前陣子，讀完鈴鈴卷的《真神轉生》，來跟大家分享一下心得。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgKVTfsRQAT
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整體來說，故事挺有趣的。會想看女主角又得到什麼外掛，跟陸哥之間會有怎樣的發展。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjABfnqo7rp
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對於新角色高瑞淵和松勇的設計也蠻讓人記憶深刻的（一個像是跟蹤狂，一個像是偏執狂）。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvO0a0tiIoV
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRlq3rHX0yV
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我覺得鈴鈴在設計人物上很有巧思。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB0CdgvjayC
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硬要說的話，本作的行文有時會不太流暢……句子與句子之間的邏輯關係有時會跳脫一下，不過這也只能靠臨摹和自我覺察來調整了。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2H3yzupJbN
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另外，在主線上可以更明確一點。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlISxADVu56
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442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyj9UQT5mcK
女主角要修練，就得有個理由，看是要加強生存，或者像現在這樣，準備救人。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1Pq0xA49a
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtyGnrBmnJ
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFIuLwWfrO
而在故事發展上，可以針對女主過去跟那個朋友之間，到底為何變得關係親密，那位友人對她來說是個怎樣的存在，往這方面描寫。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuSbZsjbbv8
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先用劇情（看是要回顧，還是在見面時鋪一下）刻劃了兩人的關係，然後再強化救人的點。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNF3M46VFu8
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpnAeXvncQ
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLw5iguKqYJ
而在過程中，女主角的能力想必不夠，這時再刻畫她怎麼變強。而在這之中，女主角有哪些改變。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡasI9K5sj70
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1T8WBeFgWp
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdvJL0yKAfM
根據我對女主角的理解，她不相信別人。那麼是不是後面的某個任務，或者在救人時有個重要環節需要團隊合作，需要相信其他隊友。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpVKZVR2nVS
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而女主角作出改變。她將部分擔子交到他人手上，然後專心面對眼前的敵人。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjuYnMLkYHz
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSB9Pm7PJ6
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡotWb0MeWg9
而這也使得她的能力、法力變更強，有所突破之類的。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOtMquIDV6
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YoFysc9dQ
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而關於第二個重要角色，陸哥。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSF5awcWfXh
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5ljfkI6w8
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目前給人的感覺是，他被捲入爭權奪利，並且正在尋找某個靈。同時，還被人施加了蠱毒。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ZP7HrhNp0
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可以在某一段更清楚描述他後面的打算、目標，以及面對他目前的情勢有什麼想法。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡetoqMZ1Mif
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYhYp5Y5lDG
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3bc7ncOGf
我似乎也沒看到陸哥想解毒ＸＤ 這中間感覺有什麼不對勁。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFCWlStyrF
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmejPlp5Alv
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9w0MPb7NtJ
另外，在他跟那條龍的互動上……雖然兩人無法直接互動。但或許龍可以用其他方式幫助他。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3wCnrP6R8W
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0NfNzsbCR3
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW2osWCHCdH
像是有敵人來的時候會感應到，或者有什麼其他協助陸哥的手段。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAgURkEMPwF
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442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhxYitGEw9T
總之，就是確立各個人物行動的主軸。有時光靠對話沒辦法補充到的，需要用說式寫法補充，強化人物的背景跟行動的連結。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDmf5HYj9oa
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換言之，就是動機、行動。需要好好表示出來。這樣會比較能讓人抓準這個人到底想幹嘛。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuuV5vseclQ
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而在出現許多登場人物的長篇故事裡，用說式鋪設人物背景和心境、行為動機，就是蠻重要的點。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMxhvQUGkk
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如果每個都要用演的，有時反而會演不清楚。需要掌握敘述跟演出的平衡。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxUHRi8QnW
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另外，稍微補充一點。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyG7t0sp3hf
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubk3StQhsv
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由於劇情稍顯散亂，可以將某一段劇情規劃為同一個篇章。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNRrL4Rn4iW
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（以下都我隨便舉的）442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpni9rDmATk
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例如：442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15HnIW2qGX
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ZanNlQWgt
〈軍校篇〉女主角的目標是隱藏身分，並修練到初始境界，然而，正當她準備渡劫時，身分卻忽然曝光，因此迎來戰鬥。
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt2TRi3xfb0
〈陸哥解咒篇〉不知什麼影響，陸哥的蠱毒忽然發作。同時，女主要跨越新境界，需要取出陸哥身上的毒蟲。恰好此時，女主聽聞到新的解蠱情報。為了逼出毒蟲，女主前往新的境地。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewd1KGfqVw
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〈皇位篇〉陸哥康復後，朝臣大為震驚。而支持他的貴族也變多。這時，跟陸哥競爭皇位的某皇子偷襲陸哥，女主抓到這名刺客後，逼問出他們打算藉著陸哥身上的神器（龍爺）來搜尋鳳靈的下落。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrnPRsSIju
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442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq23hdJ3FXc
傳聞中，同時得到龍靈和鳳靈的人可居皇位。在女主的逼問下，龍爺終於說出隱藏已久的情報，女主為了讓鳳靈強化自己的寶書，竟然願意幫助陸哥前往搜尋鳳靈。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrSXuHkenkG
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjVL8AP2gmh
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXWP5HdNVAY
像這樣子，讓每章的重點都扣在一個主題上，觀眾也比較懂這段在講什麼。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ12uIsl4Exj
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442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYcn6cPDgz
目前原作的走法，原以為會過上軍校生活，結果忽然開始得罪人，然後逃亡。其實會比較沒有記憶點，可以參考看看。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYjpS8FrLdU
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6oLl2Ip0OP
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo2SdKraems
上述的舉例，鈴鈴能發現，女主角跟陸哥都會有動機，以及行動。將這樣的主軸抓好，故事走向會明確很多。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcLzjEhxPM3
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO6ePXJWOlD
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzcBY6Eujag
當然，女主的功力要在哪個階段成長，都可以自行規劃。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7PbIPMr5m
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVI0dXAhWoC
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnYsMVnBC7
大概是這種感覺。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLSUfnuBn5
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQTCvVpCTt
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5ZwTmWVCY
有興趣的讀者歡迎讀讀看。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQHPI2euZJS
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442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrCNKwjWeGz
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