幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
160Please respect copyright.PENANAep3iY0Eprm
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
160Please respect copyright.PENANA56mTN0nu6e
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
160Please respect copyright.PENANAjtDbdzYPKJ
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
160Please respect copyright.PENANA4yDiO7sZjt
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
160Please respect copyright.PENANABFgdserT9I
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
160Please respect copyright.PENANA618DglZOB2
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
160Please respect copyright.PENANALCtiXrpXkO
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。160Please respect copyright.PENANAda3UnDoAHF
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世界觀:160Please respect copyright.PENANAAPZ9ikwIKB
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本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
160Please respect copyright.PENANAk7QzJruFy9
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
160Please respect copyright.PENANAwkWpIbmDpN
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
160Please respect copyright.PENANAEJ54Jq3seP
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劇情細節的提醒:160Please respect copyright.PENANAFG5uaw3ofQ
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a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:160Please respect copyright.PENANAUymx2flJRY
160Please respect copyright.PENANAk3CV5fEAF7
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。160Please respect copyright.PENANAv2VuAckgI1
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參考網站:160Please respect copyright.PENANAVGR6EvDQBR
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html160Please respect copyright.PENANAOEJqcdVnPe
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b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。160Please respect copyright.PENANAbbmYWaNzzv
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例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。160Please respect copyright.PENANAwXKz6xpWQg
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c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。160Please respect copyright.PENANA55mQyO6avP
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角色:160Please respect copyright.PENANA8VjZ6RmECD
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:160Please respect copyright.PENANAYejMTI4S1G
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主角:俊明
160Please respect copyright.PENANA5MnPI43BZv
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)160Please respect copyright.PENANAJbBGWVYfW6
160Please respect copyright.PENANAHolaXRF4h7
主角現狀:遭人排擠
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奉翊:160Please respect copyright.PENANAA9i9SErMO3
不擅長飛行。160Please respect copyright.PENANAwZVvfKw22D
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。160Please respect copyright.PENANAlxEjWKEfwW
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對於角色整體的感想:160Please respect copyright.PENANARJUxbGRami
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目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。160Please respect copyright.PENANA7nn8Ofyqd4
160Please respect copyright.PENANAroGVDIb5tG
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。160Please respect copyright.PENANArWR0aKKOci
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這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:160Please respect copyright.PENANAuJL7bCRTas
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原作:160Please respect copyright.PENANAeEDTMuCh9t
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俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388160Please respect copyright.PENANA90QkrigxvH
160Please respect copyright.PENANAvNH1AFfk8M
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)160Please respect copyright.PENANAjtR2wwlEAU
160Please respect copyright.PENANA8jwD0ZkMl4
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):160Please respect copyright.PENANAnRVSpkn01k
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調整後:160Please respect copyright.PENANAPVO6ncjgoJ
160Please respect copyright.PENANAMMnFfLReta
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。160Please respect copyright.PENANAaSsQCblyFE
160Please respect copyright.PENANAvT4GEkCPcf
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。160Please respect copyright.PENANAxzHldQ7p5h
160Please respect copyright.PENANAX99b4CPytq
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。160Please respect copyright.PENANAPTyAFhwzfr
160Please respect copyright.PENANAZGyevlU4SY
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」160Please respect copyright.PENANALvTGSSE4sV
160Please respect copyright.PENANAEE38vJ759h
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。160Please respect copyright.PENANAA6gbvYTjAP
160Please respect copyright.PENANAyHzUj42b0c
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:160Please respect copyright.PENANAAvVaDcYnvX
160Please respect copyright.PENANAiCZ6XzHpiZ
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」160Please respect copyright.PENANAOuYsmGWxYw
160Please respect copyright.PENANAabqrRxfkdq
查喀比茲?那是什麼?160Please respect copyright.PENANAMOhEUTbVAp
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一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:160Please respect copyright.PENANAcjm6rA0C2i
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「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」160Please respect copyright.PENANA7kz5lJ6OQE
160Please respect copyright.PENANAVQNqoflewi
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。160Please respect copyright.PENANAAq6fZR83dF
160Please respect copyright.PENANAp5zMfzgjKB
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」160Please respect copyright.PENANAiQIv4UCpL8
160Please respect copyright.PENANAEVXdbSQhD6
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。160Please respect copyright.PENANAGDPw8M82RK
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他進一步解釋道:160Please respect copyright.PENANAU3ZKjaMxx4
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「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」160Please respect copyright.PENANAUX5Gf0NCqT
160Please respect copyright.PENANAt4fTgKgcgW
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:160Please respect copyright.PENANA2ZihAftEEe
160Please respect copyright.PENANA2a7X1qxoyp
「查詢,查喀比茲。」160Please respect copyright.PENANAbTkzbyvmsV
160Please respect copyright.PENANAjODmuvWHZz
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。160Please respect copyright.PENANAaV0qWg8xr9
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「──查無此項結果。」160Please respect copyright.PENANAIgyMobHDAL
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然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。160Please respect copyright.PENANAOPhUz1AX1t
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「啊啊!」160Please respect copyright.PENANAn1Nu1pf2fo
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吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。160Please respect copyright.PENANAMp6NwuVts7
160Please respect copyright.PENANAUxtsGx51UC
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」160Please respect copyright.PENANA3vORYmJfjB
160Please respect copyright.PENANACSLCDSQR9m
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:160Please respect copyright.PENANASZM5BzTWhc
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查喀比茲。160Please respect copyright.PENANA2JfWb0WsSw
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給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。160Please respect copyright.PENANAHd0X3BYMax
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螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。160Please respect copyright.PENANAGyLXyakIX7
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但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:160Please respect copyright.PENANAoyECQgi80O
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「你、你、你……該不會──」160Please respect copyright.PENANAgove8na4QC
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「沒錯,我就是──」160Please respect copyright.PENANAiEVWwzOOrZ
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男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:160Please respect copyright.PENANAfQMypbadSl
160Please respect copyright.PENANAHX4I2wrar9
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」160Please respect copyright.PENANABqydllYGDs
160Please respect copyright.PENANAg1bGygjiaI
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:160Please respect copyright.PENANA3AE5ZG9zCW
160Please respect copyright.PENANAHEVCllATOs
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」160Please respect copyright.PENANAwLxCvTKDoF
160Please respect copyright.PENANAOnIidchlWv
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。160Please respect copyright.PENANAsB6p3DOjfo
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俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:160Please respect copyright.PENANAlTl2LCEhGW
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「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」160Please respect copyright.PENANA4KmJn7hZiW
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但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。160Please respect copyright.PENANAQEw6tHAtJj
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像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。160Please respect copyright.PENANAM8azFwBnSR
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主線劇情:160Please respect copyright.PENANACD4J7W124n
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主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。160Please respect copyright.PENANAJvIhB1waKb
160Please respect copyright.PENANAfhsdrzp4Zr
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。160Please respect copyright.PENANACceaFw17A9
160Please respect copyright.PENANAyKtMUuEItZ
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。160Please respect copyright.PENANA5NBRBrNEEc
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而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:160Please respect copyright.PENANApThc9UMUtF
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懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)160Please respect copyright.PENANAR3rc91o02G
160Please respect copyright.PENANAJgkIYtB742
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)160Please respect copyright.PENANAL59J4DjCds
160Please respect copyright.PENANA3qVfpVOKVk
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)160Please respect copyright.PENANA9JiurRPmep
160Please respect copyright.PENANAyA8tD1JGJY
160Please respect copyright.PENANA2OEhVd1USg
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。160Please respect copyright.PENANA5Mq0TBbvkJ
160Please respect copyright.PENANAH8gyZvBJzV
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:160Please respect copyright.PENANAGnMToQ93Go
160Please respect copyright.PENANAL7WFCJEscG
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。160Please respect copyright.PENANApfjZBOP0Ab
160Please respect copyright.PENANAnLgLNAtkoW
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。160Please respect copyright.PENANAmrb3wMD3hl
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那麼差不多是這樣。160Please respect copyright.PENANAgN8KP4ZWFq
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關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。160Please respect copyright.PENANA0WeaB7xilJ
160Please respect copyright.PENANAFf9DQGtbdr
總之加油吧。
160Please respect copyright.PENANADD7xPZPve8
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
160Please respect copyright.PENANACbVhqREClt
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
160Please respect copyright.PENANAGwmN6SFlR4
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
160Please respect copyright.PENANAvK8WFmKNm6
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
160Please respect copyright.PENANAYomXiw9O1w
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。160Please respect copyright.PENANARqIMJRlZEu
160Please respect copyright.PENANApDvb26mCO5
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」160Please respect copyright.PENANAYrZuJHF2QP
160Please respect copyright.PENANAYWad6NQUbK
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。160Please respect copyright.PENANAfOJJYquwoh
160Please respect copyright.PENANAdpMuQuxcwS
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:160Please respect copyright.PENANAXFXh6hyprV
160Please respect copyright.PENANA8Zt9jLDfDN
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」160Please respect copyright.PENANAow5wE5mgvC
160Please respect copyright.PENANAP91SB2akdu
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
160Please respect copyright.PENANAHPDXv6DeHW
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
160Please respect copyright.PENANAfmz9WPck5l
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
160Please respect copyright.PENANAJmbq4UtKjw
主角:俊明160Please respect copyright.PENANAqeUAIIwHpI
160Please respect copyright.PENANAwq6ZiyaaE8
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)160Please respect copyright.PENANA2rD6Ffe2Jn
160Please respect copyright.PENANAC05DyygCDT
160Please respect copyright.PENANApvnW0u7ZLJ
主角現狀:遭人排擠160Please respect copyright.PENANAqeBEik87Uk
160Please respect copyright.PENANA8G4VOHz4J2
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。160Please respect copyright.PENANAHd8JF9iQIv
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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