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下班回家，淋浴。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Z2YBcKzbi
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUAL9gxIAos
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyldyaWBkus
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0zTbuqNPib
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡert3mxwmsR
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNS72Kp2bdV
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUP4DGMMLW
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ81d8hHSvH6
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡngaB0XgVbc
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOROJxVwdYR
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnLUbu1jnS
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrk4qHq6nS
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf75IF9dPjk
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDjWqqUI6Ug
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQX41f5NMwf
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Xac5B4BTx
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0YeNVD1tMc
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPSvhKkOUgF
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFlh2jJLub
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL0NtMcDcGb
啪——啪——634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5c9a8dxfbH
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1xzU9pm5C
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMhjUT4yZ6
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjEg7oWbaks
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1cWH5Z9x2k
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnIpJjnYch7
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlStbdGLawV
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQNJDGRQTd5
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5K3hkQkYIf
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDEtFitUzqr
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeEDe9caBYW
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ95BgCkiQq7
算了吧。沒所謂。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeVqKrGY4pa
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8iiIUkzl5
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGglCyKgzXZ
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcmCqnu7K6n
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQgGP4JGFh
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGVMFBDoPo
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLgj4JspInR
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcxMzU6XC3
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgkmEVl5CaN
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDwFzWPbBCu
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPMEkcrQ1h
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ79yrg7FzAE
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg57C6ZJtwJ
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnc8sroJWjS
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIlXUF7Z9X
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEobzsK9Dij
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFG8KncVuD
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9vg4P4QRY
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOXICoLkuFL
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmG6cThQsKi
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQzTZHCwA1
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmCNssZNXO
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTX8CJcwoc2
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITxmPd5QUh
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFuPk3JlyK
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrlRSoOMOwR
我頭也不回開門離家。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQYXCOPIzW
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzcmJa52c0Y
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlnZbXz5Zs3
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡol5Ik3mAXb
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6oVMnpRktb
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEmzA1Q3a8p
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8OfM8BG2d
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRy1RDYFXhE
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBmGpB2Jr4
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR31AJCl1Ou
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbNuL91d1U
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkRgdioMarb
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ039XFLj8ED
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlK2BIWGq1X
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkb2aeN5cha
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tY5qTa0th
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2i8c2LwEp
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSM6rqncU1I
「你不開心？」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtnW5tTrY7
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdAyQU5WuNT
「是的。但與你無關。」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCI3EZfpkoF
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpgbwvDUSlD
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDg7R64uftw
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzcywr5lFzw
「還有菸嗎？」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1mfSGAFELH
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4J2AJ4CcW
「有。」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvoA6SxGGbD
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAyOiFEMC9S
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeutlPfxKUK
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUK9IwXyu4
「俊仔還好嗎？」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZeslIS154E
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo2JDd1BEah
「與你無關。」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCVkaFXUYVY
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB1CI7S9F4g
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPqGJUN1AC5
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeWBj4nGrnv
我幽幽一笑。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN1pUSoAefI
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzB570MZZPG
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCeMnw1nmQy
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVjQDcx7ZE
「多少？我付！」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9h3N5qZrAd
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcpo98rAGbS
「五萬七千五百元。」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4GkKvFnc1G
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUlKkCWtHpk
「好！沒問題！小意思！」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LA8tQ1zyd
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCL0KEgu3A
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLFWxuDKnD
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hnkNZnOcr
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZMqKfzuag
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4QKXADjCV
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡriWua2Ebjo
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFkcTUYzHc
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkmWfskdXxj
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrDoDHtqSI1
「阿顧，對不起。」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ69VpvnlDek
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVYvehzNSN1
「道歉有屁用！」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5urZG1Uct
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtreDvaEO4R
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6J3K19JDtj
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxgcSCQWbx
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNtcXRYeRpv
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuuLliVGCKU
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHp3q6x9g1
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCOJx4Dyek9
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqsiDOozcZu
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHq44fXk4L8
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjUvFf89Nv
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwHmoqS5mPW
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHNJWNt19y
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGqfAOsw7Ot
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzQkTuECrn
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLPGVaBqED
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAddAHDmHoN
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0i7OAXt9b
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMKoSdt1EPy
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxao0mosYB
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg6QlbARGU0
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvP110aGkVd
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZ4rsu858K
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqq6JtLP7j
我活該……我活該……我活該……634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhIa7vKjq6
634Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2a5k5fcTb1
我如此催眠自己。
