下班回家，淋浴。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xhu7z5jF8
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG0kaSAar0O
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfVNZvWYdVz
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVG5HjhbCJy
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiwqtJGwsIV
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFq0LouDEX7
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7oxWu41et
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9lASym3EK
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaoNnW9lSwR
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeQ1VmVAnn9
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKYBIojkwRv
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsX6vkZVicg
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE0TGMUqLQO
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJrsAJM2fK
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4aN0wLQxMx
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBZdOHkSB4
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8EjhePb7Ov
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt48y5VVadF
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6fFDlEzg1
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ690pBPvXKI
啪——啪——649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXX6l43uJbz
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27yE19GE63
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHBUcX7lvH
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjT7X39ZBA
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVj1mkTagd7
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOfOQbFZuwK
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIWD3DWifh
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaCvK4c66I
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoPfo08Lk9D
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ZNAoAzU6o
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGls9PSBZqi
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzTCN3fGlt
算了吧。沒所謂。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hlFav9K49
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkux8JlyajN
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmXnlZTP2H
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJMkd9fZIDP
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpK75kCfL0
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPp7Cox3tPq
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyz4i80rXzd
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAjlAW3Og0
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSzMmgrDss2
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCv6cU7F5Mm
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVVkWttP1dt
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEZ8WAGifLB
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKMOrjfSQeg
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5uwOUkaPeY
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb2psksqm4l
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl2pIKqL7gM
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZEYX20YYwN
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVjwtkSBsm
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxcYqZ5cwg
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCmxk3YHksZ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGclnqqa2q
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcygg2mbFEE
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWON2cogUOZ
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPuUNHpjVka
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQC0jPVWmB
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH0w3dMujaO
我頭也不回開門離家。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl05qlfFVxO
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyf19EhZOC9
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1VlgklBahP
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZtA5SczPUh
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7qRQIZw8v
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxvG5XwuBcG
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbScUdItXQ2
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJcUSEIviq0
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHqdUOzwg9
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvCk1mNdgha
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqpZr9sN2Ii
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvjrA4ciHg
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2S96E19Q3l
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKqWqJOYWyj
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbOWc7shnMm
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDe45r0h2yJ
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFS5SZ9DS1
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUk78he9DS4
「你不開心？」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡceTOOQLiF0
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTEnVpWN2W4
「是的。但與你無關。」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFb0PDLQyT
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqI4I5U1ezN
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hRSHGymQ4
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8iIz78zbgf
「還有菸嗎？」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7gjrrcnJL2
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡri63zap2td
「有。」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnbOZW2eitV
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75ylg8eD3s
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKFN0seGXn
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgV1L0UxXfN
「俊仔還好嗎？」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6eHsq2FmG
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkhsQz1z8Vp
「與你無關。」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYiVO5SikKl
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8whdtT0rG
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Gvzj22zFs
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHTx0eilSBb
我幽幽一笑。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyG6XbmHot
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡryj54KBlDw
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡetuLLCyJqe
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVuZibstq4e
「多少？我付！」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkbuyWUIR3Q
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXzDKxOFo0C
「五萬七千五百元。」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyz0APZyjy
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGeUBYGualp
「好！沒問題！小意思！」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5GwYihfPBv
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0xhXDsp2nV
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMO9zBqIG0
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5YIyyI08CI
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3KC5qG66h
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiSHMzYaXo
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5cTjbcREcD
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFY0dofgprZ
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGG7uFjdpNJ
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxhilK2Tcf4
「阿顧，對不起。」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy5kj9wjRrR
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9c8tKzAW9y
「道歉有屁用！」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD9b4DZyT1L
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzl1ZRUDK4Z
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZYY2KsuCe
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WZ8jvV805
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAK35zFe7kG
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB7HxRqJbDL
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ88jMvXI8JE
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCsPlxn3eLJ
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCB8ODMCZ33
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKAWLw1Uwp
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe1E2gbdY20
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAa8JbOD2iP
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgagU1qnyPs
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSyfhQ2xFax
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtHvAreAb96
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6yuoChU2fN
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjU2RMC3tS
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyuo71LlWS
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWNgHEWWkge
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmijXLH5YZ
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9KrKWHirL
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbabkxDshH4
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHL8F3JWtwR
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVkg9m5lE9k
我活該……我活該……我活該……649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7JwRCqHRQ
649Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu6obEHnYTy
我如此催眠自己。
