幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
423Please respect copyright.PENANANQ0EzcNBKS
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
423Please respect copyright.PENANA4f5xjvUjEg
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
423Please respect copyright.PENANAX5loXMNWlA
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
423Please respect copyright.PENANA0BBGIh19CZ
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
423Please respect copyright.PENANABGq5Fho5S3
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
423Please respect copyright.PENANAdIa3koZ2UT
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
423Please respect copyright.PENANAQNqyaUoAva
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。423Please respect copyright.PENANAc0A5kKMoEJ
423Please respect copyright.PENANADXVCypzoRe
423Please respect copyright.PENANAOnTO7bYxg4
423Please respect copyright.PENANAqZG7MyGSXO
世界觀:423Please respect copyright.PENANA0qYbS45VvX
423Please respect copyright.PENANAIZOQr1yU0C
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
423Please respect copyright.PENANAKuRlVclD8F
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
423Please respect copyright.PENANA2Gtz393vGY
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
423Please respect copyright.PENANAEkx6I1zKRN
423Please respect copyright.PENANAmJZM0ih30s
劇情細節的提醒:423Please respect copyright.PENANAjQXvashlip
423Please respect copyright.PENANAQjdITzA3qj
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:423Please respect copyright.PENANANzUaIQdeL8
423Please respect copyright.PENANAM0rC30XAvw
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。423Please respect copyright.PENANAw2mXat4XMm
423Please respect copyright.PENANA46g0RcSrW7
參考網站:423Please respect copyright.PENANAXx5Gmk3ndm
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html423Please respect copyright.PENANAwQEcJW4tD5
423Please respect copyright.PENANAV6k6q69Chv
423Please respect copyright.PENANAGQxvHphAqb
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。423Please respect copyright.PENANAqHiulAJat3
423Please respect copyright.PENANA6oC9PMZK7B
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。423Please respect copyright.PENANANR5VY55nkC
423Please respect copyright.PENANAH5jH6KILTj
423Please respect copyright.PENANAGW6lGGVtck
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。423Please respect copyright.PENANAzvpX3VhC2J
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角色:423Please respect copyright.PENANAh2oPdJvd5g
423Please respect copyright.PENANAGAzAFK2K8g
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:423Please respect copyright.PENANA8GUcZi40MZ
423Please respect copyright.PENANAi1w4MYW2ZL
主角:俊明
423Please respect copyright.PENANAeoofxDAPxU
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)423Please respect copyright.PENANAVnuH3vp3xA
423Please respect copyright.PENANAcuD30R65ub
主角現狀:遭人排擠
423Please respect copyright.PENANAH4cvSJXOoq
奉翊:423Please respect copyright.PENANAm4vADOZOYT
不擅長飛行。423Please respect copyright.PENANAQRWM4g4q05
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。423Please respect copyright.PENANAPONr5aj5nT
423Please respect copyright.PENANAlwl1Azt6of
423Please respect copyright.PENANAAOtnfczNid
423Please respect copyright.PENANAIhH3yeQEcj
對於角色整體的感想:423Please respect copyright.PENANA4vf36IsPwZ
423Please respect copyright.PENANAgqVsDeAaGQ
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。423Please respect copyright.PENANAOQhce81om5
423Please respect copyright.PENANAYpi6RxqJfu
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。423Please respect copyright.PENANADbATGO1DHn
423Please respect copyright.PENANAX0SVXJFKUg
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:423Please respect copyright.PENANAnaNpa9KWwR
423Please respect copyright.PENANAc3vdHYGYSF
原作:423Please respect copyright.PENANATTzdyD6WG7
423Please respect copyright.PENANAvqTG05Qnie
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388423Please respect copyright.PENANAMuYn2a4Ujd
423Please respect copyright.PENANA1Odn6aeQQ4
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)423Please respect copyright.PENANADAWXvgQQ7b
423Please respect copyright.PENANAz1ahTUSc8G
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):423Please respect copyright.PENANAB4yt948BYQ
423Please respect copyright.PENANA24lql1aqqP
調整後:423Please respect copyright.PENANA9iJsEIGKFp
423Please respect copyright.PENANAF1sA9koWtY
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。423Please respect copyright.PENANAHCMVEw7Lm2
423Please respect copyright.PENANAbUyHv9hlwF
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。423Please respect copyright.PENANAu2Wei1DtmE
423Please respect copyright.PENANA27cFZBYfhB
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。423Please respect copyright.PENANArtLk11P8FV
423Please respect copyright.PENANA0UUXj29ms9
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」423Please respect copyright.PENANAfEbROlDHLz
423Please respect copyright.PENANAv64npdSz7P
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。423Please respect copyright.PENANArdZNqGnPnK
423Please respect copyright.PENANARSpWq9bbpG
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:423Please respect copyright.PENANAllMbrAX7oN
423Please respect copyright.PENANAjE8j3t2E4l
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」423Please respect copyright.PENANAmv80yadm4W
423Please respect copyright.PENANA5DXQw1n0oV
查喀比茲?那是什麼?423Please respect copyright.PENANAXgGLS8apex
423Please respect copyright.PENANArHgk2qaSBy
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:423Please respect copyright.PENANARKuVzRp205
423Please respect copyright.PENANAms4aHJDSio
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」423Please respect copyright.PENANAQom5AFZOFO
423Please respect copyright.PENANAyKSMg1kbsf
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。423Please respect copyright.PENANAsnpi5C8TE2
423Please respect copyright.PENANAGvTm1dDMWP
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」423Please respect copyright.PENANAW7b7zLPbne
423Please respect copyright.PENANAcbXnUjciYN
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。423Please respect copyright.PENANAzKBKOh2OtF
423Please respect copyright.PENANAhlAhzz8Cdc
他進一步解釋道:423Please respect copyright.PENANAytdgncbe3I
423Please respect copyright.PENANAPff4XtqgKa
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」423Please respect copyright.PENANABSnRXR1xgp
423Please respect copyright.PENANAGXTiWRGyBr
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:423Please respect copyright.PENANAX4FOv89V2D
423Please respect copyright.PENANAYLL45u1Kcj
「查詢,查喀比茲。」423Please respect copyright.PENANAqIwSOsD4hh
423Please respect copyright.PENANAGujnCRcu3E
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。423Please respect copyright.PENANAEbhmP9WBcI
423Please respect copyright.PENANAGKQyW2bIjG
「──查無此項結果。」423Please respect copyright.PENANA5hGwErBAW4
423Please respect copyright.PENANAAkNE4YL2uM
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。423Please respect copyright.PENANAOEq1RXx1QC
423Please respect copyright.PENANALwvDLUyFZC
「啊啊!」423Please respect copyright.PENANA8A4UgATR4l
423Please respect copyright.PENANATXh0IAjPjC
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。423Please respect copyright.PENANA9mdtV8yCfz
423Please respect copyright.PENANA7xrORqbq3M
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」423Please respect copyright.PENANAlviEOp72HE
423Please respect copyright.PENANAw9DChd7ydu
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:423Please respect copyright.PENANAr7zMiBwtwT
423Please respect copyright.PENANACx7TSSr6jE
查喀比茲。423Please respect copyright.PENANAW5htWb8Tdg
423Please respect copyright.PENANAWoLRHM1xNl
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。423Please respect copyright.PENANA8ozuNGMziI
423Please respect copyright.PENANAFkwhINt6CN
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。423Please respect copyright.PENANAeyIlKdIuna
423Please respect copyright.PENANASbXaoit9Ow
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:423Please respect copyright.PENANAtVEmo7fLL5
423Please respect copyright.PENANAOiOPmv1iU2
「你、你、你……該不會──」423Please respect copyright.PENANAmXIYrWzbUf
423Please respect copyright.PENANAA2GerukOB9
「沒錯,我就是──」423Please respect copyright.PENANAZhNQq5jXfO
423Please respect copyright.PENANA6D33HTNcRb
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:423Please respect copyright.PENANAzTfjVZIp6C
423Please respect copyright.PENANAU452eSDcRm
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」423Please respect copyright.PENANAFJyoS16G0d
423Please respect copyright.PENANAObOHGzQr9t
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:423Please respect copyright.PENANA9d27yRHyV0
423Please respect copyright.PENANAbJbBIUmaYa
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」423Please respect copyright.PENANAlaiXhfCxz0
423Please respect copyright.PENANAp2DG12xvK2
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。423Please respect copyright.PENANAaW4WiQgxe6
423Please respect copyright.PENANAf7aZOXbSBA
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:423Please respect copyright.PENANA2IzrbUeWNi
423Please respect copyright.PENANAqoMERjnx0E
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」423Please respect copyright.PENANA2lM5Vnsswy
423Please respect copyright.PENANACEMvBhxH3o
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。423Please respect copyright.PENANAOXbbsLu5vB
423Please respect copyright.PENANANq4MuBXb6u
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。423Please respect copyright.PENANAD6EeH3HpeR
423Please respect copyright.PENANA7j0Ugpu6HZ
主線劇情:423Please respect copyright.PENANAgl6PynvAiR
423Please respect copyright.PENANAnYvtpixo5z
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。423Please respect copyright.PENANAoRo6HZ8EYR
423Please respect copyright.PENANAxsC2yBhF8Q
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。423Please respect copyright.PENANArJD6iZ2emq
423Please respect copyright.PENANAz1HSiofyeq
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。423Please respect copyright.PENANAQvXQAnrNR5
423Please respect copyright.PENANAZnP5XCazVO
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:423Please respect copyright.PENANAdGdsQodx1n
423Please respect copyright.PENANAl1eqXMsGPu
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)423Please respect copyright.PENANA4RwZTCfZDF
423Please respect copyright.PENANAQHJ9VRyvs1
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)423Please respect copyright.PENANAndcQ3eQCL5
423Please respect copyright.PENANAwiUG2rFOIe
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)423Please respect copyright.PENANAoza9hoN1FG
423Please respect copyright.PENANA6CqrBDNoo9
423Please respect copyright.PENANAhkseStBVQO
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。423Please respect copyright.PENANAs8GUxW9Kvc
423Please respect copyright.PENANAVmXxIx1JlT
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:423Please respect copyright.PENANA4whvTAOglA
423Please respect copyright.PENANAqmKFbziMLf
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。423Please respect copyright.PENANAIHNyWNCKYp
423Please respect copyright.PENANANUEtcfbmxW
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。423Please respect copyright.PENANApmMc0mStxF
423Please respect copyright.PENANAKcFAGzqE09
那麼差不多是這樣。423Please respect copyright.PENANAs71OuVAxra
423Please respect copyright.PENANAc18OHrSNRl
423Please respect copyright.PENANAAvuWRXQx1l
423Please respect copyright.PENANACdhPIxWEwk
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。423Please respect copyright.PENANABiop5Lt2Fk
423Please respect copyright.PENANARj3v0dQc6V
總之加油吧。
423Please respect copyright.PENANAFPTD06L4FB
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
423Please respect copyright.PENANAs6QGOxoHeT
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
423Please respect copyright.PENANA84Sw0MnO5k
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
423Please respect copyright.PENANAuSE0j1LPUU
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
423Please respect copyright.PENANASLF4ZgBGcU
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。423Please respect copyright.PENANAn31746AmD3
423Please respect copyright.PENANAnm9VcHnnY5
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」423Please respect copyright.PENANAN92X3Ii0mO
423Please respect copyright.PENANADyRnl6VsaG
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。423Please respect copyright.PENANARTSAtHtISL
423Please respect copyright.PENANA7D6Ms3UZx4
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:423Please respect copyright.PENANAMKK6TEO19a
423Please respect copyright.PENANATeergUBQNp
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」423Please respect copyright.PENANA7Xpbai8pmo
423Please respect copyright.PENANAJDEI4dGR2Y
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
423Please respect copyright.PENANAFAgzBRQ0zu
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
423Please respect copyright.PENANAqLNLmyMuHA
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
423Please respect copyright.PENANADRt5NOhVVd
主角:俊明423Please respect copyright.PENANAV44IsHEYhN
423Please respect copyright.PENANAJHrNZrn3FR
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)423Please respect copyright.PENANAlB65lj5Fcd
423Please respect copyright.PENANAMVZEOCMSaw
423Please respect copyright.PENANAH8GCxoxwG3
主角現狀:遭人排擠423Please respect copyright.PENANA6spKFDigle
423Please respect copyright.PENANAb24ZIIfCSk
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。423Please respect copyright.PENANAKBAtICKleY
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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