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下班回家，淋浴。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuMY0xogAJM
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22ulEUp23D
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblbbk3Ii1r
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WvOvDZew6
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIpMA3a2XK
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCszwBEaKRd
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWZMmRd6c1
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwk0d9V0lE
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNBHdJQXpym
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcneqgkzmRp
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YBNMkY6am
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZHPlSD4Ao2
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrUv6vCXlZ
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf9145Ne8T7
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5FPuw1HOLx
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvXwH8p52a
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlaW1ZT3BlF
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMwaBebCkUg
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJh97jM9hs9
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR5FSZcBKxQ
啪——啪——635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡocUFWbIcdN
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkJOcjPRfWe
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK9EOtkjnBb
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQieAauxoiS
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxbnZExmx2L
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjNPm3yBXSo
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUewpqFlCU
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡILN0a2gQ8b
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQUVtWyV7Mt
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQPadKh9lX
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRztOL26pu1
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDa4f0mPONG
算了吧。沒所謂。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJHYShTyJS
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCadjeiQLVm
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7CNWHl07L
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUdbjUhjbs
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdwW9eG9tdx
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4IuAYeyLU
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQ5LwMWkoT
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrSys4ILEx
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4tpnvvTpz
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpMcVpnv6m
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡThbJJM8in2
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1Fw4UFI8O
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYFLV0FtqDh
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPx6ZlWlQZN
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnxjmH9hA65
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD8qX1xPeSO
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq7wIYYs9YU
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rH9WXXnYi
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zGcmFE7UL
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzSSTFM2deb
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6q9jW4pkAH
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1yENGG3qc
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5DVm0hV53
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6LqzYQ2ca3
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9oeW1tq0Tb
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXbx7IMLoOM
我頭也不回開門離家。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXxGTn77Oba
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC85XvEDrIi
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmvP0b8Yx4
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcwkqzBe89l
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX9dlqYwxKO
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzNl9XcaOiG
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFuLihhyWfs
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0Efvi9dCt
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkLHflx72fR
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQS4rQKV0OC
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡek5O3zqmYH
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmuxZnXPWgH
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekiiQT8QDZ
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xL0RHvVWQ
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTJBcsQpxp
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWypPAJiueA
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjts8wDc5yu
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1KDa0znpy
「你不開心？」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPzOIH8R83E
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1ZFSwIl67
「是的。但與你無關。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3wPGW29AvL
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEeTVxugtm
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GdwAvOsH7
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqyUD45l8uh
「還有菸嗎？」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzND21Z1AJt
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAj9kSdISn
「有。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQVrZu9d1d
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcE5lQZyOAN
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvwwSciwYXE
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4edIW94kCH
「俊仔還好嗎？」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrMBjeJtZY5
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkTDuK9WCMh
「與你無關。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbk58RZG5wO
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIBL5prPWoF
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxb9zHSc2lK
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxc78saPnfr
我幽幽一笑。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO51SRm5D5p
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQLzLmWykS
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnO0dy7R3Wk
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG9ujm0442W
「多少？我付！」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfAw6qlu3r
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPEZnnMJjW
「五萬七千五百元。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJof2hBbjgp
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRIWJQFMt3
「好！沒問題！小意思！」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiCNzSSXsb
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmPpVDM98ND
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0EvA8SyRqw
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jq7IoPqQA
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6zFwFFqZE
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJnJiNlNXO
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjPMfMT7gU
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzPQB26ePf
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBjAZOOtlM
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVgbBWSKnld
「阿顧，對不起。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOJlDwwSCoC
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxbTJ4nc4NR
「道歉有屁用！」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWcLBTtYEZv
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8T20s9buc
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wszdLzrcK
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWzUGaM9v0o
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMAMwYRo2oN
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2IVkwv59ct
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkWfDripAqv
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWjtT63or6T
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk1vrHI1HDh
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQeI1M4cix
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9dxQhzCHmq
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpK92Cn4ziY
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2dePrrkcN1
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ51snCCMHBa
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7UT7hJgO9b
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyt1M8gcv2
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKyZ5OLfSPV
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmDKT31q6Js
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMC71yZbMN
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVgArfjjRNF
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ411I6HWRFY
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEpvvno5308
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU7kLYNJrPc
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTR4xg3VoSE
我活該……我活該……我活該……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOcHhttEEev
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgfg4pGBEPP
我如此催眠自己。
