幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
439Please respect copyright.PENANA8Ygo6w7ZUH
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAAJmFjHfRYn
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAiTDa8HtaTh
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
439Please respect copyright.PENANADS00QxBJGf
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAw6nsEzhaYk
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
439Please respect copyright.PENANANTldQipnTO
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAi45G0IwgRp
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。439Please respect copyright.PENANApz7wVXIWxx
439Please respect copyright.PENANAYsLTXDZiYD
439Please respect copyright.PENANA03KSSlaAFs
439Please respect copyright.PENANAUJa8kAKvBt
世界觀:439Please respect copyright.PENANAWak86Wrosn
439Please respect copyright.PENANANIbHD6f68C
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAuy1mVIDLbc
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAsEQmgIHnXZ
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAD4L3qOipq7
439Please respect copyright.PENANAA7DbYYmiqz
劇情細節的提醒:439Please respect copyright.PENANAgT5t3TDNJz
439Please respect copyright.PENANAnwRvwEj551
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:439Please respect copyright.PENANAKnpe1EW1ZY
439Please respect copyright.PENANAQAjQBRQmYF
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。439Please respect copyright.PENANAgTpfFw4Gsx
439Please respect copyright.PENANAIkmwwaa2ai
參考網站:439Please respect copyright.PENANAVcxfazJESC
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html439Please respect copyright.PENANArHiRXOc9o2
439Please respect copyright.PENANABQbQ5hZ9xQ
439Please respect copyright.PENANADiO2R4Vc6c
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。439Please respect copyright.PENANAhC7mQ19xGh
439Please respect copyright.PENANANu5XkQWjEl
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。439Please respect copyright.PENANA51auOs6p80
439Please respect copyright.PENANAtpzXjnYk8c
439Please respect copyright.PENANAG2V030G3DG
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。439Please respect copyright.PENANApWy1eqUcLR
439Please respect copyright.PENANAPBmljxlljk
439Please respect copyright.PENANALwlhUScLdD
角色:439Please respect copyright.PENANAW0haiKbLVH
439Please respect copyright.PENANA35kp0gPyjS
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:439Please respect copyright.PENANASvLSgVK3tF
439Please respect copyright.PENANAI6LSYsNhav
主角:俊明
439Please respect copyright.PENANA2KKBxwqX6f
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)439Please respect copyright.PENANA3XU9dqezTT
439Please respect copyright.PENANAtGJUy8vLYC
主角現狀:遭人排擠
439Please respect copyright.PENANAJ0d1tF9txj
奉翊:439Please respect copyright.PENANA2W8N2IzGBJ
不擅長飛行。439Please respect copyright.PENANAibfspMkOmi
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。439Please respect copyright.PENANAiXzqW9Nqe2
439Please respect copyright.PENANAP7JJOKP6GJ
439Please respect copyright.PENANAnXQiMbKjle
439Please respect copyright.PENANAuzxilE3eTC
對於角色整體的感想:439Please respect copyright.PENANAj4UAbn40Rf
439Please respect copyright.PENANAcxYzbGi9N9
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。439Please respect copyright.PENANARjHisF3EZP
439Please respect copyright.PENANAIOdeqDQENh
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。439Please respect copyright.PENANATe3G2tr5eg
439Please respect copyright.PENANAzN7qmUjBzd
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:439Please respect copyright.PENANA7B5ECfO4c2
439Please respect copyright.PENANA1QctUC8LCh
原作:439Please respect copyright.PENANAoAVuT8BXNz
439Please respect copyright.PENANAqQeceYoveY
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388439Please respect copyright.PENANAJOQeVnDw6F
439Please respect copyright.PENANAZl34s6KSP9
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)439Please respect copyright.PENANAC2z2TwTfIE
439Please respect copyright.PENANAUlc3qwdqlB
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):439Please respect copyright.PENANAaW8vPG8Zqk
439Please respect copyright.PENANA1kRncdlTJ6
調整後:439Please respect copyright.PENANAMi3MHqesss
439Please respect copyright.PENANABNKAxDfzw9
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。439Please respect copyright.PENANAY2VIQsNCzs
439Please respect copyright.PENANAd5p915JnrX
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。439Please respect copyright.PENANALhtQ583glC
439Please respect copyright.PENANAnbbeQXeslv
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。439Please respect copyright.PENANAAA0odur6ol
439Please respect copyright.PENANA50ZQJJwaJk
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」439Please respect copyright.PENANA7VijIBkJvY
439Please respect copyright.PENANA2R0W8l8bAv
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。439Please respect copyright.PENANAyxI1kI2E7O
439Please respect copyright.PENANA4UqBp0gkGc
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:439Please respect copyright.PENANAFYf0Y8D3AY
439Please respect copyright.PENANAusYynwmWh6
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」439Please respect copyright.PENANAh24sBdZX2Y
439Please respect copyright.PENANAz3eCpabRHK
查喀比茲?那是什麼?439Please respect copyright.PENANA9INHIENM2Z
439Please respect copyright.PENANApENpfGowqT
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:439Please respect copyright.PENANAZSf1BOa5sp
439Please respect copyright.PENANAIM2JWvSmVI
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」439Please respect copyright.PENANAa6oCF7GAn8
439Please respect copyright.PENANA9mVLwvbpUm
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。439Please respect copyright.PENANAs15oAudgfU
439Please respect copyright.PENANA62NaM1Tzs6
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」439Please respect copyright.PENANAreCwmHaRMp
439Please respect copyright.PENANAyiMrxyb2Xr
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。439Please respect copyright.PENANAqhgaz0wQcu
439Please respect copyright.PENANACUAXfwPtwP
他進一步解釋道:439Please respect copyright.PENANAnsfXL2Pz2H
439Please respect copyright.PENANABL3LRhIK7u
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」439Please respect copyright.PENANADI5Oca2hnB
439Please respect copyright.PENANA1ECR9BbDdK
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:439Please respect copyright.PENANAb8WosvM8nV
439Please respect copyright.PENANAfe0xCiU6XZ
「查詢,查喀比茲。」439Please respect copyright.PENANAEQAXnVr7L8
439Please respect copyright.PENANAjJDn9bdx0T
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。439Please respect copyright.PENANAPtu7IW5655
439Please respect copyright.PENANAhUpo4eEjrn
「──查無此項結果。」439Please respect copyright.PENANAALFr8j9xQt
439Please respect copyright.PENANAjuNSDdnyCB
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。439Please respect copyright.PENANAi74mup0tes
439Please respect copyright.PENANAa34GBRHwlv
「啊啊!」439Please respect copyright.PENANAthFEb0a3wL
439Please respect copyright.PENANAsD03LAtsym
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。439Please respect copyright.PENANARXHGpymDMs
439Please respect copyright.PENANAK343HezWDD
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」439Please respect copyright.PENANAGD92dwUAbS
439Please respect copyright.PENANAUAnVDJr7Ga
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:439Please respect copyright.PENANAoZCsWZZZB9
439Please respect copyright.PENANAgskZn5jD5p
查喀比茲。439Please respect copyright.PENANAUTbbf4dQQ6
439Please respect copyright.PENANAXhg7Dear70
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。439Please respect copyright.PENANAVmzpsf5daG
439Please respect copyright.PENANA4a8Ir7rauU
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。439Please respect copyright.PENANAfKsOlGbkqN
439Please respect copyright.PENANAbb3FttCkpl
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:439Please respect copyright.PENANA2LcM0ijBH1
439Please respect copyright.PENANAW8Wfc3eaiG
「你、你、你……該不會──」439Please respect copyright.PENANAx4Jox1dKQA
439Please respect copyright.PENANALIyAW3z4r4
「沒錯,我就是──」439Please respect copyright.PENANACfr8cgQzp5
439Please respect copyright.PENANALIEOUDcglY
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:439Please respect copyright.PENANAWZkAXqC8HV
439Please respect copyright.PENANAj7Ifzu5bO7
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」439Please respect copyright.PENANAvF0Blp3j3g
439Please respect copyright.PENANAr17yW6T9tn
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:439Please respect copyright.PENANAldWULyTouN
439Please respect copyright.PENANAUtA31MOgDC
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」439Please respect copyright.PENANAltGm7zNB3x
439Please respect copyright.PENANAyuDMZO2YDq
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。439Please respect copyright.PENANA1LGsjslaQe
439Please respect copyright.PENANAKzCuDbfVtO
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:439Please respect copyright.PENANAD6659hAMyr
439Please respect copyright.PENANAkU7VqHlauX
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」439Please respect copyright.PENANASzYJLnu8I2
439Please respect copyright.PENANA2Wiemdj9t4
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。439Please respect copyright.PENANAfZxwF8Spnp
439Please respect copyright.PENANA4F4YxYfwcm
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。439Please respect copyright.PENANAn4XTDkcYeo
439Please respect copyright.PENANAVW5Lmpn3Jr
主線劇情:439Please respect copyright.PENANACnQrL6tNF7
439Please respect copyright.PENANAn3SCG531WU
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。439Please respect copyright.PENANA64afRJ1bvu
439Please respect copyright.PENANAkQRBbzIlmL
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。439Please respect copyright.PENANAR7z3G9rWuf
439Please respect copyright.PENANAk1N8CT2OTI
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。439Please respect copyright.PENANAGRswB5DMZY
439Please respect copyright.PENANAB2XExYzZyf
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:439Please respect copyright.PENANAlpNnclAROG
439Please respect copyright.PENANAmk6IRov3Ho
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)439Please respect copyright.PENANAMeHCIGJbRi
439Please respect copyright.PENANAhLunXTpDth
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)439Please respect copyright.PENANAhDrpup4y2o
439Please respect copyright.PENANANplmnxhGcC
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)439Please respect copyright.PENANAQmaUlNXAfT
439Please respect copyright.PENANApplr5NY0W4
439Please respect copyright.PENANAljRVbBwW99
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。439Please respect copyright.PENANA0dGjAPebiW
439Please respect copyright.PENANAOEAszKE0b5
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:439Please respect copyright.PENANAG38YlvsiAy
439Please respect copyright.PENANAC0FM5AnxZN
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。439Please respect copyright.PENANAORBAofCPuh
439Please respect copyright.PENANAXJb9CIBNEH
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。439Please respect copyright.PENANAPQgNDCugPk
439Please respect copyright.PENANAUOfakJD1c9
那麼差不多是這樣。439Please respect copyright.PENANA8WSPWq9lbn
439Please respect copyright.PENANAWRXjoFktKt
439Please respect copyright.PENANAQ74W01bmTf
439Please respect copyright.PENANAWLGFxuGCPL
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。439Please respect copyright.PENANASnOxrpJnHZ
439Please respect copyright.PENANA8lQeCqYBtg
總之加油吧。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAAPDEqECAWt
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAb77TiXwqTo
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAcKx2EnvbDx
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
439Please respect copyright.PENANA0otEPVkf3l
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
439Please respect copyright.PENANAgQ6QaKCJaL
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。439Please respect copyright.PENANA0B2ShhzTtz
439Please respect copyright.PENANAUHDJMENzLm
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」439Please respect copyright.PENANA5r8ICrOEbB
439Please respect copyright.PENANAMI8PTOa2i8
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。439Please respect copyright.PENANASwV8uJfzHU
439Please respect copyright.PENANAp9ulUuI1Jq
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:439Please respect copyright.PENANAfGxtWmJay7
439Please respect copyright.PENANAtdElCcEjy7
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」439Please respect copyright.PENANAYSfkj7odv5
439Please respect copyright.PENANAGxCR2YcpnU
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
439Please respect copyright.PENANA5edgi7vGzZ
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAfHgji6OXFt
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
439Please respect copyright.PENANAQowKs2NLL6
主角:俊明439Please respect copyright.PENANAXI1rTvckAp
439Please respect copyright.PENANANtngz8cMRq
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)439Please respect copyright.PENANA1uSJbwHnHg
439Please respect copyright.PENANARsrclGbGFS
439Please respect copyright.PENANA4Pp38Fas7B
主角現狀:遭人排擠439Please respect copyright.PENANA8ep41KCWkR
439Please respect copyright.PENANAtURSpAJb6e
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAqXBDLKAqwp
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。439Please respect copyright.PENANATONUMCqTHn
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
439Please respect copyright.PENANAVrUobqsVJj
或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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