幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
399Please respect copyright.PENANA6Gszx0Jah0
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
399Please respect copyright.PENANA2gFjU2Aq8X
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
399Please respect copyright.PENANAtsohtSow3N
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
399Please respect copyright.PENANAT7rh72NUpT
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
399Please respect copyright.PENANAbEDwPhxySe
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
399Please respect copyright.PENANA7fO3t6cspI
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
399Please respect copyright.PENANAjs1s9BXquW
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。399Please respect copyright.PENANAdGFMqMOPvf
399Please respect copyright.PENANAxCtUT0QRcS
399Please respect copyright.PENANAVFEyHb4caR
399Please respect copyright.PENANAyjLV6deW0q
世界觀:399Please respect copyright.PENANA9g4aeNtIUF
399Please respect copyright.PENANArxR0mnzkOq
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
399Please respect copyright.PENANAl1jztVzDdf
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
399Please respect copyright.PENANAUAXxuKw9er
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
399Please respect copyright.PENANA469x9y65P0
399Please respect copyright.PENANA3jfrnINnGO
劇情細節的提醒:399Please respect copyright.PENANA6AzMvLZChG
399Please respect copyright.PENANAW3ij0b72vy
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:399Please respect copyright.PENANAlEn7JAOQ5s
399Please respect copyright.PENANAkOJjlgYVGT
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。399Please respect copyright.PENANA0rld6RQObW
399Please respect copyright.PENANAGCtmSDDnO0
參考網站:399Please respect copyright.PENANAFrHBxzpP36
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html399Please respect copyright.PENANAHrDS7YZiOA
399Please respect copyright.PENANAhDJN90MdTR
399Please respect copyright.PENANAm7DrIfl6vX
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。399Please respect copyright.PENANAJVFtoQ79Am
399Please respect copyright.PENANAvmiH5GI0Sf
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。399Please respect copyright.PENANAebGLfzUCdV
399Please respect copyright.PENANAo7jT9LGq08
399Please respect copyright.PENANA52DsHQLEb7
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。399Please respect copyright.PENANAUtYZM6h8oj
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399Please respect copyright.PENANAeDqWHBwkkt
角色:399Please respect copyright.PENANADWq8gJ1jaB
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:399Please respect copyright.PENANAPXy9f4Xo6a
399Please respect copyright.PENANAW8yRk1akdm
主角:俊明
399Please respect copyright.PENANANJgN0LjQgy
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)399Please respect copyright.PENANAaTS1jMzIeU
399Please respect copyright.PENANASeRcwKQr6Z
主角現狀:遭人排擠
399Please respect copyright.PENANAshwOnfng4N
奉翊:399Please respect copyright.PENANAcD4EIDWjD8
不擅長飛行。399Please respect copyright.PENANAH3tKxWLjvk
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。399Please respect copyright.PENANAYrJbeBH4HY
399Please respect copyright.PENANAXxlz2TIBJ4
399Please respect copyright.PENANAZB80phmaCd
399Please respect copyright.PENANADcEFPHwM3G
對於角色整體的感想:399Please respect copyright.PENANAtpqIqJRpRw
399Please respect copyright.PENANAVGeKMKBVwt
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。399Please respect copyright.PENANANUws2pVd0u
399Please respect copyright.PENANAguMij89LWk
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。399Please respect copyright.PENANA3naL8dkTlP
399Please respect copyright.PENANAQzT8jrzUNA
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:399Please respect copyright.PENANAnV2jHpKzCE
399Please respect copyright.PENANAec5UvM37Bo
原作:399Please respect copyright.PENANAjoItfZ9j85
399Please respect copyright.PENANA9s8ChIur9Y
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388399Please respect copyright.PENANAKIxzZOLbGN
399Please respect copyright.PENANAuTUEfRiJQV
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)399Please respect copyright.PENANA6rLXKvqC9D
399Please respect copyright.PENANAs0M3vd3cMs
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):399Please respect copyright.PENANArSpIf02DDC
399Please respect copyright.PENANANLwAjRfiou
調整後:399Please respect copyright.PENANAeKKURBopJ6
399Please respect copyright.PENANArQFH850voE
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。399Please respect copyright.PENANAigvUQ0bRO2
399Please respect copyright.PENANAd45dZB0L7Y
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。399Please respect copyright.PENANAtXULGIjc29
399Please respect copyright.PENANAHXKnTJJStd
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。399Please respect copyright.PENANAcAZSbe41u7
399Please respect copyright.PENANAdWFWCAA5df
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」399Please respect copyright.PENANAS3d1wn57xS
399Please respect copyright.PENANA6QFqXULs6j
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。399Please respect copyright.PENANAxKlJLwSCrn
399Please respect copyright.PENANAk1WP30uiHx
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:399Please respect copyright.PENANAPqe94kScil
399Please respect copyright.PENANAlHZA2QKk2U
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」399Please respect copyright.PENANALbyjIUVDJu
399Please respect copyright.PENANAqrKtzyWHqL
查喀比茲?那是什麼?399Please respect copyright.PENANAOB5zxb96CZ
399Please respect copyright.PENANA5pdV3FPe8P
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:399Please respect copyright.PENANAnXUCAeCram
399Please respect copyright.PENANAv85lGRaA0y
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」399Please respect copyright.PENANAq0P7KJPByE
399Please respect copyright.PENANAbmQ2svO61R
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。399Please respect copyright.PENANA3P4AOTAWFh
399Please respect copyright.PENANA2oVnrzxPwc
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」399Please respect copyright.PENANAdjelTyLuvi
399Please respect copyright.PENANAqrFtITDvLT
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。399Please respect copyright.PENANAvPTo7ckm7O
399Please respect copyright.PENANAy4stvxp8LX
他進一步解釋道:399Please respect copyright.PENANAuFUtF1L1eZ
399Please respect copyright.PENANACYfF8hcjQf
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」399Please respect copyright.PENANALwqZoklqiG
399Please respect copyright.PENANAXkUPK5GLhr
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:399Please respect copyright.PENANALDX0K13ZOf
399Please respect copyright.PENANAyPsi3uh95o
「查詢,查喀比茲。」399Please respect copyright.PENANAgVPVD4ZeZL
399Please respect copyright.PENANASXkx7PKat9
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。399Please respect copyright.PENANATRamGFlkAP
399Please respect copyright.PENANAIvB72UlvV6
「──查無此項結果。」399Please respect copyright.PENANAsrmGcCwNrN
399Please respect copyright.PENANAbIIlF11l43
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。399Please respect copyright.PENANAXowPOZl9hK
399Please respect copyright.PENANAykieK5RsNd
「啊啊!」399Please respect copyright.PENANAbJxfP9ng2Y
399Please respect copyright.PENANAVM4KKfxkB0
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。399Please respect copyright.PENANAz33T6avTma
399Please respect copyright.PENANArFKOSfyU6s
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」399Please respect copyright.PENANASIv7ga48Lk
399Please respect copyright.PENANA2yyIcFhrNr
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:399Please respect copyright.PENANAD3nthsMetr
399Please respect copyright.PENANAHBGygqeBPT
查喀比茲。399Please respect copyright.PENANAy7CeEdRMfF
399Please respect copyright.PENANAZEkqzLjQCp
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。399Please respect copyright.PENANA4OBLJrUKTo
399Please respect copyright.PENANAwHS3zhw4dc
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。399Please respect copyright.PENANAGwmYu4wqvQ
399Please respect copyright.PENANA8vqqbWAdVx
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:399Please respect copyright.PENANAExQNzhgzWn
399Please respect copyright.PENANAYLXlAr5eHw
「你、你、你……該不會──」399Please respect copyright.PENANApuCV01smsj
399Please respect copyright.PENANAzwb6pstQM9
「沒錯,我就是──」399Please respect copyright.PENANAbjR4u1CBZN
399Please respect copyright.PENANAzSF77brPqw
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:399Please respect copyright.PENANAex1msT9eJm
399Please respect copyright.PENANAMFSigTKqBJ
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」399Please respect copyright.PENANAG87tL4897L
399Please respect copyright.PENANA5rL6Rjfy5X
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:399Please respect copyright.PENANAbBK2uT7hqd
399Please respect copyright.PENANAtSuUubCuo4
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」399Please respect copyright.PENANAf7DnbuisR3
399Please respect copyright.PENANAQQTvQ2ewuE
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。399Please respect copyright.PENANAa88j8jlr97
399Please respect copyright.PENANAMneHfjm9sG
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:399Please respect copyright.PENANAp4GAQwdSpm
399Please respect copyright.PENANAV4bNVdOKlS
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」399Please respect copyright.PENANADO0LJiBpAU
399Please respect copyright.PENANAuCDR0KUhTC
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。399Please respect copyright.PENANAiCXMpbJew5
399Please respect copyright.PENANAnVGnPLpQak
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。399Please respect copyright.PENANAQ6IF3Gr8TA
399Please respect copyright.PENANAqJbRk15LOy
主線劇情:399Please respect copyright.PENANAPSh0osX0xs
399Please respect copyright.PENANAlnzufC8lpP
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。399Please respect copyright.PENANAblBJO9h58X
399Please respect copyright.PENANAvAQKlrIXSf
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。399Please respect copyright.PENANA5C765fKH7h
399Please respect copyright.PENANACmY60FFOVw
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。399Please respect copyright.PENANAcvAjvgQrSN
399Please respect copyright.PENANAoxUiQcT9gs
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:399Please respect copyright.PENANA6e16vHVnn4
399Please respect copyright.PENANAKhYgLATseK
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)399Please respect copyright.PENANAAfh5Bl49Wg
399Please respect copyright.PENANAi1SGh05B63
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)399Please respect copyright.PENANAB3o6kag1ok
399Please respect copyright.PENANAK19omHu4Rh
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)399Please respect copyright.PENANAsNRNR2TN6R
399Please respect copyright.PENANAJK0gWwnjtZ
399Please respect copyright.PENANAcJr9xJJzCR
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。399Please respect copyright.PENANA9cS6GYr7wJ
399Please respect copyright.PENANAbLoriOyzvg
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:399Please respect copyright.PENANAaI3Ay5fbrX
399Please respect copyright.PENANAZgkDt79Giy
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。399Please respect copyright.PENANAQEyjIqhk1y
399Please respect copyright.PENANA9yGB6vTjPY
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。399Please respect copyright.PENANAH03mhMIznX
399Please respect copyright.PENANABfZUCS3jUg
那麼差不多是這樣。399Please respect copyright.PENANAfMWTAtc2CO
399Please respect copyright.PENANAoYvJ8PA8CP
399Please respect copyright.PENANAHZBXT6VGQT
399Please respect copyright.PENANAwxZXb3SIwl
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。399Please respect copyright.PENANA7ypxqgSlm2
399Please respect copyright.PENANAt4BV50O7iu
總之加油吧。
399Please respect copyright.PENANAdrWlhCkFvi
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
399Please respect copyright.PENANA86zPI7ybul
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
399Please respect copyright.PENANAfKJP6PZ8wc
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
399Please respect copyright.PENANAI992NkWvnv
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
399Please respect copyright.PENANAmkKsVkQamb
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。399Please respect copyright.PENANAR8cgft7D4p
399Please respect copyright.PENANAVfRMwSa9LP
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」399Please respect copyright.PENANADLCMdED6D9
399Please respect copyright.PENANA6Aix1aw8or
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。399Please respect copyright.PENANAvdy3b7NDcN
399Please respect copyright.PENANA2Oq4USRKVV
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:399Please respect copyright.PENANAZcf262XWuI
399Please respect copyright.PENANAoQNPTzruzR
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」399Please respect copyright.PENANAqcOQw0mN6s
399Please respect copyright.PENANAGiBXTUWFgU
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
399Please respect copyright.PENANAcANU0SX16P
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
399Please respect copyright.PENANAMYZoXVSTuu
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
399Please respect copyright.PENANA3x1h2EQaho
主角:俊明399Please respect copyright.PENANA12Im8Ia7mt
399Please respect copyright.PENANA0Ces0fgeCq
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)399Please respect copyright.PENANA0FkO7nmStA
399Please respect copyright.PENANAH4Akew4Wot
399Please respect copyright.PENANArd2asUvi6a
主角現狀:遭人排擠399Please respect copyright.PENANAIGLknd1d9C
399Please respect copyright.PENANAueIFXURakW
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。399Please respect copyright.PENANA7DOwCH0p8q
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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