幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
479Please respect copyright.PENANATKnEeSXJ6S
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
479Please respect copyright.PENANAma4hwNHUOm
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
479Please respect copyright.PENANAW1D8ZwsC3z
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
479Please respect copyright.PENANABB0v2FExA1
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
479Please respect copyright.PENANAx5pnyIG2qC
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
479Please respect copyright.PENANAEg85RuWpJM
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
479Please respect copyright.PENANAeqKyCJtjWZ
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。479Please respect copyright.PENANAKxhtUpwzgA
479Please respect copyright.PENANAYDG9mYOnqn
479Please respect copyright.PENANAvfMQTgIQyQ
479Please respect copyright.PENANAkRATbxdjXi
世界觀:479Please respect copyright.PENANAFsrZ8L7euT
479Please respect copyright.PENANAhd7NC2pAJg
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
479Please respect copyright.PENANAADPE3A8svB
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
479Please respect copyright.PENANA0vzhfvJNn2
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
479Please respect copyright.PENANA22mXObcWuR
479Please respect copyright.PENANAR8FrpIwVhV
劇情細節的提醒:479Please respect copyright.PENANAYl29uFVBJr
479Please respect copyright.PENANAKNY8X1tLM4
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:479Please respect copyright.PENANAN3yWOjSo0b
479Please respect copyright.PENANA5IhbOQ5g28
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。479Please respect copyright.PENANAcoQIGBM7HL
479Please respect copyright.PENANAzJgkDiwS01
參考網站:479Please respect copyright.PENANAfUEPjciGbd
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html479Please respect copyright.PENANAILIUKWMwDV
479Please respect copyright.PENANAG1yDQHa70X
479Please respect copyright.PENANApRczct58v1
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。479Please respect copyright.PENANAyNvmDlXJ92
479Please respect copyright.PENANAjjhptwMPL6
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。479Please respect copyright.PENANAs0BaIPdmiT
479Please respect copyright.PENANAPfvInuC0Od
479Please respect copyright.PENANAC0leXeapFw
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。479Please respect copyright.PENANAB8wxJll3Zu
479Please respect copyright.PENANAYjUt8xsjTT
479Please respect copyright.PENANA1gMfenB6CI
角色:479Please respect copyright.PENANAda0f3fLVaz
479Please respect copyright.PENANAakJW3YLnNL
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:479Please respect copyright.PENANApGrjsnG1ia
479Please respect copyright.PENANAnD0b5IxCsv
主角:俊明
479Please respect copyright.PENANA4cNKKedywN
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)479Please respect copyright.PENANA43CAaXf8dH
479Please respect copyright.PENANAtJUmib1WTm
主角現狀:遭人排擠
479Please respect copyright.PENANAlXbhgxBEba
奉翊:479Please respect copyright.PENANADW65ExX86W
不擅長飛行。479Please respect copyright.PENANARnZjzRFXyG
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。479Please respect copyright.PENANAJD8STg4z75
479Please respect copyright.PENANAqcNlrJ3uNw
479Please respect copyright.PENANAUE9yqyWEdr
479Please respect copyright.PENANAoRQnyYtv8y
對於角色整體的感想:479Please respect copyright.PENANAUCvHZIBaIQ
479Please respect copyright.PENANAg13rNxPqHL
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。479Please respect copyright.PENANAIhlMVThi7X
479Please respect copyright.PENANA8PZiAEhwQe
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。479Please respect copyright.PENANAB2P84BSNUU
479Please respect copyright.PENANAeQ5CkdhrfV
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:479Please respect copyright.PENANAjOjfDyT0c1
479Please respect copyright.PENANA6fAgkVefuC
原作:479Please respect copyright.PENANAdFFrHPKBtr
479Please respect copyright.PENANATjmEfGCUwX
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388479Please respect copyright.PENANAzK41IE62Ai
479Please respect copyright.PENANAFwo2SGAhKf
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)479Please respect copyright.PENANApIZIDgoLQD
479Please respect copyright.PENANAH1gflBBL3W
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):479Please respect copyright.PENANAi21TZnvCxH
479Please respect copyright.PENANAKiEBChEiV7
調整後:479Please respect copyright.PENANApoGaEh5bxv
479Please respect copyright.PENANAlcd12e3jJo
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。479Please respect copyright.PENANAQO0MQ7JwLO
479Please respect copyright.PENANAyI1xYF7WhK
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。479Please respect copyright.PENANAGfjmbNZtSP
479Please respect copyright.PENANARHd1qEiQ4Z
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。479Please respect copyright.PENANAdjKqeAISzM
479Please respect copyright.PENANA0H1sqFAsIa
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」479Please respect copyright.PENANAa5MFnbltwU
479Please respect copyright.PENANA4JaFzTpU8J
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。479Please respect copyright.PENANAOdnVH3I6V3
479Please respect copyright.PENANAk6rXKSE96c
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:479Please respect copyright.PENANAaXkEF39bXe
479Please respect copyright.PENANAJbPWRIO7ul
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」479Please respect copyright.PENANAwHAEn32XYz
479Please respect copyright.PENANAdkCU6EbqLd
查喀比茲?那是什麼?479Please respect copyright.PENANAPKJw1A4Oou
479Please respect copyright.PENANA98rkThiiCE
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:479Please respect copyright.PENANADtW0IKE2FA
479Please respect copyright.PENANAR7h59Vhv3l
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」479Please respect copyright.PENANAIzgILqXBsA
479Please respect copyright.PENANAokwi3moKNV
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。479Please respect copyright.PENANA4EXuucIIwZ
479Please respect copyright.PENANAt8ObWHX68p
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」479Please respect copyright.PENANA3M9JHQC6Dx
479Please respect copyright.PENANA6FW94tBHS4
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。479Please respect copyright.PENANACzrwaOzNPG
479Please respect copyright.PENANAQTPfU6HpvB
他進一步解釋道:479Please respect copyright.PENANAxHhn9PBplP
479Please respect copyright.PENANACw5w2vDqgE
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」479Please respect copyright.PENANAK7SkfqxIAC
479Please respect copyright.PENANAjMVNAey0gw
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:479Please respect copyright.PENANAlADfN2JdhX
479Please respect copyright.PENANABM1IqoOHl3
「查詢,查喀比茲。」479Please respect copyright.PENANAmsM7biIupe
479Please respect copyright.PENANARvCav0zPBb
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。479Please respect copyright.PENANAcC3s4DpPZo
479Please respect copyright.PENANAv5tUZTE5Fc
「──查無此項結果。」479Please respect copyright.PENANAcxcBZX1yRc
479Please respect copyright.PENANA7PXhQz8NTe
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。479Please respect copyright.PENANAHBF7ZEmV7H
479Please respect copyright.PENANAlKbGqdaq9X
「啊啊!」479Please respect copyright.PENANAc9U10mnxRm
479Please respect copyright.PENANAT3BnBy3Pwe
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。479Please respect copyright.PENANANQGvCWhLUI
479Please respect copyright.PENANARbkdeI7fpJ
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」479Please respect copyright.PENANAmVAMZCqnka
479Please respect copyright.PENANAPff8C6Z5EC
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:479Please respect copyright.PENANA9Gwjoye2pS
479Please respect copyright.PENANAFcdFguwEnN
查喀比茲。479Please respect copyright.PENANA3BqSVk2XE7
479Please respect copyright.PENANAAZFDFAUYPH
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。479Please respect copyright.PENANAMlemqwJa24
479Please respect copyright.PENANA1CyhEUCgPJ
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。479Please respect copyright.PENANAQ0G4qnMKBe
479Please respect copyright.PENANAkLoiaxy0ur
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:479Please respect copyright.PENANAnlnz8WxeSz
479Please respect copyright.PENANAqQtAMo660d
「你、你、你……該不會──」479Please respect copyright.PENANApTEEmMTfXA
479Please respect copyright.PENANAnh4PzgxmMp
「沒錯,我就是──」479Please respect copyright.PENANAcK62vG3RNS
479Please respect copyright.PENANAny3T00Mi6h
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:479Please respect copyright.PENANAemtd4CE6HR
479Please respect copyright.PENANAs9aSjubLqQ
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」479Please respect copyright.PENANA1RWieB7TpR
479Please respect copyright.PENANArxOH7oVT9L
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:479Please respect copyright.PENANA3xAQO2RFFT
479Please respect copyright.PENANA2t9hkHgNKD
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」479Please respect copyright.PENANAtdshZhj8TK
479Please respect copyright.PENANAxTBYNxcaog
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。479Please respect copyright.PENANAgqgJdyQQRB
479Please respect copyright.PENANAYIUMwFDLex
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:479Please respect copyright.PENANAiHAi4lno0P
479Please respect copyright.PENANAkmFPBzG1Eu
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」479Please respect copyright.PENANAYlNJCb3FEW
479Please respect copyright.PENANAQ9y0EndLaO
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。479Please respect copyright.PENANATzFxP7lVgc
479Please respect copyright.PENANAIGWixX4aDZ
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。479Please respect copyright.PENANAezxxjjTjt8
479Please respect copyright.PENANAwr93puYFJc
主線劇情:479Please respect copyright.PENANAwYSVnQrcd7
479Please respect copyright.PENANAjWgwMhRdKV
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。479Please respect copyright.PENANAS0Di4PhlLh
479Please respect copyright.PENANAMmsSDvvsJJ
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。479Please respect copyright.PENANAGAP6qNk9ah
479Please respect copyright.PENANAXK4hP2uLEx
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。479Please respect copyright.PENANAPepQiS3Awc
479Please respect copyright.PENANARyNBHq71bb
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:479Please respect copyright.PENANANex1fsu55C
479Please respect copyright.PENANA99CouKQqnh
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)479Please respect copyright.PENANA14SghQJ2yj
479Please respect copyright.PENANApMVmX0DjYA
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)479Please respect copyright.PENANAM21EFaDzvT
479Please respect copyright.PENANAml3l0uo12b
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)479Please respect copyright.PENANAQs8e1kOV2a
479Please respect copyright.PENANAFbUfHloC7o
479Please respect copyright.PENANAy4p2ncgwRU
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。479Please respect copyright.PENANAIkpWPCWWS9
479Please respect copyright.PENANACO1BjcCS9d
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:479Please respect copyright.PENANADkDGuKNunC
479Please respect copyright.PENANAlpDrP5NvTo
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。479Please respect copyright.PENANAbx3gbH2ExP
479Please respect copyright.PENANAfk0XxigKl2
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。479Please respect copyright.PENANAcQTksPiBdI
479Please respect copyright.PENANAnINNBo75jf
那麼差不多是這樣。479Please respect copyright.PENANA4y0vLUXICL
479Please respect copyright.PENANA030th9h5Hu
479Please respect copyright.PENANAAZmm2MKVPE
479Please respect copyright.PENANAl1jt2mkRHn
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。479Please respect copyright.PENANAw1hoJONb8o
479Please respect copyright.PENANA1OmlF539YH
總之加油吧。
479Please respect copyright.PENANAo8TFGrHSEX
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
479Please respect copyright.PENANAuYC9VP0wwL
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
479Please respect copyright.PENANA5upUXefT6o
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
479Please respect copyright.PENANAOU4Jm82tQl
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
479Please respect copyright.PENANAuWz20i22qD
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。479Please respect copyright.PENANAPZGCiRR2z2
479Please respect copyright.PENANA4xhZ5YtYvp
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」479Please respect copyright.PENANAzVARuDQ65Q
479Please respect copyright.PENANArM179EcJr5
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。479Please respect copyright.PENANAdRLj6OIN97
479Please respect copyright.PENANAPUGd5j2Lvd
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:479Please respect copyright.PENANAtrp5ozNfmM
479Please respect copyright.PENANARp7Dj1NRsY
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」479Please respect copyright.PENANA9jxVnKctX6
479Please respect copyright.PENANA4XP5znh2HA
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
479Please respect copyright.PENANAafbEknY8lo
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
479Please respect copyright.PENANAylXZ7gBORD
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
479Please respect copyright.PENANAugH6BWa5yd
主角:俊明479Please respect copyright.PENANACD8m9swagY
479Please respect copyright.PENANArA5Ur4bStw
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)479Please respect copyright.PENANAKxwvQn8yRO
479Please respect copyright.PENANAp06VDkuxrQ
479Please respect copyright.PENANAuv5Fox0RUy
主角現狀:遭人排擠479Please respect copyright.PENANAHJVkyuQhkp
479Please respect copyright.PENANAmP4UkeAOE4
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
479Please respect copyright.PENANAdp38RKaHkz
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。479Please respect copyright.PENANAx07X55pIbw
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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