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下班回家，淋浴。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPLdoED7jR
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtOZ5a16nm
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwXiIfKSOAg
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtEvJmNIzV
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQ0Hg9dy1Q
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonsdg44vkP
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUMvFHhPCB
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuIOtyZmm7b
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaitWQy1pw2
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6zeRHwrb72
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpXC2IIYSXD
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡprljCgRDAF
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnxYJBB8ZX
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvOLteO88fQ
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHp14peQduJ
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jn6cO82Fy
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡImTKTSExBT
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2BMOo9upt
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDaP7P6vUR
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEsVhdIvFv0
啪——啪——563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlNWE2dOp14
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmDubWk3nh
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubDZs4HD2d
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqVRBBbCs1
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcdo7WPRSQI
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu0jGTg4FMA
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2wwzB58Fg
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcMpLPAajej
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHwj1gHeeQl
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xWCrrnuVN
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbsOuE8NJA9
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6o8XBjLpAk
算了吧。沒所謂。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQ0ZeXKtCt
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgqOYtCMLP
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkpyzoxVgc
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc0YwTN6AV1
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqgQtP89bu
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHb8TbbJZc
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOeENpww1nE
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlREGAXXMBL
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz3wI8MIICy
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxHa6vXFfP
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLK7pSmJq7G
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoa2AEbUaiq
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOHMlkpxd0
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡquHt0KmQSJ
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn176gsxYVa
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1u5aFPSpw
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCJps9O91n
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp4Au2A74P7
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjzJf8c7KLE
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBlfw1V9W2X
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0A3WK3qS0Q
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNV8lJfMQ7
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡakYeR3Ubdh
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUr9Uc864q
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡadLBh77xSs
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0IQ6jAjSW
我頭也不回開門離家。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpshKYKp1fI
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjSHZBmWDv
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS5QC07xLbc
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM4kXApx0OH
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaiG0Syt4Uk
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6L9rsj8x2H
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3JPndCgvi
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkRRyLizuU5
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRqDKuV5Fo
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJJEVJEaz9
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQaHsEKHqU
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGB6g2TkbVz
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1vGWCN6WvJ
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7278Z4PR2f
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94MlILPOZD
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb29vC5pKU5
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVVBOg6GvS
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHNp7sjTCqH
「你不開心？」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAGcu61dmC
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUvAZLuejP
「是的。但與你無關。」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyk22t0bJHK
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6d8NnIpICc
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUFnrZyFhq
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsL2mZBUzEB
「還有菸嗎？」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfntXmTY3D
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMDWUDPukA
「有。」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqVIeNI9dvW
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvWodlSZr7K
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqT5Xu9IXy
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3DsB6zd7Z
「俊仔還好嗎？」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡatYdMmezmC
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXmr8GRogw5
「與你無關。」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc7yc016pLH
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZQxTOJaaV
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Jqf3bxYDK
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnnypOCe6TA
我幽幽一笑。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm24U12gKZO
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQF2c2Iv8Ue
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiu3KtL3z6i
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJ7fsGu3cu
「多少？我付！」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhJm0gF1Zz
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYutyeB804E
「五萬七千五百元。」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWuyeHK6GEU
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy1Zh7K9lHZ
「好！沒問題！小意思！」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7flEh2GPT5
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQs9z8dITE3
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFZO7n2s2yi
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jlBlOiu6A
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgf7hwfjjkS
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkYqhEf6lfH
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE6bgLOePlO
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFnO3317OP
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIL55YgEtqj
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJQx0HCe60W
「阿顧，對不起。」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpI9E2T7OS9
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZ9Brubq40
「道歉有屁用！」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQeaG5sLeux
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4LlKB5uSuS
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ13GdmwwwFR
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoXuWuTWQmb
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOCnSIJexLy
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBWsQHsL66n
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTtTLAJLaz
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ04Xw0L07Ds
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB4kI4H1kmo
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSaGkT6tgUX
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoNp0e54fLY
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw2JIApHktA
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZLdsNmag5h
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhfyuBpIcqJ
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9J3Stx53Ya
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn4c7jJo6o3
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDse99m5jg
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Mqn4EKO4w
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxviF27SJz
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrzZJRdZyL
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzPqOccjTf
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHhXjmN4GG
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hvMunJurd
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDPNe3Lgje6
我活該……我活該……我活該……563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmgd3CwkxCb
563Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoEwePB259A
我如此催眠自己。
