCWKa
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
358Please respect copyright.PENANAhUwSahXF6Z
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
358Please respect copyright.PENANApGT4bhOsxA
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
358Please respect copyright.PENANAscbPZyJWPX
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
358Please respect copyright.PENANA5rFQYW0CHI
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
358Please respect copyright.PENANAaxUhYsdNbE
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。358Please respect copyright.PENANA72pAWDrYam
358Please respect copyright.PENANAG8Crr524lW
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358Please respect copyright.PENANAEQZ2T07p1J
世界觀:358Please respect copyright.PENANAcFYiOFTPOJ
358Please respect copyright.PENANAu7GFg2b2NO
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
358Please respect copyright.PENANABw0X2YaipJ
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
358Please respect copyright.PENANAgZ9K7SII2v
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
358Please respect copyright.PENANAXFMzcLx7Dp
358Please respect copyright.PENANAZsnyqzvF6Q
劇情細節的提醒:358Please respect copyright.PENANAbkID5kHOOl
358Please respect copyright.PENANABkICuNcU5u
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:358Please respect copyright.PENANANoiiITvwlJ
358Please respect copyright.PENANAtV9tiFci1k
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。358Please respect copyright.PENANAw6crFDN4ua
358Please respect copyright.PENANAxEqQEzq1dg
參考網站:358Please respect copyright.PENANAqopafpNosK
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html358Please respect copyright.PENANAyUIo9bPk4f
358Please respect copyright.PENANAO1c4sX90TL
358Please respect copyright.PENANAk27DuB47FG
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。358Please respect copyright.PENANAD0EfFaM2iy
358Please respect copyright.PENANABX1rFMn3Bj
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。358Please respect copyright.PENANAFMT8lJG8Jh
358Please respect copyright.PENANAwttXOBLen5
358Please respect copyright.PENANAoOiv5tdD4B
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。358Please respect copyright.PENANAgZBuBxfDZ1
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角色:358Please respect copyright.PENANAlETnIHTgd0
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:358Please respect copyright.PENANAelDvGQTe0k
358Please respect copyright.PENANA47qD8rEWR3
主角:俊明
358Please respect copyright.PENANAjmoKB8lBkB
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)358Please respect copyright.PENANAvh5ApXmRPD
358Please respect copyright.PENANAga15sAusbx
主角現狀:遭人排擠
358Please respect copyright.PENANATN2darssQv
奉翊:358Please respect copyright.PENANAGGGNdFLCNi
不擅長飛行。358Please respect copyright.PENANARgXCglP2r9
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。358Please respect copyright.PENANAYweuUC89GS
358Please respect copyright.PENANA1M8OAFKmJR
358Please respect copyright.PENANAxbr9iFBATY
358Please respect copyright.PENANAK1ZQjopFRf
對於角色整體的感想:358Please respect copyright.PENANAItwKpHHoIx
358Please respect copyright.PENANAfDHhUn15Ti
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。358Please respect copyright.PENANARHiVg5JtqH
358Please respect copyright.PENANArlEjmgPpD9
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。358Please respect copyright.PENANAAqpujHWtrL
358Please respect copyright.PENANAb6p69QzdlE
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:358Please respect copyright.PENANAHNrs3hffAj
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原作:358Please respect copyright.PENANAssGWoh55pu
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俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388358Please respect copyright.PENANAU3eLEth5hV
358Please respect copyright.PENANADYGuwIiB9w
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)358Please respect copyright.PENANA4KGbvNOpOA
358Please respect copyright.PENANApKZX9QEBGG
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):358Please respect copyright.PENANAbjDMpWJJA6
358Please respect copyright.PENANAc5monICdEN
調整後:358Please respect copyright.PENANAG00TVDQoVG
358Please respect copyright.PENANAfRDScueHs3
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。358Please respect copyright.PENANAWtcn78ZQeN
358Please respect copyright.PENANAF1ZqgN6dxS
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。358Please respect copyright.PENANAxWvXnLSIgH
358Please respect copyright.PENANAvv49shJOAg
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。358Please respect copyright.PENANA2r8V47fJbc
358Please respect copyright.PENANAWnnETSKOe3
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」358Please respect copyright.PENANAA89sufYCuZ
358Please respect copyright.PENANATEGfFkGdR3
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。358Please respect copyright.PENANArHYrJ0rV1T
358Please respect copyright.PENANAkeK4cCFLyv
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:358Please respect copyright.PENANAMVdvnKFxlH
358Please respect copyright.PENANAIDXnRxhVsY
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」358Please respect copyright.PENANAYq6WvhfRrA
358Please respect copyright.PENANAEPAgAKGw5k
查喀比茲?那是什麼?358Please respect copyright.PENANABeIzBCccJH
358Please respect copyright.PENANAyiELWRc2dv
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:358Please respect copyright.PENANAAWItlCQC6K
358Please respect copyright.PENANAuUvJqUE1Ed
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」358Please respect copyright.PENANAsi6uZei3G4
358Please respect copyright.PENANA1iD9Fb2I5d
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。358Please respect copyright.PENANAaIcOIzQoyt
358Please respect copyright.PENANAYMldH6fgsJ
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」358Please respect copyright.PENANAs4SCfATZEm
358Please respect copyright.PENANAxsqplpAyP2
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。358Please respect copyright.PENANAFmm9Sk49ci
358Please respect copyright.PENANAeLYVTNImDY
他進一步解釋道:358Please respect copyright.PENANAxs1B4zfLrL
358Please respect copyright.PENANA1sGSJh3Voh
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」358Please respect copyright.PENANAMZkw5NzaDF
358Please respect copyright.PENANAQxmUe0wxo6
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:358Please respect copyright.PENANAILmhCMadr9
358Please respect copyright.PENANAjmCVfRuOVu
「查詢,查喀比茲。」358Please respect copyright.PENANAXScALX4spU
358Please respect copyright.PENANApC3MZHwlOh
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。358Please respect copyright.PENANAino9myATRI
358Please respect copyright.PENANAzDxFtvDGgM
「──查無此項結果。」358Please respect copyright.PENANAJ473wNIfI6
358Please respect copyright.PENANAJOXhGGX953
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。358Please respect copyright.PENANAirtCZaYyvH
358Please respect copyright.PENANAFJTT2low7D
「啊啊!」358Please respect copyright.PENANApLarQXiUga
358Please respect copyright.PENANAuS95w9n6Lb
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。358Please respect copyright.PENANAInj9Uf2vP0
358Please respect copyright.PENANAdJF9oJc6Iz
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」358Please respect copyright.PENANAN2N5piDMml
358Please respect copyright.PENANAIsz6ACzbPD
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:358Please respect copyright.PENANAuE9ZE0mp8S
358Please respect copyright.PENANA11dad2zwf3
查喀比茲。358Please respect copyright.PENANAQcXeJ6UInD
358Please respect copyright.PENANAqt2XJretCj
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。358Please respect copyright.PENANAloZpJCM2Yv
358Please respect copyright.PENANAl5cxBQJdyL
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。358Please respect copyright.PENANAPoHKL9lHuO
358Please respect copyright.PENANAscceefPHvM
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:358Please respect copyright.PENANA22745LUcV9
358Please respect copyright.PENANALDj3LfINkB
「你、你、你……該不會──」358Please respect copyright.PENANABd3dDSqq1Q
358Please respect copyright.PENANAogvp1tGLHQ
「沒錯,我就是──」358Please respect copyright.PENANAUHv4RNgHiR
358Please respect copyright.PENANAMhU78z7T9d
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:358Please respect copyright.PENANAsfocsjFArj
358Please respect copyright.PENANAxGtmJlxU81
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」358Please respect copyright.PENANAdUUNdsKsyM
358Please respect copyright.PENANAaOlfLzyRgI
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:358Please respect copyright.PENANAm4YKyC4i2q
358Please respect copyright.PENANAyON9yx1Vif
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」358Please respect copyright.PENANAUj26dh64Pw
358Please respect copyright.PENANAcAGqZTTWu3
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。358Please respect copyright.PENANAvBJIuSaW10
358Please respect copyright.PENANAcVCz5818jo
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:358Please respect copyright.PENANAYqqlvn4Y1S
358Please respect copyright.PENANASU9VMbL7Yv
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」358Please respect copyright.PENANATvcovmAZBh
358Please respect copyright.PENANATU6LrnOoKd
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。358Please respect copyright.PENANA66oJm3KJFy
358Please respect copyright.PENANA8vzibV9sUW
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。358Please respect copyright.PENANAZnJ6l8kv4L
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主線劇情:358Please respect copyright.PENANAw5cV1mD0u5
358Please respect copyright.PENANAOASBRcfOyO
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。358Please respect copyright.PENANAet9tzuCnEv
358Please respect copyright.PENANA1RcF4B3WiJ
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。358Please respect copyright.PENANAH7ciO3DC3U
358Please respect copyright.PENANAxX6rvOAIm4
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。358Please respect copyright.PENANAAacWGvGEDJ
358Please respect copyright.PENANAPp0hSq4qoC
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:358Please respect copyright.PENANAGigEW5fAZu
358Please respect copyright.PENANA3zNXk47l0T
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)358Please respect copyright.PENANAQEhwHBiqFl
358Please respect copyright.PENANAhAmY15MmMm
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)358Please respect copyright.PENANAFpw9Dzj1v5
358Please respect copyright.PENANAuoVxrR1fJw
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)358Please respect copyright.PENANAt50CuRUZk5
358Please respect copyright.PENANAz5JoCfGOJe
358Please respect copyright.PENANAqpicpriT9X
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。358Please respect copyright.PENANAWaX0RsweXO
358Please respect copyright.PENANAMzXXe9lp40
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:358Please respect copyright.PENANAkefjtLFp7V
358Please respect copyright.PENANArrZakhmeF9
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。358Please respect copyright.PENANAkBplAUTXC1
358Please respect copyright.PENANAmpMcjavuCM
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。358Please respect copyright.PENANA17c1IEVgKN
358Please respect copyright.PENANAVAPBJaCNAT
那麼差不多是這樣。358Please respect copyright.PENANA3DW9TJGDp3
358Please respect copyright.PENANAQvabiFMzLu
358Please respect copyright.PENANAuWR2iqHkYS
358Please respect copyright.PENANAPJSYQk5wpT
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。358Please respect copyright.PENANALzY3nWoK0m
358Please respect copyright.PENANABjGhe9UvkQ
總之加油吧。
358Please respect copyright.PENANAim8nx7lzTC
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
358Please respect copyright.PENANAGABa99quev
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
358Please respect copyright.PENANAQXc0Q8bnQt
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
358Please respect copyright.PENANAK1Jp8YSjeV
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
358Please respect copyright.PENANAwmqN62xohQ
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。358Please respect copyright.PENANAX7Fl5GU078
358Please respect copyright.PENANApvnwJsHFi6
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」358Please respect copyright.PENANAd0W0nmh68F
358Please respect copyright.PENANAQLIgRjxIHF
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。358Please respect copyright.PENANA02lboKwBk3
358Please respect copyright.PENANAUEy29eNIU7
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:358Please respect copyright.PENANAAYrh6IGHiS
358Please respect copyright.PENANAoAdiLsA3i8
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」358Please respect copyright.PENANAMkHkCOtFka
358Please respect copyright.PENANApAKNERyGWv
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
358Please respect copyright.PENANA4qGfBUdaxf
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
358Please respect copyright.PENANAlX1GllltDm
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
358Please respect copyright.PENANAjZzL84AFsK
主角:俊明358Please respect copyright.PENANA9X3LBpXwrl
358Please respect copyright.PENANA8uCRD2kiWp
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)358Please respect copyright.PENANA8SFumkfOVs
358Please respect copyright.PENANAlBqqxHk0cn
358Please respect copyright.PENANAOl0MttF7q3
主角現狀:遭人排擠358Please respect copyright.PENANAfMoeFj4CBi
358Please respect copyright.PENANAdpxh2WstY4
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。358Please respect copyright.PENANAuAmjYyxYue
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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