最近我將涼樹的《王座騎士》讀到最新,接下來會挑一些部分跟大家分享。417Please respect copyright.PENANAfeDRIXbEi4
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先從角色說起好了。417Please respect copyright.PENANAHI6RWo0V5f
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裡面我比較喜歡,而涼樹也比較認真刻劃的角色很明顯是親王殿下。417Please respect copyright.PENANAPGsBurIEdM
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明明身為親王,卻有著疑似暴露狂屬性,加上還會在危機時挺身而出,算是裡頭很用心經營的角色。同時,我很喜歡本篇章結束時,女主跟他的互動變化。417Please respect copyright.PENANAnDuzN8doXO
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但反過來說,其他角色就刻劃得很不明顯,也沒什麼記憶點。417Please respect copyright.PENANAI0sMUenCyX
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在劇情主線下,女主角幾乎沒什麼變化(除了本章最後跟親王的互動之外),這點是一大硬傷。417Please respect copyright.PENANA3sHDsBa8wN
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關於這點,第一篇章因為主角比較抑鬱,所以整篇都維持在這種氛圍之下,因此會比較勸退讀者。417Please respect copyright.PENANAFcoCtB0Qjs
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個人認為,本章的重點在於親王挺身而出,保護了御風,讓她稍微敞開心房,因此讓兩人關係改善。不過,在親王救御風時,這個御風的心境變化並未加強刻劃,因此會顯得有些突然,且沒抓到重點的感覺。417Please respect copyright.PENANAkO4S8HxJ1p
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另外,在劇情上,敵對的角色一下子就被撂倒,感覺御風只是稍微露個兩手,對方就招架不住,鋪陳許久,最後一下子就解決事件,有點少了什麼的感覺。417Please respect copyright.PENANAYqsdN1p55o
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我認為在貓貓這點很有巧思,不過在敵人塑造與劇情設計上,會因為敵人太弱而顯得張力不太足夠。417Please respect copyright.PENANAl5IM0Z3QpT
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而在女主角的設計上,真的感覺不出她是女生。給人的感覺就好像抑鬱的青年。417Please respect copyright.PENANA9vyiFQ9c59
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或許可以針對女主角本身可愛的地方多加描述或是設計,當然,她可以個性不好,可以抑鬱,但肯定也有弱點或是可愛的地方。這點真的非常重要。417Please respect copyright.PENANA5GTUXQjM7W
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親王在高貴的身分下,卻是個有著暴露傾向的青年,由於這點是個很大的反差,會讓人有記憶點。417Please respect copyright.PENANAIhRbRefMKd
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而女主角的設計也能從這個思路著手。她可能個性嚴謹,但在某個方面卻沒輒,或是有什麼古怪的堅持或癖好,都是可以發展的點。417Please respect copyright.PENANA23GbgXxv5d
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目前的刻劃下,她比較接近於一個空殼,稍微缺乏了人味。我是這麼認為的。當然,在送玫瑰花那段有所改變,多了點人味是好的。417Please respect copyright.PENANA8kEnEENJw8
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而在摯友角色方面也是,雖然從她跟親王的對戲,知道她其實想要保護御風,但在讀者看來,還是缺乏了什麼,因為也缺乏了她跟御風等人對戲的鋪陳、相處橋段。417Please respect copyright.PENANAibDtVbNKsP
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到下一次見面,他們已經是要託付和送禮,因此會顯得有些突然。讀者沒有跟上這股情緒。另外,當她遺失禮物時,也並未刻劃出焦急的感覺(當然可能是我漏看了),所以會顯得讀者帶入感不足。劇情卻逕自發展下來的感覺。417Please respect copyright.PENANAWdLRt2w8QS
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然後是世界觀呈現。417Please respect copyright.PENANAOic3syUtgU
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在介紹高塔時,我的印象是涼樹利用御風跟親王的對話,來帶出相關介紹。如果有記錯,我先說抱歉。417Please respect copyright.PENANAaRWXf0iPPF
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利用對話來帶出世界觀是動畫之中常見的鋪陳手法,雖然這個手法也能用,但這多半是用在主角視點不知道世界觀的情況下使用。417Please respect copyright.PENANAyv969QfNhm
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倘若主人翁知道這個世界的背景,直接用小說常見的敘述法帶出就可以了。這樣會顯得更加直接,也能顯的比較完整。417Please respect copyright.PENANAHdVcFXrA6R
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否則台詞一大堆,卻還是講不清楚,會顯得十分可惜。417Please respect copyright.PENANAtrjyn7pJ2m
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而目前的戰鬥,給人的感覺好像是,御風啟動身體的魔法。然後出招。就沒了的感覺。417Please respect copyright.PENANACOEjK2ZDbn
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倘若還不習慣寫戰鬥,可以先從特色著手。起碼把特色作出來。像是她出招時魔力會出現玫瑰的光、身體出現啥紋路,或者召喚出什麼幫助戰鬥的東東,先弄出個特別的東西。417Please respect copyright.PENANAlVenBNhRgw
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搞不好,還能跟貓貓連動,後面出個組合技。417Please respect copyright.PENANAQZhCrmHwev
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個人認為,倘若要增加整體的爽快感(除了戰鬥鏡頭之外),在劇情設計上可以些微調整。417Please respect copyright.PENANAtpZplI4nUj
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首先,女主角一開始嚴厲反對要成為親王的直屬騎士。理由可以自己想。以此創造劇情的衝突點。然而,儘管女主角不想成為直屬騎士,但在女王的要求下,依然妥協陪同親王出第一次任務。417Please respect copyright.PENANADeU3nXCjJz
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兩人關係超級不好,但是透過這次事件,他們拉近距離。417Please respect copyright.PENANA0CGtzC1OOs
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這樣劇情張力會更大。417Please respect copyright.PENANA4nTCAhyXJd
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而在跟朋友的對戲中,或許兩人曾經有了矛盾,但內心其實很擔心對方。我知道原作中有這類想法,但我覺得可以更加強描寫這點。417Please respect copyright.PENANAjznkGFNdBk
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接下來是行文。417Please respect copyright.PENANArDmgGqrj0K
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整體而言能知道涼樹想表達什麼。不過有些地方,主要是心境描述,有時會寫得繞來繞去,有時又會缺乏描寫。417Please respect copyright.PENANAEX3t2sFHfm
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所以可能還得再拿捏一下。417Please respect copyright.PENANApC8m1iUkpt
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不過,在高塔內設備面板、樓層的描述上十分清晰,這點我很喜歡。417Please respect copyright.PENANAVMzgg6JEw2
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所以整體而言。就是幾個要點。417Please respect copyright.PENANAZMo7oB3Aht
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第一,劇情設計上,可以多想想「變化」。從喜歡到不喜歡。從冷淡到熟悉,從結怨到寬恕。這樣的走法才能拉出劇情張力。417Please respect copyright.PENANAvIY3qSmIGX
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第二,角色方面,多利用反差,塑造人味。像是前面舉過親王的例子。女主角可以嚴謹,但或許可能在某個地方脫線,或者對戀愛很遲鈍之類的。其他角色也是按照這樣的邏輯設計。417Please respect copyright.PENANAh5W7I3383n
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第三,行文上,世界觀倘若是女主角知道的事情,直接敘述出來,或是對話提到時,用描述句補充就行了。不用刻意開一場戲來講世界觀。417Please respect copyright.PENANA3gEckvUCWW
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同時,在心境描寫上,要著重刻劃重點。特別是女主角應該要多講一點。417Please respect copyright.PENANAXSwy4U23JQ
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以上是我讀完第一篇章的看法。可以參考一下。
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下列為後面補記: 417Please respect copyright.PENANAyOTzDkNXJP
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當我讀到目前的更新,也就是最新的篇章後,我對這部作品老實說是充滿期待的。417Please respect copyright.PENANARszTGeJdDu
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在作品一開始,抑鬱、內向,對人不敞開內心的騎士御風,因為各個事件,她交到了朋友,有了能並肩同行的夥伴,以及跟過去的因緣達成和解。417Please respect copyright.PENANAksIKH8LMOR
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在劇情概念上,我認為涼樹想表達的,正是這種細膩,且不易描繪的情感。417Please respect copyright.PENANAIWvEzo85eM
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而這樣的目標亦是目前的我也無法達到的領域,因此在這方面,我對涼樹的理想和對於作品的堅持,懷抱一股敬意。417Please respect copyright.PENANAD0anLkopw5
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那麼,差不多是這樣。417Please respect copyright.PENANAwIsBUqR6TG
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有興趣的讀者,不妨試著讀一讀。417Please respect copyright.PENANAEqwPbf0Jo2
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penana.com/story/57690/王座騎士