Priscilla:你嚟唔嚟我屋企睇Netflix?508Please respect copyright.PENANAGimeADUOEu
508Please respect copyright.PENANArTRqG4xcJ6
慶祝過後,我就決定到Priscilla家暫過一晚。508Please respect copyright.PENANAdvxkuJR1MX
508Please respect copyright.PENANAkkblx7tu5P
我:你屋企人會俾我嚟咩?508Please respect copyright.PENANAEKslfWthao
508Please respect copyright.PENANAp940avBscA
Priscilla:我屋企人都喺上面,喺香港我冇親人。508Please respect copyright.PENANACfP4DdI4oj
508Please respect copyright.PENANAFLFPFpNdNx
了解過後,才知原來她當初是為了工作,才來香港申請永久居民。508Please respect copyright.PENANAMSUQgqNG6G
508Please respect copyright.PENANAv227ivVwM0
最後,我們在麥當勞點了一份二人套餐,就這樣上去Priscilla所租住的地方。508Please respect copyright.PENANAO5m522XEe8
508Please respect copyright.PENANAt9OewfxtdN
Priscilla所住的房子是一人房,空間和面積如我大學宿舍的二人房,她的房間也蠻整齊的,有陳列架放著她的書、化妝品,床邊也放著一些玩偶,她還懂得用精緻的白色系和綠色系的蕾絲窗簾布,來裝飾自己的房間。508Please respect copyright.PENANAcTgIZn6nTe
508Please respect copyright.PENANAPWQeooGOEn
Priscilla:你有帶褲來換嗎?508Please respect copyright.PENANAMWOz0lbSf6
508Please respect copyright.PENANAQ9wUgElb4T
我:當然沒有啊。508Please respect copyright.PENANA7IwcHhYnwf
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Priscilla:我這裡有一條大碼的睡褲,應該很適合你穿。508Please respect copyright.PENANAplwHfbMk7M
508Please respect copyright.PENANAalNwkN9QDm
我脫下外套,和換上她給的女裝睡褲,便爬上床上和她一起看Netflix上的劇集。508Please respect copyright.PENANAC6Bre72O60
508Please respect copyright.PENANAVex933q2DN
嚴格來說,這條睡褲算不上是女裝,而是一條很中性的睡褲。508Please respect copyright.PENANAmRpz1GkWND
508Please respect copyright.PENANAMUjI6ehr3l
Priscilla:同你講,格離室友住嘅房仲大過我呢度一倍,但租就只係貴幾百。508Please respect copyright.PENANARLOaMLYSu1
508Please respect copyright.PENANAx1YJUi4Mw4
我:你呢度係專租俾女仔住?508Please respect copyright.PENANAzSRwMWbeQl
508Please respect copyright.PENANAwjJjsySnzd
Priscilla:係呀。508Please respect copyright.PENANAVxbP9nLvPo
508Please respect copyright.PENANAXqfCub8eW6
我:咁點解你又俾我上嚟嘅?你唔驚我做啲咩㗎咩?508Please respect copyright.PENANAk4rKDgq1m6
(我對她微笑地問。)508Please respect copyright.PENANAzNNJlAXKuf
508Please respect copyright.PENANAAmCFD257Rk
Priscilla:就係因為你係偽娘所以先俾你上嚟。508Please respect copyright.PENANACbMZiA91Ek
Priscilla:我當你係女仔先俾你上嚟。508Please respect copyright.PENANAZMt7MaqAM7
508Please respect copyright.PENANAbFafluMbvk
她說完,我不心想:難道我已經落入了Friendzone?508Please respect copyright.PENANAtBYXx7O0SU
508Please respect copyright.PENANALGFF8tkgfs
Priscilla:你想看甚麼?508Please respect copyright.PENANAgbbAKWt86t
508Please respect copyright.PENANAdaqKmUT48u
我:睇下有冇咩日劇先啦。508Please respect copyright.PENANAVf59fMac26
508Please respect copyright.PENANAPrgM7fXSO7
Priscilla在iPad上滑著,表示她正在使用朋友的帳號,於是她又問我要不要一起開個屬於自己的帳號。508Please respect copyright.PENANA5FaMSMNmCB
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我:不如就開個account啦。508Please respect copyright.PENANA5aB91oGWt6
508Please respect copyright.PENANAbZ7LYgRocf
Priscilla:咁我哋就分返每個月嘅台費啦,我出住錢先。508Please respect copyright.PENANAvAgO7Iz1HJ
Priscilla:密碼你自己定啦。508Please respect copyright.PENANAxdCh4mRzLT
508Please respect copyright.PENANASBWkNmZRuo
我:咁⋯⋯密碼就用我個名,同埋今日嘅日期啦!508Please respect copyright.PENANAG580QIs1Vp
我:就叫「watergod20220201」啦。508Please respect copyright.PENANAT1L0mbYrmm
508Please respect copyright.PENANAuaabbx0Wxc
雖然現今科技發達,有Google會幫人記住自己在任何網站設下的帳戶和密碼;但我心裡還是希望Priscilla會記住我的名字,還有今天的日子。508Please respect copyright.PENANALNqewUdb9y
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Priscilla:不如就睇呢套啦!508Please respect copyright.PENANAPZhftmKYLL
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於是,她就點進了《勿說是推理》。508Please respect copyright.PENANAOJtwBezpY4
508Please respect copyright.PENANAXu90jGWJLJ
Priscilla:你唔洗返屋企咩?508Please respect copyright.PENANAQksmLWVJQN
508Please respect copyright.PENANAPOOzIxwGzQ
我:睇完先再算啦。508Please respect copyright.PENANA0VHecYLvGf
508Please respect copyright.PENANADwCToPBAHv
我們的身子都是橫向地躺在床上,身子是半坐半躺的,各自地蓋上毛氈;只有把腿子捲起來,才會勉強地把全身放在床上,我和她的距離,已經是肩碰肩。508Please respect copyright.PENANA131pJxLnEA
508Please respect copyright.PENANAeAYPZ7Tc18
看了很久,她自自然然地睡著了,而我也借著自己疲累的身軀,打算順勢地睡在她身上;可是理性又告訴我,用這樣的「肢體接觸」來推進關係,太冒險了,結果我只是往攬枕裡睡著。508Please respect copyright.PENANAxQlwXjVMpf
508Please respect copyright.PENANAfUgipPRFXt
-----大年初一的早上-----508Please respect copyright.PENANAmUsoAH6IRp
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我們的早餐,就是去飲茶。508Please respect copyright.PENANADpyg2LNlp9
508Please respect copyright.PENANAl8VLmg7IZl
「奶黃包!」侍應有禮地送上了其中一道點心,點心上的每個白臉小包,都印上了一個黃色的笑表情,我有點以為自己在吃Lihkg的頭像。508Please respect copyright.PENANAbNzDSiH2Zg
508Please respect copyright.PENANAw6deIOUZzu
Priscilla:你會搵男仔定女仔拍拖㗎?508Please respect copyright.PENANA4p52d9KaiX
508Please respect copyright.PENANAaMk0B9j5xg
這已經是不知第幾次,被人問上這種問題了。每當我被人這樣問的時候,我總是要思考一會才能回答。508Please respect copyright.PENANAo60kt7Uenx
508Please respect copyright.PENANAT3fjR9GKry
我:搵女仔拍拖就梗㗎啦,但我唔知應唔應該叫自己做無性戀。508Please respect copyright.PENANAcZdbNsrNNz
508Please respect copyright.PENANAUvxA9EbiMj
根據「無性戀」的定義,是指一個人對任何性別的人感受不到,又或者是只感受到很微弱的性吸引力。508Please respect copyright.PENANA8olnyJLJDv
508Please respect copyright.PENANASM7EyeNW0w
如果直接問我的性取向,就如發問這樣的數學題:0除以0等於多少?0?1?無限?無解?無意義?508Please respect copyright.PENANAomtZG77oxY
508Please respect copyright.PENANA4gEpNZMvHZ
對我自己來說,最優先的性傾向就是戀物、其次才是跟女生進行性行為;而且我極少會主動去想像跟女生在床上活動的畫面。508Please respect copyright.PENANAJqE13ug3iq
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都是那個比喻:我最喜歡吃魚,但不等於抗拒吃豬;平日如果要二選其一的話,我當然選擇吃魚;但如果有人主動請我吃豬的話,我還是會開放地接受吃豬。508Please respect copyright.PENANASxgtHTMK4t
508Please respect copyright.PENANAhuwWhalVah
只膚淺地說我是異性戀,不準確;雖然在浪漫的情感上,我也是追求一個女生談戀愛;但在性的層面上,我的最優先傾向是戀物,女生才是其次。508Please respect copyright.PENANAZL4DzibvxZ
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說我是無性戀,也不準確;因為我也有戀物的傾向,會看黃色網頁,這已經是一種性生活。508Please respect copyright.PENANAL0QNzQXsD2
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我不敢直接向Priscilla說自己是戀物,怕她接受不了。508Please respect copyright.PENANAAbB4YpyhXh
508Please respect copyright.PENANA9z5rt7HVki
Priscilla:講真,憑我嘅雷達,我又真係感受唔到你身上嘅性吸引力。508Please respect copyright.PENANAvIzVFYTjTn
Priscilla:我又唔覺得你係直,又唔覺得你係gay。508Please respect copyright.PENANA1ojSEY2LFn
508Please respect copyright.PENANA2F13nXZJP2
我:你第一次扑野係幾時?508Please respect copyright.PENANAp7XqgseYOr
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Priscilla:8年前我喺英國同過一個男仔上床。508Please respect copyright.PENANAb82HpdOx7K
508Please respect copyright.PENANAbd2QTFdrOq
接著,她說起自己的情史,我才了解到,她有過至少一次的上床經驗,我沒有再詳細過問她在英國時的那段經歷;但估計她和那個洋漢的關係,都是停留在FWB(friends with benefits)的關係。我有這樣的推測,是因為相信,很少人能夠接受異地戀。508Please respect copyright.PENANAZuvqAs3odU
508Please respect copyright.PENANAjZKF1LsgOA
又以我和Yuli(Ch.19出現)的關係為例,換著是我或者是Yuli,對於在外地人物的感情處理,很多時候都是「玩過就算」的心態。如果有真正到外地留學或工作的人(又或者是趁著假期回流到香港玩)都知道,常見的例子就是,你到一個像蘭桂坊這樣的地方消遣,運氣好的話隨時能讓你遇到一個心儀的目標跟你上床;但,上床過後是否真的成為了大家常說的男女朋友?有多少人最終真的把「佢」(中文書面語的性別代詞只有「他」和「她」,太二元我不喜歡在此使用。)抱回你的家鄉?又或者「佢」令到你住在異鄉一起生活?508Please respect copyright.PENANApIzXqeBdb5
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Priscilla真正認真的關係,是在4年前。508Please respect copyright.PENANAf8BvLkVin2
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Priscilla:我上一任男朋友係4年前,嗰時係我家人介紹俾我嘅。508Please respect copyright.PENANAqRxhZmHLNr
508Please respect copyright.PENANAIL1PVQg8lU
我:咁拍咗幾耐?508Please respect copyright.PENANAatSyCexFjD
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Priscilla:都9個月,之後就係因為佢對我用冷暴力,所以分手。508Please respect copyright.PENANAEiEXCg1qGL
508Please respect copyright.PENANAz74df6LMi6
當她剛才說到「我又真係感受唔到你身上嘅性吸引力」的時候,我在想:是否她對我沒有feel?508Please respect copyright.PENANAF38M8jxh8A
508Please respect copyright.PENANAI7Gzda3zb0
可是當我聽完她的基本情史之後,她那兩段的關係相隔的時間,4年,也有點久,不禁讓我想到另一種可能:她也是不容易投入情感的人嗎?以她的條件,也經常接觸不同的人,要遇上幾百個男生絕對不是問題,要找上一個條件比我好的人,都不是問題,為甚還需要家人的介紹?而且到現在還是沒有男朋友?即使很多香港男生不喜歡大陸人,但如果要為拍拖而拍拖的話,最終也是會找上她呀。真讓人有點摸不透。508Please respect copyright.PENANAveWnVbIsjK
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Priscilla:你係咪有好多女性朋友㗎?508Please respect copyright.PENANArBzgkoE5GL
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我:我冇乜女仔friend㗎。508Please respect copyright.PENANA5BhDhoj777
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Priscilla:下?你咁都冇?偽娘唔係應該有好多女性朋友咩?508Please respect copyright.PENANANyU7t4KDv1
508Please respect copyright.PENANALjc3Kyjc3j
我:幼稚園至到小學初期嗰時會,但而家冇曬呢種緣份lu。508Please respect copyright.PENANA2OqMDauslV
508Please respect copyright.PENANAuOG9PPhHyN
我:講起上次拍拖,都已經係8年前,嗰個女仔係喺Facebook識。508Please respect copyright.PENANApHr5PRUlb6
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說著,我又說起自己的情史。508Please respect copyright.PENANA45in8K6BFO
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8年前的那段關係,又是從網上開始,印象之中是談了兩個星期左右就出門相見。508Please respect copyright.PENANApCskDuv3Dc
508Please respect copyright.PENANAwlmlXVtCjH
我:嗰個女仔,又幾主動,我從未試過做主動嗰個,去拖人隻手,係佢拖我手先。508Please respect copyright.PENANAAZDq1ajRBo
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我:然後就係,「拖」「攬」「錫」做齊,只差攪野。508Please respect copyright.PENANAQ8x15y008f
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簡單而言,大家的關係就在stage 3(錫)止步。508Please respect copyright.PENANAKV08OElH9H
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雖然很多無性戀者對性行為(所謂的Stage 4和5)沒有興趣,但是很多都還是喜歡被牽手(拖)、擁抱(攬)、親吻(錫),享受純愛的感覺。 508Please respect copyright.PENANAqj8xyOVwkC
508Please respect copyright.PENANA6dAVABHayH
就連我自己的愛情觀裡,也是相信只有「純愛」,只進行 「拖」「攬」「錫」就夠,再上兩級就不了。508Please respect copyright.PENANAXakZl6CX1v
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這也是我一直以來仍是「處」的主因。508Please respect copyright.PENANAbHjp7G012B
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我:最後拍左一個月就散。508Please respect copyright.PENANAw59uaCGzkH
我:就係因為頂唔順佢太過霸道,脾氣又差,所以先分手。508Please respect copyright.PENANAYzvVbm4deb
508Please respect copyright.PENANAMgQ0A8dA5O
那個時候的我,「偽娘」這個靈魂仍然是深深地封印在自己的心裡,連我自己也幾乎沒有察覺,我可是完全以社會講的男性型象來生活。508Please respect copyright.PENANAf5lEcI1Hbk
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老實說,即使是現在,我也很討厭女生霸道,這樣我駕馭不了。508Please respect copyright.PENANAOwVGJrabLT
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Priscilla:我聽講港女係咁㗎。508Please respect copyright.PENANALJONinHlJd
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我:係,但你又唔好以偏概全,都唔係一定嘅。508Please respect copyright.PENANAl7NKr6gF5L
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這頓早茶,以AA制完。508Please respect copyright.PENANAl7ZwHKPm5S
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我送著Priscilla回家,在路上,「肢體接觸」這四個字像一個鋼造的框架,牢牢地鎖在自己的腦海裡,又是那做為做而做的接觸。508Please respect copyright.PENANAmFLYm1GNDO
508Please respect copyright.PENANAXVxZdfiQky
在過馬路時,我眼睛又是瞄著她的手臀,想了一想,好不容易才敢伸手撓下去。508Please respect copyright.PENANAV5Elad7RJM
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我:下次再玩啦!508Please respect copyright.PENANAp2YG0oGL1F
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Priscilla:來一個抱抱吧!508Please respect copyright.PENANA0s1Cs4fMSB
508Please respect copyright.PENANArtkuB5ENL6
在Priscilla家的大廳裡,我和她來了一個擁抱道別。508Please respect copyright.PENANAZIoIbCtubN
508Please respect copyright.PENANA06BZst0wjN
這個擁抱,只能算是一般社交式的擁抱;因為我很清楚地感受到,她只是來了一秒,然後就抽身離開,彷彿不再讓我擁抱多幾秒。508Please respect copyright.PENANAyJObDpeXKs