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下班回家，淋浴。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBTCYK2D3Uj
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYIyQgEj18V
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCz6VfD08v
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSHPBNMGWKR
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL0IHsroElE
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu35w3Kh8Ir
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxbRLSDS2aR
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPxSJWmgbvf
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP6NhdgQ5ew
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLSO9WR5ti
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTaf0MKJWO
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Hf4esWFQW
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbXcSrDFjf
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9vjxm3OQi
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkYGVmuaMaL
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8YPf14Weh
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRKbmlEAQo
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ387w9EQDvR
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqb0wJRGTQX
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRZiZow9DH
啪——啪——633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3gwI7iTiDY
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjermMp7sSo
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqEjuMRKOej
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKe4LctO4R
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BG55IoeOs
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡevU6nKDNFn
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFFzpFQXjR
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTLhJ4xaap
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxaO8V6hf9o
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8F4aUSZjvP
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGKZYhJ23FL
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8dUIp6sYVL
算了吧。沒所謂。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmaAjfvtMs
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfaOByiaBt
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9s1TgLpIea
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIrhkb8qqR0
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjq92FunhYg
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6W8cmlNd1J
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡha5AOlTc8H
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB7GSNggZdR
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4qcuotRC0Y
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmiOB0il0t
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyVcOIPpk7
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO0ZdNv9zeq
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkioBCtlJ1z
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15lfCLVfLs
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ihoOLmH7s
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt22TTcoYOT
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyucfWgecCY
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMpBMs7xeE
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvCkE2Wz91D
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX1tENjTi98
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZcDrjY2yc
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwSfzVwtUc
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFANLi1B7jw
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDelmaB263z
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVpuNJZgwr9
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGsMAtAofK
我頭也不回開門離家。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoXWCQLIgca
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNc4BINpbx
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDYn9s5PWz
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCi8NGolH21
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhp3d9pY6hq
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknbFWbBm3f
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLdln2udh4
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhdlWaWkng
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIuV6fia4r
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkYti1F2Y1s
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOpUZeuL8vA
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVh2dWKtvCz
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJBBHNi33b
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvgChBhWxd
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvLxAXuCqG0
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcVtXZf1fQO
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHuwWvsWTI
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YzkH3NuGR
「你不開心？」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsGuxMpLrr0
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKcBreEaDMr
「是的。但與你無關。」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKoox7QAElR
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZEOOTh8Yv0
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfZH4poI20
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tGKI7EvFs
「還有菸嗎？」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn9Op3UTuUv
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9vkV2kCk2
「有。」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRiy9LNcDEn
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMWaT0xHa3a
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtyvC28HCmV
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITBo1Lq7XQ
「俊仔還好嗎？」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5JwWQuUqz5
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBrahxF64G
「與你無關。」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nJquQrkhR
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFzHU246IX2
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCG6nd7Aiq7
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubN0Gmr3F0
我幽幽一笑。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIjOzYbLP0
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NXCyVUF5Q
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEImnZACh8B
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRa44cNNfSR
「多少？我付！」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdeqpVmdVEI
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG7xppLRqep
「五萬七千五百元。」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYVppTUlU4
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoqyDFj9D52
「好！沒問題！小意思！」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1bNPKWnJ7
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtHNNMEmxu
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxEYazKPiHL
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhICSgI9c5B
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqjHjOUF5j
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6fzrczTsv
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd00j0Bee4V
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVQ73e27EP7
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQjuqy4QQS
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMq8teCdaAu
「阿顧，對不起。」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPdxnkmGnM
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrUEheB6yvb
「道歉有屁用！」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCGIEnBRku1
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkOUjH0rzqL
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBWuzMwx1X4
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPIBtf7D4U
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAzIjBzE7e
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hfZKMdXsC
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLve8e7ujjF
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNd7vULsWo
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMVFpxaMZC
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ywl3PfdW9
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZwIwk6gxy
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡby5bW1qzgr
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Xyl9MfBuw
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGwGqF4vHt7
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXS9SU13wyG
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZI8zpAJmRP
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlw4EVbQGDe
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0xaZdvsNo8
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoUS0rSJnDD
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ4CZ2A5JzG
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7Xb7GNwHd
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4GmXROP2hI
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvefqfD8WR
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡusCJuvdwDF
我活該……我活該……我活該……633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqefudzhlQv
633Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKxsVTnxjPW
我如此催眠自己。
