幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
422Please respect copyright.PENANAqAf8ZB7T8f
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
422Please respect copyright.PENANAShnvwAzEco
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
422Please respect copyright.PENANASSkSc4BAd2
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
422Please respect copyright.PENANAo5KkAEiaHy
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
422Please respect copyright.PENANAYUAKkGLpe3
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
422Please respect copyright.PENANAuCOWldFE0u
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
422Please respect copyright.PENANAGZlfRUdMJe
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。422Please respect copyright.PENANAA7XYzepBK8
422Please respect copyright.PENANAHVtbtQgIdj
422Please respect copyright.PENANAGJByjG4Xyq
422Please respect copyright.PENANAFKI9OGV46o
世界觀:422Please respect copyright.PENANATPxyHh6ARZ
422Please respect copyright.PENANAuiOHElSvom
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
422Please respect copyright.PENANA5WTyauLk47
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
422Please respect copyright.PENANAZe2YfmULDY
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
422Please respect copyright.PENANA2BoM7K8KGt
422Please respect copyright.PENANAixlmWq84k2
劇情細節的提醒:422Please respect copyright.PENANAYNgzqeooL8
422Please respect copyright.PENANAbHO6A9zZcF
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:422Please respect copyright.PENANA0xrUm4Cf4v
422Please respect copyright.PENANAso9WQt9rVa
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。422Please respect copyright.PENANAXUvPDZqQOW
422Please respect copyright.PENANA9B9GVxAY1B
參考網站:422Please respect copyright.PENANA7xJsZ1BkZh
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html422Please respect copyright.PENANAZw0VSH5wV1
422Please respect copyright.PENANAf0nnNLQ7sq
422Please respect copyright.PENANAVwJu0k1zg6
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。422Please respect copyright.PENANArwWIVizGw3
422Please respect copyright.PENANAGyHPfh4cON
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。422Please respect copyright.PENANAmAUL09aaw2
422Please respect copyright.PENANAyj9qj89lIh
422Please respect copyright.PENANAP05wuqx1wa
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。422Please respect copyright.PENANAQAXXLYRikW
422Please respect copyright.PENANAusFiBMMegB
422Please respect copyright.PENANAv8gVmSeEHM
角色:422Please respect copyright.PENANAW1k4FrsfD4
422Please respect copyright.PENANAYu6BTM4hxm
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:422Please respect copyright.PENANAgtdJJzGd7F
422Please respect copyright.PENANAALcbxBJsgS
主角:俊明
422Please respect copyright.PENANANeWOHO0oHa
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)422Please respect copyright.PENANA5ac16uojgu
422Please respect copyright.PENANAgJKhXXXtvl
主角現狀:遭人排擠
422Please respect copyright.PENANAIzqWwvZBi2
奉翊:422Please respect copyright.PENANADicN9Kf5uV
不擅長飛行。422Please respect copyright.PENANA5kndR6CEjq
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。422Please respect copyright.PENANABhWPJ83ULe
422Please respect copyright.PENANAqxz4jIDRlR
422Please respect copyright.PENANANTfMgInwXQ
422Please respect copyright.PENANA6uxIDNxJxt
對於角色整體的感想:422Please respect copyright.PENANAkOKHtIfATZ
422Please respect copyright.PENANASzUQYNiu3y
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。422Please respect copyright.PENANAE4E8kqyk5w
422Please respect copyright.PENANAg5QYrz1XDx
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。422Please respect copyright.PENANAQazlshJAPp
422Please respect copyright.PENANALTCnYCOUoZ
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:422Please respect copyright.PENANApbOhxm4r63
422Please respect copyright.PENANARPXpqmOXKx
原作:422Please respect copyright.PENANAsygPGvXQzK
422Please respect copyright.PENANAT3qJZVq31A
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388422Please respect copyright.PENANAzBNTGGtPtF
422Please respect copyright.PENANA9Kl0mt17Yb
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)422Please respect copyright.PENANASMlw95zFnn
422Please respect copyright.PENANAFTQkV8mXFc
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):422Please respect copyright.PENANALIqu4Z8Pp6
422Please respect copyright.PENANAutzWNvYYr8
調整後:422Please respect copyright.PENANAkbghCeXBgW
422Please respect copyright.PENANAvN22JdFgET
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。422Please respect copyright.PENANAPyWQb9Z5Vr
422Please respect copyright.PENANApQG6LWxIZl
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。422Please respect copyright.PENANA4GDCxGxPj9
422Please respect copyright.PENANAtsqckww0Bw
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。422Please respect copyright.PENANAywBWC2W7s5
422Please respect copyright.PENANAPcp7TUssH0
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」422Please respect copyright.PENANAkArEnNvpju
422Please respect copyright.PENANAUpgz0CV6b1
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。422Please respect copyright.PENANA9GjyvgSLgk
422Please respect copyright.PENANAYmZ6p98R1Z
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:422Please respect copyright.PENANAnVnE2txwOk
422Please respect copyright.PENANAbA1snvweMS
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」422Please respect copyright.PENANANG7GS519pb
422Please respect copyright.PENANAJRXMe48goa
查喀比茲?那是什麼?422Please respect copyright.PENANA6vQjZDf7Qw
422Please respect copyright.PENANA1iL4XNxRO6
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:422Please respect copyright.PENANAjBOzEjQUVM
422Please respect copyright.PENANAIjRPsW1EQm
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」422Please respect copyright.PENANATaL1V3E784
422Please respect copyright.PENANAoO6tmmEBNi
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。422Please respect copyright.PENANAic6eZKaC3k
422Please respect copyright.PENANA1C9J3hwvQj
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAq9jqJ6dnt1
422Please respect copyright.PENANAFWLfPJROiQ
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。422Please respect copyright.PENANAzirotjzsF9
422Please respect copyright.PENANAnRnHnGmytG
他進一步解釋道:422Please respect copyright.PENANAzHNyqKHox9
422Please respect copyright.PENANAFViX24gifh
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAC9CFxhLno6
422Please respect copyright.PENANAnVkTDrQazF
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:422Please respect copyright.PENANAiepgL5meJa
422Please respect copyright.PENANAe9iy4iBw22
「查詢,查喀比茲。」422Please respect copyright.PENANA3qzJUBlKiK
422Please respect copyright.PENANAJVjULbZy6Q
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。422Please respect copyright.PENANAjxkL8ftl9P
422Please respect copyright.PENANAe0dYmaLrET
「──查無此項結果。」422Please respect copyright.PENANA6pXi4WjBFB
422Please respect copyright.PENANAaP69rPTzxd
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。422Please respect copyright.PENANANYDzduvCT8
422Please respect copyright.PENANAgWSHuhAFyE
「啊啊!」422Please respect copyright.PENANAjjxLgtbOYQ
422Please respect copyright.PENANAkzGsIexJZE
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。422Please respect copyright.PENANAVOJS5KGMPx
422Please respect copyright.PENANAeHysNW7BV1
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」422Please respect copyright.PENANArvkolLCUme
422Please respect copyright.PENANA7AlCRhqmD9
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:422Please respect copyright.PENANAMTXuAXFIN9
422Please respect copyright.PENANADv3ZrEkKfp
查喀比茲。422Please respect copyright.PENANAs54ikigZiz
422Please respect copyright.PENANAaARfdvEVrY
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。422Please respect copyright.PENANAh5ZEnt7D0O
422Please respect copyright.PENANAdy1kQqYi4E
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。422Please respect copyright.PENANAs6JdgpaJS2
422Please respect copyright.PENANAAL5v6pY0KA
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:422Please respect copyright.PENANA1idB9HbmRG
422Please respect copyright.PENANA9WqarP1WPs
「你、你、你……該不會──」422Please respect copyright.PENANAdOkSvD72Ch
422Please respect copyright.PENANAcZVgGIjBNr
「沒錯,我就是──」422Please respect copyright.PENANAw4cuX5lHp4
422Please respect copyright.PENANALdZp8ntIcp
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:422Please respect copyright.PENANAl1llvZUkHZ
422Please respect copyright.PENANANwaxqrIdNW
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」422Please respect copyright.PENANA8L2zFVE0k9
422Please respect copyright.PENANAf9X7pGKKiz
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:422Please respect copyright.PENANACOtBTBMNJK
422Please respect copyright.PENANASM0w8ERRzN
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAvuqjJnILDe
422Please respect copyright.PENANAZCx6NMJa7j
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。422Please respect copyright.PENANAsEbDdy2Qny
422Please respect copyright.PENANAmTkyTjlBR8
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:422Please respect copyright.PENANAFE0WggTIzB
422Please respect copyright.PENANAdm8stPYcYN
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」422Please respect copyright.PENANAabUhjLuApw
422Please respect copyright.PENANAvnPlyg5O8o
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。422Please respect copyright.PENANAZZC9VOoYcX
422Please respect copyright.PENANABEmR5dnrlh
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。422Please respect copyright.PENANA4gTZCkH2gc
422Please respect copyright.PENANAXS9DHoOrB1
主線劇情:422Please respect copyright.PENANAQlEcNALoT2
422Please respect copyright.PENANAmVpkDDnXLV
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。422Please respect copyright.PENANANVfAw5eq7y
422Please respect copyright.PENANAFPhlWP8RAj
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。422Please respect copyright.PENANAC07vIzMqdt
422Please respect copyright.PENANAOCmZzCufIJ
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。422Please respect copyright.PENANARQKg8Kbt6w
422Please respect copyright.PENANAglYS17N9Lf
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:422Please respect copyright.PENANAmPNiqqFNfk
422Please respect copyright.PENANAgqFPstwNSt
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)422Please respect copyright.PENANAFzl5lxbgdt
422Please respect copyright.PENANAE3rD1ZPy3x
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)422Please respect copyright.PENANAzvhlDmdhDC
422Please respect copyright.PENANArT0P2M4ZC6
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)422Please respect copyright.PENANAyXpiK5nHZt
422Please respect copyright.PENANA9IXNF3gdaQ
422Please respect copyright.PENANA4yI8IHjhuc
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。422Please respect copyright.PENANAnHLOte71Ss
422Please respect copyright.PENANABUTKil2u68
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:422Please respect copyright.PENANAEROEPessaU
422Please respect copyright.PENANA2CvtHMt0Hs
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。422Please respect copyright.PENANAmIU8gSC22c
422Please respect copyright.PENANAJu0dHIIDqB
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。422Please respect copyright.PENANA0XcATEbpT2
422Please respect copyright.PENANAzPpJwhfOHW
那麼差不多是這樣。422Please respect copyright.PENANAJrnZf4Fidi
422Please respect copyright.PENANANdfZuGtFZo
422Please respect copyright.PENANAAQhs49T6pj
422Please respect copyright.PENANATCQfh0O5P8
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。422Please respect copyright.PENANAMEXZPTVcjr
422Please respect copyright.PENANAKoKGdJcS1S
總之加油吧。
422Please respect copyright.PENANAotqsXjBfoz
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
422Please respect copyright.PENANAbV1gXbAu63
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
422Please respect copyright.PENANA4NOYvx77qz
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
422Please respect copyright.PENANACFyeGrKdKj
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
422Please respect copyright.PENANAdHyVdSVHrd
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。422Please respect copyright.PENANAGG5Ie52d8F
422Please respect copyright.PENANAQvgrvFUoUf
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」422Please respect copyright.PENANAeiaPQQ8AAo
422Please respect copyright.PENANAgIMecDbqrN
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。422Please respect copyright.PENANAAcoEnhjd1w
422Please respect copyright.PENANAK1GYCxw5eI
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:422Please respect copyright.PENANAYVlw0IBH8c
422Please respect copyright.PENANAiAdJ3y9eST
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAGbCXTUzNHJ
422Please respect copyright.PENANAHI6baCMiA0
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
422Please respect copyright.PENANA7n7raiJHfW
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
422Please respect copyright.PENANAZpaLJ3gMwQ
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
422Please respect copyright.PENANAiXcWs5ED1U
主角:俊明422Please respect copyright.PENANAy9Waf1r2dR
422Please respect copyright.PENANADpX1je2g8g
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)422Please respect copyright.PENANABA1XtDViCp
422Please respect copyright.PENANALYDu2qrrAu
422Please respect copyright.PENANAne2p4cJGMV
主角現狀:遭人排擠422Please respect copyright.PENANA7IjDEEV0PY
422Please respect copyright.PENANAz8khNtFZis
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
422Please respect copyright.PENANAlJ6yRzMk4W
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。422Please respect copyright.PENANAYmUYPqNryT
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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